Motherhood...is there a conspiracy of silence about it and why?

[Mavis]

Am I the only one who sometimes think that there is a kind of unspoken code about motherhood? I never knew how hard being a mum would be...no one ever told me anything. Is there a conspiracy of silence? Sometimes I hate being a mum. Sometimes I wish I had never bothered and dream of having my "old" life back. Sometimes I feel like just getting up and going!!! Some days I feel so fed up with the monotony of trying to meet the demands of children and husband and pets and housework and the drudgery of the latter and shopping sometimes makes me want to scream. On other days I look at my children and realise I love 'em so much- they make me smile, they make me laugh. But how come no-one ever speaks about what motherhood is really like for them? This website is refreshing in that people do lay bare their feelings. So what are yours on motherhood? Shouldn't we tell all girls the truth before they get the biggest shock of their
lives?!!! What will I tell my daughter? Maybe now is the time to break the conspiracy.

I don't really think there is a conspiracy, just a huge variety of personal experiences. I tend not to tell single/childless friends how passionately I love my son and how incredibly grateful I am to have the chance to be his mummy. I save my heart-melting anecdotes for other mothers.

Not sure about a conspiracy, but since ds I do feel like I've joined a 'club' that only parents know about and can undersatnd my feelings IYSWIM!

Motherhood is the most tiring, exhausting and demanding role I have ever had but it is also by far the most rewarding. Personally I never wish I had my old life back.

Regarding telling woman what it's like how would we tell them? It's a different journey for every woman IMO and it's a journey I'm so glad I've taken.

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Mavis - sounds like you are a SAHM and dont like it very much?? You don't have to do it full time you know! There is no rule that means YOU have to do all the housework or childcare.Unless you are a lone parent.

I think the truth is people's experiences are too different - what could you say to anyone except "it can be hard, it can be exhausting, it's a huge change"? That Rachel Cusk book about motherhood doesn't really pull any punches... Wouldn't want old life back either...

Mavis, I know exactly what you mean. Whether you are a working or stay at home mother. It goes without saying that there are the rewards but, like you, I feel that no one talks about how hard and difficult motherhood is. I myself am definitely one for speaking honestly about the experience of motherhood and when I meet other mothers and talk about the downsides, I am told that my honesty is refreshing. I do believe that mothers feel that they should put up and shut up because billions of mothers have gone before them. I also believe that we tend to have a very short memory, no doubt when your daughter starts her family you will be telling her how blissful it all is and will not want to burst her bubble with the negatives.

NO it's not true, they do tell you but you don't believe it. You must have read tales of sleepless nights, drudgery, depression, wishing for old life etc but dismissed them, thinking "oh that's just a stereotype, it won't be me". BUT IT IS!! All of us (at some point).

When you are pg for the first time, you automatically filter out all this stuff and replace with images of cooing cherubs that smell of roses and sleep 23 hours a day.

Unsurpisingly when you then go from your lovely parent free life into being "on demand" 24/7 it takes some adjustment.

I do think that no-one can possibly understand it until they have done it. There is just no way.

cd, i completely agree with you about before the birth. you just don't believe it, or think it won't happen to you. maybe that is a psychological survival mechanism designed to protect the future of the human race!

after the birth though, i think there is a tendency to "talk up" the experience somewhat, especially with the child free or if you find yourself marooned among NON like minded mothers.

e.g. remember explaining it was tiring and hard work to a childless friend afterwards (not an extensive moan, honest!), her reaction "that doesn't sound too bad" and "for heavens' sake talk it up a bit!" - delivered in faux joking tone (translation - "oh i do hope you're not going to get boring now..."

needless to say, i have since dumped her!

winky shouldn't be there...

It is difficult to describe what happens to you when you have a child since, as has been said earlier, everybody experiences motherhood differently. However, there are books out there where women tell you what it really is like for them and not just including the "pink and fluffy" bits. I found reading the book "Life after birth" by Kate Figes made me feel less weird and also heard, since she echoes so much of my own experience. She is very good at describing the contradictory experience of becoming and being a mother. I really recomend it.

Thanks for the responses so far. Fortunately I have a good bunch of friends who are, like you HORSE, very refreshingly honest about what motherhood is really like to them. All of us adore our children and do everything for them and would "die for them" as the old adage goes. But many of us got the shock of our lives when the bambinos came along. Intelligent women who could make things happen suddenly found themselves struggling to cope. Their lives were turned quite literally upside down and it was one big shock. Had they been told? No! Not by their mothers nor by their friends. They found their lives quite stultifyingly boring with feeds and nappies and 24/7 demands draining all of their already depleted energies due to lack of sleep and trying to do everything as well as care for children. I work part time which is great for my sanity. I adore my kids but empathise so much with some of the threads on this site where women exclaim they are soooooo bored, or depressed or fed up or failing to cope. Surely if there was more about this somewhere in our lives, whether as teenagers at school or at ante natal classes we would not be so shocked. We would see it as all so normal. No one ever told me and I didn't know anyone with young children before I had mine so the shock for me was immense. Surely we should explode the myth so people don't feel such "failures" when they realise that parenthood is HARD! At school I was told that A level maths would be hard...but no-one said parenthood would be...parenthood would be ... well...just natural, fun, a special and precious time which passes so quickly...a not to be missed experience. Yep, there are some fantastic parts to being a parent, but by jove there are some incredibly difficult times too.
who is perpetuating this myth?

I think you're told some of it, but what came as a REAL shock to me was the way people patronise the hell out of you as a generic 'mum'.

I think, maybe like Countess Dracula, that the problem is not a conspiracy of silence, but the simple fact that there is no way to impart the truth to a non-parent.(not a popular view with non-parents but I think it's true) I can remember many a conversation before I had children when people said exactly the things that have been said here -used the same words, told me it was tiring, demanding, exhausting, the most difficult job in the world, would change my life forever etc etc - but the fact is that I just didn't know what they meant.

I think you can say the same about childbirth too. After I'd had DD1 I felt totally cheated - I thought no-one had told me the truth. So I swore I was always going to tell it how it was. Then, on one occassion I was trying to "tell it how it was" and I realised I was only saying what other people had said to me (it HUUUURTS. LIKE F**K etc). I realised I couldn't "tell it how it was" coz there just weren't the right words.

I think the truth is there are no words to truly describe these incredibly powerful experiences to someone who hasn't been through them. We can all try and be thankful that at least other parents know the score but I just think you can't understand til you've been there.

I have to say, I agree with CD, there is lots of negative stuff about motherhood but you just don't listen. It's biology! But on the otherhand, negativity aside, I love it so much - I pity my childless friends but would NEVER tell them so. Obviously I do sometimes feel a pang when my best friend (no kids) says she's been reading the papers in bed all morning and is off pottering round the shops in the pm, but I would NEVER swap. And it does get much easier. My 12 year old stepdaughter is so much fun and no effort. She's a fun friend.

I think even if you are told what parenthood is like - there is no way pre-motherhood, you could actually understand what it means. That goes for the good and bad points.

People do try and tell you - and you subsequently try and tell others - but you are so blissfully naive you simply don't believe it. One of my best friends had her first baby 5 weeks before I had my first baby. I remember talking to her on the phone and she was trying to tell me how awful it was, how tired she was and how she wasn't coping, then she apologised and said "I shouldn't be telling you this - I will put you off." And I said (God forgive me!) "there's no way you could put me off - I am so desperate and looking forward to this baby being born now. How hard can it be?"

Six weeks later I rang her up and apologised!!!

It's impossible to convey just how hard it is, how tired you will be, the raging emotions, the mundanity, the fear, the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and not up to the job. It's also impossible to convey the complete, absolute and unconditional love you feel for your child, like nothing you have ever experienced before.

I think, as Mums, we should be more honest - tell it how it is - warts and all. But we have to accept that for the most part we are whistling in the wind - non parents will simply not get it!

I never hesitate to tell people how awful it can be. They never believe me! I told a friend who was expecting, (about 6.5 months pg) when my ds was about 6 weeks, that the first 6 weeks are meant to be the worst (i.e. I was looking forward to it all improving). She looked at me as if I was to be pitied, in that 'It won't be like that with me' way. She later admitted to me that I had been right.

Mavis - I think that people block any negative comments out in their longing for a child. Hormones have a lot to be blamed for - let's face it, why would we then go on to have another??

Yes, MI, you never get used to the attitude "You're a mother therefore..."

Yes Mavis - I sometimes (often) feel that I want my old life back. What you have said pretty much encapsulates my feelings entirely...

me too... wouldn't want to give back dd most of the time, but recently when I had 2 weeks off work , I sent her into nursery everyday, and imagined I was young free and single for a few hours- went shopping, met friends, read loads, watched TV unhindered. Spent a lot of the time though feeling gulity, because I felt that I should have spent some at least of that time with dd 1:1, but didn't actually want to

Honestly. When I was pregnant (and even now) I spent all my time being told how horrid it was being a mum Everyone I met told me it was horrendous and how much I would hate it.

As it is I adore it, its bloody hard and miserable sometimes, but I spent so long being told how crap it would be I sort of forgot that it would be this incredible experience.

I get sick and tired of people who don't know me telling me what a nightmare it must be to have a baby, actually I rather enjoy it.

Agree about the special club only mums are in

There are some really insightful points here. I gotta say I agree with some of you who say even though you are told -until you have actually experienced it you can have no concept. I suppose it's a bit like jet lag. Until you've actually experienced it,it's difficult to know what it feels like. Do you think that motherhood/parenthood is more bearable if you have a good support system viz:doting, hands on grand-parents, a cleaner, an ironing person, a nanny, a great babysitter whom the kids adore? Does the level of a woman's IQ have an affect on her ability to be a great mum? Do career women suffer most? I dunno...these are just questions that buzz around in my head as I know only one or two women who love every minute of being a mum. Sounds like Aloha is into it big time and my friends and I, who sometimes find ourselves struggling with our role, actually envy the mums who seem to enjoy being mums 24/7 . I also suppose those attempts made at secondary schools as a means to encourage teenage contraception by giving the girls the "robot" baby that needs proper attention is a good thing too. All interesting stuff! I'll try and find a minute (ha ha) to read some of the books you suggested. Thanks

Ive often wondered if there was a conspiracy, when my milk came in and when I was stopping breast feeding I realised I had never knew that it was going to even twinge...it was natural or so id heard, noone had mentioned pain. It REALLY hurt. And the terrible twos, that I had to endure for 4 years, my god, if someone had really explained to me that there really might be days and days of screaming and just being plainly bloody irritating just to seemingly drive you up the wall...well I might have thought twice.
I knew giving birth would hurt, of course, which it did, I knew I wasnt going to get much sleep, but some weeks just are like an endless drudge.
That said. I love my dds to bits and I gave birth to them and even when im really thinking My God this is dreadful im standing at the kitchen sink AGAIN I dont let them know and still turn round and grin when they want another drink or another something...definetly something strange going on!

There definitely is a conspiracy and I know I am guilty of perpetuating it. I am very envious of my friend for jetting off to New York this weekend with 2 other friends as a 30th birthday weekend away. Am envious of other friends with their annual trips to exotic locations and their regular meals out in nice restaurants. However when they say to me that they don't know that they'll be able to cope with having kids because they'd have to give all that up I make light of it completely and pretend it doesn't bother me. Partly because the good stuff way more than makes up for it but also because I really NEED my old friends to join my club so I don't feel like I am the outsider amongst them!

I just finished reading Three Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush by Rebecca Abrams which was thought provoking on the subject. I know that having been to a good university and then had a good job and been successful, the first few months of motherhood were a complete shock to me. Looking back, I got through it but I did not cope. I had assumed that a degree and 7 years work experience as an IT consultant would equip me for anything. Ha bloody ha!

The things I wish people had said to me beforehand are:

1. the baby will probably sleep through the night after 4 months or so and the "sleepless nights" won' last all that long.
2. there will be times when you want to hurl your baby out of the nearest window because no matter how many times you say "but i don't know what you want" to it, it won't tell you. however this does not mean you are a terrible mother or you don't love your baby.
3. babies make noises when settling themselves to sleep and don't neccessarily need to be rocked in your arms for hours until they are utterly silent.
4. you will leak from various orifaces for a few weeks after the birth and it won't be all that pleasant but it will stop.

all the "hurts like hell", "you'll be so tired" stuff people tell you, well somehow I convinced myself it would be different for me "because I'm a coper". Like hell I am.

Am I the only person with a mother who gave me some insight into the whole thing? It wasn't anything she said when I was p/g particularly, more all the conversations we've had about motherhood and families since I was about, I don't know, 12 or something? Maybe because I'm the eldest, and my sister was a NIGHTMARE (hyperactive and made the teenagers on brat camp look co-operative) and she was a single mum? I saw, first-hand, just how knackered she was. Of course, the new baby stuff was still a shock (obviously can't remember my sis being a newborn) and nothing prepares you for actually being a mother, but I did have some idea. So thanks, mum!