So am I really a bad mother?

[shhhh]

Well dd is 16 months and i'm a sahm mum. Although dh & I have gone out for nights together and left dd in bed with either set of parents babysitting we have never left her alone during the day..

Well tbh there have been a few occasions where we have gone for baby scans (ds2b due Jan07) or a mw appointment (left with my mum) BUT generally she has never been left in anyone elses care.

I am fine with this and I thought dh was until today. In a conversation this morning he thinks maybe I am quite protective of dd and maybe we need to llosen things before ds2b arrives, mainly so dd doesn;t stress when we need to leave her with my mum to go into hospital.
TBH she is fine on the odd occasion she has been left with mum and is quite a confident outgoing happy little girl. So I don't honstly see there being a problem, once pointed out dh agreed we shouldn't have a problem.

Friends of ours with kids both work and leave their kids in the care of nursery & gp's and do this on a regular basis. Not just while working but once finished at work, when they fancy a night out or even a lie in. The topic was brought up by a friend this week and I was made to feel bad coz dd has never stayed out over night or never stays alone at gp's/family etc.
I explained that as a sahm "this is my job" and one I enjoy. To send dd off to gp's to give me a break or at w/ds is not something I would consider. DH works long hours during the week so his only time with dd is w/ds, time we enjoy as a family. TBH is dd did stay out we would have no sleep for fear of worry about her etc. Typical parents concerns I think.

I'm not saying dd will never go anywhere without me but atm I feel that I want to be her main infulence and I want to enjoy precious time with her.
I'm a PND (and AND) sufferer and this is one of my side effects if you like. .

Does anyone share the same views as me ( and possibly dh).? Why should I be made to feel like a bad mother because I want to be the one who's around when she wakes, or when she goes to the park or to watch when her face lights up at big cook little cook..?

I just feel I am in such a honoured position where I don't need to work atm and I don't feel like I want to either. I want to remember my days with dd as a baby and lo and not feel like I have no control if she stays with gp's etc..

Hi shhhh!
Bad mothers ignore, degrade, bully, mistreat and disrespect their lo's.
Good mothers worry about being bad mothers, it doesnt occur to the bad mothers to question their mothering skills (or lack of) or to worry, that's what makes them bad mothers.
You sound like a very good mother to me and I know you from mn for a long time.

Hello Shhhh, I feel exactly the same way!
My ds is now three and hasn't spent much time away from me. I'm also a sahm. My dh only gets 'family time' at the weekend and we spend it doing things as a family, which we all really enjoy.

My ds is also confident, outgoing and happy. He wakes up singing and spends the day like that!
I don't seem to have caused him any damage by being around for him, and I'm not suggesting that others have damaged their children by doing it differently either.

Enjoy the time you have with her. When ds was a very small baby we were sitting in a park when an elderly couple walked past, looking longingly at ds in my arms, and told me to cherish it as it passes too quickly. And they were right. He'll be gone to school soon and until then we're going to continue to enjoy our time with him.

xx

Awww, i couldnt agree more with sleepycat.

You sound like a wondeful mother shhhh, go with what you think and everyone will be happy. x x

Hi Shhh,
No you are not a bad mother!
Our DS is 20 months old and although I have gone back to work PT and he goes to a nursery a couple of days a week I rarely leave him with gp's.
Like you weekends are our family time and we love being parents and spending time with our DS. We have friends who have frequently left their DS since a new born, over night and for several days and nights at a time with gp's. He is now 5 and it still happens regularly, for the same reasons you stated (night out on the p*, lie-in etc). I don't criticise them, as this is what's right for them. I'm sure they think we're bonkers for never leaving our DS. It's whatever you're happy with, what makes you & your kids happy. Don't worry about it, be happy while they are small and want your company!

Good on you shhhh, I think that the if circumstances allow, the whole point of motherhood is to be there with your child.

I work one day a week at a nursery with him and my son stays one day a week with his granparents, would never leave him with anyone but family and he is a confident, well adjusted child.

I posted somewhere else on this board on mn and got absolutely slated when I suggested that if possible, mums should bring their kids up themselves.

I understand that single mums etc may not have a choice, but i would rather work every evening and weekend doing any job going (used to have quite a good career which gave me lots of personal satisfaction) but am happy to put this career satisfaction way down the list and my childs welfare at the top.

Always think your child would rather have you there by their side.
Believe me, I think being at home is alot harder than being at work, and I know that there are good nurseries and childminders out there, but kinda defeats the object of motherhood if you ask me.

Plus babies dont really benefit from nursery untill they are pre school age and can interact properly. It breaks my heart when I see little babies left at nursery for up to nine hours a day, even though they are well looked after they need their mums and dont get the one on one they need.

Its only a question of a few years then their off to school and we can pursue careers again if we want.

Good on your for being at home, and nice to see a view supporting sahms.

No doubt I will probably get called a preachy sahm, why is it always those who choose to go back to work and leave their babies in the care of strangers that get so worked up by sahms I wonder?

Wel, I dont care because I know I am raising a happy little boy that doesnt spend hours each day missing his mummy and waiting for her to come and pick him up.

BTW, this is not aimed at those who realy have no alternative , as my heart goes out to you. All I can say is if you can find a way to be a sahm than do it - rent a house, sell a car, go wthout holidays if need be - all that career satisfaction, personal develpment stuff for you can come later, your child should always be your top priority.

We all have to do what suits us and our circumstances.

One word of caution though. Six weeks before by dd was born, I was admitted to hospital with hbp, and kept in. My ds moved in to live with our Nanny and her dh, with very little disturbance to him, and therefore no additional worries to dh and I. I know these were exceptional circumstances though.

isnt it possible that both options have their merits and demerits?

wouldnt it be better rather than carping at people who do work, or begrudgingly 'understanding' that single mothers have to work (how prey do we work evenings and weekends when we are home alone with our child?), to understand that everyone has different situations and just support each other?

Don't worry - I think some people who do go out a lot without their children tend to look down on people who don't - maybe they think you're doing a better job and it makes them feel bad. Don't go out without her just for thesake of it. Spending lots of timewith your children makes them more confident. I have 4 children and I love being there for them.

Gosh, I really didn't expect all this support...I honestly thought I would get comments such as "dd needs the support of others around her" or " to develop herself further by spending time with others". Like you said lupo it's actually nice to hear such great support for us sahm's.

This thread has actually cheered me up although brought a tear to my eye..

I agree with lots of your comments esp about the having children and working. I have always wanted children and having mc's made me more determined to succeed. Fair enough I never really had a "career" but I know that even if I did being a sahm was the route I wanted to take and I'm lucky in the support I get from dh and the fact that financially we can do it.

It's just at time I feel I am the minority as a sahm esp with friends as they have all returned to work..comments are always made towards me about being a sahm like I pointed out below or "it'll do you good to work"..! . Shocking I know BUT I never judge them (not to their face anyway ) or comment on them working etc.

Northstar...thanks for such lovely comments..Hope you and your lo are well xx

I suppose I just felt that atm "society seems to make it normal for people to leave children with gp's or to return to work" and I just felt that it was something "I had to do" iykwim..Like I had to build myself up the leaving dd with someone sooner or later. I was starting to stress myself out if I'm honest.Knowing that in x months/years she will HAVE to stay at gp's etc. But you have made me realise that this isn't really a need..she gets all the love, affection and play time etc with dh & I.

I know she will need to start pre school nursery type thing or school one day but I want to face that when it arrives..rabbittrabbitt you are a shining example that it hasn't affected you or your son.Does the thought of him going to school worry you or are you able to deal with it given his age etc and the fact you have had time to get used to it..??
Like your ds our dd also wakes up cheery and smiles from the moment she wakes till she sleeps. Lots of have commented on how much of a happy girl she is..something mum says dh & I should be proud of, obviously she is in a good environment.

I suppose somedays things take over and it's hard to see the positive iykwim.

Thanks again for such lovely support I appreciate it. xx

Shh am similair and it is also down to depression ina way. Ds is 3 next week and has just started a playgroup on the reccomendation ot eh psychologist so I can work through some of the issues around it for me....mainly as well as I think she is worried I will have a melt down when he starts school. I do however still have DD[9mths] to occupy my time and will havd db in jan.

I think that children with SAHMs are more confident too, i think because you leave them less, they are more secure.
Im not saying you shouldnt leave them though.
Whatever suits you and your family.

maggiesmama I don't think anyone is putting down mums who work but it's all a matter of opinon and choice.
Obviously some people have no choice but to work. In the case of our friends though they Don't have to work due to financial reasons. She just feels like she would go up the wall looking after ds all day.
Like I said, it seems to be alot of conversations revolve around that fact that I'm a sahm mum and how mad they think I am. I'm made to feel the minority and I hate it BUT tooticky you have made me realise that I "Don't have to do something just to please others". ATM leaving dd with family etc would not be my choice BUT down to the fact I felt pushed.

When ds2b arives I am sure she will be fine with my mum and it (hopefully) won't be for a long time..?? Surely this won't have such a great affect on her.?

Nemo you sound in a similar situation to me..I am seeing a counsellor BUT I just hope that the arrival of ds2b will maybe help ease things slightly and maybe I won't be as clingy iykwim.

God, before children who would have thought all these concerns and problems would arise.?!!

like someone said before everyone is different and so are their circumstances. I think it would be a good idea to stop thinking that one way is better than the other and feeling all patronising.

it will be much easier for all mums (and dads) when we stop judging.

I personally like working P/T and once a month DH and I go out for a meal and leave DD with a baabysitter or GPs when we are near them. I enjoy the commuting on the tube as I can read in peace and chatting away with my collegue without running around the room. I miss her at times and I am rushed 24/7.

I've got a friend who is a SAHM by choice. She loves it and could/doesn't leave her kids with anyone, except for grandma very rarely. she's very happy and at times fed up.

etc

evry mum is different, so are DD, DH, DP, DCs, and GPs...

let's just do what makes our own families happy and let live!!!

oh and every choice has got pros and cons!!

here here. dont see why one way has to be better than another. think this kind of thread/conversation creates a climate of judgement and so on, which i find incredibly odd and upsetting.

Sounds pretty much like my situation. Ds is almost 3 and starts nursery school in January. Already feeling nostalgic for the 100% time we get together (IYKWIM) - enjoy it while it lasts is what I say. Some days I really struggle, but when he's on form I could eat him up.

I would agree that this thread does feel judgemental - even though you might say otherwise the fact you've all been using phrases like 'out on the piss' rather than 'spending some quality time with DH' in itself is judgemental.

i am a SAHM to three children, who were born in three years - all of them regularly spend time overnight with my parents and have on occassion with pil's. In each case we've waited untill they were about 18months because I didn't feel ready to let them go untill then.

There are many many benefits to everyone involved. It's fantastic for the children they have a very close relationship with their gp's and also learn that people do things in different ways. It's great for the gp's who really do 'know' their grandchildren. It's great for our relationshp as dh and I regularly get time alone to make sure that our marriage gets real quality time - we get to to things we used to be able to do. Like going to a gallery and actually concentrate, seeing our few remaining single friends and generally 'bonding' nudge nudge wink wink Lastly as DH works abroad a lot and is hardly home monday to friday I get a break, which ultimately makes me a better, more patient mum when they get back.

I will not be made to feel guilty about this, because its a win win situation.

I would also add that when I was pg with my second child I went into hosp for three weeks before she was born and DD was primarily looked after by mum and DH when not working - she had no idea anything was 'wrong' and had the time of her life. 11 months later when the third baby came along the same thing happened and although DD2 was onlly 11 months old so i did worry a bit more about her - I knew that they were being looked after by someone who really was aware of not only them, but how I liked them to be cared for.

its good to hear some sense here, finally.

Thanks you Maggiesmama - by the way my parents have just collect the children and bring them back on sunday and I don't feel in the least bit guilty.

and i am just about to take my dd over to my mums, because i'm out on a date!!!