What is normal and what is emotional abuse?

[Lovedandexhausted]

I am not talking about shouting to parent/ for safety etc.

When you lose your temper and shout what is normal and what is emotional abuse - as in emotional abuse that would harm your child and their future happiness?

Some days I feel all I do is comment with obvious disappointment and exasperation. Shout for no real reason frequently and shame my dd. Show obvious annoyance. The shouting is very loud. I dont often shout swears or insults but I frequently say "for f**ks sake!" in an exasperated tone. I sometimes ask questions I know she cant answer with obvious anger and sarcasm "Why are you doing this???" and sometimes I say awful things "Why do you have to ruin everything? " "Why do you have to be such a horrible child?" "Stop being so annoying!" On very bad days I might shout 5-10 times a day. On a good day not at all. What is really normal?

I forgot to add I always apologise

what is the age of child?

I think that you need to take a deep breath and count to 10 before you react to your children. Walk away to another room so that you stop yourself from swearing and putting the child down "Why do you have to ruin everything ? " Imagine having this said to you repeatedly by the person you love. It is eventually going to have a serious effect on their emotional wellbeing and confidence.
The phrase "I love you but hate your behaviour " maybe is one to adopt so that you separate the child from the actions,then they might understand why mummy is cross but doesn't hate them as a person.
We have all had bad days as a parent but sometimes it is worth reflecting which is why you have posted.

Apologising is good, but it sound like you know you have to find a way to stop reacting in this way. Sometimes we expect our little people to behave in a more mature way than their years. Maybe you're sleep-deprived and overwhelmed. While dealing with the cause, have you heard of love bombing? It's a way to reconnect with your child and build their self-esteem. Some of the stuff here may help.

www.netmums.com/woman/health-and-happiness/making-mums-happy/q-a-oliver-james-author

Sounds like you're having a tough time. There is no such thing as "normal" every single day can be different.
For example, from about 5ish this evening I think I've shouted about 7 times. There are days where I am beyond Fed up with their behaviour, stuff that is the daily shit that has to be done. Put your shoes away , hang your coats up, flush the ducking toilet the list is endless. I can't offer you a magic cure, but I do take a deep breath before I really loose it, I draw my line at swearing and putting them down. It's taken me awhile to learn to gain self control in order to stop myself, when I think I'm past my line, I tell them to go to their rooms for 5 minutes while I calm down or I remove myself to another room. There are times where I still go a little too far but they are fewer now.

Try not to beat yourself up this parenting malarkey is flipping hard work and you don't get time off for good behaviour.

You need to try and find a coping mechanism that works for you. I sometimes just stop talking and walk away, my dh found using a random phrase that only made sense to us helped him calm down and think before he spoke(this was more to cope with mil but may work for you)

Some of what you have quoted yourself as saying is horrible for a child to have shouted at them. Credit for asking, but yes, I think you are straying into abusive.

I'm sorry OP but I think all the examples you give are over the line of what is ok. I know you love your DC. I think you need to get help to change the way you speak to them. I hope you can.

If you're asking as a way of comparing what you do with others, as a way of measuring what is within 'normal' levels then I'll add my situation. But I in no way mean this to make you feel bad.

On a weekly basis (3 or 4 times some days, none other days) I get irritated with one of my children over his lack of focus on tasks like shoes on/brush teeth and I shout. Never call him names but shout, pretty loud "will you get on with...." Then when he's done it, I have a little rant about his lack of focus. The other child rarely gets shouted at as he does pretty much what he's told first time round, but then he's 14. Younger one is 9 and lack of focus is normal at that age but irritating.

That's it I think. But at the moment, I'm in a good, calm place in life so it's easy to absorb the mess, noise and irritation of children. When I am stressed with work I feel more shouty.

Do you feel stressed or wound up in other areas of life loved? You're obviously asking for a reason. I'd say it's not normal to say those things to your child, but then you probably know that which why you're asking and is probably the first step in doing something about it.

I think when you are telling a child they ruin everything and they are horrible is abusive.

Most people I know shout at their kids to hurry up, eat breakfast, get shoes on and generally do as your told and why have you done that?! but putting them down, calling them names and attacking them as people is not right.

My dd is 2 and I don't often swear. The first two quotes are things ive said only a handful of times ever (not saying that that is ok) just to give perspective

How old is your DD? I think its a factor as my levels of being annoyed with my DCs have increased with age as I know that they know better.

It also depends on the context - much easier to be calm and detatched when everything in the rest of the garden is rosie which DCs don't always understand.

2 is a difficult age and maybe she's an expert at winding you up. But usually when children are winding up their parents they're just trying to get attention. And they need MASSES of chat and interaction at that age which can be draining.

Can you chunk your time into DD time when you don't check your phone, go on MN, or have any distractions, just really be with her chatting and playing and then separate out into your own time where she watches TV and you do your own thing.

2 year olds are exasperating (I have one too) but I think you are aware that some of the things you are saying and the way you say them aren't really going to help anyone. You just end up feeling like crap and your dd really isn't going to start acting any better for being shouted at like that.

In fact in my experience getting obviously annoyed with dd just ends up with her doing more infuriating things or getting more upset and then it all escalates into general horror.

So I think for your sanity and your dd's wellbeing you need to come up with some better strategies for dealing with these moments.

Sorry - just read your last post! I think if your DD is 2 you need to cut her some slack. Just remind yourself that she is 2. I read about a good technique once on here about pretending you have Supernanny or a TV camera looking over your shoulder. It helps with self control however annoyed you feel.

How sad at 2 to be blamed so harshly for ruining the day !!
Please rethink how you are dealing with her, she is learning about life and relationships from you.

To be honest I think a frustrated "fuck's sake" is neither here nor there really.

Why do you have to ruin everything/Why are you such a horrible child is veering into emotional abuse territory.

You should try every other possible option before angrily shouting loudly at a 2 year old, including walking away for a couple of minutes to decompress. What you describe is a very harsh and authoritarian parent, verging into emotional abuse. It will also not be helping your DDs behaviour in long run.

I am not a brilliant parent, but I have never shouted at, or sworn at, my 2 year old. Even when he has been at his most exasperating. I would never lay any emotional blame on him eg "ruined the day" etc. If your day is ruined (a childish reaction anyway) then it is your fault as the adult/parent for not managing your 2 year old.

Can I strongly suggest that you do some parenting classes to learn some strategies for handling what is normal behaviour from your DD.

OP it sounds like you're looking for discussion and possibly a plan on how to stay more in control when feeling exasperated. There's a thread either in Parenting or Behaviour/Development (sorry can't remember which topic I'm in!) called Come be a Better Parent in the Trenches or something which you might find helpful.

None of that seems normal to say to a 2yo. I do shout sometimes but more at my older one to hurry up/ put shoes on/ get out the door etc. I don't think I have ever really shouted at my 2yo. She is 2 and would be really scared if I shouted.

Ruin everything/horrible child/annoying - that's emotional abuse.

It sounds like you need some support. Get yourself to the GP and sort out some counselling/anger management.

Stop saying those things. It's not ok. Find some way of dealing with your exasperation and anger without criticising your child with such fury.

If you said to an adult, every day: you ruin everything, you're so annoying, you're horrible, it would be obvious it was abuse.

Your kid is two years old. She is vulnerable.

I know how it feels to be sleep derived and driven round the bend by a tantrumming two year old but you have to retrain yourself. You CAN contain it.

You don't have to not feel angry - you just have to contain it.

Good luck.

One fairly easy to implement guideline is to criticise the behaviour not the person.

So you say "It's really frustrating when I've planned a nice day and you don't seem to be enjoying it. Let's think where we go from here" rather than "You've ruined the day".

And instead of "stop being so annoying" you say "I don't like being jumped on, being asked 20 times for the same thing (or whatever is annoying you). I'd like it if you sat still on my lap, if you just asked once and listened to my answer" etc.

You get the idea. It becomes second nature once you start doing it.

And yes, comments that criticise the person are very hurtful and negatively impact on a child's sense of self in the long term.

Thanks for all your honest replies, I appreciate it. The irony is that I have read all the things, I follow all these gentle parenting things: peaceful parent happy kids, unconditional parenting, gentle parenting, non violent communication, I don't punish or reward, I practice attachment parenting, co sleeping, extended breastfeeding, i wear my daughter in a sling, I practice empathy, acknowledging her feelings, rupture and repair, I have been on a parenting course, I try my best, this is me when I lose my temper rather than ignorance, which i guess, makes it probably much worse. When I shouted at dd earlier I was distracted and she passed me a book, when I looked down it was "Why love matters" by sue gerhardt. This is what made me really question it all today.

I think you are personally attacking your child and that's not right

Are you honestly and truly happy co-sleeping, using a sling etc at the moment?

One of the things I get most frustrated about concerning my children is when I can't seem to get any space from them.

I wonder if this is the same for you? Do you have any time to yourself?