Motherhood...is there a conspiracy of silence about it and why?

[Mavis]

Am I the only one who sometimes think that there is a kind of unspoken code about motherhood? I never knew how hard being a mum would be...no one ever told me anything. Is there a conspiracy of silence? Sometimes I hate being a mum. Sometimes I wish I had never bothered and dream of having my "old" life back. Sometimes I feel like just getting up and going!!! Some days I feel so fed up with the monotony of trying to meet the demands of children and husband and pets and housework and the drudgery of the latter and shopping sometimes makes me want to scream. On other days I look at my children and realise I love 'em so much- they make me smile, they make me laugh. But how come no-one ever speaks about what motherhood is really like for them? This website is refreshing in that people do lay bare their feelings. So what are yours on motherhood? Shouldn't we tell all girls the truth before they get the biggest shock of their
lives?!!! What will I tell my daughter? Maybe now is the time to break the conspiracy.

Great points FC

Mavis, I am always wondering why other women decide to have more children after they experience the first one!! I have one beautiful little boy who's nearly 4, was a great baby, but have to say that it has been a shock to my system and not something I want to do again. I love him dearly and he is well cared for, but feel that it would be beyond me to go through the whole thing again. I think I'm just too old and set in my ways & and I know my dh feels he is definitely too old as well.

My best friend's first baby was a nightmare, never slept, cranky, had reflux, you name it. But five years later I think she'd forgotten about it (there's no way I wouldn've forgotten that), and went on to have another one. Then she wanted a third and I found myself wondering why it is, that some people just seem to have this inner fortitude or saintly patience, one or the other, because it is definitely not an easy job. I also spoke to a perfectly nice woman at a function the other night who has three boys under 7 and wants to try for a fourth child... for all our similarities, I felt as though we were from different planets. I could never, ever feel that way and sometimes it makes me wonder if I was born with a missing 'maternal' chromosome or something. I truly don't mean to offend anyone with these views because I KNOW that everyone is so different, but personally I found motherhood a struggle and a shock to the system, and own my mother never once told me what it was like even though she never stopped nagging me to have children. Only after my son was born, did my mother start telling me how absolutely difficult it was for her too. Well... thanks so much for telling me!! It's interesting that there was a series on Oprah not so long ago, on this very suject of the conspiracy of motherhood - so many women just have absolutely no clue what it's like.

Mmmm... I always knew motherhood would be very difficult. It's just that things I feared I wouldn't cope with I have, and things I thought I could master, or that I never would have thought of have been very difficult to cope with. It's unpredictable... that's why you can't always explain what it's like.

Well, I have to say that for me I think having children has been a blessing. I always wanted children from a very young age, couldn't imagine never having children. I spent my 20's and early 30's building a good career and then have been fortunate enought to have 2 wonderful children.

Yes there probably were sleepless nights, but I don't remember them. Yes both were long hellish births but they were instantly forgettable. Yes I want to keep my career going, and have been successful in doing so, but I hate not being with them every minute of every day - even although they are at school now. And any achievements at work pale into insignificance compared with the first swim without armbands or the first reading book, or the first time they write their own names. Yes I still want, and have a social life even with my childless friends, and yet somehow I miss them badly on those evenings I go out straight from work. I also want to have a meaningful relationship with my husband so we try and have a night out a week without the children. We don't always manage that but we do try!

I could go on and on... I think I've fought hard for the things that are important to me and nothing is more important to me than my family. Do I tell others this, hell yes of course I do. Have they any idea what I'm on about, no probably not!

It has been stressful at times, but like most of you would I swap it? Not for anything. No! I love it really, I really, really love it Nothing, but nothing I have ever done in my life even starts to compare with my joy at being a mother!

All I rememember being told was how my life would change, and "you'll know what work is now", and all really negative stuff. No-one said how great it would be! And my first had colic for three months, and talipes(clubfeet), but I never expected to fall in love with my children, so it has been better than I expected.

Totally agree Mavis. I think that new mums are often too competitive to admit to each other what hell it can be. I am a first time mum with a gorgeous six month old and yesterday I found myself in floods of tears wondering how my life came to this. My brain, which used to be creatively stimulated on a daily basis, is now engaged constantly in turning over tedious questions in my brain - Is she hungry,tired, cold, hot etc etc? And god I miss having some head space to myself...But like someone here said you don't have to be a SAHM. I'm a freelance television director and yesterday I made the decision to look for my next project. I think I'll be a better mum as a result. I already feel happier...

I fully accept/hope that it will get easier (Already has to some extent) but some of us aren't cut out for full time motherhood and I think I'm one of those people. But I don't really think it helps to tell people this - my childless friends have given me strange looks when I've tried to explain how hard it is.. You'll never understand until you've been there.. (I used to hate parents who said that .) ?As for the 'club' of motherhood I sometimes wish I could revoke my membership. It oes without saying though that my dd is also a source of joy ... I think people know that about children - it's the horrors that go unreported

Marthamoo, I said "how hard can it be?" too! Oh, how I larf now I thought there was a conspiracy of silence about childbirth after I had ds but actually, I don't think there is, I think it's just impossible to convey meaningfully to anyone who hasn't done it. So people (Ok, women) don't bother. Ditto talking about the bad bits of having children. I do think the good bits far far outweigh the bad bits though (after a while and when you're getting some sleep) and I wouldn't want to be childless. I really wouldn't, I can't imagine not having them. I also don't think you know real love until you have children.

So yes, I think it's life changing, hugely, and it takes an awful lot of getting used to but I don't think there's a conspiracy of silence, more a conspiracy of selective deafness on the part of the childless. (conspiracy's the wrong word but ykwim) People with children do tell people without how it is, they often just don't hear it properly. Is it the Kate Figes book that talks honestly about it? I think so. I was very relieved to read that when ds was about 1. So absolutely agree with twiglett and countess about how no-one can understand it unless they've done it. Ha ha sobernow at Glorious Nightmare! Btw, I thought mrscrankyangrylady was zebra until I realised that she's moodyzebra, so mcal must be bk. Right? And (mad as a?) boxoffrogs is chinchilla isn't it?

Being honest about YOUR experiences are one thing but scaremongering is another. No disagreeing with the fact that mother/parenthood is hard but in my mind a good hard, just like childbirth for me was a good hurt. I have a girlfriend who got pregnant with her second child the same time I was pregnant with my first. She was over the top when it came to explaining in graphic detail how terrible my pregnancy would be, how incredibly painful and terrifying my delivery would be and how sleep deprived and mind numbing parenthood would be - all because that was her experience. When I mentioned that I wanted a natural childbirth with no pain killers she told me I wouldn't be able to handle it and that I'd be begging for drugs 5 minutes into labor. I feel very angry about the way she "prepared" me for motherhood and from conception to motherhood I kept waiting for these dreadful things to happen. She is starting to do the same with another girlfriend who has just found out she's pregnant. I had a brilliant pregnancy with NO side effects, natural birth with no drugs and have a baby that is smiling constantly and has slept through from 6 weeks. Those are MY experiences but understand that everyone's are different. None of these things, good or bad, are forgone conclusions.

'Glorious Nightmare' just about sums it up alright!

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I think people don't tell you how awful it can be because they are ashamed of somehow seeming like failures. I was never terribly sure about having children but thought the idea would grow on me - it didn't. Had ds1 anyway and thought that was enough of a shock to the system, then had an ï " resulting in ds2 and even though most of the time I find motherhood the most awful slog and spend most of my time dreaming about having my old life back, I still wouldn't say any of this in great detail to any of my childless friends because there's still the great myth that somehow a child's love is supposed to make up for all this - well, newsflash, for me it doesn't but I would just find it so difficult to come clean and tell people how I REALLY feel rather than putting on a brave face about it. Yet, I wish someone had been as honest with me so I suppose that's hypocritical.

oops, that odd bit in the message below is supposed to say

i agree with countessdracula and www that people tell you all the time how it is - but it's impossible to really understand it until you do it. don't know the answer - i think scaremongering in pregnancy is not ideal although i was really p*ed off AFTER ds's birth when DM and MIL suddenly came up with 52 anecdotes involving the phrases 'pain seared into my brain'... 'it hurt so much i couldn't cope'... when they'd spent so long saying stuff like 'it's pain with a purpose' and 'childbirth is best orgasm i ever had' (shades of that thread a while ago). But since the labour nothing has been as tough as i thought it would be, thanks to lovely ds who is gorgeous and huggable just like every baby but especially perfect, even when he howls NB i loathe rachel cusk's book, thought it was awful. Also just read A Woman of No Importance by kate konopicky - quite funny but driven to incandescence by her saying that she breastfeeds because she hates milk powder - oh that's right, I give bottles because I just LOVE formula, that's why. sorry to ramble.

as usual didn't answer the question - don't think there's much of a conspiracy but some people do try and protect pregnant women which is reasonable as it's too late then, even if v. annoying - also all children will have tough phases and good phases so experience is completely different in each case. I suppose. tho what do i know with one ds of 16 wks.

I found one HUGE problem, before I had children, was actually that 'conspiracy of wonderfulness' that friends who had children tended to hint at; one or two did the full 'oh, you really don't understand anything about love/relationships/money before you have children, it's completely different now'. And also the 'oh, our (it's always OUR, have you noticed?) friends never want to see us now we have children'. I felt very excluded from that, and also very determined not to perpetuate it. Yes, I love my children. I also loved a lot of the things I don't do, now, because I have children. Yes, parenthood is something you don't understand till you've done it (presumably); but so are an awful lot of other things, like writing an amazing novel, or snowboarding.

I suppose what I'm saying is that we live in a society which still tends to divide up between the people with children and the people without. And parents - certainly me included! - are as guilty of perpetuating that division as people without kids - yes, it's hard logistically to get out and about, yes the babies take up every bit of your attention and consciousness, but that still doesn't invalidate the lives of people who have not, through choice or circumstances, produced children themselves.

Good point MI.
I'm another one who found Kate Figes' book very helpful after I had my first child - I wouldn't give it to someone pregnant though because you can't identify with what the author is talking about until you're living it yourself.
I liked Rachel Cusk's book too.
I think it's important to admit when you're finding things hard.

I don't think there's a conspiracy of silence. Maybe it just differs a lot from expectations. More for some people than others. Motherhood for me - day to day- has been totally different than I imagined- partly I suspect as I didn't factor autism into my equation- but my feelings of being a mother are as I thought they would be (only stronger) so I've never felt shock. I did go into shock when I did my PhD- because the whole experince was completely different to how I'd imagined it to be. Maybe I'd had plenty of practice- I'm on of the eldest of 14 first cousins so I've seen a lot of babies.

Also I'm not sure it's fair to force reality onto someone- although finding out that other people feel the same way after the event is helpful. For example I think \link{http://home.earthlink.net/~abaantonia/beirut.htm\Welcome to Beirut\ is the most accurate description of having an autistic child that I have seen. I would never show it to newly diagosed parents though for fear it would tip them over the edge- I'd save it for a few months later when they had made the adjustments. Likewise I NEVER watch programmes featuring severely autistic adults- don't want to know thanks very much- I'll face that when I have to.

The toruble with a lot of books is that one person's motherhood isn't necessarily yours. so you have to search for one that you can identify with. Probably somewhere like this is more helpful as you can see so many different experiences.

I'll try the link again

I've found it much harder than I thought it would be, I knew about the boring bits because I used to look after nephew when he was a baby, my but I hoped the love would overcome all that. And it does; but not 100% of the time.

What I didn't bank on was the loneliness and the isolation. When one of my friends talked about it I sort of dismissed it thinking I was so much more sociable it wouldn't happen to me. I went to loads of baby things but took ages to find anyone I really liked. Everyone I seem to me was completely obsessed by their (mainly GF) routines and what latest expensive thing they had bought their baby and what nursery their baby was going to. I rarely met any SAHMs without huge amounts of diposable income.

The amount of support and sleep you have must really make a difference. My partner and I have no help with looking after the baby from anyone except recently when one friend has babysat a couple of evenings. Friends of mine when they have bad days go to see their mothers/mothers-in-laws etc. One friend stayed with her mother for the first few months and did nothing but sleep and breastfeed (and her baby slept through at 5 weeks!) If I have a bad day I have to just have it! (Usually with chocolate, or cake hence huge weight gain after nearly all baby weight in first 2 weeks). I think I could have coped better with the loneliness with more sleep and better with the lack of sleep if I had a support system.

I was very lucky with my son in that he didn't have colic and rarely cried (I went with my friends advice as a mother of 4, "If they cry, feed them" and even though he didn't sleep through the night regularly till 6 months he nearly always slept through big chunks. But I still found it the hardest thing I have ever done.

Agree with CD's post - there's no conspiracy, I just took no interest in motherhood before I became one. Similarly, it never occured to me to offer to babysit when I was childless.

I always thought Casulty/holby city etc exaggerated childbirth but having been there now I think they don't do it justice - presumably in case they scare huge numbers of pregnant women off!!

I cant say I think there's any conspiracy either. Before childbirth I knew that it would hurt wirse than anything ever had before, and sure enough it did. I knew all along I was going to get an epidural. I'm always surprised by forst time mothers who plan to have a natural childbirth, but then discover ooh, it hurts quite a lot actually, I think I want some drugs now...

I also knew before I had my first that it would be exhausting, but also that I would love her more than I thought possible. I knew these things, but of course didn't really understand them until I'd been there.

Wish someone had told me that 'puking with every contraction' was fairly normal. I thought something was dreadfully wrong at the time but afterwards all my Mumsy pals came out the closet and discussed their childbirth experience in more depth. It's the best kept secret since Santa

I don't think I realised how demanding it would be, however much people told me, or how tiring and sometimes how isolating being a mother is! Sometimes I just feel really lonely