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Parenting

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Original poster

Is something missing from my life if I don't have a DD?

55 replies

Margie32 · 10/06/2015 20:43

I have two gorgeous DSs and we probably aren't going to have any more DC. In the last week, two pregnant mums of DSs have found out that they're having DDs and their comments have been really smug - something along the lines of how lucky they are to be having girls after having boys. It pissed me off, as I never felt I was unlucky to have a second DS, I was thrilled.

It's not the first time that mums of DDs have made me feel like I'm missing out on something by not having a DD. I had a pretty awful relationship with my Mum until I became a mother in my 30s and she always got on better with my brothers, so I definitely didn't feel a desire to have DDs rather than DSs.

But do you think the pregnant Mums are right - is there something special between a mum and a DD that a mum of DSs can never experience?

OP posts:

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meyesmyeyes · 12/06/2015 09:27

You are not missing out. Unfortunately programmes such as blinging up baby, where the 'mothers' treat their babies like dress up dolls are making mothers without daughters question themselves.
Theres more to having children than chucking a load of pink and glitter on them.

Enjoy your sons. Sons are lovely.

MrsBennetsEldest · 12/06/2015 09:49

All through my first pregnancy it really got on my nerves when I was asked ' oo what are you hoping for' my reply was always ' a baby!', in the end I changed it to ' a whippet ' just to see the confused look on their face.

I had 3 sons and feel like I hit the jackpot, not because they are male but because they are happy, healthy, amazing people. Whatever mix of genders I could have had would haveafe me feel the same. I did get a whippet too but she's a proper pain in the bum.

lexyloub · 12/06/2015 10:07

I have just had my 3rd ds I'm made up with him. People have said to me was I gutted it was another boy and am I trying again for a girl - not at all I'm thrilled with my boys. Girls seem like a lot of hard work to be honest especially when they get to the teenage years. Enjoy your boys

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cowbiscuits · 12/06/2015 11:29

I have two boys, my baby is 6 weeks old. I like the idea of "my boys" like I'm some East End matriarch, and I hope that they'll be close to each other when they're older. I hope they stay close to me when they are adults though, seems like sons are often not as close to their mums as daughters.

But I will admit I wanted one of each. I think i just expected ds2 would be a girl. I won't be able to use my girls names, won't buy girls clothes etc. Unless we win the lottery there won't be any more kids. I think "wistful" is just the right word. I think this time there's been a sense of sadness in knowing It was the last time I'd be pregnant (I'm one of those weirdos who liked being pregnant) give birth, have a newborn again.

But my boys are beautiful.

mrsmugoo · 12/06/2015 13:17

I have one DS and am trying for #2 but I have no yearning for "one of each". I'd be happy with either but if had another DS I wouldn't feel I was missing out.

slightlyconfused85 · 12/06/2015 17:42

I don't think you Are missing out! I have a girl, and despite my best efforts at gender neutral I have a house full of pink plastic, and I spend at least half my life trying to locate hair clips. Colleagues with teenage daughters are having a rough time in comparison to teenage boys- I'm due dc2 and would be quite happy to hVe a boy!! Disclaimer: I adore dd...

WingsClipped · 12/06/2015 18:18

saulgood amazing reply. I have two girls and you have said exactly what I feel when people ask whether I'm gutted my second was a girl and whether we are going to 'try' for a boy next. How does that even work?!
There's only something missing if you feel there's something missing. It's okay to say you'd have liked to experience a girl too. I'd like to have stayed single and childless and travelled the globe. I didn't though. I am utterly fulfilled by the life I have. This isn't missing out, it's just an acknowledgment of the doors which have closed. THIS, EXACTLY THIS. I feel wistful not to ever experience having a son in the same way I feel sad I never stayed single and travelled the world. This is possible to feel while at the same time being utterly in love with my DH and DDs and being fulfilled with married life.

TheSkyIsAwake · 12/06/2015 18:25

Did someone just say the comments about pink and glitter belong in the 70s then go on to say girls love spa days and shopping?!

Back2Two · 12/06/2015 18:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Only1scoop · 12/06/2015 18:35

Good reply wings.

I can't play it down with 'oh I hate all the plastic tat and glitter' or buy into 'girls are worse apparently I'm their teens'

I love having my dd and everything that goes with her.

Just the same Im sure that Id have loved having a ds.

I don't feel I've missed out because it's just not to be.

I never became a veterinary surgeon either.

Stealthpolarbear · 12/06/2015 18:39

I have one of each and no I don't think so. Out family is our family. If dd had been a boy it would have been different (shed have been a different person) but not better or worse

ipswichwitch · 12/06/2015 19:08

Anyone asking if I am disappointed that our second DC was also a boy gets short shrift from me. We lost 2 babies (mmc and stillbirth) and consider ourselves bloody lucky to have our 2 wonderful boys. I look at them and cannot fathom how I would ever be disappointed.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 12/06/2015 20:56

Sorry, going to go agonist the grain here.

I have one of each and I bloody love that. There are differences between male and female, there are. And I am experiencing both of that. The upsides and the downsides. I didn't particularly hope for one of each, but now I have it, I am so pleased. And all this "my daughter isn't in to pink and glitter" is just nonsense. As if that is the sum total of a girl. There are differences though, and I'm relishing seeing them develop.

Millionairerow · 12/06/2015 22:27

Hi
We get what we're given and lucky you, you have 2 lovely healthy DS x 2 to look after you when you get older. I have close friends who couldn't have any, another could not have a second, another found her son was autistic and it hurts. I have lost close friends through this as they see me with my healthy children. I know there are loads who would love to have 2 sons and embrace the gift you've been given (I'm not religious by any means and this is a personal attack). I have one DS and 2 DDs. great though they are, they fight, are harder work and are v manipulative. But you could decide to have another - but could be another son. Take them on their own merits and hopefully you won't feel you've lost out. AND you can recycle clothes - always a plus right?
M

Millionairerow · 12/06/2015 22:29

PS I get on better with my dad personally. I get on with middle daughter but dd3 is defo daddy's girl!

Millionairerow · 12/06/2015 22:29

SORRY meant NOT a personal attack.

StonedGalah · 12/06/2015 22:36

Ffs million you're post

Your dd are manipulative and you get on better with your dad?

I know l should step away from threads like these because it just brings out the most stupid fucking posters.

I'm due dd2, do l think I'm missing something because l don't have one of each? No because l don't give a shit what others think and I'm delighted to be having another dd. How can l be sure? Because l wouldn't consider starting such a pointless thread.

Whathaveilost · 12/06/2015 22:41

I have two teenage sons age 19 and 16 ( well nearly). I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. We socialise together, have a laugh, have some mutual hobbies- what more could I want.

The house is always full of their friends, just like I'm sure it would be if I had daughters, it's been wonderful watching them grow into great young adults OP, I'm sure you will be the same.

lilacblossomtime · 12/06/2015 22:44

I wouldn't want to be without my dd but I think that's because she is mine and I love her. Each child is special as a person and the relationship you have with them rather than something about their gender.

Rivercam · 12/06/2015 22:44

I love having two ds. I remember talking to a older mum with grown up sons. She said that the only thing she missed from not having daughters, was girly shopping trips. That has never bothered me.

Whathaveilost · 12/06/2015 22:48

I guess most of us love the hand we've been dealt.
I've waxed lyrical about having 2 boys but I don't know any different.

( still - 2 boys are fab but I secretly wish I had 4 boys like a few families I know!)

Original poster

Margie32 · 13/06/2015 06:34

Thanks so much for your replies! Although Stoned if you think what I say is pointless, I'm not sure why you bothered to reply.

Millionaire, you're right, I'm bloody lucky to have 2 healthy kids, and I am in no way belittling that. I lost my first DS at 20 weeks, I had to give birth to him knowing he was dead, it was truly harrowing and made my subsequent successful pregnancies and births seems like miracles. I know how lucky I am to have my gorgeous boys.

My question really arose from the fact that I live in a country which is not p.c. when it comes to gender, and having one of each is considered to be the holy grail. So if you do have 2 the same you get a lot of silly comments. And I guess what I worry about sometimes is something that HeartofGold hit on in her reply - what about the mother-daughter bond later on? People say that when sons get married you lose them to their wives. When my Mum was really ill I know that having me, a daughter, around helped her so much - my brothers just seemed to freeze, whereas I helped her with practical stuff and even intimate stuff when she was too ill to go to the toilet or change her clothes. Maybe that's not because I'm a girl, maybe it's just about who I am, I don't know.

Mrs Bennett - a whippet - brilliant!!!

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 13/06/2015 06:39

People talk such rot!
If it boils down to 'girly shopping trips' - some people hate shopping and I have never wanted to go shopping with my mother!
It is just luck and personality how you get on - nothing to do with gender.

Mehitabel6 · 13/06/2015 06:42

The real rot is the 'son until he gets a wife..... ' saying- as if your DD will live around the corner - see you as best friend- has children- and you get on wonderfully well with SIL. In reality she may not get married, may emigrate to Australia etc and DS may be the one around the corner.

clairedunphy · 13/06/2015 06:50

Agreed mehitabel6, I get on fine with my mum but don't have this magical mother daughter bond. I'm actually much closer to my MIL, so you've always got lovely DILs like me to look forward to .

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