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Parenting

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Original poster

My 2.5 year old daughter sees her father every 6 weeks...

51 replies

LondonSarah · 05/02/2015 12:52

I split up with my ex-husband when my daughter was 3 months old, he initially saw her every other weekend and had her for a week a year.

Last November he told me he was going to Dubai to live and that he wanted to see my daughter every 6th weekend and have her for 2 weeks a year, so since November he has seen her once.

Our daughter is now 2.5 years old and although understands a lot I'm not sure if she will be ok going away for a week at a time (maybe abroad) without understanding that she won't see me for all that time?
I am due to have another baby the week that she is due to go away with her dad and his girlfriend, do you think will do more damage than good? Do you think I can ask for her not to be taken out of the country? And is 2 separate weeks a year too much when he sees her every 6 weeks and she's still so little?

Help! I don't want to be unreasonable but at the same time it breaks my heart the thought of her not understanding the situation and not being able to communicate what she wants properly

OP posts:

ZeldaMae · 05/02/2015 12:59

no way in hell would my DC be going abroad (let alone to Dubai), in the circumstances you describe. You must've read the same horrific child abduction stories I have surely? If he refused to return her from Dubai you would have no recourse.

He can't take her out of the country without your permission and you mustn't give it.

samthomp · 05/02/2015 13:01

I've said that he can't take her to Dubai but he has mentioned Spain for a week in the summer.

Do you think her going away for a week at all is too much when she doesn't see him regularly anymore, whether its in this country or not?

BeeRayKay · 05/02/2015 13:03

Or alternatively, and in this universe.

He just be a decent guy who wants to still have access to his daughter....?

He's maintined contact since the split, and there are other questions to ask before you start spouting horror stories.
1/. How is your relationship with him?
2/. Is he likely to abduct your daughter?
3/. Does he have any reason to not return to this country?
4/. Where are the rest of his family based?

FWIW, You know your ex H and you know if what ZELDAMAE decided to get hysterical about is likely.

Personally, providing youre sure of the fact he won't abduct her, then I'd let her go. She's used to being with him for a week any way? It makes no difference if that week isn't in this country. Just ensure he has got the relevant insurances.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families General parenting

BeeRayKay · 05/02/2015 13:04

No I personally don't think a week is too much, she knows her daddy. And he stays in Europe such as Spain,all the better. Then as she gets older, she'll be happy to go stay with her Dad in Dubaii in the summer holidays. She's lucky seriously.

ZeldaMae · 05/02/2015 13:04

But how will you know? Getting children back from Spain isn't a walk in the park either. Why can't he stay in the UK?

At her age I'd say she's too young to be going with him yes but perhaps in a few years. My DS1 was four when we started doing as you describe, but his father is resident in the UK and had regular contact

ZeldaMae · 05/02/2015 13:06

and IMO a decent guy wouldn't have moved abroad from his DC unless he absolutely had to.

samthomp · 05/02/2015 13:07

I don't have a great relationship with him but I don't think he would abduct her. I just worry about her and them not understanding what she is saying and not understanding why I'm not there.

Do you think she will have a good relationship with her dad if she only sees him every 6 weeks when she's so little?

samthomp · 05/02/2015 13:08

The problem is, when he has her to stay he refuses to update me on how she is, so it just makes me worry and a week seems such a long time!

samthomp · 05/02/2015 13:10

Zeldamae I agree, I don't know why he decided to move abroad when she is still so young.

ZeldaMae · 05/02/2015 13:11

Your concerns are valid. Why not suggest he stay in the UK and do, for example, a center parcs trip midweek. At her age that would be just as fun.

You can take it from there.

BeeRayKay · 05/02/2015 13:21

You really need to make sure she keeps up with the 6 weekly visits. Of course she'll be close with him.

And she's 2.5, not 1. I'm sure she will be able to understand him, and him her. They will find their own way of communicating.

And why should he keep you updated? Do you keep him updated every day? As long as he picks her up and drops her off when agreed, and she's happy and safe then it doesn't matter what goes on.

And if you don't think she's safe htat's something to discuss with a court. Not on here.

I think youre worrying about nothing, and understandably nervous. But really, you're doing the best thing for her by helping and encouraging a relationship with her dad.

And him moving abroad? Not the smartest thign maybe, but I bet if you and your current dp got an offer of a better life some where abroad....you'd not hesitate to take it.

ZeldaMae · 05/02/2015 13:30

you think the OP would leave her DD if she was offered a better life abroad?

Mmmbacon · 05/02/2015 13:39

He'll no, my 3 year old sees my mum about that frequency and no way would he be able to be left for a week in her care, it would be too traumatic at that age as they have no concept of time, maybe at 5 or 6 but for a 2.5 year old a man she sees every 6 week's is a stranger imo

BeeRayKay · 05/02/2015 13:49

Yes but mmmbacon she already stays with him for a week at a time (or did i misunderstand that?)

No zeldamae I never said that. I said she'd go. I meant with her DD thus causing the same distance that DD's dad is doing.

ZeldaMae · 05/02/2015 13:52

I know what you meant Bee. But he left his DD. So the equivalent would be the OP leaving her with her Dad to persue a 'better life'.

Mmmbacon · 05/02/2015 13:56

Sorry bee but imo big difference to fortnightly acess with weeks holiday to once every 6 week's and still expecting a week's holiday

As I said imo 6 WEEKLY intervals means he is effectively a stranger again to the child at every access, this will change as child grows but 2.5 is much too young

BeeRayKay · 05/02/2015 14:05

But then you get into the whole thing of the child being older and it harder to integrate the weeks stays...

I am coming from this from a relatively similar situation.

My MIL only gets to see our DD's every 6 weeks for roughly 2days at a time, and I've happily left them with her from the eldest being 2. And they have a wonderfully close bond....

Zeldamae I just feel that the Dad is getting short shrift for leaving, but if roles were reversed and it was OP taking the toddler away from Dad no one would be questioning why she was moving.

BeeRayKay · 05/02/2015 14:06

(fwiw neither me nor my dh would ever move away that far from our children, even if we were to split up. )

Andcake · 05/02/2015 14:10

Having a 2.5 year old too my worry wouldn't be abduction but dc understanding and feeling like I had disappeared. I think he would find it too upsetting - I would really encourage staying in this country the first few times with maybe you popping in. Also with a new dc arriving on the first visit I think current dc could find it all to much

samthomp · 05/02/2015 14:13

BeeRayKay she stays with him for a weekend (fri to sun) every 6 weeks, sometimes its slightly longer than 6 weeks depending on when he has booked his flights. My ex has asked to have my daughter for 2 separate weeks a year in addition to this. He left in November so would have seen her twice by the time he takes her away for a week.

I've always looked after my daughter since she was born (he wasn't a particularly great husband or dad in the first couple of months but that's another story). If he asked for an update I would give him one, when I'm away from her and not able to have an update on the simple things like if she's slept ok, if she's happy etc makes me feel like I've lost a limb, as my days are focused around her or picking her up from nursery etc. If she were staying with a relative I know I would be able to text or call at anytime just to make sure she is ok and I'd get an honest response.

I think priorities should change when you have children, by him moving to Dubai hasn't benefitted anyone except him, he doesn't even provide the maintenance he should to support my daughter financially and as he is in Dubai he doesn't need to as the UK government have no control.

I let him Skype her once/twice a week but she's not interested and runs away! Its an absolute nightmare, I even try engaging with him and her to make a conversation but she just refuses and then I'm made out to be the bad guy when we're not around and he wants to Skype.

I know she knows him and it will be fine, I just think a week away is a lot when I cant explain that she is going away for that long and she sees him so irregularly is it unfair on her? Also, there is a high chance she'll come back to a new sibling so will that make her feel left out in anyway?

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 05/02/2015 14:13

He refuses to update you when he has her?

Right there, that would mean that not a chance in hell wild I give him the opportunity to take her away for Spain for a week. You are overwhelmingly her prime carer and he doesn't have the decency to update you?

samthomp · 05/02/2015 14:17

I know, its so hard....he just doesn't respond to my texts and on the rare occasions that he does it one word answers.

He justifies it by saying he only has a short time with her and that I know shes ok.....I would still just like to know how she is!

He never asks how she is or what's she's been up to, if he did I would tell him! He never even asks how she is!

ZeldaMae · 05/02/2015 14:18

But Bee that's not what happened. He fucked off to Dubai, leaving his DD behind.

And the OP would be legally unable to remove her DD without the father's permission in the imaginary and not at all equivalent situation you describe.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2015 14:19

Personally speaking I would not want my child going abroad for a week at such a young age.

I do not think you have to agree to anything like this if you do not feel it is in your dd's best interests.

If you want to talk to your ex I would find out what your rights are to refuse overseas visits if you feel they are not in her best interests.

PopularNamesInclude · 05/02/2015 14:19

having regular and meaningful contact with his daughter is not compatible with moving to Dubai. I would say no to a week straight and no to taking her out of the country. will she be taken out of nursery and routine to accomodate Dad's visits to the UK? He needs to find a way of keeping in contact with his dd that puts her needs first.

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