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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I being selfish? Please be honest

63 replies

Hargreaves14 · 07/10/2014 13:55

I have a now 5 month old little girl, but I've always wanted to join the army as a combat medic. My husband is very supportive and I told him I was going to join the reserves but I want it to be my full time job. Is it selfish of me if I join? I feel it is because I could end up leaving my husband and daughter for 6months! This has stopped me from applying, I'm 20 so still have plenty of time. I just can't bring myself to tell my husband I want to go in fulltime and I feel like a bad mum

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Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 08/10/2014 13:45

I'm joining the reserves which means I can still to be a parent and the possibility of me going away for a long period of time is little. I would wait until she was older and understand if I wanted to join fulltime. This hasn't poped up from the blue it's something I always wanted to do and finding out I was pregnant was a shock because I wanted to wait a while. I'm now in the situation I am and need to deal with it. We have talked about every aspect there is to talk about. If he wanted to do it I would support him.

OP posts:

ChippingInLatteLover · 08/10/2014 13:46

She would never be or feel abandoned

YOU don't get to decide if SHE will feel abandoned. She would be being 'abandoned' by you irrespective of whether she has her Dad or anyone else looking after her.

Viviennemary · 08/10/2014 13:47

Yes. I think you are. You wanted honesty. Young children should not be left for months on end by their mothers. IMHO. You should have thought twice about having children if your dream was to join the army and be away for half a year at a time while they were still young.

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PotteringAlong · 08/10/2014 13:49

If my husband decided to join the army I'd feel abandoned, never mind my children. And yes, if I or DH were absent for long periods I have no doubt either one of us would look after the children, and I don't doubt for one minute that they would be well cared for. But I also think there would be something missing from their lives.

ChippingInLatteLover · 08/10/2014 13:49

Why do you want to do this?

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 08/10/2014 13:50

Could you please read my other comments. I am joining the reserves. The reserves are there for people who work fulltime and want to be in the army. So there isn't a Big chance of me going away. If you read further up it also tells you my olan was to join the army before having a child. But it was unexpected

OP posts:

HibiscusIsland · 08/10/2014 13:51

I wouldn't do it because I don't think it would be in my child's best interests. That would be what would decide it for me and not what someone else's husband did and what so and so thought of that. I wouldn't do it if i was the dad either.

minkah · 08/10/2014 13:51

who would your baby bond with as a continuous mother figure if you leave her?

Do you have a surrogate mother for her to securely bond with, who will be around 24/7 for many many years?

If you do, then of course you can leave.

Some children bond with their grandmother as if that person were their actual mother.

As long as your baby has an actual mother figure, she will forget you and you will be free to leave her for as long as you like.

This is what happens in adoption scenarios, and it works fine, as long as the baby gas a secure attachment to a consistent loving presence.

If you are unable to provide the consistent care of a parent, then find a substitute who will be around consistently for many many years.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 08/10/2014 13:54

But you said in your OP you want it to be your full time job?

Personally I couldn't do a job where there was even the remotest chance of me being away from my children for long periods of time, let alone the risk that I could get killed whilst away. (Obviously I know there's always a risk you could get killed in day to day life but chances are higher as an army medic in a war zone)

I'd hate it if DH came home & said this is what he wanted to do, however admirable it is.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/10/2014 13:58

OP you are very young, you have been with the same, older guy, since you were 16 and he was 23? You have very sadly lost a child. What are your reasons for wanting to do this, because to most people it comes across as quite strange?

Are you absolutely 100% certain you are not just trying to run away from something?

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 08/10/2014 14:02

I see where you all are coming from, but I can't change the situation I am in. minkah everybody in my side of the family and his absolutely adore her especially my mum and MIL she has an amazing bond with both of them. I would still be with her alot myself because I'm choosing the reserves not fulltime army as I know that would cause issues for her

OP posts:

ChippingInLatteLover · 08/10/2014 14:07

I'm choosing the reserves not fulltime army as I know that would cause issues for her

Really, that's a big change of heart in what, 12 minutes?!

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 08/10/2014 14:10

I do want it to be my fulltime job but it just isn't practical in my situation right now. Yes, he wad the first man I have ever been with and I'm still with him now. I wad 17 when I lost my son. We fell pregnant far to quickly. I wouldn't even consider joining if I wasnt 100% sure. I'm 20 and young but when I say thus is what I want I mean it. My mum was in the reserves and managed to be a fulltime mum of 4! But she gave it up a regrets it. I've wanted this since a young age. I have been am explorer scout, shooting, done sports courses all because I wanted to be in the army

OP posts:

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 08/10/2014 14:12

Chipping if you read back I did say me and partner have spoke and agrees with me being a reserve. I haven't and have decided after speaking to him yesterday that right now I will stick with the reserves even though he said I can do either.

OP posts:

ChippingInLatteLover · 08/10/2014 14:13

What will being in the reserves involve - exactly?

ChippingInLatteLover · 08/10/2014 14:16

I have read ALL of your thread, every single post OK, so can you stop telling me to 'read the thread'.

I'm 20 and young but when I say thus is what I want I mean it

It makes you sound about 12. In the nicest possible way, you are a mum now, it's no longer All About You. You need to put HER first. What SHE needs, not what YOU want.

minkah · 08/10/2014 14:19

Your baby needs consistent love and care from a key figure or few key figures. How you manage that, is to be worked out in your family. If your mum is willing to be surrogate mother that will help you realise your goal.

Obviously the chief point of consideration is reliable consistent loving care for your baby.

Any child deprived of these elements is at risk of psychological and emotional damage likely to also be somatised into physical symptoms, but I'm sure you already know this.

Selfishness would be exposing your child to emotional damage, in order to pursue your own interests. In fact of course it would be considerably more serious than 'selfish'. It would be a failiure of mother - infant bonding.

But it doesn't sound as though you are contemplating neglect, or abandonment, or exposing a baby to inadequate or inconsistent care.

Boleh · 08/10/2014 14:20

I'm amazed at how vehement people are that it's perfectly OK for a man to be a father and in the army but not for a woman to be a mother and in the army.

OP - have you found the Army Rumour Service and Rear Party web forums? They are obviously mainly dominated by men in the services and women back home but you might be able to search out some other viewpoints.

It seems as though you have come to a reasonable compromise now anyway.

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 08/10/2014 14:25

Chipping if they needed me they call me in. Training is on weekends and nights. I would spend every weekday with her. I didn't word the bit you put in bold very well. But I have thought about this and my child comes first which is why after talking to my husband and reading the comments I know that joining the fulltime army now would be self-centred and I would only be doing it for me not my daughter. Which is why my mind changed quickly.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 08/10/2014 14:26

Boleh I havent. Where can I find it?

OP posts:

ChippingInLatteLover · 08/10/2014 14:28

Really boleh how many people on this thread have said that - please do go and count them.

Chipping if they needed me they call me in and then what?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 08/10/2014 14:29

As someone who has also lost a baby (stillbirth), I couldn't contemplate a career that meant being away from my subsequent children for that long. OP, are you sure you want to? I'm sorry for your loss.

Original poster

Hargreaves14 · 08/10/2014 14:34

Tooextra I'm going to apply for the reserves so I'm not away for long periods of time. I'm going to go in and discuss it with someone so I know 100% what I'm applying for as a reserve.

OP posts:

littlemslazybones · 08/10/2014 14:39

I always find it odd on these threads when posters insist that a man wouldn't feel guilty for behaving in such-and-such a manner - as if it is progress, as if it is a feminist agenda, for women to be as equally dismissive or blase about their child's security and attachment as their partners.

littlemslazybones · 08/10/2014 14:42

I worded that badly, not their own particular partners, but as men have and continue to do.

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