Issues with In-Laws & Newborn?

[emi1y]

Hi all

I recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl but unfortunately have had some issues with the dreaded in-laws.

We've not been on speaking terms for a couple of months due to MIL's refusal to not smoke near me whilst I was pregnant but we put all that aside so that we could be a family and she sort of apologised - she's a very selfish woman who has been very hurtful towards me in the past.

Anyway a few days ago when my lg was 2 days old my MIL and FIL came to visit for the first time. She wanted to hold her almost straight away which I accepted and just had to grin and bear it really. A few minutes later she asked my FIL (a very shy and timid old man) whether he wanted a hold to which he nervously agreed. I have nothing against him but he's always been a bit strange and awkward.

So my MIL placed my lg on FIL's chest but like a complete idiot he didn't support her head and so it flopped forward and hit his chest with a thud. I'm absolutely fuming about this and will definitely not be letting him hold her again but my OH thinks that it was nothing and that I'm overreacting.

My baby didn't wake up or even stir so it obviously didn't bother her but I'm so angry and upset over it.

I suffer with anxiety and seem to be 'overprotective' but I don't know what to think. Am I being unreasonable?

Get a sling and keep her with you when you see them.

YABU I'm afraid.

If your dd didn't even stir, it probably wasn't as bad as it looked.

How would you feel if a close friend, or your mum, or your dh forgot to support her head? Would you feel differently about the incident?

Yabu but I'd be the same. I second getting a sling.

You know, he just might not know what to do with small babies. Did he do much with his own children as newborns? Many men didn't. He's shy, and is probably mortified. Let him learn from this and show him what to do next time - if no one shows him, he's not going to learn. There's no harm done to your baby, so let it go and make it better next time.

I think YABU. It happens sometimes and if it hurt her she would have woken up. Next time just mention to hold her head and before you know it she'll be doing it herself.

YABU I'm afraid. They just want to cuddle their grandchild.

I'm sorry to say I think yabu - from what you've said I think FIL probably just doesn't know what to do with a baby. Next time I would pass FIL the baby first so that I could pass her carefully and make sure he's holding her head before I let go. Then MIL can have second cuddles.

yabu . Is it your first ?

Oh and at 2days old noone could blame you for being a bit unreasonable or unfair. It is incredibly hard to let others hold your baby when they are that young and worse if you don't feel its gone well or that DD might have been hurt (your DD will have been fine though, she would have cried or at least woken up if it had hurt her)

Yabu, it's natural to want to hold their grandchild and it can't have done any harm if she didn't even make a sound

YANBU

He has had his own kids, he should know to support the head. I'd be raging.

YANBU. It's totally natural and normal to feel hugely protective over your newborn! Those feelings are real and powerful, they are nature's way of keeping newborns safe, and there's research that shows even short separations are stressful and can make the baby blues worse. No one should be pressurising you into handing her over - you've just given birth, why should their selfish wants be given priority over your needs?

I agree with the posters who suggested a sling. Also lots of on demand breastfeeding. Call one of the breastfeeding helplines and they'll tell you the same, then you can tell your OH that you've been advised not to let go of the baby under any circumstances

Anyway if you spend the next few weeks holding her as much as you want, you'll feel more confident about other people holding her too. Not so if it's against your will.

I just knew people would say YABU and PFB, but it would upset me too.

In future I would be the one in charge of transferring the baby to people. At least then you can dictate the way the baby is held and keep her head supported in a subtle way.

It doesn't matter if your FIL wasn't used to holding newborns - supporting her head is just common sense and in my experience people who are unsure about how to hold a small baby are usually overly cautious, not careless!
I would be giving VERY specific instructions to him the next time and if he does something like it again he wouldn't be holding my dd again until she was much older.
The smoking thing is inexcusable. No-one would be smoking anywhere near me or my children at all.

Is there some reason you just had to "grin and bear it" while your MIL held her granddaughter for the first time?

Yes, FIL should have supported her head...but "raging" about it? She was fine.

I think your anxiety coupled with the usual frets of new motherhood is affecting your judgement, making you sound precious and petty. Chill out - your daughter has a family who loves her.

It was an accident. Learn from it and be more hands on with supervision next time. But fuming? I think you need some perspective tbh. No harm was done.

I am sure I have let my own babies' heads thud against my chest many times in moments of inattention! Seriously, this incident in itself is completely irrelevant so try to put it out of your mind.

I empathise. I struggled with letting my inlaws get close to my baby too. MIL was overbearing and picked out everything I did as being wrong. The best thing I did was keep them at a distance until my protective feelings calmed down slightly. I hated MIL holding her purely because she kissed her too much and I felt she was trying to take my place. Now DD is 5 months old and hormones have settled etc. I can be assertive with her now and chuckle at her overbearing ridiculous behaviour. She likes me less because I'm less accommodating of her but that suits me :)

I think your previous issues are clouding your views here. Letting your MIL hold a two day old - fine. Your FIL being a bit hapless - fine, as no harm was done. These instances really aren't much in their own. But you clearly have more issues.

She doesn't have 'issues' at all. She's a new mother protecting her child and it's completely normal. Eventually, hormones will settle and it will become easier to allow PILs to hold her.

I don't think this is about the head wobbling. DH dropped my pfb (about 2 inches) in front of me and the mw ... no harm done. (Nb. I have anxiety).
...because to me it wasn't an indication that he was careless and would smoke etc all over the baby.

The event has brought your instincts to the fore. Rather than being the problem itself.

...Btw he dropped her onto a soft bed! Buffoon.