Families need fathers

[Sw66tP6a]

As the mother of sons, one of whom is a capable, loving and adored Daddy of two (aged 3 and 5), what are your thoughts on mothers who withdraw/limit access to him to "bank" nights to get maximum maintenance and the house?

I didn't expect everyone to agree with me but I had hoped for intelligent, considered responses.

Then you need to write an intelligent, considered OP.

I think while some men can do more in terms of their children, some women can be very spiteful and controlling. They split up and automatically take the kids away. A good father can increase a child's happiness so much. My son loves his dad so much so I can never understand why some women are quite happy for the child to only have one parent when their father is a good dad and so there are no good reason for stopping contact.

I think you're the poster the OP has been looking for, MissHJ.

Why has your son not been granted overnight access by the courts?

We can't give an intelligent, considered response to such a one sided, narrow minded post. If your son has not been granted much contact then there will be a reason for that. I don't know of any mother who would not want the support and help of a father. Bringing up kids on your own with no break, let up or back up is blooming hard work.

op you haven't specified how much your dils "meal ticket" is worth but I'd be amazed if it came anywhere near the cost to her of raising her DC.

As a PP said if your GCs are so precious to you then you need to drop the venomous attitude to their mother and start supporting both parents.

BTW - where does your DH live?

And by that I mean what type of accommodation not location

If you come across in RL as you do on here OP, there's every possibility that you are the reason the dc's mother wants to limit contact. Just a thought.

Your GC's lives have been turned upside down. And your son has left, leaving his children with someone you describe as a source of 'violent abuse'. Struggling to understand why he left them behind if that is true?

FWIW, maintenance as decreed by CMS is woefully inadequate for most people. I get exactly 15% of ex's salary for DS. It doesn't come close to touching the real cost.

If there is evidence of abuse surely the courts are duty bound to award residency to the non-abusive parent.

Has your son involved social services?

There is rarely evidence of abuse. I wouldn't have been brave enough to call the police! I had to put up with it right up until the second I left. Then my xmil sneered at me 'if he hit you, then why didn't you call the police?' as though that in itself proved the abuse never happened.

Exactly pastperfect

Some meal ticket. I had/have/will have two children to raise and continue to raise and the maintenance (now that he finally finally pays it) is one tenth of our household incomings. I am my x's meal ticket because I'm paying twice as much as he is to raise our children.

You can't make someone a Disney Dad. It is a matter of attitude.

Are you in the UK, OP? I live abroad, but from being a keen follower of MN for the last year, I understand that it is quite normal for the courts to award 50/50 contact when the circumstances allow.

Have you ds and his ex been through the courts? Why did the courts not award him the right to overnight visits?

You are making a sweeping generalisation from your son's particular situation, but you actually haven't given much in the way of details.

I have no real experience of this as I am with my DP and my parents are together etc.

But at work- the men with access issues are all horrid.
They're nice on the surface but try and confront them with issues and you get a load of misogynist wank shouted back at you.

I can totally understand restricting access in these cases.

Exactly mrscumberbatch. So often good man and good father and good husband are all so linked. I know I made a mistake having children with a man who is not a good man and not a good father (although there are worse) but the thing is, he didn't suddenly become a good man after we split up!

Posts like from MrsHJ are very naive. She looks at her own husband who is a a good father and thinks that that is what some mothers deny their children.

Men are disadvantaged when it come to being the resident parent. Main custody will always go to the mother unless she voluntarily gives it up, or can be taken to court and proved abusive or neglectful.

Dh tried to get main residency- he had been the main carer. legal advice was not to fight her for residency as he would never win.

Financially they couldn't split 50:50. One of them had to move out, and there was no money for a second property. Dh moved in with his parents and slept on the couch.

Op - your opening post is just horrible and your updates are no better. There are always 2 sides and it is not helpful when family becomes involved to the extent that you clearly have. The most useful reminder I received from My Separated Parenting course (3 years after separation) was to put yourself in the other party's shoes. I think it would be useful for you to objectively (as possible) think about why your ex DIL might behave the way she does. And then understand those wishes and needs. Your son has at least another 15 years of interaction with your GC's mother - that's a long time to be fighting.

For what its worth as a practical suggestion, I had written into my financial settlement (and I ended up having to go to court as my ex tried to financially screw me) that changes to overnights would make no difference to the maintenance. This was to avoid this very situation of an extra night affecting the money I needed to pay my bills.

If what you say is true, his struggle is not dissimilar to that of women with abusive partners who have to fight very hard to limit contact of their children to the abusive parent or do damage control when contact is allowed.
The struggle of many women who find it hard to prove abuse within the marriage.
He has to fight it, get proper support, and generally be the best dad that he can for the children.
I very much doubt that should he pursue it legally, that he wouldn't be awarded enough time with the children. Abusive fathers are, so why not your son?

In fact, just to make the point, children don't need biological parents. They need people who love them and who are there for them.

BTW, if you think these have been angry, or not considered responses, you have seen nothing yet. :)
You asked a generic question about whether children need fathers and you got a generic answer.

Micah, why did you want residency as opposed to 50/50? Tbh if there was some reason that he felt his children we unsafe I personally think he still should have fought and his legal advice was shit telling him not to.

Honestlie- they weren't unsafe. The marriage broke down because she had an affair and wanted to be with om. Neither of them wanted to be the nrp, so residency automatically went to her as the mother. There were no grounds to fight for residency as she isn't neglectful or abusive in any way.

I explained why he wanted residency vs 50:50. One parent had to live with them in the family home. The other had to move back in with their parents as there was no way to fund even a separate 1 bed flat. Boy/girl, one with SN. They need a minimum space. Even overnights at dh mum's were a struggle- one on a camp bed in his parents room, dh and his son in the other.

Op you attitude towards you dil is as bad as your attitude to all women, evidently. The best advise would be stick your nose out and let your son deal with it.

Has your son tried assuring his ex that the maintenance level will remain unchanged if his contact is increased? Maybe she's fearful that he will be quick to take advantage of the reduction?
The reduction isn't mandatory you know, men can choose not to use contact to save ££ on maintenance...