doctor made me feel a rubbish mum - diet

[howtoapproachthis]

im a bit upset tonight. i went to the docs today because dd (3) has been very very tired the last couple of months and i suspected anaemia - i just wanted to get her checked out. doc said they don't like doing bloods on young children, and thats fine with me i do agree and wouldn't want her to have to get it done unnecessarily.

doc said she was very active (because she was overtired and swinging round my neck- they hperness that comes with overtiredness)and because of this that she wasn't likely to be anaemic.

then she asked about her diet. i told her dd is very fussy, and she is. i literally have tried everything, tried blending vegetables into sauces to hide, everything and she won't eat it. she won't eat any fruit and veg, anything healthy for breakfast. so i have more times than i should resorted to stuff like chicken fillet burgers chips and beans, and eggs. thats about what she will eat at the minute (fish fillets too and sausages) she literally will not eat anything else, she just says, 'don't like that' pushes it away and there is no forcing her.

when i tried to explain this to the doctor, she gave me a lecture about how i am in charge of a 3 year olds diet, and was very patronising. when i told her i have tried to hide healthy things in but she won't eat them, and that i myself try to set a good example becaus im quite healthy and always have vegetables, she told me that dds health was as important as my health and i shouldn't be depriving her of healthy food while i am sitting having healthy food! basically saying that i was looking after myself and neglecting her needs.

of course i will put my dds health above my own, and of course i have tried countless ways to make her eat properly, but i just feel totally crap about this, about the way she spoke to me. she said to offer her the healthy food, and don't give an alternative, and keep doing that until she gets it. this is something i haven't tried yet, i usually give her something i know she will eat, if not at the meal she is refusing, i give it at the next meal. but now i will try this, try not giving her the things she likes at all, but keep offering healthy food. to be honest i do not think this will work. doc says she will eat she will not starve. i don't think its as simple as that. im not annoyed about the doctors suggestion, i am willing to try it, i am annoyed at the way she spoke to me, implying that i don't care about dd and am just feeding her junk because i can't be bothered. if you got this far thanks for reading

Try thinking about it another way.

You know what makes a balanced diet and that will include small amounts of the things your DD likes.

Offer a selection of food that includes small amounts of those foods plus other, healthier foods. Allow her to choose what she would like from that selection and take the rest away without comment.

If the food she likes is not enough to sustain her, she will start to feel hungry and feel more tempted by the other foods. If she is hungry when she tries them, they will taste nicer to her.

It isn't your job to make her eat healthier foods. It's your job to offer a balanced diet from which she can choose.

As a parent you are responsible for developing her palette and seem have got caught in the catch 22 situation of only feeding her the limited processed foods she will eat. Now she only really has a taste for processed foods and that's very bad. I think you should chuck out the rubbishy chips, nuggets, fish fingers and sausages and make proper normal healthy food. Accept with good grace what happens during meal times and wether she eats or not. Don't make food a battle ground.
What does atypical days food look like

I feel your pain as my own DD is a terribly fussy eater.

I find variety and trying new things works for her. If you keep trying and trying different fruit for example she will eventually find one she likes, sAme with veg. At the moment my DD eats strawberries, grapes, apples at one time she didn't eat any fruit. She refused any form of dairy but now will have chocolate milk so I think I've won there (but i still want to get an allergy test as i think its weir she doesn't like any real form of dairy). She will only eat chicken and on rare occasions beef. Veg wise it's only carrots, peppers and cucumber which actually I think is a fruit.

If you think of the main food groups try to ensure she has something from each category.

I think the challenge is to keep it low key and don't make a fuss when she doesn't eat. Just bin it straightaway and finish the meal. Heap the praise on when she eats something new and healthy. Maybe on a plate one thing she likes and 2 that she has not tried.

I found eating at the same time as her helped.

Helping prepare foods also good.

Plus instead of putting things on her plate, have her pick from serving dishes, esp if others are eating. Fajitas are good for this can fill with lean meat and lots of veggies.

Also a poor appetite can have a physical cause. For my DD it was constipation. If you are not regular you are naturally not hungry. Low vit D and calcium can also affect appetite, so a multivitamin is essential.

goldmantra thank you for your reply. i will keep trying. the last few times i have tried she has picked the offending items off her plate and went to put them on the floor saying to take them away. so i did take them away rather than have her throw them down. she seems very sensitive about having things on her plate that she doesn't want. ive tried 2 plates, or bowls with a variety of food, but she doesn't touch the 'healthy' one. i will just keep trying and not offer an alternative, with a small portion of things she likes. i know its going to be war tomorrow but if it pays off it will be worth it.

Can you cut veg up and lay them out In dishes in the centre of the table so that she can pick and choose what to put on her plate. Make sure she's hungry before eating (cut back on snacks)

The Doctor sounds like she has very limited experience of children and very poor person skills. You'll probably get much more useful advice from people on Mumsnet. Personally I would try and make gradual changes; change the processed stuff for home made versions of the same, and try really hard with very tempting fruit, maybe some berries.

Chances are that if you are setting a good example she will come round sooner or later. Are there vitamins, maybe in drop form, you could be giving her in the meantime?

a typical day would be crunchy nut cornflakes for breakfast, sometimes followed by an egg.

snack - fruit flakes or a yoghurt

lunchtime would be beans and eggs (she won't eat toast but i will always make it and offer her)

dinner - i have been trying to compromise with her by making mashed potato mixed with cauliflour and giving her that with her chicken fillet burger or her sausages, sometimes its chips because from experience she has not been eating the mashed potatoe and i honestly thought it was better to get some carbs into her. i used to make pasta for her but lately when i put pasta down she bursts into tears and says she doesn't want pasta. pasta was great cos i could sneak loads of healthy things into it.

she has custard or icecream for desert

for supper sometimes she has a pancake.

she has multivitamins every day. she has flaxseed everyday mixed into her cereal. when i have fruit i cut it up and always offer her it. at least twice a week i make salads and she prepares it with me, she loves cutting vegetables with scissors and putting it in bowls. i always eat some and offer her some too, encouraging her to taste some. i don't know how i have been so irresponsible in trying to develop hr palette - i can make her eat it. i feel very discouraged.

i mean i can't make her !

You will get there. Also try leaving 'fun' things out for her to try with no pressure-a little plate of fruit arranged like a face or something-don't make any comment.
Does she go to any toddler groups? Lots of children try things there that the wouldn't at home.
And all the old tricks-taking her shopping to choose something new to try, involving her in the cooking.
My children have been through fussy phases and I still wouldn't describe them as adventurous eaters but they often surprise me with the things they like-spicy parsnip soup being the latest so don't shy away from offering a wide variety of foods.

We have an extremely fussy eater and we do what Gold suggests. We do have a rule with all of our dc that they don't have to eat the food but it must stay on the plate. I think that once they realise they don't have to even touch the offending item it takes the stress out of the situation. She may even try it one day!

Has anyone mentioned My Child Won't Eat!. It was recommended to me when my dd was about 3 but unfortunately it was out of print then. It is supposed to be very good though.

One of my GP can be very condescending too and it is very annoying, I usually look on it that his attitude is more a lack of interpersonal skills rather than a reflection of me and my abilities.

I really feel for you as I have a similarly fussy eater. When I went to the doctors with her at a similar age, however, the response from my GP couldn't have been more different! He said to me, 'My son ate nothing except for rice and sausages until the age of 15 and he was fine.' He also asked if she ate fortified cereal and said that if she was, she was unlikely to become vitamin deficient. DD is now 4.5 and she is getting there, but it has taken a long time. She has extended her range of vegetables from nothing at all (apart from tomatoes in pasta sauce) to broccoli, cauliflower, cucumber, and more recently pepper, cooked carrot, courgette, peas and sweetcorn. Fruit wise initially she would only eat banana but will now eat apple, raisins and satsumas, very occasionally kiwi. That's only been in the last year. Can't get her to try strawberries or pineapple or really anything else.

I don't know what worked really other than persistence and her growing older. As a baby she suffered reflux and then had problems with constipation. She often gagged eating. Anything like this puts them off, I think. It's a horrible thing to go through and I found it impossible to force her to eat, and didn't really want to force her. DH was more of the view that we needed to make sure she got the right nutrients and were failing her if we didn't make her eat fruit/veg and there has been a lot of pressure from him which, to his credit, has got her at least trying things. She wouldn't have done that for me, however. We've had a lot of battles over food which I feel uncomfortable about. We also eat healthily and have always eaten with them and had lots of veg, variety etc but I think time is the key factor here.

If she's hungry, and you give her shepherds pie that has cheesy mash on top, and peas and grated carrot in the mince, will she eat it?

Or grated carrot and chopped spinach in pasta sauce, stirred into little pasta shells, with grated cheese?

The key is that she's hungry, and the food is tasty and nutritious.

Also, that there's nothing non nutritious on offer.

What do you eat OP, while she is eating? It might help if you both have the same things. Does she have other sensory issues? My fussiest eater was terrible with things like the feel of certain fabrics and certain sounds.

I have a fussy one.

The mantra I try and chant to myself whilst scraping up the mess is "It's my job to provide healthy food, it's their job to decide whether or not to eat it"

So I try and dish up at least 75% healthy home cooked stuff (a few fishfingers aren't going to hurt), and it's up to them if they eat it. We had about a year of regressing to liking fewer and fewer things, but since they turned 3 progress has been slow but there HAS been progress. Noodles, home made salmon fish cakes and stuffed pasta all eaten to some extent this week - would've been unheard of 9 months ago.

Always ONE thing on the plate that they like and trust, even if that means frozen peas and sweetcorn for most evening meals because they always ate them. Veg has now gradually increased to carrots, parsnips, corn on the cob, courgettes etc hidden in things no bloody luck on broccoli

That doctor was really out of order speaking to you like that. Having a fussy toddler is incredibly common and she should not have implied that you don't care enough to give your daughter healthy food!

Fish fingers and sausages are ok imo. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with those foods.

It is so hard when they won't eat anything. We care about food so much here that we grow all our own veg and even raise our own meat, but my son still only ate beige food for about a year! I would cook with him, he would happily join in and then not eat it, he NEVER drank enough and had constipation until I caved and gave him squash. He basically lived off baked beans and peanut butter sandwiches. He grew out of it in the end, I kept on offering the healthy stuff alongside the other stuff.

Tuna and sweet corn little crust less sarnies worked for my very very fussy eater.

Once he got used to them, he'd also accept salmon and cucumber.

Not much of a jump then to add bits of salad.

You can grow mustard and cress with her and tell her fairies eat it.. Fairies love eating plants.

Her diet doesn't sound too horrendous-eggs are really healthy!
If she likes chips could you try other chip shaped things? Sweet potato wedges, roasted parsnips (I have a thing about parsnips at the moment-sorry!)
If she likes fruit flakes would she try other dried fruit? What about the prepacked little tubs of pineapple chunks etc-so something that looks 'processed' and treaty but actually isn't?

How about a picnic with little pots of things? So some grated carrot in one, tuna mayo sweetcorn in another etc? I know that sometimes with my 2 this sort of thing can get them going again. Fajitas/tacos/making pizza, my 2 eat more during the making sometimes than the meal but I don't mind that!

I'm also surprised sometimes about what they like. EG cheese-both mine (at just 5 and 22 months) prefer strong cheddar. Pilau rice got ds eating again after a bug at around 2.5, that was desperation! Hang in there and keep offering the variety. We have fishfingers every so often, I normally make potato wedges to go with them so I can balance salt.

With regards to meat-ds I thought wasn't fussed about meat for a while, he'd eat sausages and spag Bol but wasn't fussed about chicken. Turns out that's because he prefers dark meat, chicken drumsticks are a favourite. Thighs in casseroles etc (cheaper too!). He's now coming back round to spice, via salsa and tortilla chips/fajitas etc and tonight dipped his salmon, rice and carrots (ignoring the cabbage and peppers!) into sweet chilli sauce (hurrah!). Dd ate mainly rice. Fine, she's had fruit and protein at other points in the day.

I also think it's worth watching their natural eating rhythms. Ds has always had days which are all about the protein and others which are carb focussed. I just offer him a mix. He then can eat to appetite.

So as everyone else says, offer a balance, keep it calm and don't make a fuss about trying new things. Ds now has a rule that it's ok to not like things as long as he tries them. Neither are perfect (the nights I've been knackered and tea is uneaten are bloody rotten) but they do ok.

And finally, if you have friends / family that you can join for mealtimes you might find more unexpected going in, I think often the social side works.

And if absolutely all else fails? A bit of mindless vegetable eating in front of cbeebies has been know to happen here ;)

Good luck (and sorry this is long, on phone so editing won't happen!)

minkah she point blank refuses it. at one point i thought it was my cooking so i went and bought the toddler meals you get they are quite expensive. i got 2 different ones, she was starving and turned her nose up at both of them, i nearly cried. but then of course, i offered an alternative.

wednesday it would make such a difference to have had a supportive GP like yours. one who is in touch with reality! im glad you are getting through it, food battles are not fun, but it sounds like the hard work has paid off in your case. my dd had bad reflux too i wonder if thats anything to do with it.

jilted i will have a look for that book i could do with some ideas and suggestions. i will try explaining to her that she can keep the food on the plate and leave it if she doesn't want it, see if it makes a difference.

she does go to nursery and i do hear about her eating better at times there, not all the time, but sometimes. its because they are all eating together. i do eat with her, but it doesn't seem to have the same impact as when she is eating with the kids

thanks for the support i will try very hard from tomorrow to make small but effective gradual changes and see if i can get her on the right track.

If she likes to help prepare food, then have a look at ways to get her participating. Try www.mydaddycooks.com, I can Cook by cbeebies or www.firstbites.org.
Lots of great ideas to get children cooking and hopefully then she will want to try the food she's made.

Sorry, op, but You definitely have to give up the crunchy nut cornflakes. That's starting the day with a carb and sugar nutritionally dead plate of basically pig food with added sugar.

Really the wrong start to the day for anyone. Very unhealthy. No nutritional value whatsoever, and creating a carb and sugar craving for the day ahead.

Also don't give sugary pudding to a fussy eater. Either a piece of fruit, or no pudding.

Sugar, plus carb loading, is destroyer of appetite.

Seriously.

I also have an extremely fussy child and to be honest he sounds much worse than your Ds. I think most people have no idea of how difficult it can be to have a really resistant eater. In Ds case it started with a bout of diarrhoea when he was about 2.5, he lost his appetite and we fed him on fish fingers and chips just to get at least something in him. He's alway hungry now but scared of food in case it makes him ill. Maybe your Dd has the same sort of issue. I have no advice for you I'm afraid but just wanted to say please please don't blame yourself or feel guilty. My dd eats almost anything so I'm quite sure it's not down to my crap parenting and your dds problems are not down to your parenting. It's so easy to judge when you're not in that situation. I feel like my judging is biting me on the arse now maybe try to see a different doctor or ask if there's a school nurse available if your dd is at nursery. School arranged for us to see a nurse and she was a great help, Ds came home and tried some jam. A huge achievement for him!

wow so many responses. lots of ideas here - i don't have time to reply right now, but i am reading the replies and getting lots of inspiration - thank you

I really sympathise. I had two fussy eaters, in different ways. They are much better now, but it's hard work.

Will she eat nut butter on wholemeal soldiers? Or little peanut butter and banana wholemeal sandwiches?

GPS are not trained in parenting. Forcing her to eat when she doesn't want to is a disastrous idea and will only make food more of a battleground and imbue food and mealtimes with emotion they don't need to have.

Nor are GPs trained very deeply in pediatric dietary requirements. I would insist on a referral to a proper pediatric dietician if the GP has clinical concerns and ignore ignore ignore if there aren't any such concerns.