Wife won't let me look after our daughter on my own away from her

[g33k]

Our DD is only just 12 months old, and I'd like to take her into town (about 20 miles away) when I meet an old friend. I'd drive with her to the park and ride, take her in on the bus in a stroller or sling, and then meet the friend in a café.

My wife is point blank refusing to allow it on the grounds that I "can't be trusted with her;" that I'll do something stupid or inadvertently do something not in her best interests. And were that to happen, she'd be too far away to sort out the mess I'd made.

Throughout our daughter's life my wife has been very protective of her. I've previously offered to take her to see each of my parents (each an hour and a half away) and she's vetoed that.

And yes, I've looked after her on my own at least a few times (e.g. when my wife has worked late or had an evening out, and a day and a half this week at home when our daughter was off nursery ill). In each of these cases my wife hasn't been (logistically) very far away.

I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't see the risks that she does, and know that I can take care of our daughter well enough. I can't force the issue by "just taking her regardless" as that would only lead to animosity. I'm left in a situation where my wife is excluding me from making decisions and exerting full control over our daughter, for whom we both have shared responsibility. And as far as I can see there's nothing I can do to change that.

I would say "AIBU?" but I'd rather have some constructive advice on how to improve the situation.

I agree with everything Hak said on P2

At 10 months old I left dd with DH for two days and flew to another country. DH worked out the house (long hours) and I was on mat leave. The longest he'd looked after her previously was about 4/5 hours when I went out shopping a couple of times. They were absolutely fine and had a great time together. I cannot understand women who think their way is the only way to do things and who don't trust their husbands.

Can I as a question?
Why would you have a baby with somebody you wouldn't trust to look after it?

For the same reason some women marry men who are abusive towards them. They don't realise or it doesn't become apparent until it's too late.

Or you develop mental ill health which affects your judgement.

Because you don't know what looking after a baby is like until you have one? And once you have one, and go through the pain barrier with the early weeks, it never occurs to you that someone might 'give you a morning off' by taking the baby out while you sleep, while leaving it in its overnight nappy until you meet them at lunchtime, with the result that the baby has rampant nappy rash and a ring of wetness around its tummy? [not still obsessing over this at all after ten years]

But taking this OP at face value, most parents are perfectly OK at looking after their baby, and the reluctance of the mother in this case sounds like anxiety, which won't be helped if she never allows herself a break from the child?

Mothers and Fathers are different. Some, if not many, mothers have very strong biological/hormonal responses to situations involving their infants. (I am one of them!). Try to work within your wife's comfort zone, even if you don't understand it - I think this will have a better outcome for your family in the long run. It will also help her to trust you more and she will them be more relaxed about you taking DD out in future.

Yep. Women are just bags of raging hormones, incapable of rational thought.

I disagree. Acquiescing to this demand simply perpetuates the belief that she is the only parent who can look after the DC. Talking and reaching a solution that suits both parents is the way forward, and perhaps within that conversation there needs to be an acknowledgement of concerns from both parties.

My post was directed at vita - should have made that clearer

Agreed *SirChenjin. This could go on for years otherwise with OP only allowed to play a subsidiary parenting role.

I have anxiety (proper full on) and agree with PP this sounds like intrusive thoughts.

I have to work on these. DH looks after our dd at least weekly!

Vita different is not ok whwhen it's making her ill, creating a huge role for her and a weird family dynamic.
Mum will be unhealthy.
baby will grow up with strange relationship understanding.
Father will be resentful.
...and the cycle will continue.

Thus isn't a newborn oxytocin rush: it's very familiar to me as anxiety and intrusive fear fuelled beliefs.

Hakluyt can I ask, how do you know how someone will be with a baby until they actually have one?

No one to my knowledge has a crystal ball!

It's a shame OP hasn't been back to answer questions about how hands on he isn't it?

I also don't like doing things without DD at weekend as she has 5 long days in nursery when I barely see her - so weekend is my time I'm afraid!

Assuming your DH is also working (and not a SAHD) where is his time with his DD? (comment to Riggglin).

Can't believe some of the comments on this thread - of course the father should be able to take his own child out, as someone else said, imagine if this was the other way round? Just ask your wife how she expects her DD to be cared for if she drops dead?

Some women are incredibly possessive about their children ......... and then wonder in a few years time why their DH won't do anything with the children. .

I agree with Hakluyt.

"I agree with Hakluyt."

Me too!

I can't understand what's inappropriate about a father meeting his friend with his child (I'm really really really perplexed by this one) or what is so impossible about visiting a cafe with a 12 month old. Both are completely normal run-of-the-mill activities!

oh & I agree with Ragwort too! I'm completely gob-smacked by some of the replies here.

depends what the dad is like, tbh
i tried to avoid dh taking the kids out/being in charge when they were young. now they are old enough to look after themselves, they do loads with him
dh is just easily distracted with poor (imo) judgement wrt danger/safety issues. obv he wouldnt come on a forum and say that, because he doesnt see it that way, and all the incidents proving it are 'accidents' so dont count in his mind

I don't understand some of the responses here at all and agree that if the situation was the other way around (father not allowing mother to take baby out) we'd all be up in arms about it.

We do not know enough about the whole situation and what I would like to know is whether you DW thinks there is a problem here, g33k?
Does she have other anxieties? Does she tend to get in a spiral of unhelpful thinking that ends up with her feeling really stressed and worried?

I think examining the reasons for her refusal would be helpful.

Fwiw, DH has always had sole responsibility for our children - he helped make them, he can jolly well look after them !
He drove a caravan across Europe with 4 DCs (youngest was 15months) on his own and probably coped better than I would have done in similar circumstances.

otoh i knew a sahd who hated his dw looking after the kids alone for the same reasons i gave, so it is not nec a hormonal thing

I think your wife is being rude and disrespectful.

I would hit the roof if DH ever dreamt of drawing up rules of what I could and could not do with our children.

Are there other rules that you must abide by which she has drawn up and have you done something disastrous to mKe her feel that she needs to treat you like a child?

Of course it's not a hormonal thing - it makes me really cross that so many people truly believe 'that women are better suited to look after young children' (yes, DF, I am looking at you!).

Whenever DH looks after our lot (we have 4 boys, aged 11-4) my family react like he is some kind of superhuman hero . Whereas when I do the same, it's just what mothers do .

Massive focus here on the wife and strenuous opinions on how unfair she is and her possible issues yet the OP has barely said anything about how he cares for his dd and hasn't returned to answer questions. I would put money on the DW having a very different story to tell.

My ex often moaned about how I wouldn't let him take dc out alone to his family as babies omitting to mention that when he and his family get together, they drink heavily and care would be left to his Mum who was more interested in corralling her drunk husband and son than in putting my dc first.

Then there was the time he took ds off to the shop while we were waiting for a train and then walked out of the shop leaving him behind in his buggy.

Not to mention the fact I could count on two hands how many nappies he bothered to change for both dc combined.

I could go on.