DD only one not invited to a party

[benandhollyonrepeat]

DD is in reception and there are only 8 girls in the class, one girl has just had a b'day party and only invited the girls from the class (not the boys), all the girls that is apart from my DD....it turns out that she was the only one not invited. I just wouldn't do this if it was my DD's party as I would be worried the one left out would be upset and I wouldn't want one child to feel upset and left out. I really want to ask the mother why she did it and if there is a problem between my DD and hers - do you think it's ok to ask this or should I just leave it. I feel so hurt and upset for my DD.

I would find it a bit upsetting but there is no way I'd say anything. Certainly not along the lines of 'you've hurt my dd feelings'. Your dd will forget about the non invite in a heartbeat....

just forget about it!

I can understand your hurt feelings and am sure I would feel the same. But it is quite possible that the child's mum had a top limit of 8 children, maybe there is some activity with a limited number, or maybe it's for money reasons or something.

I would try to look at it this way: there are 15 (?) children in the class- your dd is among the majority who weren't invited, if you include the boys. It's a bit sad anyway imo when parties are segragated on gender lines (my daughter is in reception and she'll definitely be having boys and girls to her party).

"Schools should do what my niece's school in the US did and have very clear rules/guidelines for parents. Parties should be either whole class, all the girls/boys, or small group of close friends (about half the girls or fewer in this case)."

What happens to parents who flout this rule do the party police turn up and cart them off to party Jail?
How can schools possibly enforce what people do in their free time outside of school?

They can enforce not allowing invitations to be given out in school, which many schools in the US do enforce, especially if not everyone is invited. This is actually the more common approach.

no invitations given out in any of our classes unless they were whole class invitations (in the US). I think that is reasonable. A parent or child may think it ok to exclude one child but no reason to use the school premises to make the point. If you are only inviting some of the class, you invite by text or email or written invitation and mostly people add something like "we are only inviting a small number from the class so it would be great if the girls didn't discuss the party in school"

In the OP's case, I'd think very little of the parents who let that happen but would say nothing - there is little good that can come of saying anything.

I often think people expect more of children than they would put up with themselves. If you worked in an office with 8 men and 8 women and one of the women invited every other woman but you to a night out for her birthday, most people would think it was a fairly pointedly unpleasant thing to do - especially if she handed the invitations out in the office. Telling yourself the table at the restaurant could only accommodate 7 not 8 wouldn't be much comfort.

I often think people expect more of children than they would put up with themselves. If you worked in an office with 8 men and 8 women and one of the women invited every other woman but you to a night out for her birthday, most people would think it was a fairly pointedly unpleasant thing to do - especially if she handed the invitations out in the office. Telling yourself the table at the restaurant could only accommodate 7 not 8 wouldn't be much comfort.

So true

Excuse me in advance for any bad language and for the rant.........
I hate kids being left out how mean and nasty. The same thing happened to my d.d when she was in reception. I don't want to play the lone parent card but it's funny I was the only single parent in her class and my d.d was the only one not invited.
The annoying thing was the mother used to try and talk to me but I'd just look right through her. How fucking dare she try to talk to me when she had a problem with my d.d and she must have done to leave her out.
If I were you I'd ask the mother what the problem is because it will eat a way at you.

IDontDoIroning: my niece's US school makes the expectations clear. People can choose to ignore the guidelines, but it is the accepted norm to be very considerate about party invitations, as it is a sensitive subject. Obviously the school has no legal control over what people choose to do outside the school grounds, but letting parents know what helps kids to learn to be considerate of each other is a great idea.

I am always amazed on these threads when lots of parents think it is ok to leave out one or two kids. It is not ok. It's either pointedly mean or bizarrely insensitive.

I am taking all your advice and have decided not to say anything to the mother - I really want to ask her what she thought she was doing etc etc but I can see from all your responses that this isn't the right thing to do - Would love to hear your experiences on what happened when you did confront the mother by the way...
I just can't bring myself to be friendly to this woman though, so this afternoon I ended up standing next to her and I really gave her the cold shoulder - I'm so annoyed by her that I can't even stand talking to her.

8 girls in the class, not 8 children total.

I don't think it's the best thing for your daughter to go down the route of cold shouldering the mum. On the other hand try to get to know the other mums better. In fact make extra effort with them and in a few weeks invite a couple of girls for tea. When you're in such a small class you have to make a lot of effort with people and you can't afford to burn bridges.

Sorry but I think you are acting rather entitled!

This woman does not under any circumstances have to invite your child to the party. For one reason or another she had decided not to.

She has not tried to hurt your child. She has decided to have a birthday party for her daughter.

You should put this down to experience because it may well happen again over the years.

I just don't believe that if I held a party for my dc that I should take everyone's feelings into account!

I would be absolutely gutted and I think it's awfully mean what she's done.
This is reception so parties are really talked about and a great way for the kids to establish friendships but also for the mums to get to know each other too.
Really poor form.

I'd either ask a mutual friend or I would casually mention it to the other mum

"my DD seemed to think she might have been invited to [her DD's] party but I don't think she's brought an invite home. Don't worry if she isn't invited, it's not a big deal , I just wanted to check I hadn't missed something I was supposed to respond to."

If it is a genuine oversight, she'll be mortified. If not, you just look efficient and will also send a subtle message that these things don't go unnoticed.

Oh, and if it turns out she isn't invited, breathe an obvious sigh of relief and say "Oh, thank goodness for that! We've already got plans that weekend and I was hoping not to have to change them."

Excellent post by quitelikely
As others have pointed out, more dc haven't been invited than have (again, though how you know this stuff is beyond me - I think some people here must be massively over invested in their dcs lives).
The whole 'cold shoulder' thing makes you sound incredibly childish.

So quitelikely and Backforgood, if you were in a group of 8 people (office, new mums group, whatever) and one of them invited the other 6 to her birthday party in front of you (this is what issuing invitations in school does) but didn't invite you and they spent the next week or so talking about the party etc., it wouldn't cross your minds to think "why doesn't she like me?" or "what did I do to be the only one excluded?" or even "how rude?".

I would hate if it were my child who left out one child from the group.

OP, I wouldn't be bothered with the cold shoulder - you have a long way to go in school and you really can't take things too personally or you'll go off your head. Just ignore it.

I know the cold shoulder probably isn't the right thing to do but also I feel so strongly that she has behaved in a really bad way over this, that i can't bring myself to then stand in playground next to her chatting about stuff and being all friendly to her and listening to people come up to her and say what a great party it was etc etc
I find it really hard to understand the people who are replying saying it's totally fine for her to have done this and the boys were not invited either etc etc - I really can't understand how anyone thinks it's acceptable to let your child think that the correct way to behave is to exclude just one girl from the group and then tell her that she can't play in the playground as she didn't go to the party with everyone else!! How can this possibly be right? I want my children to learn to be caring and sympathetic towards other children and their feelings and would have explained how X child would have felt at being left out etc etc as canyouforgiveher says if this happened in the workplace people wouldn't be so carefree about letting it go at all - it would probably be seen as bullying.
So yes the cold shoulder is probably childish but after having to look after a miserable little girl all week who feels sad and now thinks no one wants to play with her, I am finding it hard to be friendly to the woman who has caused this...understandable i think!

It's so hard. DD1 goes to a school (SN) with only 10 in a class but friendship groups are more spread across classes.

We tend to have exclusive-use-of-venue parties so our children are safe and parents can hopefully relax a bit, so numbers are a bit more fluid.

This year we've invited all of her class (principle) plus a handful of kids from across the school that DD1 is friends with. It does mean that only only 5 out of 10 in another class is invited (they were in the same class as DD1 previously and are her friends).

I think leaving one out is mean. But if it was a smaller party, say 10, DD1 would have 7 spaces taken just with her and her cousins.

OP you are right: it is very mean. The people who are saying it is fine are the people who do this kind of stuff.

I do think that it is important to play this sort of thing down for your child, and make 100% sure you are not in any way increasing it's importance in her perceptions. You must use your wiles to trick her into forgetting or not noticing such things in the future. Sometimes children are not even as bothered as adults are about parties.

Preciousbane, you are lucky if your child has never felt excluded enough from a social situation like a party to come home very upset.

That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It is quite condescending to imply that people who notice when their child is excluded are creating the problems themselves.

I have 3 kids, and two of them are pretty cool and popular, but the third is a bit of a geeky and over eager type of child. He was frequently left out of parties. I never said anything to any of the parents because it would not have helped, but I certainly remember and resent the families who treated him badly. It is not very subtle when 7 out of 8 boys are collected from school (amid much hilarity) by the parent of the birthday child, and your son naturally trots along with them until you realise what is going on.

Maybe her dd and yours have fallen out? I remember a thread a while back about whether it was ok for a poster to not invite a child because her dc really didn't want them there.

Hope your dd is ok and she forgets about it soon.

Is your dd naughty? I had one party where one girl kicked some other children. I vowed to never invite her to anything I was hosting ever again. Her mum didn't know what had happened ( I didn't tell her). But she was never the only one excluded from any of my dds parties I guess....