So am I really a bad mother?

[shhhh]

Well dd is 16 months and i'm a sahm mum. Although dh & I have gone out for nights together and left dd in bed with either set of parents babysitting we have never left her alone during the day..

Well tbh there have been a few occasions where we have gone for baby scans (ds2b due Jan07) or a mw appointment (left with my mum) BUT generally she has never been left in anyone elses care.

I am fine with this and I thought dh was until today. In a conversation this morning he thinks maybe I am quite protective of dd and maybe we need to llosen things before ds2b arrives, mainly so dd doesn;t stress when we need to leave her with my mum to go into hospital.
TBH she is fine on the odd occasion she has been left with mum and is quite a confident outgoing happy little girl. So I don't honstly see there being a problem, once pointed out dh agreed we shouldn't have a problem.

Friends of ours with kids both work and leave their kids in the care of nursery & gp's and do this on a regular basis. Not just while working but once finished at work, when they fancy a night out or even a lie in. The topic was brought up by a friend this week and I was made to feel bad coz dd has never stayed out over night or never stays alone at gp's/family etc.
I explained that as a sahm "this is my job" and one I enjoy. To send dd off to gp's to give me a break or at w/ds is not something I would consider. DH works long hours during the week so his only time with dd is w/ds, time we enjoy as a family. TBH is dd did stay out we would have no sleep for fear of worry about her etc. Typical parents concerns I think.

I'm not saying dd will never go anywhere without me but atm I feel that I want to be her main infulence and I want to enjoy precious time with her.
I'm a PND (and AND) sufferer and this is one of my side effects if you like. .

Does anyone share the same views as me ( and possibly dh).? Why should I be made to feel like a bad mother because I want to be the one who's around when she wakes, or when she goes to the park or to watch when her face lights up at big cook little cook..?

I just feel I am in such a honoured position where I don't need to work atm and I don't feel like I want to either. I want to remember my days with dd as a baby and lo and not feel like I have no control if she stays with gp's etc..

This thtead was started for my own concerns and for me to get pov, not to start an argument or to judge anyone.!

I don't see in anyway how it seems to be judging people etc.

As I said, I feel that im inferior to my friends because I'm a sahm (This is ME..My thoughts and feeling..) I also felt that I was in some way being a bad mum by being dd's sole care (along with dh). I just wanted opinions and advice from others IN THE SAME SITUATION. This isn't a thread : working mums v's sahm..If it was I would have said so at the start.

anniemac "What is this thread about? Are people upset that sleepinbeauty's thread seems to be dying a long overdue death so this one is started in its place??"..sorry but I have no idea what thread you are talking about.Like I said, this thread was started by myself for my own personal reason..Thats what I thought mn was here for.

anniemac - where is your thread - not only do i go out sometimes, but i am useless at computers!

Please reread my thread..I never pointed my finger at any sahm or working mums, it's all about my own personal situation. I was asking for advice as I just felt pressurised into leaving dd when I didn't want. Maybe my post wasn't clear enough.
So am I not allowed to post on mn for fear of upsetting others or others taking me the wrong way..??

fgs the last thing I want is an argument..tbh I don't give a toss what others mums do whether they are sahm or wm but wanted advice for myself..!!! Like I have said on thsi thread its all personal choice. Now calm down ladies.!!

I think it's all about what works for your, your DH & your LO. I don't think there's any harm in someone else looking after your child when you go out if this person is a trusted person who you know will care for the child well, but then again if you want to do it all (or most of) the time then that's not wrong either.

Whether it is worth letting your LO go to your parents for a slightly longer than normal time just so that when you do have your second LO she won't be thrown by you suddenly going away into hospital for possibly a few days is something you'll have to decide yourself.

Izzybiz - I don't think that's the case. Most of the clingy children at LOs school are the ones with SAHMs, so I think it probably varies. There was one boy who had been there for 3 years & was still coming into school crying & wrapped around his mothers waist each morning

I meant " am I bad mother" in the terms of " am I bad mother for not wanting to leave dd with gp's ie Am I restricting her development and social skills" etc iykwim. My reasons for thinking this came from comments friends who are wm's made. I didn't intend for it to be interpereted as this was the view of wm's or sahm's/ Purely the fact that my friends are wm's and it was relevant to my thread.

Apologie accepted.

Gosh, how quick can things flare up on mn..esp when you don't want it to or intended for it to....

Shhh, there always seems to be a bad ending to threads that dare to question whether it's better to stay at home/go to work etc.
Though I honestly don't think your intention was to start that 'type' of discussion and it's annoying that you can't get the support you need without being made to feel that you're somehow judging people who do things differently.
There are always people who will judge you and try to stop you expressing an opinion by trying to shout louder and for longer. Ignore it.

You sound like a lovely mum. Do what feels right for you and your children and keep asking questions when you need to xx

rabbitrabbitt thanks. Thanks for your advice earlier as well xx

You're welcome. There's all different types of children and all different types of mums. Some will be confident and outgoing, some more reserved (mums and children!). My ds looks like being far more confident than I'll ever be!

Good luck, it'll be fine

anniemac

I only meant that if people have a choice and can avoid daycare/nursery i.e leaving your child with strangers than do. This is essentially what daycare is, no matter how we dress it up!

I often leave my son with his gp, they love and know him and he loves and knows them, he gets full one on one and he is their top priority. I will only leave him with family.

He is a confident, happy and secure child as a result of this and I wont pretend otherwise. Dont want to start an argument, just saying what works for me.

Wish people would stop being so sensitive.I thinks ssshh asked a genuine question and seeks a genuine response

Lupo - yes she did, but there were veiled comments in her posts and others. The implication being - aren't we better mothers because we won't leave our children with 'strangers'. Actually the more I think about it the more I think that Shhh knew full well that no one was going to say she was a bad mother, so what was the point?

oh come on now girls

The idea of mn is to help and advise each other, we cant all agree 100 per cent of the time. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and opinions can often be misinterpreted.

We should be able to say what we think without fear of being cut down. And so what if some people think it is better not to use daycare and nurseries, surely we are all big enough and brave enought to accept other peoples point of views without getting upset.

I am not a great believer in day care but understand that some people have no choice. If people want to shoot me down for my beliefs than fine, but I thought the whole point of mn was to express opinions and discuss topics

lupo - confused - what is it you want? to be able to express your options or not. If you can express yours then I can express mine and I don't agree with you. I don't work, but would never judge someone for working, my children do go to a nursery a few mornings a week, but I don't judge anyone for choosing not to. I do leave my children with gp's and haven't judged anyone for not wanting to.

however I have found others on this thread to be judgemental.

I belive that happy parents make for happy children, end of.

I don't think you meant it in a judgemental way shhh, but soon someone soon did.

we all seem to be saying the same thing.

shhhh keep doing what makes you feel good and relaxed and happy. if someone does judge you remember that 99% they're just jealous or unvious.

I so agree with NotSoUselessMum.

Everyone is different, in both circumstances and personality. I am a single mum at uni, my daughter is with me full time all summer and at nursery p/t the rest of the year.

I am happy with that and she seems to be too, loves nursery, always wants to go and is very confident and sociable!

I don't know what difference it would make if I were with her father, worked full-time or was full-time SAHM.

What I know is that we are both happy, and that is what counts.

glassofwine "Actually the more I think about it the more I think that Shhh knew full well that no one was going to say she was a bad mother, so what was the point?"

Totally disagree with your comment and in fact I am quite shocked and hurt that you feel this to be the case.

I asked a question expecting to get a mixture of replies but mainly ones against me..don't know why, maybe the pnd side of me is down atm. BUT what I got was support which I found amazing and great strength.

Many people post oh mn asking questions that I think "whats the point" ie Gathering opninons on what I would class as useless info BUT do I post on their thread asking "whats the point"..?? NO..! In fact I steer clear of the said thread as obviously the person has asked a question for a reason.

Sorry but when I signed up to mn I didn't no terms and conditions attached telling me what I could'couldn't post about.
You mention freedom of speech well this is mine.

Like I said MANY TIMES no argument was meant and it wasn't an issue between sahm and wm's.But obviosuly there is some issue that you must have between sahm's and wm's otherwise you wouldn't have made such a big issue.
And also about "veiled comments " ..??? You have lost me.

Veiled comments - in your first post:

"Friends of ours with kids both work and leave their kids in the care of nursery & gp's and do this on a regular basis. Not just while working but once finished at work, when they fancy a night out or even a lie in. " implication - they have to have childcare because they are working, but it is selfish when they 'fancy' and night our or -'even' a lie in

The topic was brought up by a friend this week and I was made to feel bad coz dd has never stayed out over night or never stays alone at gp's/family etc.
I explained that as a sahm "this is my job" and one I enjoy. Implication - so if you don't feel the same you are not doing your job properly

To send dd off to gp's to give me a break or at w/ds is not something I would consider. Implication: because its wrong

DH works long hours during the week so his only time with dd is w/ds, time we enjoy as a family. TBH is dd did stay out we would have no sleep for fear of worry about her etc. Implication: if you don't spend every weekend together you do not care about your family as much as I do.

Typical parents concerns I think. Implication: if you don't agree you are not a typical parent and therefore not as good as me.

I agree with you that you are allowed to voice your opinion, but when I feel it's judgemental I will voice mine, of course it works both ways. You have every right to ask for support on here and I don't expect you or I to find every post relevant, but I find it very hard when posts are judgemental. We mothers get a huge dose of guilt the moment each child is born, we do not need any more from other mothers. I think without a doubt you and others on this thread were enjoying your superior parenting - see below comments and the following threads. It was not me who brought up the subject of working or not.

So, how should the post have been worded to ensure it caused as little offence as possible/have been acceptable?

I'm not trying to fan the flames here, I am genuinely interested.

maybe I went all around the houses to give people a better picture of my life and how my concerns have arisen.
You didn't need to post my whole thread initial message, I am perfectly capable of knowing what I wrote. But obviously you have shown that my whole initial post has offended you.

IMO,if you think I along with others who have replied are smug and are supierior parents that go ahead and think it. Its only you who has put these doubts in your mind. Others who have posted with good advice for me are wm and they didn't seem to see that I was causing an argument or feeling smug.

Obviously hit a nerve there.....

This conversation isn't getting anywhere and by the looks of things you are the one intent on causing the argument. Thanks for your support.

I don't think any of those comments were relevant. It would have been quite possible to say that she wasn't happy about dd being away overnight and didn't like being made to feel bad. I would have replied that I felt the same when mine where 16 months, but it might change as they get older and or you have more children and I would have been sympathetic.

Anyway, I'm off to have dinner with my DH we will probably 'even' have a lie in.

From the other side of the coin so to speak. I am a grandparent and often have my Grandkids so my daughter can go out or to just give her a break my grandkids treat my house as their house they are as relaxed and happy here as they are at their own house.I dont consider her a bad mother just because she wants some time to just chill with her partner it makes her a happier person.I love having them I often have them to stay over night just because I like having them,but its different strokes for different folks I guess.

I should probably shut up and walk away as the arguement has already played out here. But I have seen quite a few threads mutate in this way and I have only been using MN for a month or so.

SAHM, extended breastfeeder, babywearer, home birther, and vegetarian - I probably sound like your smug earthmother type and yes I use 'real' nappies so do I get my sainthood? I think I am just as good or bad as any of you concerned parents out there but it is interesting to me that opinions on what makes a good mother end up with mithering about being judgemental since when did that bcome a hanging offence - if you are parenting the best way you can then what is the problem with someone else thinking they are parenting the best way and saying so. I you disagree then state the reasons you believe that your choice is the best option for you. I strongly believe that what is best for the individual is not always best for the child and vice versa. I know for a fact that my mum would have beenmuch happier and better off if she had been able to have a life outside her role in the family but I equally believe that my brothers and sisters and I benefited from her being at home for us f/t.. and I don't think that is a contradictory statement - I know I am doing the right thing for my kids by staying at home and in a few years time when they are at school if I go to work I know that will affect my kids and I will feel guilty but that may be a choice I make for my long term sanity - equally if something happens that means I have to work I will do so in the knowledge that I aam doing the best I can for my children under the circumstances.

Life doesn't allow for the ideal at all times but that doesn't mean that there isn't an ideal - very young children should be cared for by someone who loves them - parents, grand parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, nannies and child minders can all provide individual loving care. I love sending my 2yo son to his GP's for the afternoon as I know they love him to bits and will play with him non-stop for 3 hrs and spoil him rotten ... and I get some quality time with dd (and hopefully a nap)... and if I did have to work it would be the GP's that would help look after my kids to ensure that loving care or a childminder.

And now I should be banned from MN for being smug and judgemental but I really don't care and that is because I know my deeply held beliefs are correct - and if you disagree you are wrong but that doesn't make you a bad parent or a bad person just someone with your own deeply held beliefs and I respect that.

Agree with you STM the more people that love and care for your children the better I say.. I know Mothers and MILs get a raw deal on MN but hey ho..thats life