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Original poster

Wife won't let me look after our daughter on my own away from her

96 replies

g33k · 21/11/2014 15:13

Our DD is only just 12 months old, and I'd like to take her into town (about 20 miles away) when I meet an old friend. I'd drive with her to the park and ride, take her in on the bus in a stroller or sling, and then meet the friend in a café.

My wife is point blank refusing to allow it on the grounds that I "can't be trusted with her;" that I'll do something stupid or inadvertently do something not in her best interests. And were that to happen, she'd be too far away to sort out the mess I'd made.

Throughout our daughter's life my wife has been very protective of her. I've previously offered to take her to see each of my parents (each an hour and a half away) and she's vetoed that.

And yes, I've looked after her on my own at least a few times (e.g. when my wife has worked late or had an evening out, and a day and a half this week at home when our daughter was off nursery ill). In each of these cases my wife hasn't been (logistically) very far away.

I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't see the risks that she does, and know that I can take care of our daughter well enough. I can't force the issue by "just taking her regardless" as that would only lead to animosity. I'm left in a situation where my wife is excluding me from making decisions and exerting full control over our daughter, for whom we both have shared responsibility. And as far as I can see there's nothing I can do to change that.

I would say "AIBU?" but I'd rather have some constructive advice on how to improve the situation.

OP posts:

Karasea · 21/11/2014 17:29

PND can cause this absolutely BUT in the absence of a cause then if is awful, belittling and controlling behaviour.

You want to take your child to meet a friend in a cafe, I diverge same all the time. Dh does too, there is no reason that you should lack competence at this and you should be able to have a respectful conversation with your dw about your plans. A conversation about how you will cock it up doesn't count!

Karasea · 21/11/2014 17:29

Apologies for auto correct randomness

Orangeanddemons · 21/11/2014 18:49

But but but, she is as much your dd as your wife's. You have equal rights to do stuff with her. I can see why you wife might be anxious, but I don't think it's her place to veto you taking her out.

Dc's need dad time too

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Strokethefurrywall · 22/11/2014 02:16

I agree with Karasea - if she isn't suffering with mental health issues brought on by the birth of your daughter then she is exhibiting extraordinarly controlling tendancies.

Assuming you're relatively competent at keeping your daughter alive and happy then there is no need at all for your wife to be attempting to block one on one time with her be it in her vicinity or further afield.

All that being said though, if your wife was relatively level headed about things before you had your daughter, and is only now displaying this need for control, then I would think it's hormonally related.

You sound like a caring and devoted dad and hopefully your wife comes to acknowledge this. You are an equal parent and you need to ensure your wife knows this for the benefit of all of you.

RigglinJigglin · 22/11/2014 05:40

I can be like this, but I know DH would be distracted by his friends.

I also don't like doing things without DD at weekend as she has 5 long days in nursery when I barely see her - so weekend is my time I'm afraid!

Is there a compromise where she goes with you and goes for a walk around town while you meet friends?

dorasee · 22/11/2014 05:59

I think bringing yourv12 month old to this meet up with a friend is unreasonable.
Why don't you meet your friend on your own? Why not bring your wife?
Why not do something age appropriate for your daughter? Sorry, your wife is overly protective and this is quite natural. At any rate, don't force the issue. I think you both need to work on establishing mutual trust with regards to your daughter. Your wife may be prone to anxiety. It is only natural that this is heightened in mothers. Our oestrogen levels during our childbearing years is high and this brings out those protective mama bear claws. It's a biological response. You both sound like you need to iron out this issue.Lots of talks.

bananapickle84 · 22/11/2014 07:19

I think there is a deeper issue that needs addressing as you are an equal parent and have every right to take your DD with you places.

Is there a reason you wife isn't going with you?

It really bugs me when mums pull the maternal instincts stuff. There is an element of truth to it but does not mean dads can't be as good parents given the opportunity. The only time a mum is more vital is when babies are really little and/or ebf.

Mums shouldn't have the only right to do things alone with their DCs, it's really important for them to have time with their Dads.

OP you really need to help your wife on this one. There needs to be a helpful way of challenging the behaviour or getting the medical help if needed.

Wish you both the best sorting this out, it doesn't sound easy.

longjane · 22/11/2014 07:26

Does you friend want to meet your child?
Why can they come to your house and meet then go out from there?
If you only going to cafe that can anywhere?

QTPie · 22/11/2014 08:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

meandjulio · 22/11/2014 08:32

I'm another who thinks this is essentially an anxiety problem (and with a husband who suffers from mental health problems including anxiety, that doesn't mean I am dismissing it).

I don't think that you should cancel the trip, but I do think you should talk it through more with your wife.

I'll be completely honest though and say that a cafe trip with a 12-month old sounds a bit stressful, and it may be that stress that is also included in your wife's feelings. Just thinking about it, I imagine my ds at that age wriggling and climbing down from chairs, shouting (cheerfully) and grabbing, then increasingly whinging and crying because he was bored. Aargh I can feel my blood pressure rising already. What about if you took a flask of coffee and meet in a park so that your child has a chance to run around? Your friend may be slightly unless they have a child too, but welcome to being friends with toddlers...

meandjulio · 22/11/2014 08:33

I mean being friends with people with toddlers...

SirChenjin · 22/11/2014 08:35

Would that work the other way though? I'm not sure that I would appreciate DH insisting he come with me if I was meeting up with my friends because he didn't think I did a good enough job of looking after the DC.

Mumto3dc · 22/11/2014 09:07

I agree with a pp, how much responsibility do you take for your dd on a daily basis?

If I were you I would be making a really concerted effort to fully share tasks and care whenever you're at home.

If you are a full parent all the time then it's hard to see why your wife would have any concerns over your dd being alone with you.

However if you 're not really caring for your dd daily then it's more understandable.

WannaBe · 22/11/2014 09:25

If a woman was posting that her h was vetoing her taking their child out on her own she would be being advised to get a solicitor and to ltb.

He is her father. She is unreasonable.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 22/11/2014 09:30

Why do cafe trips sound stressful? It's not rocket science!

I can't help but think of a woman posted this then she would be given totally different advice.

You need to see why she doesn't trust you and no I wouldn't be invite her along.

As a parent your entitled to times alone with your baby

meandjulio · 22/11/2014 09:44

'As a parent your entitled to times alone with your baby'

This.

Hakluyt · 22/11/2014 09:55

There are some odd statements on this thread

"We have a just 16 month old and we don't play pass the baby either, nor do we allow other adults to take her out of room at large family gatherings without one of us being there" is one. Why?

"I think bringing yourv12 month old to this meet up with a friend is unreasonable.
Why don't you meet your friend on your own? Why not bring your wife?" Why should he? I don't want my Dp there every time I meet my friends!

"Our oestrogen levels during our childbearing years is high and this brings out those protective mama bear claws." And it's up to us to behave like green up human beings, not "mama bears"

DuelingFanjo · 22/11/2014 09:56

To be fair Wannabe, we really don't know all the info though.

LittleBearPad · 22/11/2014 10:00

Why would a cafe trip be stressful?

I think your wife is being unreasonable and it sounds like she has some type of PND. I remember the crushing anxiety I had when dm took dd for a walk at three weeks old. She was only gone 10 minutes but I couldn't relax. I did have PND. I now can't imagine not letting DH (or DM) take her out now for a while. In fact today DH is being positively encouraged to do so.

LittleBearPad · 22/11/2014 10:01

Agreed Hakluyt. The 16 month old thing is particularly odd.

NickiFury · 22/11/2014 10:07

I really can't say I think the wife is being totally unreasonable because the OP hasn't really answered the questions about how hands on he is. Maybe she has good reason not to trust him, maybe she's only left the baby before because she's nearby and has had to. My ex was a bit of a one for wanting to Show The Baby off to his mates but a bit clueless about her day to day needs. Not saying that's the case here but her attitude is familiar to me and I definitely had good reason to worry.

WannaBe · 22/11/2014 10:47

But we never know all the facts, and yet if this was a woman the advice would be totally different.

Perhaps the wife has anxieties, but if she does then these need to be addressed not pandered to.

QTPie · 22/11/2014 11:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 22/11/2014 12:32

My DS is 8 months old and although DH takes him out a lot I'm not sure I would hand DS over to him for a full day. In my absence DS would probably be dressed Inappropriately, he wouldn't get his 3 meals a day, his nappy wouldn't get changed as often as it needs to be, he wouldn't get his naps, DH would forget to give DS his medication etc etc DH doesn't know DS's routines and how it's the basic cares that are the most important.

The longest DH has ever been alone with DS is 7 hours and for that duration I was inwardly fretting texting DH to make sure everything was being done that needed to be done

However, in DH's defence I know that of course he won't know DS in the same way I do because he goes to work whilst I SAH. I know the ins and outs of the mundane tasks and daily routines but that's because I do it everyday whilst DH is at work.

I try to let DH 'just get on with it' because I know he needs to learn the 'parenting' role and I know that no harm will come to DS but it's hard sometimes when I know he isn't doing things the way I would

Hamuketsu · 22/11/2014 14:55

'As a parent your entitled to times alone with your baby'

In most cases, yes. But that entitlement is absolutely overriden by the fact that the baby is entitled to be safe, happy and comfortable in the care of whoever is looking after him/her.

In this case it looks like the OP is either perfectly capable already, or willing to come to an arrangement where he can learn. I hope that he can do this in a way that means his dw isn't too anxious.

But if he wasn't capable or willing to learn, then he wouldn't have any "entitlement" (and neither would a mother in the same situation).

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