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Parenting

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Original poster

How did you know you had had your final baby??

72 replies

chainedtothedesk · 12/01/2015 09:43

I have two lovely children but always thought I would have more. Up until recently I would have done anything to have a 3rd and now my husband has agreed. And suddenly after years of wanting I am doubting our decision.

There seem to be so many practical reasons why it is NOT a good idea to have more children. Our house isn't really big enough, I'd have to take time off work again (i'm self-employed), the cost of childcare, etc. etc. My daughter is 7, my son is 4. Another baby would mean starting all over again just as my youngest is starting school.

Also, I'm approaching my late 30s so it kind of feels like its a 'now or never' moment and I can't shift the thought that another baby would 'complete' me.

I can't stand the thought of getting rid of all the baby stuff that I've kept hold of 'just in case'. And the thought that my baby years may be over really saddens me. But then this isn't a good enough reason to have more is it?

Is this a stage that everyone goes through? I feel I'm getting slightly obsessed about it and always analysing the pros and cons. Whenever i see a family with 3 kids I think that's what I want. But I have a great little family now - so why rock the boat??!

Please help! I feel a decision needs to be made and then I can get over this obsession and move on.

OP posts:

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ArcheryAnnie · 12/01/2015 09:53

I wanted a big family but stopped at one child when it became clear that another pregnancy would leave me very ill. I would have risked it for a first baby, but now I have to put the child I already have first before any hypothetical or potential other children. I'm now approaching the menopause (I fervently hope) so it's a done deal.

If you don't have another baby will you regret it? Possibly yes, possibly no. But the life you build with the two children you already have will be more important.

As for the stuff you've kept "just in case" - if you can give that to a friend having a first child, it will be pretty satisfying for both parties!

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 12/01/2015 09:53

While I don't regret DS2's existence I didn't fully appreciate how much work three is. He was born when DD was 6 and DS1 was 3. He is now five and I am just starting to feel that I am coping with them. I always wanted four but there is no way on earth I would do that now.

Sometimes it's best to make the decision that won't stretch you. It's OK for things to be manageable.

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 12/01/2015 09:54

Or get a dog ;)

Interested in this thread?

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4 year olds 7 year olds Families General parenting

WanderingTrolley1 · 12/01/2015 09:56

When I almost died having my 3rd DC.

PacificDogwood · 12/01/2015 10:00

Well, I always wanted 2 or 4.

We have 4. Sometimes I see the wisdom of having 2… , but the problem is that the 2 I would get rid of keep changing depending on behaviour at the time .

Don't think about 'babies', think about another person, a child, teenager, adult in your life. Babies are only babies for a short period of time.

I think a wee twinge of regret at the thought that your baby time is over is totally understandable, but not enough to have another one.

Otoh, if you want to have a bigger family, go for it!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 12/01/2015 10:00

When I fell pregnant with dc2 and was so tired and poorly (not life threatening just general pregnancy woes) - I felt so guilty towards dc1 and hated my pregnancy. I knew then I would never go through another pregnancy.

Had an amazing birth with DC2 which was amazing as DC1s was horrific - so I feel blessed to have had that.

But no more babies. Two is hard. Three will be even harder and I dont think (for me) its a worthwhile trade off.

Im selling off and packing up for others all of DC2s stuff the second he outgrows them!

Original poster

chainedtothedesk · 12/01/2015 10:02

Thanks for your replies. You're right, ArcheryAnnie, I have passed on some stuff and not kept EVERYTHING, and it was nice to know that our old stuff was getting used again. But in the back of my head, I always thought, well that friends would probably return the favour if I ever had another so it wasn't like getting rid of everything completely.

Ha! Wellwellwell - no, I have no intention of getting a dog!

WanderingTrolley1 - that's one way to talk me out of it!

OP posts:

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 12/01/2015 10:02

Get rid of the baby stuff - if you can afford another baby you can afford to buy more stuff. That's how we justified it.

Wellwellwell3holesintheground · 12/01/2015 10:04

List your reasons for not getting a dog - bet they can mostly be applied to not having another baby.

steppeinginto2015 · 12/01/2015 10:08

We have 4. Sometimes I see the wisdom of having 2… wink, but the problem is that the 2 I would get rid of keep changing depending on behaviour at the time grin.

this really made me laugh!

I have 3. I never wanted 2, too neat and tidy for me. But then I come from a family of 3 and so does dh.

2 would be calmer. Three is more interesting. When I had 2 I knew I wasn't finished. Once dc3 was born, I was happy that that was it. I gave away everything as she grew out of it!

Original poster

chainedtothedesk · 12/01/2015 10:10

Good point Wellwellwell. Would seem a waste though to get rid of a perfectly good cot, pram etc. and then buy again in a year.

I feel I am going round in circles. I am sure that I really want another and then within minutes I'm talking myself out of it. I am constantly comparing my situation to others and thinking 'well they did it and everything worked out' or 'well they have just 2 and they're happy'. Aarggh!! I'm driving myself mad!

OP posts:

Original poster

chainedtothedesk · 12/01/2015 10:13

steppeinginto2015 I think that is how I feel. I am one of 3, and so is DH. Families of 2 kids just seems too neat and tidy - but so much easier to holiday with...

OP posts:

steppeinginto2015 · 12/01/2015 10:27

One thing I would say, it probably works better if the gap between 2 and 3 is similar to gap between 1 and 2. If you have a much bigger gap, it would be much harder to go back to baby stage, and the older ones move on to new things and having a much younger one makes it harder to do.

ArcheryAnnie · 12/01/2015 10:35

What chained said has made me thing that's not a bad way to start: imagining your current life, and all the things you want to do with your DP and existing DCs. Eg family occasions, holidays, sending them to college, etc etc. And thinking will this be better or not so great with a third. And your existing DCs are only little for a short time, too - you might decide their lives would be better with another sibling they will have and love all their lives, or better with more attention from you and your DP while they are little, not distracted by another baby. (I have no idea which would be better for you - it could go either way!)

Original poster

chainedtothedesk · 12/01/2015 11:44

Yes ArcheryAnnie these are all the practical reasons why sticking at two is the obvious choice. I want my kids to be able to do 'stuff', swimming lessons, music lessons, go on school holidays, go to uni etc. Having three obviously means that our money won't go as far and we would have to watch what we spend even more and for longer.

On the other hand, life might not always be like this? I will probably earn more when the current financial crisis is finally over and I am back working full time. I just worry I will get to my 40s and regret that I didn't have another when I had the chance.

OP posts:

mrsannekins · 12/01/2015 16:30

Baby no 2 is due in March, and that will be all for us. I've been really poorly with HG this time round, and have found it hard enough with a one child in tow. As HG usually gets worse with successive pregnancies, there is no way I could do it again.

But it's fine. I'm happy that I will have been blessed with 2 little monsters when I was told when I was 19 that I wouldn't be able to have any!

PacificDogwood · 12/01/2015 16:45

Just for the record I am so Very Done With Babies, but am seriously considering a dog

HelenaJustina · 12/01/2015 16:45

When I was pregnant with DC4 I knew that this was the last time I wanted to hand my body over to another person. I bf all mine to minimum 12 months so it is a big commitment to make each time. 2 was too small, 3 unbalanced us dynamic wise, 4 is just right.

I did get quite broody when DC4 was 6-12 months but it passed when I stopped feeding and my hormones settled down. I have now given away everything and it feels fine. I look at other people's newborns and don't feel the pang!

Only you will know but as someone said up thread, don't just think baby, think toddler, preschooler, teenager etc. I would do the newborn bit again in a heartbeat but not the sleep deprivation, weaning, potty training, tantrums, or being tied to them...

MehsMum · 12/01/2015 16:50

I had an exhausting pregnancy with my last DC.

This was followed by a very good birth, and a healthy lovely baby. I was in my mind-30s with a houseful of DC/DH/Cat. I reckoned I was finished, but I might have wavered.

Then, when the lovely baby was a few months old, I had a phone call from a very old friend. His first child was sixth months old and had just been diagnosed with profound disabilities. He was devastated, as was his wife.

I came off the phone crying, looked at my lovely baby, and my other healthy DC. I tried to imagine coping with another child, but one with complex needs and serious health issues.

DH and I decided we wouldn't have any more.

MehsMum · 12/01/2015 16:51

in my mid -30s, I meant.

ZingTheGreat · 12/01/2015 16:56

because we discussed he will be the last one before we started to TTC

I'd love an 8th, but I just couldn't cope with another pregnancy and how it would effect everyone else.

I'm sure I will have broody moments in the future, but no, no more, we are done.

findingherfeet · 12/01/2015 17:11

I just don't feel broody, after DD I knew I wanted another and to experience the whole pregnancy/newborn thing again.

I always thought I'd want 3 but like others have said, I'm very lucky to have 2 healthy and on the whole happy DC. I find this young, demanding, relentless stage tiring and I can't imagine I'd have any freedom if I had 3 as selfish as that might sound, I can't imagine investing all of myself into another person - our family feels complete

And whereas I felt envy of pregnant woman in the past, I now just feel relieved I've done that bit and am enjoying mine the older they get!

Will be sad to see the cot etc Go mind....

morethanpotatoprints · 12/01/2015 17:14

I fell pg whilst on the menopause, so knew after this I'd have no more.
I was 38 though and had to others.

I'm not sure you can know unless there's a medical reason.
I was never the broody, maternal type and ended up with 3.
I can't ever remember ahhing at babies in prams.

Lagoonablue · 12/01/2015 17:31

Would love 3 but now too old. So we are getting a dog. Definite baby substitute for me!

ArcheryAnnie · 12/01/2015 17:33

I might have more if they arrived on the doorstep in a handbag - but it would have been really irresponsible of me to risk another when I already had one to look after.

I'm also comforted to know that any responsibilities that DC takes on after I'm dead (I hope a long way from now!) will be his choice rather than left to him because there is nobody else to do it. I have caring responsibilities for one of my siblings, and it isn't easy.

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