So am I really a bad mother?

[shhhh]

Well dd is 16 months and i'm a sahm mum. Although dh & I have gone out for nights together and left dd in bed with either set of parents babysitting we have never left her alone during the day..

Well tbh there have been a few occasions where we have gone for baby scans (ds2b due Jan07) or a mw appointment (left with my mum) BUT generally she has never been left in anyone elses care.

I am fine with this and I thought dh was until today. In a conversation this morning he thinks maybe I am quite protective of dd and maybe we need to llosen things before ds2b arrives, mainly so dd doesn;t stress when we need to leave her with my mum to go into hospital.
TBH she is fine on the odd occasion she has been left with mum and is quite a confident outgoing happy little girl. So I don't honstly see there being a problem, once pointed out dh agreed we shouldn't have a problem.

Friends of ours with kids both work and leave their kids in the care of nursery & gp's and do this on a regular basis. Not just while working but once finished at work, when they fancy a night out or even a lie in. The topic was brought up by a friend this week and I was made to feel bad coz dd has never stayed out over night or never stays alone at gp's/family etc.
I explained that as a sahm "this is my job" and one I enjoy. To send dd off to gp's to give me a break or at w/ds is not something I would consider. DH works long hours during the week so his only time with dd is w/ds, time we enjoy as a family. TBH is dd did stay out we would have no sleep for fear of worry about her etc. Typical parents concerns I think.

I'm not saying dd will never go anywhere without me but atm I feel that I want to be her main infulence and I want to enjoy precious time with her.
I'm a PND (and AND) sufferer and this is one of my side effects if you like. .

Does anyone share the same views as me ( and possibly dh).? Why should I be made to feel like a bad mother because I want to be the one who's around when she wakes, or when she goes to the park or to watch when her face lights up at big cook little cook..?

I just feel I am in such a honoured position where I don't need to work atm and I don't feel like I want to either. I want to remember my days with dd as a baby and lo and not feel like I have no control if she stays with gp's etc..

I don't get it how the
"I really don't care and that is because I know my deeply held beliefs are correct - and if you disagree you are wrong"
goes with the
" doesn't make you a bad parent or a bad person" and " I respect that".

my mum was also a SAHM who also would have benefit from a bit of life separate from not just us but my dad but that's what she wanted at the time and she enjoyed it loads. we enjoyed her being at home without a doubt but she also had loads of househelp and plenty of money.
would have we enjoyed her being at home and not be happy and too busy and stressed to actually give attention? not sure.

and TBH, considering how their marriage ended and the impact it had with my brothers especially, i'd exchange some of the time she doted on the family for some just for herself.

I agree on what's best for you is notnnecessarily best for your children, but we are not talking extreme nehaviours here so I do not think it applies.

not agreeing with someone but respecting their right to an opinion is an essential part of debate but if you are not convinced by your own argument then how can anyone else be. I have come a to this point many times in arguments with dh as he thinks i should respect his opnions whatever they are while i believeit makes more sense to respect his right to hold his opinions but i reserve the right to think they are a load of tosh!

AS to whether not being a bad parent is the same as being the best most perfect parent ever - well you can draw your own conclusion.

I know what you mean about an unhappy marriage but back to my own experience - my parents marriage was horrible but they were fantastic parents and when my dad had to move away to get work we lived separately for 2 yrs which was horrible for us kids - then we movedto be with dad which was a bad idea for mum but dad died 3 yrs later if we hadn't moved back in with him i wouldn't have that last precious time with him - so again what was best for the individual wasn't the best for the family.

here here stm, totally agree with you and couldnt have put it better myself. sshhh again I say to you good on you for being a sahm, enjoy every precious moment you have with your child, I know I will. once that time has gone gone you can never recapture it

its a shame that some people have to spoil a totally innocent post.

ok anniemac, am going to leave this thread alone now. really dont want to argue over this.If you have found a lovely cm and your child is happy there than good on you.

Its just that I work at a nursery and see lots of little babies and children who are very young and clearly distressed about being left. they are too young to interact and though staff do their best they dont get the one on one they need and it breaks my heart to see this.

All I meant was that if there is a choice and other sacrifices can be made, it is worth being there for very young babies. But then again thats just my opinion and so know I am going to leave this alone

Gosh anniemac you certainly enjoy having the last word and I noticed this from your plaming off thread.

I am neither naive or contentious

I am NOT saying anything different to what I said before. IN MY OPINION, i believe that babies and children that cant talk and cant say whether they are happy or sad/upset are too young to be left in childcare.

They should be with parents or family so their needs are met. I understand some people dont have a choice but this is MY Opinion, it is what I believe and if people think I am being judgemental than fine.

To be honset this mn is a bit too much like hard work. Thought we are allowed to express opinions without being called judgemental or people getting upset. If mums believe that the choice they have made is the right one, why do they get soo upset by other peoples opinions?

I have skipped the middle part here when it got all judgemental but shhhh have you posted about this before (fwiw, I don't think shhh wanted to cause a problem with this thread, she was just garnering opinion)?

If it wasn't you who posted about this before, I think it may have been someone else who had PND and did not feel able to leave their child with someone else during the day. Tbh, after I stopped working, I didn't leave my two with anyone else during the day until they started pre-school because I had no-one else to leave them with (no family close by). We went out but only once they were in bed.

However, if your dh is concerned about it, then maybe it is worth trying to address and understand why he is concerned. Perhaps he is worried that dd will feel displaced when no.2 comes along as she is so used to getting all your attention or perhaps he thinks you deserve a break!

how about the last word being this: shhh you are not a bad mother, the fact that you are clearly starting to worry about your dc's/dcs welfare shows everyone on here that you are a bloody good mother. whether anyone on here is a sahm or wm doesn't matter it's what works or what needs to be done for each individual family.

I know what you're on about. You feel like your husband is suggesting you may be a bad mother for not 'letting' your daughter sleep at other people's houses, or spend significant time in the care of other people.

I do not believe this makes you a bad mother, although it may well be connected to your PND because this is very much how I felt about ds1. I don't feel like that about ds2, oddly, but then I'm not depressed now (Have also suffered AND)

This thread seems to have gone off on a tangent - glean what you need and ignore the rest, it's done a typical Mumsnet.

Does anyone share the same views as me ( and possibly dh).? Why should I be made to feel like a bad mother because I want to be the one who's around when she wakes, or when she goes to the park or to watch when her face lights up at big cook little cook..?

Well, if this does make you a bad mother, then I am too. DD has only stayed out over night once, beore we emigrated to Oz. She spent the night with a friend to have some time together (plus dh & I had a concert to go to) Other than that I hate leaving her. Don't beat yourself up...you sound like a great mum!

I am shocked this is still going..
I'm also saddened that it's come to how it is although thanks to those of you who have posted telling me to ignore certain comments etc.

I don't recall posting about this before BUT tbh I can't really remember..I have posted so may threads on mn on different issues.Also even if I have already started a similar thread sometimes I need to get points of views again or advice again iykwim. If you have ever suffered with PND you will know that some days are like walking in treacle and you just need that helping hand.

Foxinsocks, you are probably right with what you said about dh being concerned about dd and I esp once ds2b arrives. Hopefully he can take a while off when the arrival comes to help dd to settle in with the new baby, that way we can both give each one attention. TBH I also think his main concern is how I will be when dd needs to start school etc but TBH I think things may be different then (I hope they are) as I may not feel as protective when ds2b arrives and I have a while to get used to the idea of school...Hopefully pnd will be in my past once Jan comes and goes.I hope I follow in your footsteps colditz, like you and others have said, maybe it's connected..?
I suffered 2 mc's before dd arrived and it took us 4 years to finally have her so I think maybe I just want to protect her and wrap her up in cotton wool as much as posible. Maybe I am just experiencing feelings that every parents does BUT as I'm a 1st time mum I didn't know this..!! Hope it makes sense.!!

I hope you all now realise that I honestly didn't intend to start a mn fight,I just wanted advice and reasurrance which usually I receive on mn. This time I saw the bad side of mn for myself. .

Thanks again for those of you who have supported me of given relevant advice. I really do appreciate it. xx

Shhhh, poor you!! I've just skimmed through this and it has gone all twisty mental!! I understood you to be asking a completely innocent, non controversial pesonal question . Read the bits the help you and 'bin' the rest.

Hi shhh - you have my total support. I work f/t and wish I didn't have to so I could spend more time with my little monsters

Being a good Mum is not about whether you are a sahm, or whether you work, its to do with how much you love your children and your parenting skills. You sound like a wonderful Mum and DD knows she is loved. When she's older and ready, she's branch out and make friends a pre-school etc. She has the whole of her life to do that - make the most of this time while you have her to yourself.

Your nto a bad mother and I feel exactly the same way. my kids have only been with me, dh, few hours iwth grandparents but not often as they don't live close and 1 caregiver I used partime a few years ago before I gave up work. Even then she was only for 4 hours a day while I was at work. Alot of moms feel the way you do. I get annoyed with this independence thing when kids are just babies, My dd is now 9 and I am of course loosening the strings so you will havae lots of time to let go, hold htem close while you can! It is only your maternal instinct telling what is right, listen to it.

"She has the whole of her life to do that - make the most of this time while you have her to yourself" fatfox, Thats lovely and christie1 "It is only your maternal instinct telling what is right, listen to it"..both of your comments have me in tears.

You know what you are right, I am finally starting to "trust" in myself and my mothering skills and to feel that if I want to not let anyone look after dd then I shouldn't feel bad. I just felt so much pressure from friends and given my parents and pil to let dd spend time with them alone.
I don't feel ready and would find it very stressful. You (along with other mner's) are/have made me realise that she has all her life to spend with other people and one day she won't want me because I am her "mum" or not "trendy" enough lol..! Like you said, I should realise that i'm not doing a bad thing. She will have lots of time to socialise and make friends. ATM she doesn't really know any different and as dh often tells me, I'm the most precious thing in her life atm. Sometimes it just takes time and others to make it sink in.

Didn't mean to get emotional..hormones... Its such a shame they grow up. I now know what people mean when they say they are not babies long enough.

In response to your OP shhhh - Don't feel bad about not sending your LO off to stay elsewhere. Mine is 19 mths now and I have left him overnight only a handful of times and all at our home.

Theblonde - I had to stay away overnight a couple of weeks ago for work. I felt really sad and missed them so much, I was really lonely being so far away from them and it felt totally wrong. DS and DD were fine, at home with DH, but was me who wasn't fine. I have another over-nighter in December and will probably refuse to go (PG will be a good excuse, as I can say its too exhausting to travel etc).

Shhh - although I work, I actually hate being away from my kids - to the point that we take them with us when we go out in the evening - this is considered normal practice in most countries. Its only in the UK parents are frowned upon for taking their kids out with them in the evening. Sorry, I am starting to rant now

When DD started nursery about three weeks ago, I was in tears. She kept saying "go away Mummy" as I think I was cramping her style

Shhh, as someone who works outside the home, I don't have a problem with you wanting to be the sole carer for your little girl. What on earth could possibly be wrong with that if it suits you (as it obviously does).

Only thing that rang a slight alarm bell was your comment that you'd 'feel like I have no control if she stays with gps etc.'. Your dd is still very little. But it will become increasingly difficult to maintain control as she grows - and some help and involement from other trusted people, when you feel ready, can be a very good thing.

As for the digs at WOHMs or people who are happy to go out without children ocasionally, as far as I can see they didn't actually come from you. The people who made them are clearly not very confident about their own choices - if they were, they wouldn't feel the need to put others down.

involvement, obv.

lol at the cramping her style comment..!
I agree about it only being the uk who frown upon children being out at night. When we are holidays abroard dh & I love going out for a meal with dd. She is so well behaved etc. BUT we don't stay out all hours and are all usually tucked up in bed by 8/9 pm but it's nice to be able to do it. In fact such a fuss is made of her that its lovely.
DH & I are also the same as you about going out overnight. We are up several times in the night as it is to check on dd..if she stayed out what would we do..! LOL..!! We would still be up to check so its pointless her staying out..in our opinion anyway!! We would sit counting down the hours till we could collect her..!

Thebonde, yeah when parents/pil babysit its only ever done at ours and when I go in to have ds2b I have told mum that dd is to be looked aftre at ours. She's relaxed in her own home and also it saves us buying numerour car seats/baby gates/toys/feeding items/ccots..oh the list would be endless not only expensive..!!
BTW on another subject, which jl did you see the jane twin two..? My local 2 don;t stock it..grrrr..Manchester trafford and cheadle.. Take it you are down south.?

thanks edam. I think my "control" comment is pointed at the fact that inparticular if gp's looked after dd I wouldn't be confident that they would follow our wishes. For example bed time routines or food she ate etc.
Obviously I understand the older she gets the less control we would have for for the time being she's a baby and we wanted to know what was/wasn't being done when we weren't around. Due to this I feel atm I woud rather not put her or us in that position.

For example I have been around when my pil have given dh's cousins dd chocolate and told her shhh, don't tell mummy or daddy and my friends gp's look after her ds and they feed him all sorts of "hyper" foods. Dinosaur burgers, ice cream laden with e numbers etc. She has told them not to but is suspicious he is still fed them esp when she has to pull him off the ceiling at 11pm..!! BUT as they do childcare for her she feels she can't say anythihng. IMO I wouldn't want to put me or dh in the position..things would be said that couldn't be reversed iykwim.