Feeling like a fat failure at this mothering lark

[xmasfairy86]

Not sure if this is in the right place and apologies for the lengthy newbie post but am at a complete loss. I don't know what to do. I have 2 beautiful girls who (despite what I say) I love dearly. My issue is me. I cannot be nice to them. All I seem to do is rant and rave. The eldest (6) bears the brunt as in my deluded mind the 3 year old can do no wrong. She does a lot wrong in fact, but the eldest gets the raw end of the deal as I suppose I think she should know better.

The 6 year old is actually quite nice! But I can't be affectionate with her, I don't like her near me. I flinch when she tries. This partly stems from her having rumination syndrome, she is effortlessly sick (regurgitates) but keeps it in her mouth, rechews and swallows again. This makes me heave.

She is also super clever and picks up on these things which is heart breaking for me. I'm sure they're both scared of me, I admit, I have smacked them. I really dislike the person/mother I am becoming. I get wound up far too quickly and what was probably a minuscule hiccup in the day I can turn in to WW3 in an instant!

Thanks for reading.....
Basically, what I am after are any suggestions for calming me down, snapping out of this mood, ways to discipline her (6 year old) without mindless yelling at her. She starts smirking when I tell her off which sends me into a blind rage and it frightens us all

Can I ask how your parents managed your behaviour when you were little? xx

They divorced when I was young, 4/5 maybe. My mum (main caregiver) never really disciplined us (from memory) I remember being smacked by my dad on the odd occasion (mainly for terrorising my younger brother!)

Well done for admitting that there is a problem with how you relate to your children, particularly your older DD. You are trying your best but are struggling. You might get a sympathetic ear and maybe some helpful advice on here but really now is the time to get some real life help.
You know that how things are is damaging your children, particularly DD1. She is experiencing emotional damage and no doubt this is affecting her behaviour (which makes her harder to cope with and a vicious cycle starts).
If you have a health visitor, talk to them, or go and speak to your GP. The most helpful support might be some parenting intervention to help you bond with DD1, learn to show her more love and affection and to more positively manage her behaviour.
Her behaviour will improve if you can learn ways to show her affection and positive attention.
Please do get some real life help, as if not your DD1 runs the risk of emotional damage that could affect how she feels about herself and could affect her negatively for years to come.
I say this not to be critical, as it's obvious you want the best for your children and want to be the best parent that you can, which illustrates your love and caring for them. But there are blocks in the way of you being able to show this love and caring. Please do get help. Things can change for the better. And do try not to feel guilty. All of us can get into negative cycles with our children sometimes.
Is your DD having treatment for the rumination syndrome?

Please get real life help. You've done the hard bit which is admitting there is a problem.

I really understand the rage when a 6 year old is smirking when being told off. The reason she is smirking is she's anxious or scared. It's a reaction she can't help. My DD1 does this too and I have to keep reminding myself this means I'm probably being OTT.

Not actively. Doctors don't know anything about it. When I went in and asked about it he had to google it. we were fobbed off for years with reflux, which it clearly isn't. From my own research there is no cure, and treatment is rare in the uk. More behavioural based as its a learned behaviour. I have an app booked for her next week as I'm sure it's getting worse and that is making my issues with her worse

I'd not heard of rumination syndrome before this thread, so had a quick google. There's an interesting article about it here.
How long has your DD been experiencing this OP? And do you mind if I ask why it's so difficult for you to handle? Not in any way judging, just trying to help.

I know I need to chill. OH says it all the time. But he's not around for the majority of times when I'm struggling. And I react so quick there's no time to think. Which I need to stop. Just getting so fed up of feeling like a failure. I want to be a good mum to them both

There's so much in your post. Some of it sounds quite typical - I think many parents get stuck in ranting and raving. ahaparenting.com is a brilliant website for that, and there are lots of books - How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Playful Parenting, The Whole Brain Child.

But much of it is not - rumination syndrome, and not having your child near you. You don't just need to chill - thinking we need to 'just' anything is a way of putting more pressure on yourself, it's making it sound simple (and easy) when it's not.

Who is your appointment with next week? GP? a different one? well done for not being fobbed off. I would ask for some talking therapy for you, too - they should be able to direct you to a free / affordable service.

Since birth pretty much. We took it as the docs/paeds knew what they were on about saying she had reflux. She had gaviscon for 2 years which was totally not needed.it wasn't as bad when it was just milk, but after weaning it was food, so proper vomit. I can't handle the thought of vomit in her mouth. It smells. I'm worried she'll never grow out of it and it will impede her later in life. And that it will affect the enamel on her teeth from the acid. she's using pro-enamel for kids after I mentioned it at the dentist. Worryingly though, the 3 year old has learnt it!!!! But it isn't as frequent, the eldest is all day

Can I ask if you have always reacted like this to your DD? She presumably didn't always do the being sick thing. How did you feel about her when she was little?
What you say about the way you react to her rings alarm bells for me for Post natal depression.
Do you react to your younger child the same way?
I also think you need some real help to address this and quickly. This can do no end of long term damage.

So you had a difficult time with her as a baby? Has your ability to cope with the rumination changed over the years? What typically happens when she does it? how do you react? (no judgement)

A different doctor at the same surgery. I understand it's rare, but something can be done/tried surely!!! Just to be taken seriously would be nice!

I need help, I know this. But talking to someone Face to face feels like an admission that I'm failing

Don't want to be judged!

There sounds to be quite a psychological and behavioural component with rumination syndrome. Combined with the difficulties in your relationship with DD1 caused by this, I would suggest a referral to a Child Psychologist would be in order (assuming all the relevant medical side has been attended to, i.e. that there is not an outstanding medical cause that needs treating)...a Child Psychologist could provide the behavioural treatment (which appears to be the treatment of choice for this) and could also help with your relationship with DD1.
It is a concern that DD2 is now copying this behaviour.
You really do need specialist help.

For the record, I am a child mental health practitioner - not a child psychologist (which is why I had not heard of rumination syndrome), although I work alongside them in CAMHS.

What causes rumination syndrome?
The cause of rumination is unknown. Because it is a functional GI disorder, rumination is not caused by an infection or by inflammation.

In some children, rumination occurs at times of significant stress, as a manifestation of rejection, or in children who have previously suffered a more serious eating disorder such as bulimia nervosa. In some cases, stressful life events can be identified around the time of symptom onset, but the disturbance persists even after the precipitating event has been resolved.

However, in most cases rumination occurs in the absence of such identifiable factors. Rarely do people use rumination for "gain," (e.g., to control body weight).

You're not failing. Parenting is bloody hard, particularly when it throws us something very challenging like this is. You are trying really hard as a parent which is not failure in my book. You just need some extra help right now, like many of us do sometimes. Don't beat yourself up...that won't help anything.

Quitelikely, are you copying off a website?

She has always done the sick thing. Lately, it's been obvious that I'm frustrated with her because she holds the sick in her mouth. Which is gross... Right!!!!??? I just casually say "swallow what's in your mouth" but the more I repeat it in a day the more frustrated I get.

She was a lovely baby! They both were (are!) not difficult children compared to some I know. The youngest gets a nicer me for the most of it...

Honestly you should be far more worried about the effect your rejection is having on her, and how that will "impede her later in life".
I'm sorry to be blunt but her life sounds absolutely miserable. She gets sick in her mouth then swallows it which mustn't be very nice, and her own mum can't stand to be near her? Please her help for yourself as a priority and then you'll be in a much better position to help her.

You are very brave for posting and reaching out.

Your behaviour towards your dd1 is indeed abusive and you must stop taking out your frustrations on her.

You certainly need to stop, stop being disgusted with her due to the sickness. Put yourself in her shoes.

Please do not compare the two children, they both deserve equal love and equal positive attention.

I wonder if you need meds and counselling.

Could you show your husband this thread so he understands your position a little better?

Oh yes I did copy and paste!

Yikes do you have to reference on here?

I think as parents we all struggle and reach out for help in various ways. Some issues are more specialised and need professionals. There's no shame in that at all. But as difficult as it can be to admit our difficulties, please don't let your feelings stop you finding support for you and DDs - that wouldn't be fair.

Selks, can I ask to be referred? Is this something the gp/hv can do?

Yes, you can ask your GP to refer you. Take with you some information (maybe the link above, in my post) that describes rumination syndrome, and be utterly and completely open about how you are affected by it and how your relationship with DD1 is affected, and that DD2 is copying the behaviour. If you need to, write it all down beforehand and take that along. The GP will probably want to see DD1 but take someone else with you to look after DD1 outside of the Drs room so that you can talk freely without your DDs hearing you expressing negative feelings about them once the Dr has seen DD1.
This may be an unusual condition but based on my professional experience I feel that the overall picture of what you describe would be best dealt with by a Child Psychologist. Be prepared to push and hassle for this though.

^^ too many difficults!

Yes, it's gross. It's also pretty alarming sounding, for a child to vomit repeatedly in their mouth. You've been for help and been fobbed off - that's so dispiriting. But you're going back and that makes you a good mama. Insist that you are taken seriously now - you must fight for DD.

Think before the appointment of what you're going to say - you need to describe it for them so that they understand. And make it clear that you're not coping.

I think articulating all this ahead of time is helpful, and I think that's why you're here.

Your description of asking her to swallow sounds reasonable enough, as disturbing as the syndrome sounds. So where does the shouting and not wanting to be near her come in? can you try to describe?