Inappropriate behavior??

[wildnothings]

Hello

my daughter who is 7 has come home tonight from her uncles home where he has been watching her while me and my wife have been working today(childminder was ill) i noticed she was in her pj's so asked why, she said uncle gave her and her cousin a bath ,

I was immediately furious as this has happened at least 3 other times when my daughter has been on play dates at there house and always when the aunt is not there , but my wife has always said im thinking creepy things cause im weird!!

i told my daughter that only mummy and daddy should bath her so the next time she was round there house she must of told him what i said as he rang my wife for permission to bath them. she rang me i said no but in a nice way but still dropped the hint.

So back to tonight, i was so angered that he had bathed them again i took to Facebook against my wife's wishes at sent the below chain of messages (names removed) now my wife's going ape at me like im the one in the wrong and i have ruined xmas , but surely this is unacceptable behavior ? or am i a complete idiot , im still really annoyed and my gut tells me its not right but my wife thinks its fine

Today
me
21:21

, Just so i am making this clear , Do not bath my daughter again . this may be perfectly innocent but im uncomfortable with this , especially as you did not ask my permission..

***
21:31
him
how could u even think like that, I'm practically family and you've know me long enough now,

21:40
me
you obviously didn't get the hint the last time i told you not to bath her , so this time im making myself crystal clear!!!! maybe you need to take a step back because bathing other peoples kids every time they come to your house for a few hours is not normal , no matter what the circumstances and if there ever was a time you certainly would seek permission, now the first couple of times this has happened i thought was weird so i dropped a big hint that this was not to happen again, and you did it again , now your ever really stupid a bit naive or a wrong un , now im going to go with the first 2! but its your fault that it has come to this as you have put yourself in this position ,. now im prepared to leave it at that and for you to dwell on this and see my point of veiw

21:49
him
Obviously didn't get the hint last time maybe if you would have come straight to the point, understand how u feel but fucksake*** you really really upset me how you could even think like that

21:53
me
don't you fucksake me your lucky im taking this lightly you dick you should be apologizing for bathing my daughter , you want me to apologize to you ????

But IS he bathing them? Or are they playing together and he's out of the picture?

If they are 7 they are perfectly capable of getting in the bath, out, dry and clothes on without needing any involvement from him.

I totally agree with OP!! Would make my blood boil.

If a family member spoke to me in that manner, I would not offer to have their child again. There's getting your point across, but there's also speaking to people in a disrespectful way and you're an adult, no wonder your daughters uncle felt hurt, he probably feels like he was helping you out and you've just been unappreciative. Please don't assume every male is a paedophile, this must be how this man feels. If my husband did this, I'd be very upset and appalled by his behaviour.

Regarding the facebook, my phone was dead and it was a private message modem day letter if you will.

I have since calmed the situation by insisting to him that I don't think he is a peado but I do think it's a wrong what he has been doing . No matter how you put it if someone asks you not to bath your kids your going to feel hurt maybe I did overreact but I am a sad who worries about these things.

When I questioned my daughter she tried to keep it a secreet as my wife told her too. This infureated me further.

And yes I have done the good touch bad touch and I'm sure she would tell me ... well I hope so as seeing my reaction may jeopardise This

Anybody with knowledge of child abuse will tell you how things like this can be portrayed. I made errors in the build up to this. I let my wife tell me this was OK and I'm overeacting I moved my gut feeling to the back of my mind and let this carry on so as not to upset the family. I would never send my child out knowingly to a abusers house. I have worked in social Care with children and have heard some shocking accounts of abuse and nearly all were family members abusing.

Now just to point out again i still don't think her uncle is a abuser. I did overreact I know.

But it was coming to a head and I blew up or had to stop . Looking at my past work I know that situations of this kind of contact can be like a cake to a hungry person on a diet , no intentions of doing anything but putting temptation there as a child goes older can less to abuse. I'm not saying that my daughter was on the verge of abuse , and I handled it badley .

I'm not controlling in the slightest but I am aware of certain dangers that people who wouldn't dream of doing any harm sometimes do . And as a parent I made a error in putting my wife's feelings before my child's safety which led to me imploding

OP you've been given an unfairly hard time here. Okay so dealing with it on FB may not be ideal, but let's not lose sight of the fact that (a) you're concerned about these regular daytime baths (which is odd tbh) and (b) you've asked him not to do this.

You are perfectly within your rights to feel protective over your DD. I feel the same way about my DD - sadly this is the age we now live in. It's very very normal and you're not a d**k.

Can you speak to him face to face? With your wife present to discuss everything to see of that puts some ground rules in place, and your mind at rest?

And if you're still unhappy, can you simply stop letting DD spend so much time here? Or any time at all?

The ONLY thing that really matters here is making sure your DD safe.

I think you've made something innocent into something sinister. However, he should have not let the children play in the bath together as you had clearly told him not to.

Now your wife has told her to keep it a secret and you've brought the whole child abuse issue to the forefront for your daughter.

Personally I'd be trying to move on very quickly. I think you have all handled it very badly.

I was on the fence. But your 21:53 FB post was bang out of order and effectively destroyed any chance of rebuilding a relationship with this friend. You could have replied "I realise that you must feel upset, hopefully we are both clear now about no longer bathing DD and we can move on from here". But no, you went nuclear.

I would have been uncomfortable with this as it has happened a few times and wasn't a one off with her getting really messy. but it should have been handled differently. sounds like you are accusing him of doing something which if totally innocent, can ruin lives.

You have worked in social care with children!?

God help us all. No wonder it's in such a state.

Seeing 7 year olds in the bath with their cousins does not make a 'normal' man think about abusing them. Your posts are worrying.

Agree ....extremely worrying.

To be fair, I can imagine that working in social care with children and abusers could give you a very jaded view as to what is normal. Not that I think this is normal.

Op, are you ok? Has something happened to you? You sound very upset. I'm just wondering if someone went to far with you at some point. You sound desperate.

If not, just consider me concerned. Hard to tell on a PC. Hope this sorts out for s pleasant Xmas.

I would find it weird OP if my child was only there for a couple of hours. Fair enough if she was staying a couple of nights or of there was an occasion where she got very muddy but the way you describe it is sounds like she is being bathed for the sake of it. For posters saying YABU I think that's wrong because she's your daughter and you feel uncomfortable and that's what matters. I think it's great that you are looking out for her best interests.

So your happy to use him as free childcare when you need him, but you do not trust him to bath your dd?

You really shouldn't leave your child with anyone you do not trust 100%

As I said before I would probably react the same way. I wouldn't send my child there.
I think I would be more pissed off with wife for telling your daughter to keep it a secret.

Is the uncle in the room as the children bathe. A 7 year old doesn't need an adult in the room except to supervise that they don't slip getting in/out and hair washing

I personally wouldn't leave my child with someone who was too willing to bathe a child at every visit.

I agree with the op. I would definitely find it weird. Just not sure its appropriate for a man to regularly bath a young girl, especially if his wife isn't there, and at random times like 4 in the afternoon when surely there is no real need. I think I would ask my daughter whether he stays in the bathroom while they are in the tub or if he just runs the bath & then leaves the 2 kids to it. I dont reckon my dh would feel entirely comfortable bathing someone else's daughter.

I work in Child Protection and I find his behaviour (asking to stay later and later, bathing etc) concerning.

I think if OP came here asking advice re that behaviour minus his reaction the responses would be very different. Go with your gut OP and do not allow this man unsupervised contact with your child.
It's true certain professions give you 'the fear' but go with your instincts.

That said, your reaction was not reasonable and potentially damaging however I think you've now realised this.

Yes I agree the way you discussed it with him was wrong, however need to follow your gut instinct as 90% of the time it's right. Do you feel ok leaving the kids with him alone? Or is it solely the bathing? How is your DDs behaviour and her cousins behaviour post visit?

I'm with you op. Weird if only there for a few hours to bathe her. And no way should your wife have told your dd to keep it secret from you that's stupid.

I prob wouldn't let dd go there at all, but having had abuse in the family I may be coming from an overprotective position.

The only reason you're getting shitty responses is because you had the conversation on Facebook.

I think you could have dealt with the situation in a better way but I understand how you feel in this situation and would feel the same way. He acted in a completely inappropriate way and I am shocked that your wife is not supporting you. Most abuse happens within the family.

OP, I find this behaviour very concerning: rings all the alarm bells of classic grooming behaviour to me; in particular the open outrage of how dare you question/doubt me, and the frequent asking for her to come over and stay later.

I would not allow my children to have contact with this man.