doctor made me feel a rubbish mum - diet

[howtoapproachthis]

im a bit upset tonight. i went to the docs today because dd (3) has been very very tired the last couple of months and i suspected anaemia - i just wanted to get her checked out. doc said they don't like doing bloods on young children, and thats fine with me i do agree and wouldn't want her to have to get it done unnecessarily.

doc said she was very active (because she was overtired and swinging round my neck- they hperness that comes with overtiredness)and because of this that she wasn't likely to be anaemic.

then she asked about her diet. i told her dd is very fussy, and she is. i literally have tried everything, tried blending vegetables into sauces to hide, everything and she won't eat it. she won't eat any fruit and veg, anything healthy for breakfast. so i have more times than i should resorted to stuff like chicken fillet burgers chips and beans, and eggs. thats about what she will eat at the minute (fish fillets too and sausages) she literally will not eat anything else, she just says, 'don't like that' pushes it away and there is no forcing her.

when i tried to explain this to the doctor, she gave me a lecture about how i am in charge of a 3 year olds diet, and was very patronising. when i told her i have tried to hide healthy things in but she won't eat them, and that i myself try to set a good example becaus im quite healthy and always have vegetables, she told me that dds health was as important as my health and i shouldn't be depriving her of healthy food while i am sitting having healthy food! basically saying that i was looking after myself and neglecting her needs.

of course i will put my dds health above my own, and of course i have tried countless ways to make her eat properly, but i just feel totally crap about this, about the way she spoke to me. she said to offer her the healthy food, and don't give an alternative, and keep doing that until she gets it. this is something i haven't tried yet, i usually give her something i know she will eat, if not at the meal she is refusing, i give it at the next meal. but now i will try this, try not giving her the things she likes at all, but keep offering healthy food. to be honest i do not think this will work. doc says she will eat she will not starve. i don't think its as simple as that. im not annoyed about the doctors suggestion, i am willing to try it, i am annoyed at the way she spoke to me, implying that i don't care about dd and am just feeding her junk because i can't be bothered. if you got this far thanks for reading

Don't worry OP. I have a fussy DS (5). He doesn't eat anything sloppy or too mixed up or lumpy, so it's definitely a texture issue. He likes things separate, identifiable and (most of the time) raw/uncooked. He is slowly getting into new things, so is now eating home made pizza and pancakes, as well as satsumas, which he would not have eaten half a year ago. It's slow and frustrating, though. He will not eat meat in any form (but we are pescaterians, so don't offer it to him that often anyway). He doesn't eat pulses or quorn. But he does eat eggs, yoghurt, cheese and fish fingers, so protein is right there for him.

Kids really do not need that much and if you give him vitamins and fortified cereal you are doing fine (crunchy nut cornflakes are not fucking pig feed, however have you tried her mixing crunchy nut cornflakes with a teeny bit of "normal" ones and increase the amount until she is eating mostly "normal" cornflakes? Don't let her see you doing it, though..). I decided to give up the fight around a year ago, and just offer him new stuff occasionally (sometimes I bribe him!). Sometimes he will now like what he tries, or at least not gag. He even ate a spoonful of mash the other day!

The book previously recommended, 'My child won't eat', is a really good book, written by a spanish doctor and just very reassuring. It is true that fussy eating has always existed, I'd prefer to call my ds 'a discerning eater'! Children are supposed to be fussy, its a survival thing. But actually, this parental fear over 'is my child eating enough?', 'my child is a fussy eater' is historically quite new, back in the day children would purposely have been given an extremely bland diet for quite a number of years and parents would actually have been more concerned over children eating too much.

My ds is a very fussy eater, he's 3, my dd is 6 and an amazingly unfussy eater. Gradually my ds has been accepting new foods but its a very gradual process, breakfast has been most successful recently as he'll accept 'normal' breakfast foods like Readybrek, regular toast and even sometimes proper porridge, this is a victory for us. I'm quite relaxed towards processed foods such as fishfingers which I used to be quite snobby about when dd was a similar age. I want him to just enjoy eating at the moment as fights over food get you nowhere. Ds quite likes salmon fish fingers! Its easy for others to be judgmental when they haven't experienced it.

Many supermarket own brand (branded usually don't contain it) childrens multivits contain iron if this is something you're concerned about, Boots have a particularly comprehensive own brand one.

Thank you for the kind, non judgemental responses. i have had a difficult week this week otherwise would be replying in more detail to a lot of posts, but i have read and re-read the ideas mentioned here.

just wanted to clarify - i don't give dd chicken nuggets or fish fingers and haven't done for a good while. i give her the best quality chicken fillet and breaded fish fillet burgers i can get - i know these are not much better, but i am just trying to show that i do care, i do try to select the best choices that i can while working with what she will actually eat.

some of the ideas to cook her oat tray bakes etc- she will never touch anything like this. she won't even eat banana cake or muffins or anything like that. i cannot force her.

same with sauces - i would be able to get a lot of veg into her if only i could get her to have a tomatoe sauce or something that i can blend the vegetables into, but she won't touch it. she WILL eat gravy though, so perhaps i can start with adding something into gravy, i don't know if that will work but i will try.

for the past couple of days i have cracked down a bit. i have offered her greek yoghurt with fruit puree mixed in. she ate about one spoonful and rejected it - im quite discouraged. i haven't been offering alternatives. she is eating mash, chicken and gravy at night, with cauliflour mixed in. at the minute she is basically just eating less, and this is something that worries me.

a lot of people including the doctor say, 'don't give her an alternative, she will not starve' i dont know that i agree entirely with this. yes she will not starve to death, but that is not to say there will not be consequences. she is showing that she is preferring to eat a restricted amount of food, than to eat more of the healthy food. granted, it is still too early to see if she will eat the alternative, but this is not something i am prepared to do long term. everyone has different beliefs about food and nutrition, and i believe i would be doing her more harm than good to continue to let her restrict her food, because she doesn't like what im giving her (if she does continue this) i recovered from an eating disorder after many years, and one thing i learned was that the body reacts to restricted food intake, whether intentional dieting, or unintentional (like illness) , and to be honest, i am not going to risk to set her up for any potential damage caused by food deprivation because i refuse to let her eat the things she likes (within reason of course)

so i will try this experiment (no alternatives) for awhile, and if i find she is just eating much less amounts, i will give her back the food. people seem to be quite judgemental about my choices, as if i didn't care at all or had no thought. i did have thought about my choices, the reason why i chose ice cream and custard is actually because when i was recovering from my ed i saw a dietitcian who actually recommended them as being one of the better choices for desserts as part of a healthy diet. if you actually care to READ the label of plain vanilla ice cream, you might actually see that it is often much healthier than many yoghurts on offer. i don't believe in cutting out any entire food groups (such as sugar) as many people on the thread seem to think i should be doing for my dd. i believe every food group is important, and sugar within reason has its place. its not the enemy if its within a balanced diet. as for the questioning 'do i really give her egg every day'? eggs are one of the healthiest foods out there, and as long as my dd is not suffering constipation she can have as many eggs as she likes.....since she is a fussy eater, i am delighted she will eat eggs. eggs are the one complete food - a complete source of protein and high nutrition. of course i will give her them every day.

i do agree that i was in a rut, and the cereal for breakfast was a bad choice, and that i had become very discouraged and almost gave up, and so ive ditched the cereal for now to see if in time she will eat alternatives. im glad to have this thread to inspire me to keep going, to keep offering her different foods and not give up and refrain from making it a battle ground.

I'm glad this thread has been helpful, OP. MN at its best!

One thing I did with my fussy eaters (who were a lot less fussy than yours) was to start with just having the unwanted food on the table. Not on their plate, just in a communal bowl/on other people's plates. So the fussy DC would have plain pasta, everyone else would have pasta in a tomato sauce.

Then I put a tiny helping of tomato pasta in a separate bowl "for" the fussy DC (as well as their own plain pasta, in another bowl). I would ask them just to smell it, not touch it or taste it. There'd be a bit of a fuss about that, but they would do it.

Once they'd got used to that, I'd ask them to lick it (bribing with pudding if necessary).

Once they were willingly licking, I'd say "one mouthful" You get the picture.

DC2 wouldn't eat any sauces a year ago, now he'll eat pasta bolognese / lasagna etc. etc. It was slow work, but I counted any forward step as progress.

And I agree, mine would rather eat nothing than the thing they dislike. It's as if they didn't even regard it as food. Getting hungrier and hungrier because they'd had nothing to eat wouldn't make them give in, it would just make them tired, ill, angry and upset. Silly advice.

wolfbasher im glad you understand what i mean! some nutrition is better than no nutrition! i will give what you did a go re the gradual trying and bribery, excellent ideas.

First off, I'd be surprised if she was anaemic because it sounds like she eats a fair amount of iron rich food.

Second, ime 3 is a very fussy eating age, well has been for my 3 and the dr sounds rather unrealistic in suggesting its that easy to get kids to eat what you want them too.

But 3rd, I personally wouldn't be giving treats and puddings, apart from yogurt for the calcium, to a child who ate no fruit and veg. I'm pretty strict on that, snacks are fruit/veg or oat biscuits/rice cakes. Puddings are only got if you eat yr veg. I allow for individual taste so eg don't make ds2 eat peas as he has tried them enough to show he really doesn't like them.

Fourth, a suggestion - I recently got v fussy ds2 eating broccoli by telling him not to eat it as it would make him too strong - because it's what the Incredible Hulk eats... And sweet corn by begging him not to eat it because he would be able to run too fast..! Some kids are easily manipulated, might be worth a try!!

And eggs every day are brilliant, if she'll eat them. My DC have eggs for breakfast twice a week, and they'd have them every day if they didn't complain about it so bloody much.

Another thing I did was to have a meal 'rota'. So Monday was always a pasta dish, Tuesday always baked potatoes, Wednesday always chicken, Friday always fish - you get the picture. Fussy DC do better with routine and knowing what to expect and not too much unexpected variety. Thursday was my 'experiment' night when there would be something a bit more varied (and a substantial pudding because I knew they wouldn't eat much of the main).

It helped reduce the stress - for them and me!

It sounds as if you are doing the right things OP. My SIL ate only spagetti bolognese for two years and she is fine now as a 40 year old. PIL also went to the doctors (in the 70's) and were told that she be okay and get bored of it one day. Is it not extremely well known that a lot of kids go through this?

I'd be annoyed at the patronising doctor. I do hate a condescending professional who won't listen and spouts nonsense. If got a penny for every doctor who gave me wrong information I'd have at least enough for a biscuit.