Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Is there ever a time when you'd advise your DS to hit back?

120 replies

Saturn74 · 09/09/2006 11:31

DS2 is 8yo. He is a chatty and friendly child, quite sturdy and certainly not oversensitive IMO. We are friends with another family, who have a 9yo son. Their son taunts DS when he thinks they're out of earshot, and gets very physical with him. It starts off as rough and tumble, but soon gets out of hand, and my son often ends up getting hurt. I have waited for my friend to step in and tell her son that this behaviour is not acceptable, but she doesn't, so I now tell him. (I think I am now seen as a controlling and over-strict old witch, but hey ho!) It still doesn't stop though, and I am sick of feeling that I cannot leave this 9yo to play with my child without watching him like a hawk. My DH says that the only thing to stop this child thinking he can ride roughshod over our DS is to advise DS to retaliate physically. Is he right? I have considered stopping seeing this other family, but everyone else gets on really well, and I am loathe to give a 9yo the power to decide who we socialise with. The 9yo also makes a great show of saying how my DS2 is his best friend in front of his mother - and puts his arm round his shoulders etc. GRRRRR . Advice please.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NotQuiteCockney · 09/09/2006 13:00

I don't think hitting back is ever ok. Get away, leave someone be etc etc.

Fact is, hitting back just leads to more hitting. No thanks.

I do think judo or similar is a very good idea, my DS1 is very eager to take martial arts and will no doubt start soon.

QueenEagle · 09/09/2006 13:02

So what's the difference between using a martial art to defend yourself and a good old smack in the gob? Both amount to the same thing- both are defending yourself.

???

TooTicky · 09/09/2006 13:04

Fillyjonk, you're back! You are the same Fillyjonk, aren't you?

My dp advises hitting back but I don't. He had to be tough when he was young, though - his mum insisted on it. I'm very non-confrontational but had a grotty time at school so can see why people would want to hit back.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Greensleeves · 09/09/2006 13:06

There's a huge difference between a defensive martial art strategy and a "smack in the gob". One is purely defensive, inflicts no injury and is entirely designed to limit the damage the aggressor can do. The other is an act of violence designed to harm. They are worlds apart.

gothicmama · 09/09/2006 13:09

This is a tough one - I have always taught dd that hitting is wrong and to try to deal with issues with other children by reporting it / moving away etc.however when these fail then I have said it is ok to hit back, my parents advice when /I as little was similar to pink tulips don't hit first but hit back, everyopne has the right to dwefend themselves and sometimes the more diplomatic ways create more trouble. I guess a balance needs to be drawn as to when self defence is appropriate.
What does you r ds say does it upset him do you want to stay friends could this lad be doing it to wind you up so many questions sorry!
if you and ds want to stay friends then I would advocate a one time only hit back policy and se if that makes a difference otherwise give up on metting your friend with the boys in tow

TooTicky · 09/09/2006 13:10

So, (slight digression) what is the best martial art for primary school age children? And are they all hideously expensive?

littlerach · 09/09/2006 13:11

Tricky one really.

Only advice is what we tell DD1 who had a boy push her at a horrid soft play centre. Stand up, walk away, and if he follows you, scream loudly, "Leave me alone".

She's only done this the once, but goodness, it did work!!!

littlerach · 09/09/2006 13:12

TooTicky, are you in Melksham?

If so, try wilts school of Gym, they may do courses, or there used to be one on White Horse Business Park that held classes for all ages.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/09/2006 13:14

Yes, martial arts tend to include information about defending rather than attacking, about avoiding blows etc etc. They also can (I think) give people the physical confidence that makes them less likely to be targetted by bullies anyway.

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 13:14

I am indeed. I am detoxing after a summer of festivals

Do you think if we both shout together VERY LOUDLY then someone will tell us about martial arts for younger children?

I think young kids desperately need self defence taught to them, tbh. Playgrounds are vile places.

Greensleeves · 09/09/2006 13:15

Agree with NQC that just knowing they can defend themselves if needed gives a child an advantage - inner confidence shows.

NotQuiteCockney · 09/09/2006 13:15

Our local church has some sort of martial art thing going on, dunno how expensive it is. My DS1 is not yet 5, and his new school does extracurricular martial arts, which seems the easiest (ok laziest) option ...

My brother's kids all do martial arts, and it seems to work well for them.

JoolioTooterini · 09/09/2006 13:16

my two ds's did judo - only for about 12 months though! I can't remember why they gave it up tbh - maybe I made them cos I was their practise partner .

Ds2, in particular still uses things he learned at judo - he's a police officer!

The classes are great fun but disciplined. The kids can be partnered against all different ages and sizes (within reason) so they learn that size is not really an issue. I remember when ds1 was doing one of his belts, he had someone in a hold on the floor and I was screaming from the sidelines 'Hold him! hold him!'

Judo teaches you also that sometimes you 'lose'

Greensleeves · 09/09/2006 13:17

I'd go for judo for a younger child, personally. The basics are quite easy to grasp and IMO it's the most defensive and least aggressive martial art. And I know there are classes for kids even as young as 3 or 4 in some areas.

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 13:18

i do quite fancy this for ds.

he seldom lashes out first, but retaliates out of all proportion.

Is there a british judo association or similar?

JoolioTooterini · 09/09/2006 13:21

this is an American site but has good info

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 13:24

oooooh....I want to do judo

maybe i will..

i am built like a navvy, after all.

interesting...

QueenEagle · 09/09/2006 13:26

But those kids who have never learned a martial art have no means to defend themselves other than to hit back with a punch or a kick.

I always advise my kids to walk away and seek other means to sort out difficulties. ds1 had trouble with one particular boy who picked on him relentlessly. ds1 warned him and warned that he would one day give him a taste of his own medicine. And one day he did just that. The boy has never touched him agagin since.

Steppy1 · 09/09/2006 13:32

first and foremost I would teach him respect for others, to talk to him about telling the other person that you don't like it, to remove yourself from the situation (by running away, to a teacher or another adult present) and then, as a last option to defend himself by whatever means that is.

My brother was under serious threat of serious assault whilst in his twenties in a garage filling up with petrol...nobody intervened whilst he was being phsyically and verbally threatened..having issued a "back" off warning (the two culprits laughed in his face and saw this as encouragement) he defended himself by giving them both a sharp punch in the stomach which winded them both. he then went into the garage, got them to call the police and the men (they were in their twenties) were subsequently arrested and jailed (similar instances) What they hadn't reckened in was that my brother was at that time one of the country's top amateur boxing champions .... (he's quite short so was always picked on at school which is why my dad decided to take him somewhere so that he could learn to defend himself).... and a royal marine comando so had been trained in how to defend himself, if he hadn't done that god knows what would have happened to him on that night....

As a PS the two men had knives in their car......

My brother, by the way, is one of the most kindest and gentlemenly gentlemen that you could come across who would ALWAYS avoid violence at any cost.....but agrees that knowing that he can "look after himself" gives him an inner confidence..

kittywits · 09/09/2006 15:48

Greensleeves, teaching your children to turn the other cheek is all well and good in theory. In an adult world with years of experience and the ability to reason. In my opinion however this disarms your childen and lays them vunerable to attack. How does it help them if someone gives them a whack, there are no adults around , how are they supposed to defend themselves? Are they supposed to reason with the agressor, walk away? That's really going to stop it happeneing again!!! It doesn't help the child in anyway, especially not at secondary school. It lays them much more open to bullying if other children know these kids won't defend theselves.
I don't want my kids to to go around fighting but other children need to know that my kids will defend themselves physically if they have to and my kids need to know they can protect themselves too.

it is not fair to foist passifist ideals on children

NotQuiteCockney · 09/09/2006 16:21

Hmm, I know that being allowed to "hit back" would mean my DS1 would escalate violent situations. I can see that "no hitting back ever" is not a sensible rule for adults in all situations, and I certainly agree (as does Greensleeves, by her posts) that kids should learn self-defense.

Maybe if my DS1 was less ... boisterous? Or was older, or a girl? I would feel differently, or might be inclined to have a more complicated rule, but for us, now, the rule is "no hitting ever".

NotQuiteCockney · 09/09/2006 16:22

Oh, if hitting back is ok, do you believe in corporal punishment? (Some of you seem to ...) In which case, can they hit you back if you hit them?

FillyjonktheBananaEater · 09/09/2006 16:30

Self-defence is not just about not hitting back though, it is about preventing a situation from escalating to a point where a fight occurs.

A lot of it is learning to stand, speak etc to avoid escalating a conflict.

As a student I did some care work. I worked with some extremely violent and thus also very vunerable adults with learning disabilities. We were trained to first and formost, to act confident, then to diffuse a situation by how you stand and with your tone of voice. Only absolutely finally did we learn the physical self-defence part (blocking punches, that sort of thing. Most useful. I use them today when my kids get hold of my hair). All this while not harming the adults, mentally or physically. In short, it worked.

Greensleeves · 09/09/2006 16:43

I've no intention of foisting pacifist (sic) on my children, kittywits. Neither of them is naturally aggressive in any case, and ds1 is becoming pretty adept at defending himself verbally . I plan to send them for martial arts training when they are a little older, for the reasons outlined, which I think will help. And I will make a point of being in close contact with teachers and school staff, as I do already, which IME also helps a little.

But no, I won't be teaching them to solve their problems with their fists. IMO that would be foisting something far worse on them than pacifist ideals. But then - my children aren't yet familiar with the mindset that violence is the way to control others' behaviour, unlike yours, kittywits.

noseymum · 09/09/2006 16:47

My son was getting a small problem at nursery.We told him to say loudly "stop it". This will alert adults that there is a problem. We also tell him to keep away from any child that continues to be nasty to him. Even go as far as saying "I don't want to play with you because you hurt me".

In your case, I would definately stop seeing this family. The Mother obviously hasn't got a clue if she doesn't know that she needs to stop her son when he continues to do this!!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5