How did you know you had had your final baby??

[chainedtothedesk]

I have two lovely children but always thought I would have more. Up until recently I would have done anything to have a 3rd and now my husband has agreed. And suddenly after years of wanting I am doubting our decision.

There seem to be so many practical reasons why it is NOT a good idea to have more children. Our house isn't really big enough, I'd have to take time off work again (i'm self-employed), the cost of childcare, etc. etc. My daughter is 7, my son is 4. Another baby would mean starting all over again just as my youngest is starting school.

Also, I'm approaching my late 30s so it kind of feels like its a 'now or never' moment and I can't shift the thought that another baby would 'complete' me.

I can't stand the thought of getting rid of all the baby stuff that I've kept hold of 'just in case'. And the thought that my baby years may be over really saddens me. But then this isn't a good enough reason to have more is it?

Is this a stage that everyone goes through? I feel I'm getting slightly obsessed about it and always analysing the pros and cons. Whenever i see a family with 3 kids I think that's what I want. But I have a great little family now - so why rock the boat??!

Please help! I feel a decision needs to be made and then I can get over this obsession and move on.

I knew because I was 40 when ds2 was born.

While the pregnancy was straightforward and the birth was very easy, it still felt that we'd been "lucky" to have such an easy ride at a fairly advanced maternal age and I wouldn't personally want to try again now that I'm 42.

Other reasons were cost of childcare (ds1 is 6 years older so we never had to pay 2 sets of nursery fees at once), size of house (ds1 & 2 don't have to share a room which given the age gap is a plus), and the least rational one - although there's a big gap they have a lovely relationship. If we had another with a small gap I'd hate for ds1 to feel left out .

I always wanted 2 children, but ds2 is so damn gorgeous (and a good sleeper!) that if I'd been younger we might have gone for three. Our reasons are good enough for us to take it entirely off the cards though.

Dulra - but doesn't everyone think like that in labour? Great that you didn't change your mind afterwards!

poas and told DH. second sentence after "I'm pregnant" was "this is the last one"! I have almost 2yo twins so life is going to be interesting in the second half of the year.

I'm not sure I would have the guts to go again if youngest were already at school...

I have three, 7, 5 and 3. I thought I would be definitively done after #3 but it's not that clear cut. Realistically we probably are finished but that makes it sound simpler than it feels. I don't think I ever did or possibly will wake up one day absolutely certain that the decision is right.

I'm 38 and I'm done. I have a boy and a girl. I had PND and never want to feel like that again.

Thanks chained we've pretty much gotten used to the idea now, but we've also decided to get DH' vasectomy done privately instead of waiting for the NHS to be comfortable with his age (he's under 30).

ginger and I seem to be in the minority here, but I knew I was fine with 1. Love my DS but he exhausts me! I don't get a pang when I see newborns, I think 'that poor mum must be so tired', babies are hard. But then I find toddlers hard too, so I think 2 would send me over the edge!

Sounds like you are really torn OP, and it is a difficult decision to make, so you think you would have to move house, and time off work would that be a problem? Financially? If it's a solution like 'I would feel complete if we move house, to somewhere bigger and have another child' would that make your family seem perfect/complete?

Millie3030 I am REALLY torn. We wouldn't have to move straight away but the bigger the gap between the kids I think the harder it is for them to share a bedroom. I'd be happy for them to share while they're still fairly little but I know from experience that once you get to your teens it isn't much fun to share especially if your sibling is several years younger.

I'd have to take some time off work and as I'm self employed I probably wouldn't take very long off. I'm really conscious that the grass is always greener and all that and another baby isn't really going to make my family perfect (far from it!).

Chunderella I'm 36. So imagining it could take up to a year at least to get pregnant, then add another 9m and before you know it I'm almost 40 which I know isn't old but I would feel happier still being in my 30s if / when another baby arrived. Also I don't want the gap between my eldest and youngest to be huge.

You could do what we do, and start trying to see how you feel about it. Slightly risky strategy, admittedly, but if you're open to the idea of another one, it does tend to focus the mind and tip you into either 'omg what have we done' territory or 'aahhh this is quite exciting'!! Though beware, it took 4 months to conceive DD1, 10 or so to conceive DS, and, erm, 2 VERY half hearted months of trying for DD2 (I was/am 37).

I'm 42 soon, and we are going to try one last time. We have 2 DSs and had a DD recently that didn't live. I will always regret if we didn't at least try, but unfortunately we'll have to have a cut off point where it becomes obvious I'm just too old to have one.

We'll always feel incomplete as a family, but we need a DC3 to put our sorrows behind us and move on.

I have four.
Used to look at those with two and think it must be very quiet .

Oh how I would love things to be nice & quiet.

I have 3. I find it much harder than 2.

A part of me would like 4 and DH always knew it. We decided to stop after 3 because life was hard at that time (mainly for reasons not directly connected to having a third child). DH was very anti 4 for a long time then suddenly out of the blue said he secretly longed to have a 4 child family.

When we talked (and talked and talked) about it we realised that we just couldn't handle the effect of ttc, pregnancy and the baby/toddler years on our older children. Youngest was 3.5 when we were thinking this. It was likely to be at least 1.5 years before fourth would be born, then we'd have the baby shackles for 3 to 4 years. Careers would be affected, mostly mine.

We decided against. I am glad. Our lives have moved on to a new stage, where all the dc are at school, my career is back on track, we do adventurous things on a whim (no buggies, no nappies, no special food, no tantrums, no planning every move with military precision).

I had some difficulty accepting that the next stage in my life would include the menopause. Somehow being finished with childbirth made that seem more real even though I've probably got a few years yet. I had to take stock of my feelings around being a woman who is ageing. It was surprising difficult for an ardent feminist such as myself. I blame society and all (and my mum). I got over it eventually.

Have you talked and talked and talked with your DH or is it all going round in your head only?

I had some difficulty accepting that the next stage in my life would include the menopause. Somehow being finished with childbirth made that seem more real even though I've probably got a few years yet. I had to take stock of my feelings around being a woman who is ageing. It was surprising difficult for an ardent feminist such as myself. I blame society and all (and my mum). I got over it eventually.

Thank you for this HotChoc - you have crystallised and explained what I have been feeling so clearly and concisely and it is a relief to me to have it so enunciated, when I have been feeling tongue (and brain!) tied about it all. I read your post and shouted (in my head so as to not scare the dog) "Yes, THAT's it!"

This is why I love MN - in between the bun fights, parking threads, and AIBUs, you find perceptive, helpful words. Thank you for taking the time to post that HotChoc

^^ yes to above! You do have to wade through the bun fights, AIBU, and harsh mumsnetters, and then there are lovely people on here and great advice like that.

Think zoemaguire's advice is good! Just stop the protection and see how you feel each time you 'do the deed'. If you think "Ooo this is exciting we could end up pregnant" might be the right thing to do. If you think "oh god this could be a mistake" it might tell you all you need to know.

In my early 40s and expecting number six, this pregnancy is getting hard, I do wonder if I will feel like this one will be the last one when it is born.

We took the lax approach to contraception to see how we would feel. DC3 was conceived first night.

Wouldn't be without our big crazy family, however I can now see all the really sensible reasons for having 2.

It is hard doing all the primary things with a baby (and even more so toddler) in tow. By the time your putative dc3 is doing all these things, you will be practically wrangling a teenager as well. More DCs and the stages merge, making it harder to enjoy a phase. Going back to a baby/toddler would be a shock. The expense is frightening, and gets worse as they get older...

I had DD2 days before I turned 43. I would love to have had a bigger family, we have 2 DDs, but we started late as I didn't meet DH until I was 34. I had two MC between DD1 and DD2. So despite really wanting 3 we stopped. I know sometimes I'll wonder what could have been if we'd gone for another but this is the right decision for us.

Thank you for all your responses. Some real food for thought. I will keep you posted if / when a decision is reached...

Thanks HotChoc for your really interesting point.

Philoslothy six?? Makes me wonder why I'm worrying so much about 3!

I thought we were finished when I had my last dc. So much so I got sterilised

Three years on and we are weighing up the pros and cons of reversal vs ivf. Never thought I'd be in this position