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Original poster

Feeling like a fat failure at this mothering lark

74 replies

xmasfairy86 · 16/02/2015 19:48

Not sure if this is in the right place and apologies for the lengthy newbie post but am at a complete loss. I don't know what to do. I have 2 beautiful girls who (despite what I say) I love dearly. My issue is me. I cannot be nice to them. All I seem to do is rant and rave. The eldest (6) bears the brunt as in my deluded mind the 3 year old can do no wrong. She does a lot wrong in fact, but the eldest gets the raw end of the deal as I suppose I think she should know better.

The 6 year old is actually quite nice! But I can't be affectionate with her, I don't like her near me. I flinch when she tries. This partly stems from her having rumination syndrome, she is effortlessly sick (regurgitates) but keeps it in her mouth, rechews and swallows again. This makes me heave.

She is also super clever and picks up on these things which is heart breaking for me. I'm sure they're both scared of me, I admit, I have smacked them. I really dislike the person/mother I am becoming. I get wound up far too quickly and what was probably a minuscule hiccup in the day I can turn in to WW3 in an instant!

Thanks for reading..... Blush
Basically, what I am after are any suggestions for calming me down, snapping out of this mood, ways to discipline her (6 year old) without mindless yelling at her. She starts smirking when I tell her off which sends me into a blind rage and it frightens us all Sad

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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rootypig · 16/02/2015 21:07

Sorry Selks, cross post.

nilbyname · 16/02/2015 21:11

Deep breath.

You need to fake to till you make it.

How about some sensory type play that involve touch?

Play hairdressers, brush each other hair, put clips in, pretend play with hair dryers, and so on.
Drs- use loo roll as bandages, rub body lotion on arms and legs as medical ointment, face towels as cold compresses, honey mixed with water given as spoonfuls of medicine, you be the patient, or take turns

Other play that models kindness and love
Tea party, birthday party role playing
Holidays, pack up clothes and snacks, pretend to go on a holiday
Build a den, climb in with torches and snacks, read a story

Find ways to connect with your DDs.

You're talking to the gp, that's excellent news. Next step, call you HV. A dear friend is having the worst time. I won't blab her personal stuff here, but it's not a great situation for her and her 3 kids and DH. All I can say there is some emotional abuse going on. Some very difficult behaviours from older child. She feels like she is failing. But...... She reached out to the HV and now all sorts of support has been triggered.

You can do this too, please please do it for everyone's health and happiness.

Original poster
xmasfairy86 · 16/02/2015 21:14

Because she does it so frequently she smells quite often of sick, and I can't help that this makes me heave. And in time it's obviously gotten worse and I really struggle to show her the affection she deserves. Don't get me wrong, I love the bones of the girl.

The shouting/anger comes at different times. I know she can't help the sick thing, I never shout at her for that, if I raise my voice it's because she's holding the sick in her mouth.
I get frustrated by minute things that most wouldn't bat an eyelid at. And it escalates.

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3 year olds 6 year olds Families General parenting
Selks · 16/02/2015 21:16

While I do believe that you need specialist help with this, in the meantime the approach I would take is to completely 100% ignore the ruminating / vomiting into the mouth. When your DD does it just ignore it, don't say anything, don't pay it any attention. Just be bright and breezy (as much as you currently can be) and don't reward the behaviour with any attention at all.
But also, start making a point of giving your DDs more positive attention. Up your interaction level with them when they are behaving "well" and start rewarding the positive behaviours instead of the negative ones.
All children need attention, and will get attention for negative behaviours if they are not getting enough attention during positive behaviour.
For a general really fantastic guide to getting a better relationship with your children there is no better book than The Incredible Years, by Carolyn Webster-Stratton.

Selks · 16/02/2015 21:18

Lovely ideas from Nilbyname...all those activities will give your DDs loads of positive attention.

rootypig · 16/02/2015 21:19

Have a look at ahaparenting for the anger escalation and behaviour management. Many many people here, me included, have found it so helpful (and it doesn't cost anything to try)

nilbyname · 16/02/2015 21:19

Selks that's a great book recommendation and my children's centre gave out free copies.

And yy to praising every little thing.

rootypig · 16/02/2015 21:19

Sorry, mean to put link

www.ahaparenting.com

rootypig · 16/02/2015 21:20

Yes lovely post nilby Smile

Original poster
xmasfairy86 · 16/02/2015 21:27

Thank you to those who haven't judged me. I sill have a proper look at the links posted. I love them to bits and really want to be the mum they deserve. One step at a time.

First step - the freezer. For ice cream! Can't see past the snot and tears! Blush

OP posts:
rootypig · 16/02/2015 21:30

Oh my love.

Your relationship with your DDs is exactly that - a relationship, between you. Though you can and should be the architect of their well being, you matter too. In fact, you can only care for them if you do for yourself.

You haven't said much about OH..... how are things there?

Selks · 16/02/2015 21:32

Yes, one step at a time. You have to be kind to yourself through this process too. Ice cream helps! Smile

Do let us know how you get on discussing this with the Dr. And tomorrow...maybe one of Nilbyname's activities with your DDs (but don't expect 'perfect' lovely time straight away...these things take time. Just go with the flow and keep up the positive interactions).

nilbyname · 16/02/2015 21:33

Oh love, things will get better, you know it because you're making it happen.

Your DDs condition sounds very challenging. One thing that I hold onto when my kids (6, 3 same as yours) are driving me potty, is it feels like they've been doing it all day, and it's the culmination of little things that could bother me. BUT, for them, each little incident is stand alone, they are not plotting one thing after another. They have no idea of it culminating slowly pushing us parents over the edge! So I try and remind myself of that. It's just one little thing. That one little thing should be dealt with or ignored and forgotten.

Be kind to yourself and your DDs.

nilbyname · 16/02/2015 21:35

Cross posts selks and rooty

Keep talking on here, nobody is judging you, we all get it wrong sometimes.

33goingon64 · 16/02/2015 21:35

Just a small suggestion - shouldn't she spit the vomit out rather than swallowing it? Wouldn't swallowing make her be sick again?

Original poster
xmasfairy86 · 16/02/2015 21:41

That's part of the condition. I don't understand it! I once questioned her and asked what it tasted like, I'm not sick often but vomit tastes horrendous from memory! She said it was nice!!! Eewww!! And that it tasted like what it was originally!

I'll try tomorrow, I work mon-wed despite half term. It's what keeps me from topping myself! (JOKE!)

OH is lush! He works nights and does a lot of the childcare/school runs so I can work/gym. He is quite understanding.... But could do better!

OP posts:
Selks · 16/02/2015 21:42

I think it needs someone in real life and more qualified that we are, 33, to decide whether that is a good idea or not.

Original poster
xmasfairy86 · 16/02/2015 21:43

For the most part we're good. We don't see much of each other due to him working nights, and this has caused issues in the past but we're on the up now Smile

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Selks · 16/02/2015 21:44

How does your OH feel about the rumination syndrome? How does he deal with your DD when she is doing it? Does she do it around him? Or at school, does she do it there?

rootypig · 16/02/2015 21:48

Oh you can make black jokes here fairy. it is almost a requirement. Joke away!

It's good you have work and gym.

What happens with DD's syndrome at school, by the way?

rootypig · 16/02/2015 21:49

oh cross post Selks! sorry

Original poster
xmasfairy86 · 16/02/2015 21:49

He doesn't notice as much as I do. I can tell when she does it and he hasn't a clue!!

She does it all day, within minutes of eating, and it carries on for a long while after meals/snacks.
It hasn't been mentioned at school. They know she has this condition but it doesn't seem to affect her in anyway. But if I can smell it when I'm next to her, surely other children will pick up on it (eventually) and teachers/ta's when one on one reading?

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Original poster
xmasfairy86 · 16/02/2015 21:51

Gyms only just started again this year.... Need to shift xmas holiday (baby) weight .... (She's 3!!) Grin

It does help me massively, I don't know how people are SAHP....

OP posts:
Selks · 16/02/2015 21:54

No worries Rooty

nilbyname · 17/02/2015 09:48

Just wanted to say, good luck today in making the call to your HV. You will do that today wont you?

new day, new beginnings. go easy on yourself and your lovely girls.