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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I being selfish? Please be honest

63 replies

Hargreaves14 · 07/10/2014 13:55

I have a now 5 month old little girl, but I've always wanted to join the army as a combat medic. My husband is very supportive and I told him I was going to join the reserves but I want it to be my full time job. Is it selfish of me if I join? I feel it is because I could end up leaving my husband and daughter for 6months! This has stopped me from applying, I'm 20 so still have plenty of time. I just can't bring myself to tell my husband I want to go in fulltime and I feel like a bad mum

OP posts:

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Gremlingirl · 07/10/2014 13:57

My husband is in the army and we have three children. He has spent eight of the past 12 months away. No-one has ever accused him of being selfish or a bad father. It's up to you and your husband to work it out between you.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 07/10/2014 14:01

Well no-one would call a man doing this a Bad Father so it absoloutley doesnt make you a bad mother.

What would the practicalities be? Whilst away on tour, would therr be money for childcare whilst your DH works or would he need to be a SAHP? Would you all live on a base?

And emotionally, how would you and dh feel? Please dont worry what others think of you - if this is something that you and dh are OK with then others' opinions are irrelevant.

bakingtins · 07/10/2014 14:03

I doubt anyone would say a father who was in the armed forces was selfish for being absent for months at a time, but it is a big ask of the other parent when young children are involved. Does he work? Would it mean full time childcare for your daughter? How are you finding motherhood? It feels a bit uncomfortable for me personally that you'd contemplate leaving your baby for such long periods of time when she is still tiny.

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Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 07/10/2014 14:04

Thank you gremlin, I don't know why I feel selfish because people do it all the time. I guess it's because she's so young and I know I may have to up and move them both. Is it hard being him being away?

OP posts:

DearGirl · 07/10/2014 14:06

My ex boss was a female combat medic who was a single parent. Yes it was hard but she managed to do the job and still be a mother.

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 07/10/2014 14:10

I'm not planning on applying just yet, I want to spend mire time with my daughter and improve my fitness first. My partner works long hours at the moment but he is setting his own business up so hours could be reduced. Me have alot of family around if we choose to stay and if we decide to live in camp then she would be in childcare. I love being a mother and always will I just want to follow what I want to do fir a living.

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DontDrinkAndFacebook · 07/10/2014 14:13

I do think you would be a bit selfish actually, yes, assuming to have always been the main carer for your child.

I agree no-one calls fathers in the armed forces selfish in similar circumstances but a man may already have been in the forces or in a job that took him away from home a lot before the child was even born, so everyone would have been prepared for that, and compensated accordingly.

To have a baby willingly, be the main carer for that child, and then decide on a whim to be apart from her for long stretches of time during her first year, for something that is an ambition rather than a previous commitment is rather odd. As you said, you are very young and have masses of time to do something like this later on.

why put your DD's happiness and emotional security at risk? I couldn't do it, personally, there's no way I could leave my child at that age.

Why did you not do it before you had a child, or just wait until she's old enough to understand that you are coming back?

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 07/10/2014 14:14

assumign you not to

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 07/10/2014 14:20

I had no way of joining before. I did apply at 17 but couldn't go further as I became pregnant and lost my son. I them became quite ill and lost a lot of strength. So I went to college instead to get some good qualifications. I finished college in June and since then spent time with my daughter. I wouldn't join just yet I would wait until next year at the earliest and get a part time job. My oh would be happy and proud knowing I am doing what I want as we are very supportive if each other.

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Flexibilityisquay · 07/10/2014 14:23

As long as you can make it work for your family, then go for it. I think if you are going to do it sooner might be better. As things are she is too tiny to know any different, and would grow up with this as her normal. I can imagine with an older child it could be more of an issue if they had spent years with you around all the time. They would also be more aware and likely to worry when you were away.

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 07/10/2014 14:32

I'm going to go in and speak to someone. Atleast then I will have a bigger insight and I'll also sit down with my partner. If he wasn't to keen on the idea I will support him and join the reserves

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Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 07/10/2014 14:34

flexibility thank you, I never thought it would be easier for her if I signed up when she was younger. She would grow up with it and understand

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vichill · 07/10/2014 14:35

Honestly I think a 6 month break from an infant could have a devastating effect on a child parent bond. This goes for either sex parent. I would reconsider this is a few years.

DIYandEatCake · 08/10/2014 00:22

I can't imagine being away from either of my children for a week, let alone 6 months - the early years are so important for your bond with them, and they change so fast you'd miss so much. It would cause a huge upheaval to your dd and oh, and if being a combat medic means travelling to war zones, there is of course the risk that you might be badly injured or killed yourself.
What is it about the role that appeals? Could you find an alternative career to work towards that would give you some of the same things but fit better around having children? (Paramedic, A&E nurse?)

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 08/10/2014 05:22

Hmm. So you've been PG twice while seriously considering this career move, and you are still only 20.

I think you should have sorted your priorities out, decided what you wanted to be doing with your life now and focused on it for a few years, instead of trying to have both at the same time, especially while you are still so young. Most careers are compatible with having a very young family, but this one really isn't. Although it's too late to 'decide' now, your daughter is already here, so you've already made your choice as far as I'm concerned.

I do think this is one of the few situations where it is very different for a mother than for a father. I think it would be really quite traumatising for a very young child to suddenly be separated from her mother for such an extended period of time, especially if she is too young to understand why.

She would be extremely likely to grow up with deep seated abandonment issues. If you disappeared for six months at a time of your own volition in any other circumstance you'd probably land yourself hot water with social services or the family courts and have to justify why you should have the right to be the resident parent again. Just because in this case the reasons sound respectable, I'm not sure morally there is much of a difference as far as the potential damage to your child is concerned.

When you say 'medic' what is it you are qualified to do, exactly? Presumably you are not a doctor or a nurse?

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 08/10/2014 13:00

It sounds like you are judging me facebook? My first pregnancy was the slight mistake of not using a condom (my fault I know) and my second I was on contraception I wouldn't plan it whilst I was in college when I am high risk of premature Labour. I don't regret either I'm very happy where my life is at. Yes I'm 20 but I've been with my husband 4 years we've been through he'll and back but better than ever which is why I know if I make the decision to join he will back me up. He's 27 and a amazing dad he would cope very well but obviously miss me. I honestly don't see why people would think it's ok for a man to do it but not a women? I have done an awful lot of research into the job and know what it involves and the risks. I have also said several times that I wouldn't join just yet and I will more than likely be joining the reserves which means there is less chance of me going away. There is no special reason why I am appealed to the job alot of my family has been in the reserves or army. It's just something I've always been interested to. No I'm not a doctor or nurse. You don't have to be one. The army train you.

OP posts:

CorporateRockWhore · 08/10/2014 13:09

You know OP, this is a decision that only the members of your family can make.

Ignore the people who claim your child will have deep-seated abandonment issues. I think there are very, very many worse things that can happen to a child than being looked after by one loving parent whilst the other is out of the home doing an admirable job.

DontDrink that's a truly horrible post. Social Services, really?

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 08/10/2014 13:20

Thank you corporate. I have spoke to my husband he said he will back me up 100% I asked if it would make him unhappy he said no, if anything he would be so pleased to know I am doing I have always wanted to do. It's obvious they will miss me. But everyday there is woman and children that miss there husband's whilst they work away. If I don't do this and my daughter asked me what I wanted to be and I told her a combat medic but couldn't do it as she was young it would probably make her feel horrid and that you can't fulfil you dreams. That isn't the message I want my daughter to have. Whether I am there everyday or not she will still be well looked after and a very happy child. Facebook you're basically saying every child who has parents who stay away are not prioritising there children. I am very open to hearing people's opinions but when someone is telling me I don't prioritise my daughter andI could give her serious issues is something I dont want to hear.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 08/10/2014 13:28

Your title of the post did say be honest though...

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 08/10/2014 13:35

I did... She was being honest but it isn't true. She has her dad who is fantastic. Saying social services would become involved isn't true. Her dad would be caring for her and I may not even get called away for long periods of time as a reserve as I've said several times. Training involves night and weekends and then my husband could have. She would never be or feel abandoned.

OP posts:

ShowMeTheWonder · 08/10/2014 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gremlingirl · 08/10/2014 13:36

It will be hard for your husband when you're away, just as it is hard for any military spouse. If you are certain this is what you want, your husband is happy with it, and you can handle the possibility of perhaps never coming back to your family, then go for it. Thousands of people do this every day and the vast majority of them are good people and their children have no issues at all with abandonment. Just make sure you're going into it with your eyes open. Good luck.

Iggly · 08/10/2014 13:42

I wouldn't leave my baby at that age.

And as they got older I would say it is harder. I find it hard enough explaining to my 5 year old when I have the rare overnight trip let alone months.

Plus, is there a risk to your life doing this? I don't know enough about the army. And a lot of moving about - again quite unsettling.

What is it about the army that appeals?

ChippingInLatteLover · 08/10/2014 13:43

You asked if you were being selfish and for people to be honest.

You can't then dislike the fact that they are telling you that they think you are and why.

If I don't do this and my daughter asked me what I wanted to be and I told her a combat medic but couldn't do it as she was young it would probably make her feel horrid and that you can't fulfil you dreams. That isn't the message I want my daughter to have

Well, you wouldn't have to tell her it was because she was young that you didn't do it in a blaming way, you could simply say you chose to have your family instead and IF you had chosen to be a medic first you COULD have had both.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 08/10/2014 13:44

I think if you're already in the forces before you have children it's a different matter, but voluntarily agreeing to spend 6 months at a time away from children you already have just horrifies me for some reason.

Forgive me for asking but did you really want this child? You'll miss so many of her milestones at this age, I couldn't even contemplate it.

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