Wife won't let me look after our daughter on my own away from her

[g33k]

Our DD is only just 12 months old, and I'd like to take her into town (about 20 miles away) when I meet an old friend. I'd drive with her to the park and ride, take her in on the bus in a stroller or sling, and then meet the friend in a café.

My wife is point blank refusing to allow it on the grounds that I "can't be trusted with her;" that I'll do something stupid or inadvertently do something not in her best interests. And were that to happen, she'd be too far away to sort out the mess I'd made.

Throughout our daughter's life my wife has been very protective of her. I've previously offered to take her to see each of my parents (each an hour and a half away) and she's vetoed that.

And yes, I've looked after her on my own at least a few times (e.g. when my wife has worked late or had an evening out, and a day and a half this week at home when our daughter was off nursery ill). In each of these cases my wife hasn't been (logistically) very far away.

I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't see the risks that she does, and know that I can take care of our daughter well enough. I can't force the issue by "just taking her regardless" as that would only lead to animosity. I'm left in a situation where my wife is excluding me from making decisions and exerting full control over our daughter, for whom we both have shared responsibility. And as far as I can see there's nothing I can do to change that.

I would say "AIBU?" but I'd rather have some constructive advice on how to improve the situation.

Your wife is behaving very badly. PND or not. Put your foot down and take your daughter to meet your friends

If meeting friends in a cafe, or travelling with a 12mo on a bus are considered 'risky activities,' then God help civilisation.

But the only real clue we have as to the OP's competency, is that he says his wife says he "can't be trusted with her," he'll "do something stupid,"
"inadvertently do something not in her best interests," and were that to happen, "she'd be too far away to sort out the mess he'd made." Even allowing for preciousness (is that a word?) and anxiety on her part, doesn't that indicate there may have been some issues in the past?

Men and women ARE different. Biologically, and in the social construction of our roles.

And how does biology and the social construct of our roles contribute to the apparent inability to allow the other parent to take the child into town for a coffee with a friend?

People are all very different and some are better suited to looking after young children than others - the division down gender lines is a social construct.

Of course we have NO idea how good or not the OP (or his wife) are at looking after a one year old. But the dynamics described in the OP are just very odd and rather dysfunctional sounding, whatever the exact reasons for that might be.

And if the OP does not come back, we'll never have more info. Ah well.

Hakluyt
We don't allow people to take her out of room at large family gatherings because they have shown repeatedly that they don't respect the way we parent and ridiculed it. They've also stated if they got her on their own they'd do it their way so its easy don't respect the patents don't get free access to child. I will not have a situation where our child is crying so they walk further and further away so we can't hear rather than bring them back because "she's our blood relative and we'll do as we please"

OP, YANBU.

Your wife is happy for you to look after DD at home for seven hours at home, so I don't think it's nappy change anxiety or whatever others have come up with.

Dd is at nursery so all talk of motherly hormones are surely moot as she is used to being looked after by someone other than mum.

Sorry, by motherly hormones I wasn't ruling out PND, I meant the posts implying chromosomes made mothers the superior carer.

You are an equal parent! The problem is that it has become entrenched because you have let her be senior parent. You needed to nappy change, bath etc from day one. It will ease off as she gets older- the child is likely to want to shake off such control.
It depends whether you are willing to wait or you want to fight it now. Personally I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't trust me with our child. Image what it would be like the other way around and the man didn't trust his wife!
Start with shorter trips on your own that don't involve a friend.

Some of the posts on this thread explain exactly why there end up being threads from exhausted, bitter mothers ten years down the line saying their DH never does anything for the DC.

Guess what? If you spend the first two years telling your DH that you are just a better parent than them and that they are hormonally incapable of looking after a child on their own... well, don't be surprised if ten years later they have devolved every single aspect of parenting onto you and just get along with doing the odd football class on a Saturday afternoon.

Apologies for sidetracking slightly, but I never understand why some parents (and predominantly mothers, lets be honest) think that their OH is somehow incapable of learning to be a parent in the same way that the mother had to learn to be a parent. Giving birth doesn't make a big fat switch flick on telling you everything you need to know.

"Start with shorter trips on your own that don't involve a friend."

Why?

Totally agree with Thurlow and yes, there are plenty of 'mummy martyrs' who think they are totally superior parents to their partners - for any new parent reading this, start as you mean to go on - share the responsibility of being a parent.

Giving birth doesn't make a big fat switch flick on telling you everything you need to know.

I absolutely agree, but giving birth very often does make a big fat switch flick on making you feel, in a very visceral, totally non-rational way, that you are more 'tuned-in' to your child's safety/comfort/every need than anyone else ever could be. That frequently includes the dad, I'm afraid.

I think if her dd is being cared for in the confines of the home, or a nursery, it will make it easier for the op's dw to relax her vigilance a little, (but I bet she's still slightly edgy). However, it goes into overdrive at the prospect of her dd facing all the dangers of the outside world, with only a 'stand-in' for protection.

I was terribly prone to this, when our dc were small, and it took a huge effort of will for me to not to make this feeling apparent, and I don't suppose I was always successful, if I'm being honest. I think started to relax a bit more as my dc became more competent at watching out for themselves!

I'm not disagreeing with the hormonal rush you can get after birth. I just think there is a fine line there between embracing that hormonal "I'm the best person at looking after this baby" and letting it continue to a stage where you won't let anyone, including the other parent, look after the child. It can quickly become detrimental to everyone.

I don't mean that in a "I'm great, I never did that" way. I did do it. Its is hard, when you're the one at home with the baby all day, to step away and not start pointing out that they prefer to be held in X position, or quite like lying on that particular spot on the floor so they can see the door etc.

But a child has two parents, and two people who can look after them.

Possibly MrsMcRuff but this baby is a year old, not a few weeks/months old. It's long past the time when the switch was flicked and the DW still shouldn't be so frightened.

You know, for ages people used to say that women were not capable of being as responsible as men, or able to do demanding jobs because they were slaves to their internal organs and hormones. We've finally managed to almost shake this off, and now here are women practically making a virtue out of it. It's sooooooo depressing!

I'm a SAHM to 12 month old DD and DH works fairly long hours so consequently I do the vast majority of the child care. However when DH is at home he shares the parenting 50:50 (at least, I admit I sometimes take a back seat at weekends!). During the week I obviously take DD everywhere with me, therefore this involves trips to town, to supermarkets, to cafés and even, shock horror, to a pub every now and then. If my DH wanted to take DD to town to meet his friends my only concerns would be these: 1) He would have to ensure DD had meals/naps on schedule (he knows what her schedule is as he is involved in her care) and 2) we only get to spend 2 days a week as a family so would be put out to be excluded from an activity for a whole day! I would have absolutely no concerns about his ability to care for her and to keep her safe. And what's so difficult about taking a 12 month old to a cafe anyway?!

I would be interested to hear your response to how 'hands on' you usually are. It does sound as though something else is going on here, either an element of PND/PNA or something else. Does your wife know these friends? Like them?

I agree, logically she shouldn't, but by the sound of it she can't help herself.

It's a feeling that, with some, only lessens gradually, as they discover that their dc can actually survive very well without them! The trouble is in this case, she isn't actually allowing herself any room for that discovery or for her dh to 'prove' himself, outside the limits of home and nursery, because of her anxiety. It's a bit of a vicious circle. (I know her dh shouldn't have to prove himself, but that is the reality of their situation at present.)

I do think her panic at the thought of dh taking dd out and about might lessen as dd gets older and more able to express an opinion and make her wants/needs/dissatisfaction known verbally.

I absolutely agree, but giving birth very often does make a big fat switch flick on making you feel, in a very visceral, totally non-rational way, that you are more 'tuned-in' to your child's safety/comfort/every need than anyone else ever could be. That frequently includes the dad, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid it turns on a great big SOCIAL switch where people expect mum to 'know best' (pressure and judgement in equal measure). Many women find this detrimental to their mental health ... and the fact the triggers and causes of PND can be seen as a virtue is appalling.
Even in ultra PC naice wooden-toys-and-slings circles (often peopled by otherwise logical people) can be utterly judgemental about it: suggesting if the mum wants any time away from baby she is 'unnatural' and also this idea dads are hilariously inept regardless of reality.

I wonder whether his wife has had eyebrows raised or silent intakes of breath if she ever wants to allow him or as they think palm off baby to take the child. Eventually those small prejudiced behaviours can brainwash you if you're prone to worry...

My big fat switch was one of guilt and shame. Luckily it means I will only have my DH or mum look after DD because I trust them.
But it also gives me an emotional 'hangover' where I feel guilty and shameful and a bad mother for not clinging to DD 24-7 because that is HOW GOOD MUMS ARE SUPPOSED TO FEEL.
I know objectively that's bollocks.

The reason 'why' Hakluyt is that I guess he doesn't want an all out fight since he has allowed the situation to develop- he probably wants a less confrontational approach.
I agree with Thurlow. You generally get 2 new parents who have no experience of babies and for some reason the woman is immediately the expert who has to tell him how to do things and wants to control everything e.g DH must ask which clothes to dress in etc. WHY?
Most men allow it to happen and then, a few years down the line, she gets fed up with doing it all and having an extra child- of course the man has opted out- anyone would if everything has to be passed by 'senior' parent!
You chose to have a child together. There is no need to tell him anything- let him get on with it and take turns from day one.
I would actually go for confrontational and say there up is no reason why can't do his plan and go for it!

I’ve been through this. Its not that your not trust worthy or that what you are doing is unacceptable. The fact that she (wife) is trying to control what you do before you even do it it totally out of line. She (daughter) is your kid too and you will learn though experience what works and what does not. I’m sorry your wife was born on earth with some rare ability to know whats right for you and your child. Saying that you are not trustworthy is just the easiest way for her retain control. The fastest way to get from point a to point b in this case though is to be patient and let her have lapse in logic. Dont push too hard, this is very common. It probly not a battle you can win without causing damage to your relationship. I know it pisses you off to be second guessed, and it should, but just be patient. Hopefully your little one will start wearing her out soon and that selfish focus will focus back on self. She will want her time back soon and you will have to time to be yourself with your your little! Its great to share your kids with your friends, at any age... don’t listen to that baby apropriate nonsense. Just use your best judgement and enjoy your time with daughter.