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Original poster

Inappropriate behavior??

81 replies

wildnothings · 18/12/2014 00:56

Hello

my daughter who is 7 has come home tonight from her uncles home where he has been watching her while me and my wife have been working today(childminder was ill) i noticed she was in her pj's so asked why, she said uncle gave her and her cousin a bath ,

I was immediately furious as this has happened at least 3 other times when my daughter has been on play dates at there house and always when the aunt is not there , but my wife has always said im thinking creepy things cause im weird!!

i told my daughter that only mummy and daddy should bath her so the next time she was round there house she must of told him what i said as he rang my wife for permission to bath them. she rang me i said no but in a nice way but still dropped the hint.

So back to tonight, i was so angered that he had bathed them again i took to Facebook against my wife's wishes at sent the below chain of messages (names removed) now my wife's going ape at me like im the one in the wrong and i have ruined xmas , but surely this is unacceptable behavior ? or am i a complete idiot , im still really annoyed and my gut tells me its not right but my wife thinks its fine

Today
me
21:21

, Just so i am making this clear , Do not bath my daughter again . this may be perfectly innocent but im uncomfortable with this , especially as you did not ask my permission..

***
21:31
him
how could u even think like that, I'm practically family and you've know me long enough now,

21:40
me
you obviously didn't get the hint the last time i told you not to bath her , so this time im making myself crystal clear!!!! maybe you need to take a step back because bathing other peoples kids every time they come to your house for a few hours is not normal , no matter what the circumstances and if there ever was a time you certainly would seek permission, now the first couple of times this has happened i thought was weird so i dropped a big hint that this was not to happen again, and you did it again , now your ever really stupid a bit naive or a wrong un , now im going to go with the first 2! but its your fault that it has come to this as you have put yourself in this position ,. now im prepared to leave it at that and for you to dwell on this and see my point of veiw

21:49
him
Obviously didn't get the hint last time maybe if you would have come straight to the point, understand how u feel but fucksake*** you really really upset me how you could even think like that

21:53
me
don't you fucksake me your lucky im taking this lightly you dick you should be apologizing for bathing my daughter , you want me to apologize to you ????

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Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 18/12/2014 09:06

You shouldn't have done that on FB. Bad idea. Your DW is right.

However, if you have concerns about this man and your DD, then should you even be letting her go there with him on his own? I understand your concern about her being bathed there, but if you're that concerned, you wouldn't/shouldn't be leaving her alone with him AT ALL, if you think he's some kind of pervert.

Either way, you shouldn't have done this in public on FB, you should have had a quiet word with him by yourself, face to face.

chariotsofire · 18/12/2014 09:09

I don't agree with the way you handled it but I wouldn't bath anyone else's child or want anyone to bath mine without checking first.

Even if it is innocent I want my daughter to have very firm boundaries about who baths her/ undresses her and when.

Pagwatch · 18/12/2014 09:11

I think you need to figure out exactly what your issue is.

Why can he not give your daughter a bath. Is it
a) because you want to control where she has a bath
Or B) because it is 'inappropriate' which surely means you are worried that he is using bath time as a cover for some sexually motivated activity.

If it is a) then you are being a dick
If it is b) then you should never be leaving your daughter there at all because sexual abuse can happen fully clothed and in many neutral situations.

So either way you have not handled this well at all.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
QueenofallIsee · 18/12/2014 09:19

Writing that on Facebook was is completely unforgivable - I don't see that your family will ever recover from it to be honest. If you genuinely thought that your BIL was sexually interested in your child, you wouldn't send her there - THAT is how a parent behaves. Seems to me that this is just disgraceful male posturing and to do it publically shudders...how awful of you, simply awful. I hope you are completely ashamed of yourself.

Nordicmist · 18/12/2014 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jelliebelly · 18/12/2014 09:25

If you suspect abuse then don't let her go over there again and report to the police.

If you don't then I can't see the problem.

You have pretty much accused him of child abuse on a public social media platform - yes you have ruined Christmas and yes if I was your wife I would be livid..

AnaisB · 18/12/2014 09:27

If you have those concerns you need to stop your daughter from being there unchaperoned.

suspiciousandsad · 18/12/2014 09:52

He might've keen to have your DD to play to keep his DD occupies so it's easier for him. They probably enjoy a bath together and see it as a form of play. They would only need minimal supervision so he might be leaving them to their own devices.

My DS and his mate have always loved a bath together. As they got older they wore pants, now they fill it with ice. I usually only realise when water drips through the ceiling.

It probably isn't sinister. It might be, but it probably is just them having fun while he reads the paper.

Oakmaiden · 18/12/2014 10:22

My son used to love hopping in the bath with his best friend.

However, I guess that would have been OK for you, because his frien's mother was there?

You are wrong. You owe your wife and brother in law a massive apology.

But I doubt that will ever put this right.

magpieginglebells · 18/12/2014 10:29

If you think this man's a paedophile then YABU for letting your daughter visit. If not, then it seems you have massively overreacted.

Putting this all over Facebook is dreadful. If you have a problem then deal with it like an adult.

RedSpringer · 18/12/2014 10:37

I assume that was private messages on Fb, not on his wall?
If you honestly have doubts or gut instincts that the bloke is odd then you shouldn't send your child there at all, do you think bad stuff only happens at bathtime?!

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 18/12/2014 13:02

Presumably the Facebook messages were private? So I really don't get why people are getting sniffy about that. Surely just like email?

I am with the OP. He asked this man not to bathe his daughter. And yet he did. I would be furious.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 18/12/2014 13:02

But yes OP, you clearly do not like or trust this man. He shouldn't be looking after your child then.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 18/12/2014 13:05

Very weird thread.

If you mistrust this man why do you let your daughter go there?

Redglitter · 18/12/2014 13:09

If you think he's a potential child abuser why allow him to look after your daughter?

If you don't then I can't see why its such a big issue her having a bath with her cousin. you can't have it all ways

There's most definitely been some very inappropriate behaviour but not by your bil

Jenny1231990 · 18/12/2014 13:12

Personally I wouldn't have written anything on Facebook.
But
I do see where you're coming from, if someone kept bathing my son/ daughter without my permission and at any given opportunity I'd be very annoyed too.
What I don't understand is why your wife called you? You said no. So did she say no to him? And he carried on anyway? If this is the case I would be livid.
If you do suspect something of this man then you need to keep your child away.

rookietherednosedreindeer · 18/12/2014 13:24

I have to say I would find it odd if an adult looking after my 7yr old DC would voluntarily choose to bath them during the day. I'd find it even odder if the adult did this knowing that one of the parents had an issue with it.

The way you dealt with it was not good at all - what exactly did you hope to achieve by sending a FB message, but I can understand why you reacted the way you did.

Going forward I would not allow your DD to be alone in this man's company and I would ask your DW agree to this as well.

How is your DD behaving - is she giving any cause for concern? if she is not I'd make sure that you down play this in public, by all means in private don't let her go round when it's just him there, but don't make a big thing out of it.

VitalStollenFix · 18/12/2014 13:31

If you have concerns about him, then don't allow your daughter to visit.

Someone doesn't need to bath a child to abuse them so if that is actually what you are thinking - you aren't keeping her safe from that by saying have her over but don't bath her.

However, I suspect the problem is now resolved because I bet it will be a cold day in hell before he has your daughter over again.

wigglybeezer · 18/12/2014 13:38

He has probably been giving in to pester power from the children, if they enjoyed having a bath together the first time they probably asked the following times and he probably agreed for an easy life. You should have been very clear rather than hinting.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/12/2014 13:46

I think the OP is having a bit of a hard time here. It is a bit....odd to bath someone else's nearly eight year old in the middle of the day. It is more than odd to do it when you have been asked not to.

Abusers often do what they do in plain sight. We should trust our instincts on these things. Presumably the OP wouldn't dream of bathing his niece and is very uncomfortable with his BiL having different boundaries. BiL sounds like an idiot to me.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 18/12/2014 13:50

He's a hold sex abuser - don't let him have contact with your child
OR
He isn't - you are overreacting

Which is it?

trulybadlydeeply · 18/12/2014 13:54

So she'd taken pyjamas with her? (You say "I noticed she was in her pj's")

Therefore she'd not borrowed her cousin's but was in her own? In which case the expectation seems to be that you would pick her up around her bedtime. If I was looking after my nephew and he would be picked up late, and had been sent with pyjamas, I would shove him in the bath with my youngest two, and certainly not think to "ask permission".

I think "taking to facebook" is appalling, and seems like teenage behaviour. The language you used was also appalling to a family member (whatever your suspicions). Sounds like something off Jeremy Kyle.

If you genuinely have suspicions about the man (and you may have good reason too, I don't know), why on earth is he looking after your child at all??

TooMuchCantBreathe · 18/12/2014 13:55

Fwiw, sticking the kids in the bath was always a good way to keep them entertained, confined and tidy for an hour when I was a kid. It was fairly common when being babysat. It's not something I'd do these days though which is a sad indictment of the world imo.

waterrat · 18/12/2014 14:10

Op I am with you and think you have had really poor responses here

Firstly I presume your Facebook messages were private so people are wrong to criticise you for that

Secondly it is really weird to constantly bath a child who comes to visit - and more importantly you are her parent and had made your views clear

The only thing I would say is that if you don't trust him you should not leave her with him at all

wickedlazy · 18/12/2014 14:26

I agree with op in that this would make me uncomfortable. I love my sisters bf, but if they had kids one day, and he asked for ds to come round to play for a bit, and I realised he was repeatedly bathing my ds, in the middle of the day, while my sister was out, I would think it was quite weird. If my dp asked him to stop doing it (and I would maybe be feeling a bit relieved at this point that I can blame dp, "he says no" without making myself seem like I was being accusing/hurting my relationship with my sister) and he did it again... I would then be forced to have a very frank conversation with sister about why ds wouldn't be going back any time soon. I assume from his "I'm nearly part of the family" he is the nieces uncle by marriage, married to or partner of blood aunt.

You shouldn't have confronted him on fb, but I can understand why this has set alarm bells ringing in your head. You asked him not to bathe your dd as you think it isn't appropriate, and he still did it. I wouldn't send dd back for a bit. Even if the sister was in the house. (I think on one occasion at least she was in. If she knows it makes you uneasy, why couldn't she come up and supervise/let him have a cuppa).

Have you or your other half talked to your daughter about "right touch" and "wrong touch" and swimsuit areas etc. If she is 7, he should surely just be running a bath for her, and maybe hanging around outside/talking to her through the door. He shouldn't need to wash her? At 7 if my uncle that is married to my aunt had "washed" me, it would have made me feel... Well, a bit violated. Same with my blood uncle actually! Remember my own gran not even washing me at that age, sister had the tub first (at 3) and gran gave her a quick scrub then a few minutes to play, then gran left to dry and change sis and I got the tub second, and wallowed until the water went cold (while she played with my sis in next room, occassional "are you still alive in there?")

You should have a talk with your daughter about boundries, the importance of speaking out if someones touch makes her feel bad.