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Parenting

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Original poster

Is there ever a time when you'd advise your DS to hit back?

120 replies

Saturn74 · 09/09/2006 11:31

DS2 is 8yo. He is a chatty and friendly child, quite sturdy and certainly not oversensitive IMO. We are friends with another family, who have a 9yo son. Their son taunts DS when he thinks they're out of earshot, and gets very physical with him. It starts off as rough and tumble, but soon gets out of hand, and my son often ends up getting hurt. I have waited for my friend to step in and tell her son that this behaviour is not acceptable, but she doesn't, so I now tell him. (I think I am now seen as a controlling and over-strict old witch, but hey ho!) It still doesn't stop though, and I am sick of feeling that I cannot leave this 9yo to play with my child without watching him like a hawk. My DH says that the only thing to stop this child thinking he can ride roughshod over our DS is to advise DS to retaliate physically. Is he right? I have considered stopping seeing this other family, but everyone else gets on really well, and I am loathe to give a 9yo the power to decide who we socialise with. The 9yo also makes a great show of saying how my DS2 is his best friend in front of his mother - and puts his arm round his shoulders etc. GRRRRR . Advice please.

OP posts:

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Peridot30 · 09/09/2006 17:26

my ds has just started in primary1 and ive told him that if anyone hits him he has to hit back. told him never to hit first but that he needs to stick up for himself.

dinosaur · 09/09/2006 17:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

kittywits · 09/09/2006 17:49

Given the aggressive nature of some of your previous postings on other threads Greensleeves, I'm amazed to hear that your children don't take after you. Maybe you just don't see it?

Interesting you're sending your children to fighting classes, we send ours to gymnastics and football.

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Greensleeves · 09/09/2006 17:54

But I think they do take after me, kittywits DS1 is learning to defend himself verbally without resorting to hitting others.

And of course you don't send your children to learn self-defence. They are learning at home how to use violence to achieve their aims.

QueenEagle · 09/09/2006 17:57

Giving ds2 the go ahead to hit back would also mean he would end up in far more scrapes. ds1 on the other hand is much more of a softy and I know telling him to hit back (I have in the past) would be a one off situation. ds2 would manipulate the situation so he could hit someone and then say it was self defence. Like I said before it's down to how well you know your child(ren).

btw ladies, let's not have handbags eh

Greensleeves · 09/09/2006 18:02

I don't think it would be fair to let another thread go the way of our last "encounter" kittywits - we're not realistically going to change one another's minds, are we?

On the OP - I think I agree with Fillyjonk and others that the best thing to do, if your friend can't or won't address her son't bullying behaviour, would be to stop seeing them. It is sad though, the bully is probably unhappy too.

kittywits · 09/09/2006 18:45

A pacifist sending their children to fight-school? I've no chance of changing your mind Greensleeves!

Greensleeves · 09/09/2006 18:58

Martial arts training is hardly "fight-school", kittywits. Don't be childish.

kittywits · 09/09/2006 19:02

Martial arts IS fight school, Greensleeves!! Try telling Bruce Lee it isn't !! ( well obviously you can't now 'cos he's dead)

Greensleeves · 09/09/2006 19:05

Bruce Lee? Oh, kittywits. Do you know anyone real who has martial arts experience? You shouldn't believe everything you see on the television, you know

I agree about your not having much chance of changing my mind though. And I have similarly little chance of changing yours (without the aid of a crowbar and a team of transplant surgeons). So shall we stop this now? Or would you prefer to bicker for a bit longer?

kittywits · 09/09/2006 19:07

Bruce Lee WAS real at least his son and wife thought so .!!! yes let's stop now

airy · 09/09/2006 19:07

Don't be ridiculous, martial arts isn't fight school! Martial arts are about learning respect, gaining confidence and learning how and most importantly when to utilise the martial art.
Any child in a martial art class thats any good would never be tougt to hit back in a bullying situation.

heymissymum · 09/09/2006 19:13

Apologies if this has been mentioned already and I agree with airy's comments about being verbal and the bully does seem to be a little manipulative (sorry), eg. insisting on his friendship in front of the adults. Therefore pull the bully up in front of the adults - raise the point and ask him so why have you been hitting my son - expect an answer and hopefully he or his mother will have to explain and apologise and deal with the issue - I have good friends and I would not be offended if an issue like this was raised - ie. if my dd highly unlikely was hitting another I'd want to know and I'd do something about it

kittywits · 09/09/2006 19:13

What about Bruce Lee then? I think he only ever fought in self defence and that's what I think children should do if physically attacked.
It's nothing different to what most people here are saying though.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/09/2006 19:16

From what I know, martial arts involve learning to defend yourself, avoid blows etc, rather than (necessarily) hitting back.

Kittywits, I gather from other threads that you believe in corporal punishment - are your children allowed to hit you back?

kittywits · 09/09/2006 19:17

Now that IS a very silly question

airy · 09/09/2006 19:18

Kittywits if a child is being physically attacked, and cannot shout for help ie no adults around within earshot then of course they should defend themselves, but there's a world of difference between using controlled defensive techniques taught in martial arts and just thumping the other kid.
It really isn't like the violent stuff you watch in films!
Getting away from a situation like that would always be preferable to hitting back imo.

kittywits · 09/09/2006 19:22

I agree with almost all you say Airy but martial arts is fighting, whichever way you look at it.

babyboo1and2 · 09/09/2006 19:30

i had this problem with my son (with a friend and with a family member). With the friend i ended up seeing just her and our boys rarely see each other, we find it hard to discuss (she is very sensitive about his behaviour) and i have just put it down to a clash of personalities between the boys. i used to feel very cross with my friend for not intervening when my son was getting clobbered but then my own son went through a very short period of pushing another friends daughter and i noticed that i intervend numerous times at first but then tried to ignore it a bit so i didnt get into a negative cycle of telling my son off - so now on the rare occassions our sons do meet and she doesnt intervene i just tell myself she is doing this and i take on the big bad witch role to her boy (i have no problem with other adults telling my son off if he deserves it)

I have had to tackle the issue with the family member differently as obviously the boys see each other regularly - i have instructed my son to come to me and say xxxx has hit me, i then allow xxx to explain his version of events and then i tell xxxx that my son will hurt him back if he does it again - sometimes he does and my son knows he is allowed to hit back and sometimes they play nicely together for the remainder of the time they are together. As my son is getting older (8 yrs) i have tried to explain how the other family member finds it hard to control his emotion/fists and have encouraged my son to simply withdraw from playing with him until he says sorry. i would say my son uses both these strategies half and half so i dont believe allowing him to hit back has made him feel he can use aggression to solve every situation he faces.

By the way, i enrolled my son at je-jitsu a few years back and it has done his confidence the world of good.

i do not believe in violence but at the same time nor do i want my son to be a 'victim' in such situations - i believe there are numerous ways to enpower youngsters to overcome these situations, hitting back once in a while is one of them imo

Jalexandra · 09/09/2006 19:31

I agree with you kittywits. If my ds was being bullied I would hope he could defend himself, even if it meant giving the bully a push or a thump. We can't expect young children to negotiate verbally when they are being physically attacked. They need to feel they can defend themselves.

airy · 09/09/2006 19:37

Martial arts isn't fighting kittywits, martial arts is defence and there is a massive difference between the two.
A child who is proficient in a martial art could probably stop themselves being attacked without hurting the other child.

kittywits · 09/09/2006 19:38

I really don't understand why this is such a contentious issue. You need to arm your children with a whole plethora of defence methods and as jalexandra says a thump or punch is one of them.

kittywits · 09/09/2006 19:40

Airy it's still using physical contact as a defence method !!!!

schneebly · 09/09/2006 19:42

I wouldn't advise DS to 'hit back' as such but would encourage him to defend himself.

Jalexandra · 09/09/2006 19:47

What about if an adult tried to hurt your child. Surely everyone would want them to hit/kick/bite/scream until they got away. Would they be confident to do this if they had never been taught to physically defend themselves?

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