Opnions please - am English but speak to DS in French!

[WeeMadMeg]

Dear MNetters -

I would appreciate any thoughts, advice and opinions on the following....I'm English but have been speaking to my DS exclusively in French since he was a bump. I do speak the language very well (almost but not quite native level), have a First Class degree in it and am a qualified French teacher. Most French people usually think I am French for oooh...at least a whole 5 minutes before they twig! DS is 8 months and it seems totally natural to me to chat and sing to him in French all day. Although now doubts are starting to set in - I am getting lots of negative comments from DH's family (he is also English)who think I am crackers, that the whole thing is weird and I will screw up DS for life.

I decided to do this as I really believe this is the best time to start and any exposure I can give him as a young child to another language can do nothing but good. I'm under no illusions that he will grow up a bilingual as I'm am not a native speaker but I hope at the very least it'll give him a massive head start in language learning at school. Or am I mad / wasting my time??

Les Francaises, qu'en pensez-vous? Est-ce que ca vaut la peine essayer de faire apprendre le francais a mon p'tit ou suis-je irrealiste??!

lol

me too... at times anyway!

WMM - I agree with all the comments stating that bilingualism is a huge advantage!

My two children (4 and 2) are being brought up bilingually, as both my dh and I speak only in our respective mother tongues (me in German, dh in English). It does not confuse them in the slightest, and they are both talking well in both languages. So I think its a great advantage you can give your children!

However, I personally would find it a little 'unnatural' to speak to my children in anything other than my mother tongue (even though I've been in the UK for almost 15 years and do speak English quite well...). I just feel more comfortable speaking to them in my own mother tongue, especially when I get emotional or am expressing my honest feelings.

So, if you feel completely comfortable speaking to your children in what is for you a foreign language (in your case, French), then keep going and I wish you best of luck. Otherwise you can still help your son learn another language via playgroups, dvds, books etc.

hello i am doing exactly what you are doing. i adore french and france and find speaking french easy. i am a french teacher too. i am of course aware that i make mistakes and don't have a perfect accent, but i decided that as long as i could always express myself i would continue. so far so good and it has really improved my french. my mum has got fantastic at comprehension too!! i have never spoken in english to my daughter apart from on the very rare occasion that it appears very rude not to. it helps that i have made some french friends locally who seem happy enough to include me in their french circle. my daughter is five now and understands EVERYTHING i say and although since starting school replies mostly in english i am not losing heart as when she has to speak french (ie to my french friends and when in france) she can... and well... she once said she didn't want me to speak french and i just refused to stop (that's the teacher in my, i'm in control!)So, i say keep it up and well if nothing else your child won't have to learn any verb tables.

Hi there WMM,

hope your DS is ok. First, our family situation: Mum Scottish, Dad German, DD 5, DS 2.8. I speak English (and sometimes German) to the kids, DH German. We live in Germany.
DD goes to German kindergarten, speaks German fluently although she was later starting to speak. Her English is very good, but she doesn't get a lot of practice speaking with other kids
DS is speaks a mixture of German and English, just starting to sort himself out now.
I teach English to kids, youngest pupil 4.5mths old. I have found that my children and my pupils enjoy learning a second language and have fun with it.
I absolutely agree that bilingualism is a huge advantage and that you would be doing your DS a huge favour to carry on, if you feel comfortable speaking French with him. Don't agree that you will confuse him, children are much more intelligent than we give them credit for. Apart from anything else, to change to English now might confuse him more, you say you have spoken French to him since he was a bump.
I would try to find a French playgroup or nursery to widen his exposure to the language though. And don't be fooled. Bringing children up bilingualy is not easy, I get annoyed with people who say, oh, what a gift, that is so easy for your kids. It is not, it is bloody hard work. Good luck!

I come at this both as a linguist and a former mental health professional and I would caution you against using French as mother tongue when it's not your native language and you're not living in France. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with TEACHING your child French, but to make it the language of relationship and communication between you when you are a native English speaker, in England is odd. Children NEED a strong mother tongue in which to think, feel, dream. Those who do not have this are psychologically disadvantaged. Are you sure you want French to be his mother tongue? Unless you are sure that he will go to a French speaking school or that you will move to France at some point, I would prioritise his psychological wellbeing over his linguistic prowess.

Sorry, can't agree to Londonmamas post.

I have been living in Germany for almost 15 years and when my DD was born 5 years ago I had to force myself to speak English with her. It had become second nature to me to speak German and it was very difficult to get back to speaking English.

I do not believe that if I had not persevered that my children would be in any way disadvantaged or damaged. As it is, I sometimes speak German to them because, in the heat of the moment German comes more naturally to me.

If WMM's French is as good as my German (not meaning to boast, but I am often taken for a native speaker) then I don't see why she should not carry on.

But Macamama, your situation is different since you're living in Germany and speaking to your child in the native tongue of that country - that doesn't seem odd at all, particularly if it has become easier to you to speak German than English.

You are not mad. My friend who only speaks French to her DS's when she is telling them off is mad - they don't speak French, and she's not French ! LOL.

As mentioned before, I am German, living in Germany and speak English with dd anyway. I am also taken for a native speaker most of the times. I have thought about that a lot before taking it up and of course I sought advice before, and as far as I know it will not effect my dd as in giving her psychological disadvantages as long as she has German (in our case) as her first, mother language. This mother language does not refer to me as her mother speaking it but to her "strong" or first language, at least that is what we have been told. Since everybody else around is German, this is and will be her mother tongue, and this is the way we will go.
By the way, how are you, Meg??

Joining the encouragers ... I'm not sure why it's so wrong to continue to speak to your child in French even if it's not your native tongue particularly when you can maintain/improve your level through joining groups, going to France on holiday etc.

As long as you, the speaker, feel comfortable, feel you can express yourself, even if it is with the help of the dictionary from time to time, this shouldn't be an issue. There is much more to language than what is spoken. Body language counts for over 80% of communication.

Keep it up. Maintain/increase your child's exposure to the language and enjoy!

Londonmamma is there anyway that you might be exagerating slightly with your use of phycologically damaging the child?

The way I read your message is that unless you live in the country, or the child gets to use the language in future the child is going to be psychologically disadvantaged!!?? Do you know where your children are going to end up living. If yes then how do you know. My parents thought I was the last of their children who would end up living abroad, how wrong they proved to be.

If I have understood your message correct then I am putting my children's psychological wellbeing over their linguistic prowess because I am TEACHING my children to speak in Danish (I am from Denmark), but because I have lived in Scotland for so many years I tend to get slightly muddled up from time to time. There are no Danish schools I can send my children to over here. We have no plans to move back to Denmark. (And we only go to Denmark max. once a year) All in your opinion very bad and damaging to the child!!??

Is it also bad then when a family where the mother is german, the father is british and they live in France. Should they all then only speak French because they live in France and they have to speak french in school and at work?

I don't mean to be rude but I just think that you might be rather dramatic about this.

I haven't had time to read the whole thread yet sorry, but will later to see what you all think. But just wanted to say to you WeeMadMeg that there is nothing wrong IMO with what you are doing. If you feel you can comfortably and fully communicate with and raise him in French then why not? He will no doubt find it useful in later life, and if he is bilingual he will find adapting to learning other languages easier (or so the theory goes). I was trinlingual from birth with welsh, irish and english. Then when I was a child we moved to latin america and I learnt spanish but still spoke welsh at home. Now I live in Bosnia and my son speaks welsh and english at home, and is learning bosnian in school. I have never felt confused and so far my ds doesn't seem confused by having a choice of languages. It doesn't matter where you are in the world. Having more than one language to draw on can only ever be a good thing, surely?

Go with your insinct.

instinct even

I think that if you're confident enough that your level of French is good enough for him to learn it properly, and if it feels natural to you (as it seems) why not? But I would also try to make him hear French through other channels, even if it's still a bit early at his age. Maybe try and meet up with other French speakers on a regular basis.
Don't listen to what people might say, your son will thank you one day.
I find the reaction of your dh's family really odd, but not surprising. My dd is bilingual and that seems to impress everyone who meets her.

WeeMadMeg, I do hope you start to communicate with your lo in English, and I speak as a multilingual with multilingual children. From what I´ve read there are pschological and emotional problems associated with using an acquired language rather than your mother tongue with your children. Have you read up yourself on this subject? Perhaps this would be particularly useful in your case.

To me, the best way forward to encourage your lo in foreign language learning is to surround him with French DVDs, CDs etc., to get a French-speaking babysitter on a regular basis and to take your holidays in a French speaking area. Also to hear you communicating in French with other people. Make French a natural and ever-present part of his life but not the whole thing. Are you also forgetting the huge advantage provided by having English mother tongue? Having lived abroad most of my life I know just how valuable this is, even if I don´t need to use the language very much.

Londonmama,
from your experience how would you feel about a child that is being raised bilingually, by a German speaking mother, an English speaking father and goes to an English school?
My dd is 5 and speaks both German and English very well - she is actually amongst the top of her (UK Reception) class in reading and writing. I only speak to her in German ( I would find it very unnatural to speak to her in anything other than my own mother tongue...., despite having lived in the UK for 15 years....), she goes to German Saturday school as well as spending lots of holidays in German speaking countries.
I have never thought about which is her 'mother tongue' - German or English?
I would be interested in your thoughts as you appear to have lots of experience in this area.

Having read through the posts this time, I feel, like some of the other posters, that I must disagree with you, Londonmamma. I don't have your professional background and cannot back up my opinions by quoting relevant studies, BUT I don't think there can be hardfast rules about which language MUST be spoken between a child and its parents in order to avoid psychological damage. Think of all the countries in the world where more than one community language is the norm.

Surely a country where various community languages are in everyday use is a completely different situation?! And can´t be compared with where WeeMadMeg is coming from at all.

To me, commonsense dictates that a parent communicates to his child in his mother tongue/dominant language in order to facilitate communication and to try to encourage the highest level language skills possible. This is not the case when a parent uses a language he does not have complete mastery of. And sorry Burek but ignoring all studies that contradict your anecdotal evidence is not helpful to WeeMadMeg.

Am I a bit harsh here? Don´t mean to be at all!

SoSoon then you too think that I am damaging my children because I speak to them in Danish at home? My danish is not always perfect, as I have lived over here for so long and sometimes use the wrong terminology, and I am Danish.

WeeMadMeg's child/ren will still be taught English at school and by their father and his relatives, and his social life, as will my children. They are happy, healthy and content with the arrangement that they speak a different language with their mother. They automatically switch over to Danish when they see me. They are not embarrased, because there is no need to be.

It might just be that french to WeeMadMeg is a more natural language to speak to her son in, and she finds it easier than English.

Maybe I didn't express myself clearly enough (probably because I was raised trilingually!! ) but I really wasn't suggesting we ignore any studies, only that I couldn't back up my personal opinion with any studies (because I have none to hand and am not a professional in this field).
Thank you for saying that you didn't mean to be harsh there SoSoon, because TBH I did initially feel a bit . It looks like many other people have shared their own anectodal evidence/personal experiences here in order to help WeeMadMeg in her decision, not just me.

Maisemor, no, I definitely do not think you are damaging your children because you speak to them in Danish!!! You may be a little out of practice with the language if you rarely speak it, but it is still your mother tongue and it´s great that you´re passing this language on to your children. What I wanted to sa is that parents should speak their own language to their children, so eg. in teh situation you brought up earlier where the mother is german, the father is british and they live in France, IMO German and English would be spoken and home and French the child would use French with people in the french-speaking community. What London was saying is that it would be completely unnatural for this family to speak french. Weemadmeg also wants to speak to her child in French, which is not her mother tongue and a language she does not speak completely correctly.

Hi Burek, glad I didn´t upset you! I would love to be in your head and see how you think diffently to monolinguals. I feel quite strongly that languages should be separated out and not mixed as I´ve met people who mix languages a lot in conversation. I know I´ve done it myself someimes and it´s not ideal in a monolingual situation.

Sorry this is so long winded!

I think differently? Why didn't anyeon tell me??

Oh, one more question (out of interest) before I leave: do you think it is ok that I teach English, if English is not my mother tongue?

Gosh, am I dropping myself in it deeper??!!

I think you must think differently..? All my languages have been acquired as an adult, but if I had learned them from babyhood I´m sure I would see the world differently. Do you think you do?