Strategies to help 6yo DD say no to classmates?

[respectmystuff]

DD aged 6 is stressed because six months ago, a classmate asked to borrow something precious to her (a wristband given at assembly for effort in maths).

DD felt she had to say yes 'because I didn't want to hurt her feelings,' and also because the girl was nearly a year older and part of the hero-worshipped cool girls group. Then, instead of carefully tending the wristband and returning it with proper gravity, the girl who borrowed it took it off and left it lying around! Luckily sharp-eyed DD nabbed it back before it could be lost.

So she doesn't want to go to school because she feels she has to say yes to things she isn't comfortable with, to please people. We've tried 'would they do the same for you?' to filter out which people to say yes to, and 'you don't have to say yes,' but it's a minefield.

Any suggestions? Thanks :)

BTW we're in NZ so I expect most MNers are asleep!

Perhaps you can "tell" her that she's not allowed to lend things to schoolmates. That gives her an out ie "mum says I'm not allowed " which would work at 6 years of age. Meanwhile you could build up her confidence about saying no off her own bat, As she gets older and the "mum said" excuse stops cutting it?

7yo DS has a bad habit of lending things to friends, and then I have to be the bad guy and go ask for them back. I have told him it's okay to tell people that his awful mean mother won't let him lend anything to anyone at all - just to blame it all on me, basically. Not sure if it's working but I just felt he shouldn't need to take all the pressure on his little shoulders.

That's a great plan! The only catch there that I can see is that sometimes she is allowed to lend things to people (some classmates are friends outside class and they do tend to return things) and sometimes people lend her things - and I see that as part of their socialisation. Maybe the workaround is to have things that she is allowed to lend (things she's not too attached to) and then 'mum says I'm only allowed to lend these things'?

Thanks, both of you - I'll give it a try :)

I passed those suggestions to DH, who refined the strategy with 'and if you're not sure, say that you have to ask your mum first' :)

DD used to actually give her friends things. When she gave away £20 worth of toys I said "if you don't get them back I won't buy you any more". She's now banned from giving her things away.