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Parenting

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Original poster

My 2.5 year old daughter sees her father every 6 weeks...

51 replies

LondonSarah · 05/02/2015 12:52

I split up with my ex-husband when my daughter was 3 months old, he initially saw her every other weekend and had her for a week a year.

Last November he told me he was going to Dubai to live and that he wanted to see my daughter every 6th weekend and have her for 2 weeks a year, so since November he has seen her once.

Our daughter is now 2.5 years old and although understands a lot I'm not sure if she will be ok going away for a week at a time (maybe abroad) without understanding that she won't see me for all that time?
I am due to have another baby the week that she is due to go away with her dad and his girlfriend, do you think will do more damage than good? Do you think I can ask for her not to be taken out of the country? And is 2 separate weeks a year too much when he sees her every 6 weeks and she's still so little?

Help! I don't want to be unreasonable but at the same time it breaks my heart the thought of her not understanding the situation and not being able to communicate what she wants properly

OP posts:

Enb76 · 05/02/2015 14:19

I don't think a week is a problem, children are remarkably resilient and he'd probably have a lovely time. I think I would make it conditional on a Skype call half way through but wouldn't expect an update every day. He's your ex's child too and although it will be hard on you I think you should probably do it unless you have safety concerns.

Enb76 · 05/02/2015 14:20

Sorry, your daughter!

samthomp · 05/02/2015 14:24

Do you think its ok being away for a week at all at that age? He has booked his flights home now so I don't feel like I can change this now italiangreyhound?

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samthomp · 05/02/2015 14:26

popularnamesinclude, yes she'll be taken out of nursery for a week (she normally attends 3 days).

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2015 14:51

samthomp, you said Do you think its ok being away for a week at all at that age? He has booked his flights home now so I don't feel like I can change this now italiangreyhound?

Well personally, if he has made plans for your child without consulting you then I think I would not feel bad at all telling him it is not possible. Yes, I know it is his child too, but you are the main carer.

It does depend on how well she knows and gets on with her dad, and how competent he is to look after her. I do not want to assume he is not competent but if he does not live with her does he know her likes and dislikes, her routine etc?

From what you say he ceased to live with you (I take that from the fact you split up) when she was just three months old, so for over 2 years how much has he been in her life? Was he seeing her regularly? Was/is he competent to look after her? I may be being thick but it not clear to me how much contact he has had, If he has only seen her once since November then that is not very regular contact but I do not know how long that was for.

I would say a holiday in the UK would be better.

I would take advice about this if you are worried.

samthomp · 05/02/2015 14:55

Thanks Italiangreyhound.

Since November he has seen her every 6 weeks (so only once since he has left and is due to see her next weekend (fri-sun) which will be the last time before a week away in April (which will be a 7 week gap between visits)). Before that he saw he every other weekend but they stayed with his parents so I always knew they were there.

May seek advice so I don't have to have the battle without any backup.

peppapigonaloop · 05/02/2015 14:57

You need legal advice. Kind of irrelevant whether we think it's ok or not. If you are unhappy with it and legally you can refuse him to take her then that Can be your position..

Fwiw I personally wouldn't be happy with him taking her abroad but imagine a week somewhere in the UK would be ok..

ChippingInGluggingOn · 05/02/2015 15:02

No way. No where that requires a passport.

My best 'offer' would be that he can see her daily if he books a local b&b. She barely knows him.

His timing is crap.

Tough luck what he's already booked, he should have discussed it with you.

samthomp · 05/02/2015 15:02

Thanks guys for the advice! :)

ChippingInGluggingOn · 05/02/2015 15:07

He pays no maintenance.
He makes no contact between visits.
He shows no interest in her welfare.
He shows you no respect wrt arrangements.
He doesn't communicate with you when he has her.
He fucked off to Dubai.

He's exactly the sort of wanker who would take her to Dubai and keep her there because it suits him.

I'd do everything in my power to make sure this could not happen.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2015 15:07

Agree with peppapigonaloop that You need legal advice. Kind of irrelevant whether we think it's ok or not. If you are unhappy with it and legally you can refuse him to take her then that Can be your position.

We may say we think it is safe or unsafe but we do not know him at all. Only you know him. And even if it is safe it still may n ot be the best thing for your dd. It needs to be part of a bigger conversation about her welfare.

samthomp · 05/02/2015 15:23

I think you're right, I don't think he would take her to Dubai or anywhere else and not return her, I don't think he could cope to start with!

He does pay maintenance, just a much lower amount than what he should and I cant contest it as he lives and earns outside of Europe....he is incredibly selfish and used to getting what he wants to always end up giving in as it ends up being so nasty. I just cant imagine being away from her for a week with the updates he gives me and I do think she is too young to go abroad especially when she doesn't see him regularly anymore.

I'll get some legal advice to see where I stand....thanks again!

PopularNamesInclude · 05/02/2015 15:39

Yes, seek legal advice. Courts like children to have routine that is as uninterrupted as possible. Him taking her out of nursery will weigh against his plans, especially if he could stay nearby and be part of her routine. it is in her best interest to have a relationship with her dad but he needs to have her best interests front and centre.

Mmmbacon · 05/02/2015 16:00

Op am I correct in thinking your ex will have seen baby twice for a 3 day weekend before holiday

So basically 6 days over a 19 week period and wants to leave country with her, he will be a stranger, it's too long a gap at this age

BeeRayKay · 05/02/2015 16:07

how about, he takes her for three days, on day three you stay overnight in the area and he has for the remaining time? or he has her at his mums for a week?

I can understand the not wanting her out of the country for a week for the first time.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2015 22:02

Op you said I am due to have another baby the week that she is due to go away with her dad and his girlfriend, do you think will do more damage than good?

Do you have anyone else to look after your dd while you go into hospital to have your new baby (assuming you will go into hospital)?

I really think the meeting between your dd and new baby is very important and for her to go away with her dad for a week and then come back and you have a new baby, is potentially very unsettling for her!

samthomp · 05/02/2015 22:34

yes, my parents are staying a week before the baby is due, I really want her to be here but the timing is terrible and my ex is refusing to change his plans.

ZeldaMae · 05/02/2015 23:09

He probably chose this time to visit precisely to cause maximum stress and aggregation, to show everyone he's the most important person in this situation.

I'd refuse to go along with this OP. How dare he try to interfere with DD meeting her new sibling???

DS1 meeting DS2 is one of our most cherished memories, his father completely understood, despite being a knob, that it trumped pretty much anything.

Why is it so important to him to disrupt this special time for your DD?

Italiangreyhound · 06/02/2015 02:57

I agree with ZeldaMae, it feels to me like he has chosen the worst possible time to disrupt her! Can I ask if he is the father to your new baby? If not is the father on the scene. Please do not answer if you do not wish to.

Coyoacan · 06/02/2015 03:41

Your judgement, OP. I know I sent my dd overseas to visit her grandparents and father at a young age and, yes, there was a possibility of abduction, but when I thought about it I was 95% certain it wouldn't happen and it didn't. But that was those people, you know the father better than we do.

I think though, assuming he treats her well, she will be ok as long as you explain to her how long she is going to be away and she sees that you are confident in letting her go.

samthomp · 06/02/2015 07:57

He isn't the father to my second baby....but my daughter has a very happy home life and my new partner treats her as his own. I'm hoping the baby comes early!

mothermirth · 06/02/2015 08:54

If I were in your shoes would be putting her passport in a very safe place.

mothermirth · 06/02/2015 08:54

Italiangreyhound · 06/02/2015 14:22

Thanks *Op, does she even have a passport? I am assuming she does or it would not be a possibility. I agree about putting the passport in a very safe place. I do hope your new baby comes early and the meeting with her or his big sis goes very well. When my dd met her new brother she said it was the happiest day of her life. She has since revised that somewhat!

Chunderella · 06/02/2015 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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