Tough situation....

[CharlotteACavatica]

My friend revealed recently that her ds who is almost 7 is not her dp's, and that he has taken her ds on as his own from birth, her ds doesnt know, he thinks that he is his dad, and so obviously at some point she knows she is going to have to tell him, but she doesnt know how and when! He is a very laid back child but she obviously doesnt want him to feel hurt or confused and also that his real dad doesnt want anything to do with him at all (pig) how does she help him understand all this and the inevitable questions that he will have??

Why does she have to tell him? How will this benefit her son?

I agree with bluejelly. I have a friend who had sperm donated whos DS thinks his dad is his dad. I dont think it serves any purpose.

Tricky situation! My friend was in the same position as your friend's ds iyswim. His parents announced it to him on his 18th birthday ! Not a good move. His parents seem quite sensible othwise but that did ruin his bday. He still has an excellent relationship with his mum and stepdad and has never tried to contact his biological dad and nor has he tried to contact my friend.

I can think of reasons bluejelly - possibility of inherited conditions from his biological dad's family, for example.
People might also make funny/unhelpful comments in the boy's hearing if he looks very like his birth dad and very unlike the dad who has brought him up.
My ds was 7 recently and is suddenly asking much more probing questions about family dynamics and relationships generally. Maybe charlotte's friend's boy has said something which is making her wonder if she does need to tell him now.

If determined to go ahead, I would explain it in simple terms to the child asap. So it feels like he always knows it, not a huge announcement made at a later date when he will suddenly feel like he has been lied to all his life.
I would constantly reassure the boy that his step-dad is his real dad, that the other man just gave the sperm and give some euphemistic reason for why he's not around ( he had to live somewhere else for work?) He can ask more questions as he gets older.
Lots of reassurance about his dad (step-dad) loving him hugely and about it not changing a thing in the family would also be necessary, IMHO

I had a good friend at school that by sheer fluke when she was 14 found out that her dad wasnt her dad and she lost it completley, it absolutley shattered her whole world and i think my friend is scared this may happen to her ds!

I think that's understandable at 14. Which is why I would advise doing it in a low key way when asap-- or not at all.
Things you have 'always known' don't tend to screw you up IMHO. To think your whole life has been a lie must be terrifying.

But that's just my opinion!

I'd say the younger the better, just try to be very matter of fact about it and stress how much DP loves him.

Not quite the same I know, but me and my brother are adopted and I have told my DDs (aged 5) briefly about the fact that my mum isn't my "real" mum - my real mum was young and couldn't look after me so I was picked by their nana etc etc. My brother has two boys aged 11 and 13 and they have no idea about this and I'm sure my DDs will soon be mentioning it to them which could be a bit awkward. Hence, the younger the better IMO.

totally agree with bluejelly, finding out too late could cause a massive identity crisis. If it seems like a perfectly normal natural completely ordinary thing which ds has always been aware of then it is much less likely to become a big issue later on.

Hm, obviously for this lil lad the new dp is the dad, and nothing will every change that...like teh saying goes, anyone can be a fatehr, it takes a special person to be a dad
I don't think she should worry about this at this time, if the situation arises, which might not be all that soon, then she can tell him in an age appropriate way!

They do need to address it. My dad isn't my dad either IYSWIM, but I've always known and it has never been an issue at all. I suspect if it had been landed on me as a teenager I would have come over all angsty and made it into a big deal which would have caused all sorts of problems for my family. As it is, it really means very little to me.

My dad of course means everything to me