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Parenting

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Original poster

Is something missing from my life if I don't have a DD?

55 replies

Margie32 · 10/06/2015 20:43

I have two gorgeous DSs and we probably aren't going to have any more DC. In the last week, two pregnant mums of DSs have found out that they're having DDs and their comments have been really smug - something along the lines of how lucky they are to be having girls after having boys. It pissed me off, as I never felt I was unlucky to have a second DS, I was thrilled.

It's not the first time that mums of DDs have made me feel like I'm missing out on something by not having a DD. I had a pretty awful relationship with my Mum until I became a mother in my 30s and she always got on better with my brothers, so I definitely didn't feel a desire to have DDs rather than DSs.

But do you think the pregnant Mums are right - is there something special between a mum and a DD that a mum of DSs can never experience?

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Sparklingbrook · 10/06/2015 20:46

I have two teenage DSs and have never for a minute felt I had missed a thing not having a DD. I wouldn't change it for the world.

CrispyFern · 10/06/2015 20:48

You are only missing out on DD1 in the same way you are missing out on DS3, I think.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/06/2015 20:50

Same as Sparkling, but only one gorgeous ds.

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Only1scoop · 10/06/2015 20:52

I guess though it would be the other way around if they already had girls....2 dd and then a ds etc.

Seriouslyffs · 10/06/2015 20:53

No.
No more than you're missing out on the experience of being a teenage mother or elderly mother or single parent or mother of twins or a singleton!

changeymcnamechange · 10/06/2015 20:54

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coffeeisnectar · 10/06/2015 20:55

Yes. You'll miss out on hair accessories in every room in the house, including those bloody Kirby grips that make a death rattle in the Hoover.

Make up everywhere, including on the carpet and it won't come out.

Glitter. Pink fucking glitter will decorate everything you own for the years they are aged 3-7. You will still be finding it 5 years later.

Strops on a scale I didn't think possible. Especially during the hormone years.

I love my girls but my nephew seems less hard work. And less glittery.

AngelBlue12 · 10/06/2015 20:55

I have 5 DD's and my DH doesn't think that he is missing out anything by not having a DS - children are a blessing and if you treat them fairly and with love you will never miss out no matter if they are boys or girls.

stillnotjustamummy · 10/06/2015 20:56

No. Not at all! I have two gorgeous DD, and am expecting a third DD. I have had so many idiots telling me I'm missing out on not having boy, but my girls are so different to each other, and my relationship different as they are individuals, I'm absolutely certain I'm not missing out on anything just because they are not the same gender!

SaulGood · 10/06/2015 20:58

I don't know if they're actually being 'smug' but I like to think the best of people. It's fine for them to feel lucky that they're having DDs. That's all it is, luck. They'd have been lucky to be have another boy. Or twins. Or the second coming. Or whatever. Celebration of your own circumstances doesn't mean the denigration of others.

I can be happy as a SAHM and feel lucky to be one. That's not me saying WOHMs are unlucky iyswim.

There's only something missing if you feel there's something missing. It's okay to say you'd have liked to experience a girl too. I'd like to have stayed single and childless and travelled the globe. I didn't though. I am utterly fulfilled by the life I have. This isn't missing out, it's just an acknowledgment of the doors which have closed.

You can sort out your own feelings without filtering through what other people say. So other people being pleased to have girls are irrelevant. They are living a different life to you and sound happy with the hand dealt to them. You might very well not give a single thought to what a girl would have meant to your family dynamic. It's no different to wondering about what if you'd had a third or what if you'd moved to x house.

Are you missing out? There's no answer to that question. In a literal sense, yes I suppose so. You're probably also missing out on having a lottery win or being married to David Mitchell too. Would any of these things have made you any happier than you are right now? Probably not. Happiness comes from what you have, not what was never yours.

Grewupinafield · 10/06/2015 20:59

I get this all the time, I have 2ds's and when ds2 was about 6 weeks old, a bus driver said I must have been devastated that I'd had another boy!

I adore my sons, I wouldn't change them for anything. They love each other, they love us. I couldn't be happier. Hopefully we'll go on to have another child and if it's another boy, I'll be delighted!! A healthy happy child is all that matters.

It does drive me mad though. I know someone who only has one child, a girl, she doesn't want anymore children. She said if her dd had been a boy, she would have had another because all she wanted was a girl. It makes me sad.

SaulGood · 10/06/2015 21:00

No glitter, make-up or strops here btw. Well, ds strops and has a fantastic collection of dresses, but not from dd's corner.

emummy · 10/06/2015 21:00

No, I think they are wrong. The wonderful thing we all experience is having and loving our children, whether they are boys or girls. Enjoy your lovely boys OP; I have both boys and girls and I don't see any difference. I have as close a bond with both sorts!

TheWiseOldElf · 10/06/2015 21:00

I have 2 DDs and people frequently ask if we'll be 'trying for a boy soon'. It seems that unless you have one of each the world thinks that you're missing out. Or perhaps it's just something to say...

CleverPlansAndSecretTricks · 10/06/2015 21:02

Great post SaulGood!

Love51 · 10/06/2015 21:07

If you are in the mood for it you can always be wistful about something. I always wanted a sister growing up. I have 'one of each' so wasn't able to give dd a sister either. Or ds a brother. Unless I have loads of kids and then I can feel bad about having more than I can manage!

Singsongsung · 10/06/2015 21:08

I have two beautiful dd's and in no way hanker after a ds. You love the children you have.

Original poster

Margie32 · 10/06/2015 21:36

Wow, I just came back to my message and found 18 replies - thank you all so much!

SaulGood I love the way you think, I wish I could be as fair with people as you sound, but sometimes I let frustration and envy and stress get in the way. coffee your Kirby grips in the Hoover comment made me laugh out loud! Love51 I think wistful is a great word, I suppose I am wistful about what life would be like with DDs. But I adore my DSs, I wouldn't change them for the world.

I think what started me thinking about all of this was when Kate Middleton had Charlotte, and everyone seemed so thrilled and Prince Charles said he wanted a girl and I thought, poor little guy if it had been a boy because it seemed like the whole world preferred a girl.

But of course you're all right, what matters is the way they are and how much you love them, not what gender they are.

OP posts:

ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems · 10/06/2015 21:44

I agree totally with CrispyFern. I adore my dd and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the new experience after having my boys. But, as Crispy said, it's because she's here now that I'd miss her. If I'd had another DS, I'd miss him if he'd been a she if that makes sense. I wouldn't be without her because shes my daughter, not because she's a daughter.

SaulGood · 10/06/2015 22:13

Exactly, ItsNotAsPerfect, they aren't boys or girls. They're just your family.

knittingbee · 11/06/2015 21:14

whispers I was initially ultra stunned when DC2 turned out to be a DD, I had DS and there are next-to-no girls in our family. I had spent years visualising myself as a mum of boys and I was more-than-faintly horrified at having to deal with a girl.

Now? I am shocked at how much I utterly adore her. Because she's my baby. Because she's herself. Because she's gorgeous, exasperating, funny, because her brother loves her and because she looks up to him in amused wonder. Not because she's a DD.

SurelyNotEh · 11/06/2015 21:27

I have a DS and a DD so I suppose I don't really know. But based on friends and family (almost all of whom have 2 or 3 DSs and no DDs), you are not missing anything from your life at all.

It is fun and expensive to buy dresses and every bloody pink thing in existence for DD, because it's socially acceptable for girls to wear skirts/dresses. So there's that. But other than the social factor, I don't really see the difference. As others have pointed out, children are more themselves than they are boys or girls. My two are very different, but not because one is male and the other female, just because they're very different.

Enjoy your boys! And ignore the smug expectant mums of DDs. If we're being charitable we can put it down to pregnancy hormones. Surely (unless you suffer from gender disappointment, which I don't dismiss as trivial) the most important thing is to be lucky enough to have a child? Personally, that's why I feel so lucky, not because I have a DD. Sorry to sound a bit schmaltzy but almost every day I'm amazed by my tremendous luck to have my two and I pray that it holds.

Heartofgold25 · 12/06/2015 08:23

Not all girls like pink and glitter, my girls are outdoorsy and are not interested in either. Nor are they prone to strops anymore than a boy would be. Some comments on here belong in the 70s about girls and everything glittery and pink!
I would also mention that generally speaking the bond between mothers and daughters is very special and there is a closeness, and a friendship that deepens and spans many decades, not for all girls, but for most.
It is not to say that the bond between mother and son is not special, but he is unlikely to enjoy shopping, spa days, chatting, the sheer connected feeling of being with your mum is irreplaceable etc (some sons do but again the general rule) I think we all accept there is a beautiful bond between mother and daughter. I do think the maternal line is very strong, especially once they have have their own babies. The connection is very strong, and is there for a reason.
Having said all of that, do I think you are missing out? No, not really, because you can build the same kind of bond with your ds. It is the person inside, and who they are that makes a difference. Does it matter whether they are a boy or a girl..I don't think so. My dd wouldn't be seen dead in a dress, dresses to climb trees and play football and have fun, and has a blue bedroom so you it is not always the case you are going to get a 'girly' girl, and so then you have to ask yourself what is the difference then between the two....very little I would say. Enjoy your sons, and make the most of what you have! Remember you can have a lie in on Sundays when rugby starts! :)

PS Stay away from smug mums! They sound horrendous and only going to get worse I would guess...

Only1scoop · 12/06/2015 08:26

They sound like the type of people who on hearing they were having a third ds would say "we desperately wanted another son anyway....we know what to do with boys".

crumble74 · 12/06/2015 09:20

I don't have a strong bond with my mother. I wish I did but it isn't there. She tries and I can see how much she wants us to be close but I can't open up to her. I love my DS and I'm expecting DC2 and as much as I'd like a DD to "experience" it I am worried that our bond won't be as strong simply because I have a funny relationship with my mum, she doesn't know I'm pregnant either because I can't bring myself to tell her. I just wanted to say this in answer to PP's strong maternal line comment. I'd be very happy with 2 DS's!

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