Families need fathers

[Sw66tP6a]

As the mother of sons, one of whom is a capable, loving and adored Daddy of two (aged 3 and 5), what are your thoughts on mothers who withdraw/limit access to him to "bank" nights to get maximum maintenance and the house?

Why have you named your thread after a campaigning organisation, OP?

It is horrible - and on an individual basis I sympathise massively.

My point is there is no need to show a picture at all. And if you want to somehow garner support for your pov, calling people bitter isn't the way to do it.

In fact, what do you want to get out of this thread op?

It is actually very rare for the courts not to award access to the father. As a PP said, even abusive, violent men get awarded access. And of the many many single parents I know (I appreciate this is anecdotal) not one has denied their ex access. I know loads of women where the man has fucked off though. Has your son actually done anything about his situation, OP, other than asking you to post pictures of him and his kids on the internet? Incidentally, I would definitely lose that picture. These are public boards. Have the children consented to their image being used in this way?

Your picture shows a Disney Dad - one who's only around for the fun things but not the day to day part of being a parent (taking a child to the doctor or staying up through the night to care for them when they are sick).

A goady fucker is someone who posts in a deliberately provocative manner. Like accusing women of being angry when they don't post in sympathy with a set of circumstances that you haven't actually mentioned at that point.

Yes, a picture of a man playing with his children. Well he must be a great father because playing covers all aspects of patenting, right?
If a court has awarded residency to the children's mother then they have done so because the deem that to be in the best interests of the DC, no other reason.
If they have only offered very little contact time, then again, there will be a good reason for that.
If you'd spent any time at all on the LP board then you would know that even men who have beaten their exes get awarded access so long as they deem the DC not to be at risk.
Either your son hasn't applied for access through the appropriate channels or he's not telling you the full story.

Conception requires a man, can't think of anything else.

No child absolutely needs their father, or else there are a lot of doomed children.

The idea that the optimum good for a child is to have two parents, mum and dad, is a myth.

Photo is completely unnecessary. All it shows is some bloke lying on the floor with (identifiable) kids.

CAFCASS are not out to get your son. Perhaps you should consider the only constant in this situation (your son) may be the problem, not the ex wife or all the people who work at CAFCASS.

What arrangement was he hoping for?

oh dear god, you remind me of my xmil.

After I left her son (for very, very, very good reasons, none of which she would ever acknowledge) instead of encouraging him to be the best man and father he could be, she inflated his sense of outrage and indignation and anger.

I only (personally) know of two cases in which 'fathers' have been barred from contact by courts. The 'system' is not stacked against good fathers.

I know of many more 'fathers' who quibble about or refuse to pay maintenance.

So, you're naffed off that your GC are receiving their full entitlement in maintenance? What a nice GP you must be! Your GC are entitled to it because they are entitled to it. Your DC is responsible for paying because its his responsibility. Your ex DIL is entitled to claim on the children's behalf, because she is entitled and expected to. Your DC are entitled to their home and your ex DIL, as their main carer is entitled to live with them. Your ds left the family home? Good job your gc have one real life full time parent then, isn't it?

The biggest problem for my son appears to be obtaining a fair Child Arrangements hearing given that Cafcass seems to be staffed by bitter and biased women such as those who have responded to this post.

So, your ex dil and cafcass have got your son all wrong?

I am not sure what you want from this thread.

Yes, it is a shame if your son wants to see more of his children, and his ex is making this difficult.

I know of 2 real life examples where ex-wives have reduced access in order to increase maintenance, but in both cases, it was only temporary, as the official routes were pursued by the fathers, and they were given better access (and in one case, residence and primary custody of the children).

I know more cases where fathers have been unreliable in both maintenance and contact, but every case needs to be seen individually. That is what the courts do.

In the ideal world, every child would be with their mum and dad, and the relationships would be stable, happy and loving. Thats not reality though.

All he can do, is continue to take the moral high ground, be the best dad he can, and they will remember and know that as they grow up and gain more control of their time and situations.

OP, what has your son tried to do about the arrangement and how has his ex prevented him from seeing his children?

I am not bitter.

I am delighted with the way things have worked out. Truly. I couldn't be happier. So stop saying that everybody who doesn't stroke your paw is bitter.

Your *GC are entitled to their home

When you say your son pays maintenance "in full" is be very interested to know whether this is the derisory amount specified by the CSA or a realistic contribution to the broad range of expenses associated with child rearing

It would be lovely to hear from other parents who, like myself, believe in true equality between the sexes.

I believe in a child centred approach. I believe in the children's best interests being identified, upheld and protected, along with children's thoughts and wishes.

No-one in their right mind would place either parents rights as paramount - they aren't.

It would be lovely to hear from other parents who, like myself, believe in true equality between the sexes.

I believe in a child centred approach. I believe in the children's best interests being identified, upheld and protected, along with children's thoughts and wishes.

No-one in their right mind would place either parents rights as paramount - they aren't.

I have to say that my OH has had a very difficult battle with the legal system in relation to his DD.

She is now 17 and is a gorgeous clever young lady but her life has been made much harder than it needed to be by a system that saw a mother as the primary carer and the father as a financial provider.

My DH has never earnt much money but when I first met him he was paying 2/3 of his salary to his ex, looking after his daughter most of the time and still buying most of the big purchases for her such as school shoes, coats etc. She lived in the 'family home' and he lived in a room in a shared house ( with many unsavoury people and so never went out of the room!).

So my DSD spent over half her time living in that horrible environment so that the rest of the time was in a nice house... Her mother has mental health issues and over the years drug and alcohol issues. When she was/ is with her dad it was as if she didn't exist and she would never contact her even if she was ill etc. DH was always DSD's main carer and even after he moved out was always the one to look after her if she was sick, sort out school things, uniform etc etc..

however, ex has always 'needed' DSD to be her companion when she has no friends or wants her to accompany her on her latest thing (always a fad going on that DSD has to join in with and usually pay for herself!). So DH has never been able to decide/ negotiate when DSD was/ is with him... This has always been dictated by ex... Often changing at very short notice and often used in anger if she felt he was slighting her in any way.

He left the relationship because of her violence verbally and physically, but has never left his daughter, always put her first ( before me which I agree with, this has changed a little since we've had two more kids, she is now one of three and so sometimes isn't first but I think this has been a good thing for her, she loves her siblings with all her heart and they are incredibly close)

About 8 yrs ago things were terrible and she was always threatening to take her away, denying access and generally messing with DSD's little mind and so my DH went to court for a residence order. Long story but it was hideous, abusive and made things 1000 worse at the time..she got a residency order and they wouldn't make a contact order saying that they would only do that if they couldn't agree after another year ( they wouldn't have been in court if they could agree!)

After that we did cut the maintenance payments as we realised the money never went anywhere near DSD and we used the money to buy things directly for her.

My OH was so hurt by the court experience and she made so much of being the resident parent... But on the other hand DSD knows that her daddy did/would do anything for her and that was very important and I think helped her psychologically.

Sorry this had been so long but wanted to show that there are mothers that puposefully cut maintenance and do act spitefully just as there are flakey fathers... All situations are different and unless you are part of it you really don't know.

Thank you strawberryshoes and funkystars123, some sanity at last.
My son btw has nothing to do with this post, he hasn't even seen it yet. He does have some contact but sadly it is not sufficient to be meaningful and is making him the "Disney Dad" that he does not want to be. She has made it clear to us that she needs the nights with the children (the meaningful times) so she can get full maintenance and the house, she even warned him she would do it. She is using her children, my precious grandchildren, my son's precious babies for financial gain openly and brazenly and the system not only allows her to do it but encourages her. The children are in nursery and school yet she makes no attempt to provide for them herself - she just wants a meal ticket. He is trying every legal avenue but the ex is manipulative, duplicitous and plausible. She takes people in - even me. I was horrified when I saw the other side of her. But she's clever enough not to show that to Cafcass. There are good honest mothers out there who put their children first (she is not one of them), but there are also good honest fathers out there too who are being prevented from from providing meaningfully for their children.
Mimitheminx, you are wrong - children do need fathers.

You shouldn't posted on here if what you're after is a bunch of people agreeing with your one-sided view of your son's situation.

My DHs father was a paedophile. Did his children need him?

You are making crass generalisations to support your very specific views.
I'm not saying that your son is not being treated badly, because I know nothing about him. But sweeping statements like 'children need fathers' cannot possibly be right in every situation. And if you are looking for sympathy on here then you would do well to remember that not everybody has had your life and your experiences.

It's great for your son to have your support in RL but you can't expect everyone on here to jump to the assumption that he's 100% in the right and his ex is 100% in the wrong. We are all adults who've lived through varying degrees of this complexity and pain ourselves.

You know from your own experience how tough it is to be a single parent of small children.

Perhaps the ex is arguing for some long term stability of contact, perhaps she's reacting to distressed children, perhaps your son has said horrid stuff that she's reacting to, perhaps she's in a blind panic and saying stupid stuff.