How do you stop being resentful of your partner's social life?

[Writerwannabe83]

I have an 11 week old DS who is exclusively breast fed. This obviously ties me to him but that's absolutely fine as it's my preferred method of feeding.

My DH is wonderful, I'm not complaining about him at all.....but sometimes I feel so resentful that he gets to live his life whilst mine is halted.

It's not even that I want some 'me time' as I absolutely love being with DS, I hate being parted from him (I have left him someone for 30 minutes and it felt awful) but sometimes I just wish that when I am stuck at home I didn't feel so jealous of my DH's freedom.

He's just left now to go and play Zorb Football and then go out for a meal whereas I'm sat at home with a sleeping baby listening to it rain heavily outside and know I'm destined for another day indoors.

Pre-DS we always did things together and now DH still does the same things except I'm normally not there anymore.

I don't begrudge it him, I would never stop him doing anything and he is brilliant with DS and the care of him is shared....but sometimes, I just want to scream at him and say, "Don't you realise how f**king lucky you are!!" when he takes it for granted how easily he can just jump in his car and have his free time.

OP, your last post makes me feel a little worried. Obviously I don't know what happened in the hospital, but it is sad that you can't talk to DH about it and that it is making you feel so anxious about leaving DS and that you are being a bad mum (which I am sure you are not - it's obvious from your posts).

Is there anyone you can talk to about it? Maybe your GP? I think a counselling session might help you before your feelings of guilt and anxiety get worse.

Be kind to yourself OP. This parenting lark is hard enough without placing unreasonable expectations on yourself.

Been there!

You both need a social life, you also need time on your own together.

I got too absorbed with dd. I totally lost myself and just became dds mummy. Aldo the invites of my friends dried up.

When me and dp did have a meal out alone all I could talk about was dd as I had nothing else to talk about . I bored myself!!

Get some independence back !

Thanks everyone, your advice has been taken on board and I agreed for DH to take DS out for a few hours this morning to give me a break. Although I missed DS and worried about him, I did survive

When I look back on what happened in hospital I know that when I'm thinking clearly its nothing to beat myself up over, but I have some days where I just feel sad about it. I spoke to my HV about it a few months ago and had a cry to her and she said I was being far too hard on myself.

Me and DH have made plans for Thursday evening and Saturday evening which involves me facing the real world and people besides my DS

You don't need to tell us what happened in hospital; but I have a feeling that if you did others would be able to tad sure you that it was nothing worse than any of us have done or said at some point!

Tad sure = reassure

Well I had a planned c-section due to 2 health conditions I had. I had DS on a Friday afternoon and trying to establish BF was difficult because of the section, not being able to pick him up, him being uncomfortable when he was on me etc. As a result DS wasn't really getting anything from me and as a result got very lethargic, to the point he was going 6-7 hours without even waking. At one point I was expressing colostrum into a syringe for them to give to him. As Saturday came things weren't really much better and he started getting quite jaundiced so had to be reviewed by the Neonatal team. I was also in quite a bit of pain during all of this as I was refusing strong pain relief (for my c-sec) because I was worried the drugs passing through my milk were what he was causing his lethargy. Anyway, fast forward to 04.00am Sunday morning and DS was screaming in hunger and nothing I odd would settle him. I couldn't attach him, I was exhausted, upset, in pain and I just cracked. I picked up my screaming DS and just started walking around the ward with him, I don't even know what I was trying to achieve. I was crying that much I couldn't even see where I was going. A member of staff found me just standing in a corner with my screaming DS and I just handed him to her. I told her to 'just do something with him' and I hated myself for it. She asked me what I wanted her to do and I just kept crying and saying, "I don't know, I don't know". It doesn't sound like much but I was just distraught and couldn't listen to him anymore. She told me she'd give him some formula via a cup and I just walked back to my bed. I remember sitting on my bed and enjoying the quiet. Even now I can't believe I just handed him over and left him with a stranger - it makes me feel so, so bad about myself. What kind of new mother does that? The only thing that makes me feel a little bit better is remembering that I wouldn't get back into bed or go to sleep until he was returned to me. So I knew I must have cared and I must have needed to know he was ok, so that offered me some comfort.

But when I think back to it it just upsets me so much.
I just feel like I let him down so much by just handing him over the way I did. I feel like I abandoned him

Oh lovey dont beat your self over that! It's completly normal.

Oh OP don't feel bad.

It wasn't so long ago that newborns were kept in hospital nurseries and just brought to mums every 4 hours for a feed.

Don't beat yourself up about it. The mw should have come to your aid long before you got to the point you got to . My two nights in hospital I slept through DS's cries and the mws kept having to wake me up to tell me he needed fed. It's normal. Birth is exhausting. In no culture is a brand new mother left to fend alone with her brand new baby. All cultures have mws/ family rally round to help at thus difficult time. It's not being a bad mother to take advantage of help.

Thanks everyone, I know you're all right and when I think rationally I know that I was in an awful state of mind and my actions weren't neglectful, but I just can't shake that tiny amount of guilt. I'm hoping it will fade in time. Sometimes I think about talking it through with DH but the moment just never comes.

Oh OP

You did nothing, nothing wrong. The nurses / midwives are there to help new mums! I think you would feel better if you shared this with your DH, if you feel you can.

All the best OP.

That really wasn't what I was expecting! I know it is very significant to you but it really isn't. You didn't hurt him. You got a (very short) break for yourself, and he got a bit of food. You have a long long time to be his mother, so many good and bad days to come. You did nothing wrong.
One of mine was taken away by a midwife for an hour or so so I could finally sleep post c-section. Does it make me better because she offered and I didn't ask? I jumped at the chance (well I would have jumped if insides weren't held in by threads )
I think talking about this might exorcise the demon a bit.

Regarding the departing dh, I was a bucket of resentment (still am a bit - with a dc who still wants bm in the night despite turning two!) but you do get your freedom back, bit by bit, and in return you have a bond with your lo that I frankly think is hard for the other parent to match.

Thank you everyone, I do feel better talking about it.

I once dropped my water bottle on DS's head - I still feel more guilty about what happened in the hospital though. I know it's irrational and I just need to find a way to let it go. It's just whenever I leave him with someone else (which I have done twice, the first time for 25 minutes and the second time for 30 minutes) I hear a little voice that says, "Do you remember in the hospital, when you didn't want him and handed him over to someone else?". The guilt that I feel about that is then transferred to the present and it just makes me feel bad that I'm handing him over again.

When I read back over what I'm writing I know it is so stupid.

My DS means the absolute world to me, I can't believe how much I love him. I just need to make peace with what happened, accept that it didn't mean I didn't love him and just move on.

Igggi - dare I ask what you were expecting?

OP I can see why you feel upset about what happened in hospital but you really don't need to feel guilty about it, not at all. It sounds like you had a pretty tough start to motherhood! And you handed him to a qualified health professional who was there to help you (a lovely HCA took ds2 away for 4 hours on night 2 and fed him some ebm and settled him for me so I could get a bit of kip, I was too tired to care tbh)

I also understand the feeling of not wanting to leave them. I can remember going in the garden for 10mins while my mum cuddled newborn ds1 and literally having a physical compulsion to run back in

How easy are you finding it to feed him while you're out and about? Because really this is quite a portable age once you get your head around it and you can take him to all sorts of places with you (evenings as well as daytime)

Oh, now I'm on the spot! perhaps something like that you'd hit him when he wouldn't stop crying (I've never done this but it is one of my "fears" if you see what I mean). Something bad enough not to tell your dh.

I think I started hallucinating during the second night of ds1's life - I was convinced I'd been moved to a different room for example (I hadn't). There's nothing like zero sleep and mahoosive hormone doses to mess with your head.

I'm glad talking about it has made you feel better. Little things seem huge when you're tired, in pain and overwhelmed. You didn't do anything wrong, in fact you did the right thing. You gave him to a professional and you took a short break, which will have benefited you both.

I hope taking small steps like letting DH look after your DS will make you feel more comfortable being apart from him. Don't get me wrong, some days I hate leaving Dd to go to work and she's 13months. I only work part time but some days I hate the fact that I'm not going to be with her. She, on the other hand, barely gives me a backwards glance as it's her routine. I have now stopped bawling every time I leave her (took weeks!)

Take things at your own pace and it will all settle down into some semblance of normality.

Thanks everyone - I really don't know why I am so hard on myself, not one person has told me that I was in the wrong so I don't know why I'm convinced it was.

I also don't think I'd formed a big bond with DS within those 48 hours, I know that sounds awful, but it was just so hard as between the CS, the pain, the exhaustion and the feeding problems I just felt like I couldn't enjoy him and love him like a mother should. Things improved much more in that sense once I got home and I can't put into words how much I love him now, but I still struggle with fact that I wasn't 'in love' with him from the minute he arrived. Unless that's normal as well?

Oh OP you really are giving yourself a hard time, and there is absolutely no need! I took weeks to really bond with my DD, before that I just did what I/she expected. DD is 6 now and we adore each other!

You should do whatever makes you all happy but if I were you I would force myself to do small outings with and without your DS, in case you build it up into too big a thing, and you get to 6 months / a year and feel really isolated and resentful.

If you can, find someone understanding to talk to - either a HV or another Mum who will understand.

Totally normal, OP - I promise!

You will get your social life back. In the meanwhile, do you have a subscription to Netflix or something like that to keep you occupied?

Not bonding straight away is utterly normal. I loved DD1, because I was her mother. It took me probably three or four months to adjust to my new life and adore her in that 'wow' sort of way. She's five now and it doesn't seem to have damaged her.

Interestingly, DS (unplanned pregnancy, didn't bond at all in pregnancy) I got that full on hit of 'oh my god, I love you'. I think the difference between a three day and a four hour labour was a big part of that. As well as the fact that I'd already done all the life adjustments.