Opnions please - am English but speak to DS in French!

[WeeMadMeg]

Dear MNetters -

I would appreciate any thoughts, advice and opinions on the following....I'm English but have been speaking to my DS exclusively in French since he was a bump. I do speak the language very well (almost but not quite native level), have a First Class degree in it and am a qualified French teacher. Most French people usually think I am French for oooh...at least a whole 5 minutes before they twig! DS is 8 months and it seems totally natural to me to chat and sing to him in French all day. Although now doubts are starting to set in - I am getting lots of negative comments from DH's family (he is also English)who think I am crackers, that the whole thing is weird and I will screw up DS for life.

I decided to do this as I really believe this is the best time to start and any exposure I can give him as a young child to another language can do nothing but good. I'm under no illusions that he will grow up a bilingual as I'm am not a native speaker but I hope at the very least it'll give him a massive head start in language learning at school. Or am I mad / wasting my time??

Les Francaises, qu'en pensez-vous? Est-ce que ca vaut la peine essayer de faire apprendre le francais a mon p'tit ou suis-je irrealiste??!

Just seen your last question.. I would like to know more about the context in which you teach and when and how you learned English first!

First of all I would like to say that teaching a child more than one language is a "great gift" which they will be happy about when they grow older.
My situation is this:
I am Danish I moved from DK in feb 2002 to Ireland, worked there and met my love (he is french) we spoke and are still speaking to each other in french. He does not speak danish and my french is not strong enough, I understand mostly but is still learning to talk. We moved to england in summer 2003. In England I gave birth to our DD in jan 2004 and our DS in may 2005. I was staying with them all day (my boyfriend was working) and I only spoke english to them. WHY: because we where living in england which for us meant speaken english was first, to show respect for the country etc. My boyfriend spoke a little bit french (when he was on his own with them).
Then in oct 2006 we moved to france that is where we are going to spend the rest of our life. So now my boyfriend speak almost 100% in french to them, me a little french and then english + a little funtime in danish.
They are starting in school in sep. so that means 100% french with "REAL french teachers", but we will keep speaking english to them, even if we don't speak the language perfectly (I have had english since I was 10) I am sure the teachers on this net will poibnt out spelling mistakes etc. But why should any one stop teaching their child another language even though it is not their mother tongue, IT IS A GIFT, I which my parents had had the same opportunity. Our kids are mixing english and french, counting in englisg, french and danish I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL. SO the bottomline is this. KEEP GOING and if anyone say it is not good etc. don't listen. I will ask my kids when they are old enough if they are happy that we been fighting hard to keep 3 language and I am sure they will say THANK YOU or MERCI or TAK

Hej Denmark rart at se dig igen, håber alt går godt med jeres hotel

But Sosoon I still fail to see how it can be damaging to her child that WMM is teaching her child french. I have not seen any proof of the damage it is claimed teaching your child a second language (whether it is the parent/s' first, second or third language)is causing as yet.

I tell you what is damaging is me sitting here trying to piece together something in English so it makes sense at the same time as having a conversation with my daughter in Danish .

However I understand what you mean about it being annoying when people mix up their languages. Personally I think it is a matter of laziness, stress and tiredness. I know I start mixing them up when I get really tired.

Anyway now that the children are in bed.

I really don't think she is doing her son any harm, it is their special language and as long as he knows that it is his and his mother's language, then I would classify it as exactly the same kind of situation as I find myself in. Her passing on an extremely valuable gift to her son that can only benefit him in the long run.

WeeMadMeg do you find it natural to speak in french, do you have to THINK about what you are saying or is it as easy for you as speaking in English?

Probably it has been said already several times (didn't fisnish reading the thread, sorry)

There is a current of thought that specifies that is better to speak to your children in your own language most of the time for several reasons. First you get child to learn the correct sounds of the language which are only naturally acquired during the first 3 years. Second, language is the main carrier of culture so, in multicultural situations it gives a child an understanding of himself and his family within the hosting cultural background. And third, spontaneity is a BIG issue, being able to be your natural self with your child is of paramount importance.

Any of the three things above may be compromised if you are speaking in a language foreign to you. However, it may be the case that you are submerged in that foreign language and it has become your own primary language while yours has taken a back seat, in such case it's OK.

In one hand, I have seen people who decide to speak their native language at home and let the children learn English at nursery/school. Their children are not behind at all in their mother language but obviously, they are in English. But, by 3-4 years old something clicks and they end up as fluent in English as they are in their own language. And due to the great exposure to the local language, the problem is no longer for them to speak the local language but for you to keep the mother language alive at home!

In the other hand, there are other parents who decide that the best start for their children (or possible for all the family) is to forget about their original language and concentrate in speaking the language of the place all the time. Contrary to what I was expecting, these children not only missed in learning the language of the parents, but had plenty of problems to speak the local language too, sometimes even more than those children whose parents spoke their own language at home. But again, by the time they are three or four... they are fine.

So... if you were just about to start I would recommend to leave it, but by now, perhaps speaking French to your child is so natural that it may be worth it to continue. In any case, no matter how much or little you try, their use of the local language will be as good as that of the other children that are around them, pretty soon.

Good luck.

Chandra - very good post.

I've been intrigued reading this thread. I speak fluent Spanish (having lived worked & studied there) but have found it virtually impossible to raise my two DC in it. DD is 2.8, DS is 9 months. DD has books / dvd & flash cards & when ever she feels like it we sit & do Spanish (DD's words....Mummy, let's do Spanish...!). I had convinced myself that I would be able to bring them up in another language but just found that the strenght of English, being my mother tongue was too great. I admire you for being able to do for so long..! I also have a friend who speaks at times to her DC in German (she is half German) but has readily admitted that it is getting harder & harder the older they get in knowing what to say & how to discipline them......however what I suppose I'm saying that any exposure at such a young age has to be benefical in the long run....nes pas?!..

Haven't read all the posts - I was brought up bilingual with my English mother speaking French as we were in France 50 percent of the time, until I was 7, and I've become a teacher of French, with (my all accounts) a very sound accent and fluency. When DD was born, it made sense to me to speak to her in French because all the nursery rhymes and baby talk I recalled were French. People have been positive with very few exceptions - one exception being my own mother who is intensely uncomfortable about it, and reckons it's artificial. Stick to whatever feels comfortable - the only thing I've noticed to date is that now DD is at school she is struggling to learn to read because she's used to my reading to her in French and feels reading with me in English 'isn't comfortable'. It might be wise to get DS used to your using some English, because it can lead to mild conflicts.

I agree that you have to feel totally comfortable with whatever approach you choose to communicate with your children.

I also think that consistency is just as, if not more, important. I always speak to my children in my mother tongue (German) and it's become a language that they associate with me. However, they still read me their English school books in English (when daddy is not around...) and we talk about the contents in German. That works very well and feels completely natural to us.

So I don't think that talking to your children in another language than English (in the UK) will make it any more difficult for them to learn or read in English. In fact, most bilingual chilren do better in school than monolingual children. So keep it up!

It is a very personal choice and it doesn't feel right to question it, but if you excuse my curiousity: Do you intend to continue speaking French to him all your life? If not, will he really keep his French or start losing it as soon as you go back to speaking in English with him? And how practical is it going to be to continue speaking French with him while you will be speaking English with everybody else?

We live in France, DH & I speak English between us, and have different mother tongues. DD has a French nanny who cares for her 1-2 hours per day, who speaks to her in French. I also speak French fluently and apparently without an obvious foreign accent, but I wanted DD to learn it from a French person.

DH speaks English to DD (he grew up in UK & speaks perfect English with no accent). I started out speaking English to DD (nobody can tell me from a native speaker, and I thought it was unfair to DH if DD started speaking my rather exotic language) but then found the whole thing artificial and, without meaning to, I slowly turned to my mother tongue.

toadstool - interesting.

I started out only ever speaking to my daughter in English. Her father only ever speaks to her in French, and we speak French as a family (I have two monolingual French stepsons).

My own French is really very good - people can't tell me from a native speaker.

Now my daughter is older (2.7), I find myself reading stories to her in both languages. She asks for, say, Babar, and I don't want to tell her that she has to wait for Papa to come home from the office to read it as I want to encourage her to read all the stories she wants (and we buy books in their original language). And she is totally unperturbed that we read the story together in French, but that we then discuss the pictures in English. I would never speak to her in conversation in French.

Do you think this is good preparation for school? Homework?

Sounds good to me! Don't get me wrong, I do think bilingual children have a big advantage overall at school - DD has a big vocabulary, for example, and several of her bilingual classmates are the same. The problem I'm discovering is (like 10 minutes ago) DD refuses to listen to me read an English book in English because she prefers me to talk "like you talk to me", i.e. in French. So she's looking at written English but she's hearing French, and I think it's definitely impacting on how she's learning to read English - Her teacher says her progress in class is good, though, so maybe I'm worrying over an emotional issue rather than an educational one.

Hello,

I have a DD who is 5, I speak spanish as I used to live there and we still go there quite a lot, I speak to her occasionaly in Spanish when we are in England and more so when we are in Spain and although she is not bi-lingual she has quite a good vocab for a 5 year old.

PLUS my secret weapon is that my DH (who is swedish) and I speak to each other in Spanish when we don't want DD to understand. My best friend told me her parents, who are flemish, used to do this (in flemish) when she was a kid and THAT was the easiest way she picked up the lanuage. Ha HA!

So my advice is to speak to child in both. Plus get some DVD's in French. My DD loves Los Lunnis and sings along to all the songs - cool .

I think speaking another language is cool and a huge bonus. I also speak French and occasionaly will speak a bit to her in that as well as she has just started learning it at school.
Think she is lucky to be learning it at such a young age.

Think your kid is lucky to have you so that they can learn French easily.

We speak only Afrikaans to our ds, we live in England and he has of his own accord picked up English words and he understands commands in English very well (judged by the way he reacts when English speaking people talk to him and ask him questions). He always speaks Afrikaans to us and uses English with other people (I never encouraged him to do either). He is now 2.3 and I've no doubt that as soon as he starts playschool he will switch to English without any trouble, he might later on prefer to speak it to us, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there, so although it will be beneficial to speak to him in English at home, I can't bring myself to.

Hi
Another non native speaker.
I´m German and so is my husband.
I speak english to my son since babyhood.He´s 4 now.
It can be tough.I know of the parents and parents in law problems.though my parents speak english and would understand but don´t approve.
I think a language is easyer learned living it,instead of learning it at school by book.( if you have the poss.)
My husband understands not much english,so I speak english to my son whenever we´re allone.
he hardly speaks ,well he starts now, slowly but as said before,he´s a bit torn.He likes to be like all his friends,who speak german.
Though he understands it all and likes to watch english videos.
We go to playgroup once a week.Do that if possible.
As a non native speaker I had to learn a lot of new words.All the nursery rymes and games.
special words you never came across and you never needed before.
Sometimes I get odd looks ,because I speak english and he answers back in german,but mostly I get positive comments.
Good luck,whatever your choice is.

It is always interesting to see how code-switching (mixing languages) is viewed as something wrong and a sign of incompetence on parenting sites, whereas socio-linguists see it as something perfectly normal and often typical of highly competent bilinguals.

Also interesting to see how strong the idea is that everybody has to have one mother tongue. Tbh I couldn't tell you which is my dc's mother tongue- can't remember which language either of them was first addressed in on the delivery table . Since then it's been a fairly equal mix, both parents speak both languages (Swedish and English) depending on any other company that may be present, dc's use both languages when playing together, and a typical conversation in the Cory household may change languages 6 or 7 times. But ever since the age of 2 they have known which words belong in which language and do not seem to get confused.

I don't think either of my children could tell you either which is their first language. Does one have to?

I have never noticed any emotional damage in either of mine.

I might add that I've never had any emotional difficulties with using English (t'other language) with my dc's, though from some of the previous posts I almost feel as if I should have. The truth is I always felt, despite my foreign upbringing, that I knew more English nursery rhymes, childrens' books etc than my English dh, so I did want to share that too with dc's. (for one thing I can hold a tune and he can't)

I think it's plain silly to tell another mother that she ought to find speaking in another language unnatural- surely that's for the poster to work out for herself?

Only read OP and recent posts ...

cory - agree with you. We switch between a number of languages and dialects and various distortions without feeling emotionally disturbed.

Califrau- "you should definitely have lived there" - I'm Malaysian Chinese and speak mandarin and have never lived in and do not intend ever to live in China. We do not speak "standard" Beijing chinese and do not intend to. We probably have SHOCKING accents... See if we care ... Language is a living thing, and an evolving thing. In future we will all speak in text!

WeeMadMag - hope you continue!

Gosh,
This seems to be getting people chatting! Im english. dh french. I speak french to our 2 ds's. ds1 goes to nursery and speaks english. He is fluent there. He understands now that mummy/mamam speaks two languages and switches between the 2 without problems. He only speaks french to his papa. You must decide how far you want to take this. He could be bi lingual if YOU want him to be. You will prob come across the same problems later on as parents who are native speakers with their kids choosing 1 language iyswim. People are always comment how great it is that I speak to my boys in French. Don't know what the fuss is about. It will put him ahead later on in life. We live in an international world now. It also helps brain/communication development ?