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Original poster

DD only one not invited to a party

84 replies

benandhollyonrepeat · 17/11/2014 13:05

DD is in reception and there are only 8 girls in the class, one girl has just had a b'day party and only invited the girls from the class (not the boys), all the girls that is apart from my DD....it turns out that she was the only one not invited. I just wouldn't do this if it was my DD's party as I would be worried the one left out would be upset and I wouldn't want one child to feel upset and left out. I really want to ask the mother why she did it and if there is a problem between my DD and hers - do you think it's ok to ask this or should I just leave it. I feel so hurt and upset for my DD.

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GooodMythicalMorning · 18/11/2014 08:22

You are completely overthinking it imho.

jalopyjane · 18/11/2014 08:23

What if the mum said "you can invite 6 friends" and that's how it happened?

Should the boys feel left.out, who also weren't invited?

What if she'd invited 5 girls and 1 boy - would your Dd still feel left out?

I think you're reading too much into it personally.

Jazzhandsrule · 18/11/2014 08:23

This says more about the parents of the birthday girl, than your child or their child. I hope it was an oversight, or it is an incrediabily mean spirited thing to do. I wouldn't speak to the parents, there is nothing you can do or say. Hopefully, as your DC is only in reception, it won't be too big a deal for her. I would hold my head up high, be friendly to all the parents including birthday girl parents, then throw a party for my child and show them how it's done by inviting everyone in the class.
Backforgood, we are all different. I find it most odd that you would not be aware of how many girls, particularly with such a small number of 8, are in your daughters class.

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jalopyjane · 18/11/2014 08:25

What if the mum said "you can invite 6 friends" and that's how it happened?

Should the boys feel left.out, who also weren't invited?

What if she'd invited 5 girls and 1 boy - would your Dd still feel left out?

I think you're reading too much into it personally.

Sister77 · 18/11/2014 08:29

My sil has 2 DD and says that party's a such a minefield that she's stopped having them.

merrymouse · 18/11/2014 08:32

You find out about these things because if 'everyone' is going somewhere they tend to talk about it. I don't really buy the "she was only allowed 7 guests and nobody realised there were 8 in the class" argument. It is good manners to ask for a class list to check you aren't leaving anybody out. it is bad manners to organise an activity for 7 if that will obviously exclude somebody.

However… clearly some people on this thread don't agree with me, so maybe the mum is just oblivious. I think you need to let this go as there isn't much you can do about this particular party. Even if the invitation was lost, if the mum is a straightforward friendly person she will check for RSVP's. I think it is too early in your daughter's school career to assume that some kind of organised exclusion is going on.

On the other hand I think it is worth approaching the teacher to check that your daughter isn't being generally left out. At this stage it is likely that having some class mates over after school and inviting children to your own daughter's party will mean she isn't 'forgotten' next time.

fuctifino · 18/11/2014 08:33

Don't ask. Been there, done that, it didn't end well.

You will remember this long after your daughter has forgotten.
Try and ignore the hurt you feel for your dd.

hesterton · 18/11/2014 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FestiveFox · 18/11/2014 08:41

fuctifino, what happened?

personally op, I wouldn't ask because its likely to make thugs v awkward and also its a lesson for your dd, perhaps your dd hasn't been that nice to the girl, perhaps theres just limits on numbers

and if you fix it, you will set the expectation that mummy will fix it everytime this happens
which ultimately will not help your dd find her own way

what I would do is arrange something fab on that day, so if anyother kids say are you going to x party she can save face by say oh no I'm going to blah blah
ideally something really fun

good luck op
it does sting but you and her will get over it

merrymouse · 18/11/2014 08:46

"I would really like to make the mother aware just how mean I think this is…"

There is really no point whatsoever in doing this. Your daughter has a long school career ahead of her. You will come across hundreds of other parents. There is no more reason to expect a particular parent to act in a certain way than somebody standing ahead of you in a supermarket queue. Your job is to parent you daughter (hence maybe contact the teacher to check how she is getting on with the other children), not the other parents!

longtallsally2 · 18/11/2014 08:50

It's horrible when this happens. Been there, done that. The situation becomes more exaggerated when your dc is in a class with a small number of other children of the same gender.

Agree that it is tempting to ask, but if you do you risk it becoming more hurtful, and the situation growing.

Give them time and it may all blow over. In the meantime, if you can, look for out of school activities where your dd can make friends - Rainbows? Karate? A special day out on the day of the party, so she has something to go into school and talk about? The more confident she is in herself, and the more friends she has outside school, the better equipped she will be to cope with the shenanigans.

funambulist · 18/11/2014 09:12

OP you poor thing. I understand why you are upset. A similar thing happened to my DD in reception.

It might be that on the day that the party girl's mum asked her who she wanted at her birthday party, her DD and yours had had a very minor falling out (very common at this age), and birthday girl said that she didn't want your DD at her party. Whereas if she'd been asked the day before or the day after, your DD would have been top of the list. If the birthday girl's mum didn't include your DD because of it and sees the girls playing happily now then no wonder she is embarrassed.

Friendships are very fluid at this age. My own DD is now best friends with a girl who didn't invite her to her birthday party in reception and I am really good friends with the mum.

If your DD's birthday is soon then make sure that she invites either all the girls or all the class to her party to help establish this as the norm and avoid your DD being left out of future parties.

If your DD's birthday isn't for a while then think about arranging a few playmates to help establish her friendships within it the class. Try if possible to include birthday party girl. I would have 3-4 girls round for tea on two days. It also gives you a chance to see how your DD interacts with her classmates in case you have any concerns there.

You might also think about arranging a get together for all the girls or all the class (not a party), for example a cinema trip on the last day of term. Again, this will help to establish that it is nice for the 8 girls in the class / the whole class to do things as a group. This will probably result in a few mums saying, "isn't it nice when they / we all get together?" and future parties will be more inclusive.

MindReader · 18/11/2014 09:19

It's very hard if only 8 in class and your dd the only girl not invited!

You cant 'not notice' that.

I would ask another mum if she knows anything? / teacher if she feels your dd is mixing well and forming friendships?

Then you will know if there is a 'reason' behind it and be able to resolve it.

And, what funambulist says ^

lem73 · 18/11/2014 09:38

Let it go, don't feel slighted and please don't confront the mother about it. You have to deal with these parents for the next seven years and you need to be especially careful in a small school. Perhaps you can ask another mum or the class teacher if they're aware of any problems but ask them to keep it confidential. All three of my dcs have been left out at some point and it hasn't scarred them for life.
When ds2 turned 6 he had a bowling party and I had to limit the numbers because of the number who could play a game at any one time and the cost. He invited only his closest friends. The day after I discreetly handed out the invites, a mum of a girl in his class came up and said could she have an invite because her dd hadn't received hers. I was really embarrassed but I blurted out I'm really sorry it's just a small party for close friends. Afterwards I actually felt annoyed because my ds wasn't a friend of this girl at all and I couldn't invite everyone in a class of 30. The mother and her best mate proceeded to ignore me for the rest of primary school! So to avoid future problems please bite your tongue.

EugenesAxe · 18/11/2014 11:36

hoobypickypicky - OK I know I'm not the person you directed your question at, but I can totally see why one would mention this to the teacher.

My DS' teacher spoke to me about social development and friendship groups in his initial review; she said if after half term there are still reception children wandering about alone they intercede to ensure other children include them in play. If there is a relationship issue that causes a slight of this kind (and let's face it, it is quite a hurtful/big one) then I think the teacher would WANT to know!

funambulist · 18/11/2014 12:14

lem73 I know what you mean.

My DD had a girls only party when she was about 8 and it was the type of girly themed party that most boys would not enjoy at that age.

I made sure that I invited all the girls in the class. I couldn't have invited the whole class as numbers were limited by the venue.

I was then approached by one of the boys' mums in the playground to ask why her son hadn't been invited! I said that it was an all girl party so I didn't think that he would have wanted to come given both the girly theme and the fact that there wouldn't be any other boys there. She said that he would have loved the party and wouldn't have cared about being the only boy.

I was left feeling quite resentful and uncomfortable as I felt that I'd done my best to be fair and although my daughter got on very well with the boys I would never expect her to be invited to a similar all-boy e.g. football party. I just said sorry and that it was too late to change it now. I don't think there are any hard feelings now. I hope not.

lem73 · 18/11/2014 12:19

I agree the teacher would benefit from knowing as it may influence the behaviour of the children eg some girls showing off because they're invited and the op's daughter is not. I've seen that happen a lot but it is particularly rough if you've just started school.

Greyhound · 18/11/2014 12:22

I really feel for you but I don't think anything good can result from confronting the mother. It was her child's party and up to her who she invites!

Heels99 · 18/11/2014 12:30

Tell your dd that she wouldn't be able to go anyway as you already have xyz planned that day and take her on a trip somewhere.

I don't think you can challenge the parent of the birthday child. Perhaps numbers are limited, I just had this with a party my dd was having there was a max of 8, dd, her sister and 6 friends. So there were other friends that couldn't be invited. It's a shame but there we go!

TheRealMaryMillington · 18/11/2014 12:43

The other mother has fucked up a bit, it's absolutely not the done thing to leave out one kid. She probably knows it and either 1. doesn't care or 2. is embarrassed after the fact.

Let it go.

I bet your little daughter is not angsting about it.

Yackity · 18/11/2014 12:47

Well I was the trusted go between for a friend whose son wasn't invited - i chatted to birthday party mum (already knew her well) asked how the party prep was going, what type of present would her son like etc and so found out they had only invited half the class, but a mix of boys and girls. So i passed that onto my friend, who didn't feel slighted after that.

Sometimes its good to find these things out, but in a low key way.
Parties are such a nightmare, though. Especially when you don't know the unwritten rules for that school / area.

fromparistoberlin73 · 18/11/2014 12:56

what Pippidoeswhatshewants said- i am afraid

Its not a kind thing she did, but some people are unkind- end of

also maybe your DD and her DD do not get on so well? My DS is lovely in my eyes but he can be right bossy little sod- I would not be surpised it if he not everyones cup of tea

the focus is your DD- if you dont make a big deal and brush it off- she will too- welcome to the harsh world sadly

claraschu · 18/11/2014 12:56

Very mean to leave out one girl.

Your daughter might not notice or care, so make sure that you don't in any way increase her awareness of this.

Schools should do what my niece's school in the US did and have very clear rules/guidelines for parents. Parties should be either whole class, all the girls/boys, or small group of close friends (about half the girls or fewer in this case).

Children need to learn to consider how their actions make other people feel. They can be considerate AND have a great party.

GooodMythicalMorning · 18/11/2014 13:03

It's not unkind. She was probably only allowed a certain amount of people. Dont guilt trip the poor woman, it can only end in embarrassment. Its not the end of the world for your dd to not go to a party.

EmilyGilmore · 18/11/2014 13:09

Horrible for you and your DD, I absolutely agree. BUT, there could be various reasons it's come about.

Some parents drop their children at school, go to work and get on with their lives. Others stand at the gates putting the world (the school, the teachers, the pupils etc) to rights every morning and know everything about everyone. Perhaps this mum doesn't know or care what the gender ratio is in the class and simply told her child to invite 6 friends to the party. Maybe she was thinking that was a small enough number that those not invited would be in the majority. Maybe the invitation got lost, maybe the birthday girl wasn't up front with her mother about the numbers.

It would really upset me too, you have my sympathy. Is the mum someone you feel you can speak to? Calmly, politely and without any passive-aggression? Of course, if her DD has specifically said she doesn't want to invite your DD, then you're putting her and yourself in a rather awkward position.

Maybe drop her a nice email?

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