What is normal and what is emotional abuse?

[Lovedandexhausted]

I am not talking about shouting to parent/ for safety etc.

When you lose your temper and shout what is normal and what is emotional abuse - as in emotional abuse that would harm your child and their future happiness?

Some days I feel all I do is comment with obvious disappointment and exasperation. Shout for no real reason frequently and shame my dd. Show obvious annoyance. The shouting is very loud. I dont often shout swears or insults but I frequently say "for f**ks sake!" in an exasperated tone. I sometimes ask questions I know she cant answer with obvious anger and sarcasm "Why are you doing this???" and sometimes I say awful things "Why do you have to ruin everything? " "Why do you have to be such a horrible child?" "Stop being so annoying!" On very bad days I might shout 5-10 times a day. On a good day not at all. What is really normal?

I would def look at putting her in some kind of childcare for a day or 2 a week to give you a break. So what if it's to stop you getting so frustrated with her. She's 2 and 2 year olds can be extremely frustrating especially if you never get a break and she's very dependent on you.

My DS was very hard work at 2 and 3. Very clingy, constant tantrums about everything and a very poor sleeper. He was not a lot of fun to spend the day with tbh. What kept my sanity and our relationship on track was going to work 3 days a week and having that space while he was at nursery. Without that I honestly would have lost it at him a lot of times. I have a short temper and I often had to walk away from him - a couple of times I did shout at him which I'm not proud of. We have a great relationship now he's nearly 5 and he is much easier to deal with.

Loved reading through the posts you don't come across as an abusive parent, you come across as someone who is doing it all without a break and is thoroughly exhausted. I have tremendous amounts of respect for single parents, it's a really hard job in a relationship, but not to have someone to offload to at the end of a day must be hard and you evidently care massively or you wouldn't be posting.

I've got two toddlers with 11 months between them. DD is 26 months and just started nursery. She loves it and it's been a godsend. I was really struggling to manage both of them and DH has been unavailable a lot in recent months due to work commitments. I'm on my own until 10 every night lately. I've muttered 'ffs' myself a few times and had full on fishwife days.

When I can't cope I remove myself or them to calm down. I'm also trying the old 'if you can't say anything nice don't say anything' and when I feel angry I just zip it, as it's amazing how harsh words add fuel to the fire and make you feel angrier inside. Also if she tantrums a lot try ear plugs. I've a low tolerance for lots of screaming and whining and sometimes I need to put them in to bring the level down and cope better because if you're feeling frustrated and the screaming and yelling starts, it can make you feel like you might explode. I do have two mind you so the noise can be epic!

I think you sound like you're doing a great job but you need some space on a regular basis.

I agree with you needing some space and time to yourself. Nursery? Playgroup? Swaps with friends? Child-minder/baby sitter?

It's not a 'cop out', but a sensible response to feeling angry, exhausted and stressed.

It's a very modern, Western idea that a single person (usually a woman) should meet 99% or more of their child's needs with no or very little support for herself. It's bonkers - and at some level you know it's bonkers, which is why you're so aware that you're losing it a bit at times and asking for help/advice.

I completely agree with the poster who says that a woman doing 24/7 child care is actually very unusual from a global perspective - it is not at all how humans evolved to live:cope .... For most of our time on this earth we lived in small communities and each child would have had several key adults in their life. Mothers didn't stop normal life they carried on their role in the community - the name for the other adults is aloe parents ... I read this in a v interesting book called the way we lived then - I think - by an anthropologist

Anyway - I read this op and wondered if you have set yourself unrealistic goals as a parent because you had an unhappy childhood you are scared of recreating

I can tell you I have a 2.5 year old and if he didn't go to child care I would without doubt be losing my temper with him as you describe - but I know I need time away from him .. And I have a partner an am not still breast feeding ... You have it much harder than me!

Personally I suggest you acknowledge your need for support. - paying for child care from a lovely childminder or nursery is just a modern way of recreating family and society bonds. To my son his child minder is like another granny/auntie - he doesn't know I pay her!

Your daughter will benefit from having other relationships and you can just sit and breathe and after a break you will relish the time that you do have with her !

Yes thank you for your replies. I am terrified of creating a bad childhood for my daughter. I don't feel my parents were extreme in their behaviours particularly and I have had serious detrimental effects from it. I feel I emulate my parents when I am very angry and knowing the developmental effects to the brain that abuse can cause I worry an awful lot about what effect I may be having.