Feeling like a fat failure at this mothering lark

[xmasfairy86]

Not sure if this is in the right place and apologies for the lengthy newbie post but am at a complete loss. I don't know what to do. I have 2 beautiful girls who (despite what I say) I love dearly. My issue is me. I cannot be nice to them. All I seem to do is rant and rave. The eldest (6) bears the brunt as in my deluded mind the 3 year old can do no wrong. She does a lot wrong in fact, but the eldest gets the raw end of the deal as I suppose I think she should know better.

The 6 year old is actually quite nice! But I can't be affectionate with her, I don't like her near me. I flinch when she tries. This partly stems from her having rumination syndrome, she is effortlessly sick (regurgitates) but keeps it in her mouth, rechews and swallows again. This makes me heave.

She is also super clever and picks up on these things which is heart breaking for me. I'm sure they're both scared of me, I admit, I have smacked them. I really dislike the person/mother I am becoming. I get wound up far too quickly and what was probably a minuscule hiccup in the day I can turn in to WW3 in an instant!

Thanks for reading.....
Basically, what I am after are any suggestions for calming me down, snapping out of this mood, ways to discipline her (6 year old) without mindless yelling at her. She starts smirking when I tell her off which sends me into a blind rage and it frightens us all

I've come home from work unwell haven't felt 100% for a couple of days. DD2 is at pre-school so it's just me and DD1, daddy gone to bed as he works nights. It's easier when DD2 isn't around, we're watching Matilda, then making lunch, and then games together. When DD2 comes home it will be another story! I struggle dividing my time between them, this doesn't help my mental state much!! DD2 isn't happy occupying herself whilst me and DD1 do things. Problem!
I have called, but no one answered, waiting for a call back x

DD2 isn't happy doing things on her own because she needs attention too; she's only young herself. It's easy when you have two children to have unrealistically high expectations of the older one.
Sorry you're unwell. Do make that call though.

So how am I meant to spend quality time with DD1 whilst DD2 is around??!! (Most of the time!!) it's too hard!!! I need to clone myself!!

During term time I have 2 whole days with DD2, but get no time with DD1 without her sister around.

OP, I have rumination syndrome, I think, as it has never been diagnosed. I can't remember having it when I was a child but I definitely have done it all through adulthood.

For me, it is something that just happens after I've eaten, and I do it without realising it. But it is usually just after a meal and that means that it is not proper vomit, as it has not been semi digested or anything or mixed with stomach acids, if you see what I mean. A mouthful of food just pops back up and it tastes exactly like what I've eaten. I swallow it back down. My teeth are fine after years of doing it involuntarily.

It sounds absolutely disgusting reading this back, but I haven't actually told anyone about it, it is not a problem and doesn't bother me at all. I don't know if treatment is possible.

I agree with the posts that say just ignore your daughter when she does it, and try not to view it as 'vomit' because it is not.

Hope this helps a little.

Thanks. I never thought of it like that. I'm guessing the longer after eating the more likely it is to be vomit like which is what I can smell.

Yes, exactly. I hope you are able to get some medical help for her. Have you tried brushing her teeth after she's eaten when she is able to do so (prob not at school), that might help slightly, as a nice clean minty tasting mouth might stop her bringing the food back up. I say this is involuntary but I think there is a small amount of voluntary/habitual behaviour about it.

Dentist advised her to brush as soon as she gets up to fully protect her teeth, this has been largely forgotten, and she does it after breakfast. It doesn't seem to deter her. As said, it's involuntary she can't stop it, I just wish she'd swallow it instantly rather than holding it in her mouth. I also think its a bit of a habit, and have wondered whether she does it as I give her attention (albeit negative) when she does it. And am wondering whether DD2 has cottoned on to this!

"I have wondered whether she does it as I give her attention (albeit negative) when she does it. And am wondering whether DD2 has cottoned on to this"

This is why I suggested totally ignoring it, and upping the positive attention at other times, OP.
I know it's hard when you have two children to give attention to the eldest (I am a mum of two, too). I think you can do a lot to give the eldest more positive attention even when the little one is around just by conversing more with the elder, or let her play with a toy or game next to you so that you can positively comment on what she is doing and interact with her, etc.
I know you said that your OH works nights, but is there any time during the day that he is around and could take DD2 so that you could spend some one-to-one quality time with DD1?

We only really have weekends, which I try and see as family time, it can be separated I suppose.

have spent a bit of time helping my older ds play with his younger dd. this takes time and patience, but has paid off big time as they just go at it now.
My friend has 2 DDs and she says that they like playing-

Pets/Vets (they have a cat)
Birthday parties (complete with invites and pass the parcel)
face painting each other

hAVE YOU tried any of the ideas i mentioned above?
My 2 also like-

hama beads
playing mums and dads
lego building
play doh sweet shops
tpy kitchen cooking/shops
out to the park for a scoot/play

Also would your older dd like to write a short letter or post card to an older relative? My DS does this sometimes and getting a reply is the BEST! You could rope a willing GP in? that kind of postive attention and reward is so lovely. I can see my DS's chest swell with pride when he gets a reply as he can read it all by himself and it is just for him.

I like to have structure to my day so its usually-

home in the morning, play breakfast slob about
out for a bit- maybe running an errand- post a letter etc
lunch at home
out for an activity of some sort- NT place, swimming, soft play and so on.

They play together lovely (for the most part!) latest thing is bird watching! They sit on DD2s bed as its against the window and prop the iPad up so they can film it..... And watch/film nothing! Occasionally they might see a crow! I have about 50 minutes of random bird watching film on my iPad, mainly consisting of the house across the street!!!

I love craft, and DD1 is at the age where she can actually do it with me rather than me do it for her, but DD2 wants to be involved and then it's all about me helping her and not doing it with DD1!

The letter thing is lovely, however all GPs are about 3 mins away on foot! She would still love to do it no doubt, her best friend moved to Scotland as they started school, she could write to her (we are South England) x

Did you speak to your Dr re getting some help, OP?

Apart from the other good recommendations on here, Xmasfairy, I just wanted to recommend Vitamin B complex, it is really is a lifesaver when you have small children. It takes about three weeks for it to kick in, but suddenly you have way more patience with them and enjoy them more.

how are you doing xmas?

It's a shame not to have heard anything further from the OP, however hopefully the thread has been helpful for her. I do hope she gets some help though because I am concerned for her DD1.

Sorry I haven't responded sooner, have had Internet problems...
We're all doing really well. I usually dread half terms but this one has been lovely quiet, but lovely. The nice HV is on annual leave at the mo, so waiting for her to return. And the doctor I saw for DD1 has said I should speak to the first doc I saw as he saw her first.... Not convinced that will help but I'll give it a go!
Vitamin Bs.... Now on the list!
Thanks ladies x

My daughter did the rumination thing for a few months after she had a tummy bug. She eventually stopped. I don't know whether she stopped because she forgot after a while or because I told her she wouldn't be able to go to sleepovers. She is also quite particular about her teeth so telling her it might affect her teeth May have worked. I think children have funny habits sometimes, I bit my nails, others eat their hair. Eventually most stop it. Finding the way to stop the bad habit is trial and error often. I think you may be being hard on yourself about your relationship with your girls. They are at a very trying age. Keep on reconnecting. Say sorry and tell your daughter you get tired and sometimes take it out on her would be my advice. I like the suggestions of the poster who said 'fake it till you make it' and all her bonding activities.

Glad that you have had a good half term OP, that's fab. Sounds like you feel happier with how things are going. Well done for speaking to your Doc, and I hope the conversation with your HV is positive. How are you doing with coping with your daughters rumination...did you try ignoring?

I haven't mentioned it once. Is it sad to feel a tad proud because of that??!!

It's hard to ignore but it was getting me know where going on about it. I asked DD2 to swallow her food once today as she held it there with proper puffed cheeks and looked ready to pop!!! It's getting easier to ignore though, which is surely a good thing?!!?

Congratulations, OP. The good parents are not just the people who do the right thing first off, but the ones who question what they are doing and look around for a better way of solving problems.

Yes, I think it's a good thing that you can ignore it. That's not sad! It shows you're committed to improving your relationship with DD1 which is brilliant.
If you're able to not show any feelings of annoyance or disgust then that's fantastic. Don't forget to up the amounts of positive attention she gets overall.
Keep on going O.P, sounds like you're doing great.

Agree totally with Coyoacan.