Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Why is taking care of babies always optional for husbands

78 replies

dcs27 · 30/08/2014 22:02

...

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LittleBearPad · 30/08/2014 23:48

So if you didn't tell him to bath your din whilst you cooked dinner would he just sit on his bum?

How long for?

Does he actually have any nous

scottishmummy · 30/08/2014 23:50

Its essentially whether or not the female and male,revert to gender stereotypes
And the baggage and expectation one brings to a relationship.conscious and unconscious
And if you have a male wage earner,woman housewife youre enacting and enabling gender sterotype

DiaDuit · 30/08/2014 23:52

I was raised never having to lift a finger. my mum martyred herself. (still does- it's infuriating) I didn't know how to boil pasta when I left home. when my son was born it was the first nappy I had ever changed. I'd never used a washing machine or ironed anything. never put bleach in a toilet or stripped a bed to wash the sheets. I very quickly learned. it really is not at all difficult to realise that when you eat off a plate, it needs washed or that when you put rubbish in a bin, it will get full or that the clothes you take off at night don't have legs to walk to the washing machine and jump in.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General parenting

QTPie · 30/08/2014 23:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

DiaDuit · 31/08/2014 00:03

Do you expect a person to be considerate to you?

the person I share a home with? the person whose children I am raising, whose meals I am cooking or house I am cleaning? umm yes I do. I really do. not in an ideal world, in this very real world. I feel really sorry for you that you don't value yourself enough to expect this very basic consideration from your partner. the person who you have chosen to share your life, home and child with.

We have a choice of working with what we have or walking away

walking away is a valid choice and shouldn't be dismissed as an option. it is always an option. you do not have to accept being treated in a way you deem unacceptable. you do not have to 'make do' with what he decides to give you.

DiaDuit · 31/08/2014 00:06

to be clear- I expect the same consideration from my children (age appropriate) as I would a live in partner. my eldest is 9 and will ask if there is anything to be done before he starts his homework. he will automatically empty a full bin or ask if there is anything else to go in the machine before he switches it on. my youngest (5) has decided that doing dishes is his job, he also will grab a duster and just go off and dust without asking or being asked.

DiaDuit · 31/08/2014 00:08

What do you suggest she does?

I said up thread what I suggested she do. and you agreed with me.

aubreye · 31/08/2014 00:12

Is that the case always? My DH is more than helpful enough. Takes the kids out, comforts them, helps them with homework and even dressed up as a fairy this morning for DD2.

RJnomore · 31/08/2014 00:15

Qt I think you have this back to front.

People live up to your expectations of them mostly. If you think you are worthy of consideration you will be treated as such.

clam · 31/08/2014 00:24

My dh grew up with a (lovely) mum who did absolutely everything for him. The one thing he was required to do each week was to drop his dirty laundry over the banisters into the hall below for her to wash, iron and return to his wardrobes. Oh, and to fetch pudding from the kitchen and serve it on Saturdays.

He bloody pulls his weight and more since he's been married to me! WHY do some women tolerate this shit?

QTPie · 31/08/2014 00:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

DiaDuit · 31/08/2014 00:38

I dont live with a partner. My children's father was what you would describe as "not naturally considerate" ( i describe it as lazy and overall happy to leave jobs that didnt interest him to me and not suited to being a cohabitee) i had calm talks and he would change for maybe a day or an afternoon so i made the decision that he didnt deserve to share a home with me and he left. The people i currently share my home with do it with respect to me and each other and will be expected to do so for as long as they live here.

DiaDuit · 31/08/2014 00:38

Btw a quicker way to say "not naturally considerate" is "inconsiderate"

DiaDuit · 31/08/2014 00:46

Does he really do 50% of all tasks? Without you ever having to ask/remind? He offers to do things all the time? All of the time? Never any disagreements/arguments? If so, hats off, completely.

Fwiw i know men exactly like this. They do exist however they dont 'offer' to do things because it isnt their partner's job to 'give' the job to them. You dont 'offer' to wash the dishes in your own house. You just do them. You might offer to run your partner a bath, or offer to iron their outfit for going out while you are doing your shirts but you just do the ordinary chores because they are yours as much as your partners. You dont need to ask or be asked.

TaraKnowles · 31/08/2014 00:50

If my dh acted like a child I would not find him attractive.

scottishmummy · 31/08/2014 00:55

If my partner couldn't shop for own attire,yes that'd be deeply unappealing
I dont need to infantalise adult man,or make convoluted excuses why he needs pants bought
Imo,speaks volumes about roles a woman deems acceptable and view of males

splendide · 31/08/2014 07:01

Language around this stuff is so important. I don't mean to pile in but Dia is exactly right on this! To say "offers to" is extremely telling. He isn't doing you a favour when he does some childcare or washes up, it's his house too!

I honestly despair that so many people still think in this way - that the domestic sphere is all women's responsibility and if she's lucky she might land a man who deigns to help. MN has been educational but depressing in this aspect for me.

blacktreaclecat · 31/08/2014 07:09

My H isn't like this at all. He looks after me and DS when he's home. He definitely does at least his fair share. 2 cups of tea in bed every morning, he sorts the cats litter trays, breakfast in bed on my work days. He does nursery drop off and pick up. Always does bath time. He will happily get up with DS at weekends but now DS is too he "needs my mummy".
Mine came well trained already ( thanks mil!) you could have a go but it might be tricky.

foxinthebox · 31/08/2014 07:10

Dh is much more proactive in the house than I am and is a fully capable parent, it's only cooking that he doesn't do, but that's because i love it and hate doing the washing up. We share everything else when we are both at home.

thatsn0tmyname · 31/08/2014 07:42

My partner is very hands on with the children and I am very lucky. However, we do negotiate a lot. For example, we take in turns to have time off to go camping with friends or just sit in Costa for a couple of hours. You scratch my back etc.

LittleBearPad · 31/08/2014 09:25

DH is very good in the house and just gets on with stuff. And it's because his mum taught him to iron shirts, cook, Hoover etc. he's better than me

Trapper · 31/08/2014 09:35

So you are tarring all husbands because you are incapable of chosing a life partner who can pull his own weight in a relationship? Right-ho.
If it makes you feel better to blame society/men/mothers from previous generations, then go for it. Alternatively acknowledge this is an issue that is specific to your relationship with your partner, and you two are the only ones that can fix it. If it is unfixable then you have two options: live with it, or LTB.

RiverTam · 31/08/2014 09:59

Does he really do 50% of all tasks? Without you ever having to ask/remind? He offers to do things all the time? All of the time? Never any disagreements/arguments? If so, hats off, completely.

yep, my DH does this, and more. I don't consider myself lucky.

QT, your posts depress me because you seem to have very little sense of self-worth, to live expecting no consideration from others, including your own DH, is beyond depressing.

As for the lass who is looking forward to moving in with a man she knows is incredibly lazy, on the basis that he will earn the money to pay for a cleaner - Christ, have we been transported back to the 50s?

What a bloody depressing thread.

QTPie · 31/08/2014 12:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

partyskirt · 31/08/2014 19:32

OP just wait until you are both downstairs with baby and say 'I'm going for a bath and nap - back down in a few hours' and just go upstairs. If that's what he does he'll understand it and he will just have to step up. I think just dump him in it -- if you spend too long supervising him he will not really take charge iyswim.

Flip

1 2 3 4