I've just received the lunch and snack menu for DS's new preschool and I know he won't eat any of it. Bollocks.

[Mrsfrumble]

He's 3.8 and very fussy. He would spit out most vegetables even as a baby. If I'm honest I've sort of given up trying to broaden his diet because so much food was being wasted. He eats a lot of sandwiches and pasta, and I blend veggies into tomato sauce for pizza topping and pasta sauce. He will eat meat and some fruit, and I think I manage to get a reasonably balanced diet into him; I certainly think things could be worse when I see some of the threads on here by posters despairing of their picky eaters.

I knew there would be a potential problem when he started preschool, but I was hoping peer pressure would help a bit. He went to childminder between the age of 12 months and 2 and would eat most things there because the other children were eating (and because the childminder was some kind of Mary Poppinsesque miracle worker. I miss her!).

The preschool is Montessori and markets itself as Eco-friendly so I knew it would be a bit lentil-weavery, but having just got the handbook through in an email I'm taken aback by the menu. It's gluten-free and vegetarian, and pretty much consists of quinoa and steamed veggies. No packed lunches allowed. DS is going to starve! He's due to be there 3 days a week from 8.30-3.

I feel like a crap parent because I he doesn't eat these things. I knew his diet wasn't brilliant but thought we were doing okay and that his tastes would broaden as he got older (I was an exceptionally fussy child but now eat almost anything). What am I going to do?

I would assume the dairy free cakes are because they have some vegan or dairy intolerant children there, it'll be relatively easy to adapt the lunch menus for those dcs to be vegan/dairy free, but don't want those dcs to have to just miss out on cake/treats for birthdays.

Op, your ds will eat a range when there, he's already proved at the childminder that when round other children he can eat a range of foods, don't stress about it.

I certainly had no intentions of 'letting' dd be fussy. It was a huge nuisance and point of stress. She was treated in exactly the same way as her brother who ate pretty much everything. It is not at all uncommon for different children to approach food differently, some are very suspicious, some have more sensitive taste buds, or issues with sensitivities to strong tastes or textures. And some will eat so little they become very unwell.

Certainly if there was even a small amount of something unfamiliar on dd's plate she would completely refuse to touch anything, and if pressured get very very upset. We found a buffet style approach worked best and over time she overcame whatever issues she had and within a few years ate a wide range of food.

I assumed that too MaryWestmacott. I also wonder if the owner or her own children (who are small and may be attending the preschool, I'm not sure) have gluten issues, hence the gluten-free aspect of the menu.

Thanks again for all the reassurance. I do feel a bit insecure and guilty about his eating habits. I don't think I've pandered to him, but I admit that especially after his little sister was born I probably took the easier route of sticking mainly to things he liked, as there is a wide enough range amongst the food DH and I eat and have in the house to make sure DS gets an adequate and balanced diet (homemade chilli and bolognaise, bread, hummus, fruit, stir fry etc.) Apart from the childminder this is the first time he been looked after and fed by anyone but me, so it's not been an issue before.

Sounds like whoever formulated the menu policy doesn't have much of a clue tbh!

There is gluten (barley and possibly oats), I think they actually mean "wheat free" menu rather than "gluten free" or "grain free".

I'm in a similar situation, DC about to start outdoor nursery soon (no kitchen, so packed lunches), and he is very limited after being an "eat anything" baby (meat, dried fruit and chips are virtually all he will eat despite our best efforts)! We have some allergy issues too. I'm just going to send him with a suitable "normal" packed lunch and hope peer pressure works... If it doesn't, well he's not going to starve, he will come come hungry and eat a bigger dinner.

DD was fussy at home and after a hunger strike that went on for 2 weeks at nursery she ended up eating without problems. I thought it would be the same at school. However she refused to eat the food there and after 3 months the school asked me to provide her with packed lunches. After 2 years, we are about to try school dinners again.

DS1 eats very little at home v, v, fussy but eats reasonably well at nursery. Not amazingly, but ok. When he turns up his nose at my fish pie I exclaim that he eats it at nursery, and with a look of exasperation he patiently explain that he eats the nursery one, not mine. Okayyyyyy? He will also be having hot dinners at school in September which mildly worries me because I am sure he will eat very little and is also a very slow eater. Still, I see it as his problem rather than mine!

Montessori have a reputation for being very caring, so they won't let him starve and will call you if there is a problem.

Some of the menu sounds nice, some sounds a bit odd. I suppose it depends how it's presented as well though - the hard boiled egg could be sliced nicely etc.

The one thing that did make me though is the sweet peas - sweet peas are flowers, and the pods and peas from them are actually poisonous. I wouldn't want DC accidentally eating those because "we have them at nursery", when the nursery really mean garden peas, sugarsnaps or similar.

Out of that menu my 4.5 DS would eat the rice and that's it! But he eats very little at the nursery he's been at for nearly 4 yrs now and they have a more standard menu. Most days he has either some mashed potato, rice, plain pasta or baked beans and very little else. He does though eat a good breakfast at home and then a big dinner (of things he will eat) with us at the end of the day. Whether he is better at school is a big question but I'll be picking him up with a big snack each day.

People who say your child won't starve or kids are only fussy if you let them be really don't have fussy eaters themselves IME. After a lot of work by us and the lovely staff at nursery, he will actually try new food now but he generally doesn't like most of it.

As somebody else has said, the gluten and dairy free cakes thing may be because they have children with allergies. If this is the case, they should have told you so.

As the mother of a child with severe allergies, including dairy, I would not be allowing him to eat home made birthday cake made by someone I didn't know in a kitchen I hadn't seen, just because it was supposed to be dairy free. So many people make mistakes, don't realise about cross contamination or hidden dairy - and the consequences of a mistake could be very serious. If this dairy free cakes policy is because of allergy, I think it is extremely misguided, and possibly downright dangerous. My ds has a treat box in school do that he can choose something safe as an alternative when other children are eating birthday cake.

Also, it is not easy to make a nice tasting dairy and gluten free cake unless you practise a lot!

The gluten and dairy thing sounds bonkers and very ill thought out, and that menu doesn't seem very high in fat to me. However, the outdoor play sounds lovely.

Ds is a brilliant eater but even he might struggle with that menu. Having said that, if I liked the nursery enough I'd probably prepare bu giving him a big breakfast and having a snack ready when I collected him. I do think children respond to peers though so it might actually be a turning point for you. I've found that because ds spends so much mental and physical energy at pre school that I do believe he'd eat a scabby donkey if it was put in front of him!