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80 replies

Sw66tP6a · 02/01/2015 15:57

As the mother of sons, one of whom is a capable, loving and adored Daddy of two (aged 3 and 5), what are your thoughts on mothers who withdraw/limit access to him to "bank" nights to get maximum maintenance and the house?

OP posts:
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HonestLie · 03/01/2015 13:22

So he wanted residency of the children in order to keep hold of the family home? Did he believe the children would actually be better off with him as a resident parents or was is just the house? Hmm

Lweji · 03/01/2015 13:27

Micah's OH had been the main carer, which for a woman would mean automatic residency. I do think he could have argued it in court, but in practice would that be the best for the children? But would the mother agree that settling out of court and agreeing to him being the resident parent was also the best for the children?

GratefulHead · 03/01/2015 13:45

There are always two sides but please nobody make this mistake of thinking some women are not nasty and vindictive because some just are,

I am going back to the Seventies here but my Uncle lost contact with his children until they were adults as their mother made sure he couldn't see them. It went to court umpteen times and in every case she broke the judgement and made sure my Uncle was kept away from his children. My lovely grandmother was also excluded from the lives of her grandchildren. Every year she sent birthday and Christmas cards and money which we now know were opened by the mother, the money went into her purse the cards were thrown away.

How do we as a family know this? Simple, the children are now adults, they have nothing to do with their Mum and built a fabulous adult relationship win their Dad/my Uncle until his death from cancer. The stories they tell of their mother are horrendous, one of my cousins (the only boy) was literally a battered child. The girl cousins tell of the horror of their mother beating him for what seemed like hours.

This woman was and is the most toxic and vicious mother any child could have had. My cousins all have ongoing issues as a result of their upbringing by her. All would have fared better had the courts in those days made sure the contact arrangements were adhered to and certainly the abuse would have stood more chance of being picked up. In those days though children were often not believed, my cousin finally told one of his teachers what was happening,....what did they do? Of course.....they brought the mother in "for a chat". She denied it, my cousin got the worst beating of his life and never bothered disclosing again.

My cousin is now waiting impatiently for his mother to die, the only time he wants to see her again is in a coffin and he says then he will kick it "to make sure she is dead" Sad

Okay I know there are useless men out there, my Dad was one of them but there are plenty of men who DO want to see their children and who DO pay their way. There are two sides to ever story indeed....but the bad one is not always the Dad.

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HonestLie · 03/01/2015 13:52

I apologise for my comment Micah I didn't see the part where he was the main carer. I think his legal advice was pretty poor if I'm going to be honest.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 03/01/2015 14:10

There are two sides, but the OP has portrayed her son's side to make him look like a disney dad, someone who wants access so that he can get the family home. I doubt this is the case, but the way in which she's toned her posts hasn't done her any favours.

Has he gone to court for access? The court are not biased. They would have taken behaviour from both sides into account to work out what is best for the children. It's best for the children that they stay in the family home with the parent who has been there for them the most, the one that they are better attached to. It's not in a child's best interests for them to be moved into a new home once a relationship has broken down because it disrupts them more. It's in a child's best interests that the maintenance that an absent parent pays is fair and doesn't leave the absent parent in poverty. Maintenance is used to keep the roof over their head, to feed and clothe them. No reasonable absent parent should resent paying maintenance but I do get that sometimes the maintenance doesn't go to the children, it is used to fund the resident parent's lifestyle. However, it does go to the children indirectly and the absent parent doesn't always see where it's gone, so they assume it's been wasted.

If I lived away from ds, I wouldn't need a 2 bedroomed home. I wouldn't need to buy him shoes, clothes, books, toys. I could buy less food, have lower electricity and gas bills because I wouldn't use the heating or lights as much. I wouldn't need to take time off work to take him to the doctors/dentist/opticians/hospital. The maintenance I receive isn't a scratch on what I spend per year on my son (6% I think) but his father begrudges every penny and it took a court to make him pay (he's not in the UK so I can't use Child Maintenance Services).

If you wish to post in a balanced way - facts not anger - I'll happily read and point you in the right direction of where to go.

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