How do you stop being resentful of your partner's social life?

[Writerwannabe83]

I have an 11 week old DS who is exclusively breast fed. This obviously ties me to him but that's absolutely fine as it's my preferred method of feeding.

My DH is wonderful, I'm not complaining about him at all.....but sometimes I feel so resentful that he gets to live his life whilst mine is halted.

It's not even that I want some 'me time' as I absolutely love being with DS, I hate being parted from him (I have left him someone for 30 minutes and it felt awful) but sometimes I just wish that when I am stuck at home I didn't feel so jealous of my DH's freedom.

He's just left now to go and play Zorb Football and then go out for a meal whereas I'm sat at home with a sleeping baby listening to it rain heavily outside and know I'm destined for another day indoors.

Pre-DS we always did things together and now DH still does the same things except I'm normally not there anymore.

I don't begrudge it him, I would never stop him doing anything and he is brilliant with DS and the care of him is shared....but sometimes, I just want to scream at him and say, "Don't you realise how f**king lucky you are!!" when he takes it for granted how easily he can just jump in his car and have his free time.

You're right. When he comes back I'm going to tell him that we need to do more things together as a family. The weekend is the only time we all get together and we should be making the most of it.

He has made changes in that he used to be the captain of the local football team and cricket team but earlier this year he handed in his badges (so to speak) and doesn't play anymore. This Zorb Football thing today is to do with his mate's birthday.

But there was no point him quitting his sport if he isn't going to spend the time with me and DS.

I will definitely speak to him about it later.

Op I get you totally. My dh wanted to go fishing and football and to see his parents every sat and Sunday while I'd be left.

So much resentment built up. Of course he would do his bit (I only bf for two months) so last feed etc, but I felt he didn't love us very much that he preferred doing these other things. He was a single man for a long time.

It still hurts a little bit but his parents are elderly and he doesn't have much down time during the week.

Its your choice but at that age I went to a hen night and was out until 2am, I also went that wedding without without dd. Bfing or not I dont believe in being tied to them all the time.

I also went to a hen night on my own when DD was 8 weeks and had never accepted a bottle. DH just had to get on with it!

It's completely your choice if you'd rather not do that of course, but if you are feeling a bit resentful it's better to make a change now than let those feelings fester.

I just couldn't do it melissa - when he's not with me it just feels wrong. I don't mean that from a moral sense, but from a physical one. If I can't see him or hear him it genuinely does feel like part of me is missing.

All you want is for your DH to acknowledge how his life hasn't changed as much and how lovely it is to be able to still go out as before without a moaning wife, yes?

And he won't have a close relationship with his son if he doesn't do more with him and persevere when he won't settle as quickly as he does with you.

OP, you both have to get used to there being a tiny human who needs you, both of you. It's daunting and wonderful, at the same time.

I think it is the spontaneity that I was resentful of but I'm not, anymore. Life before dd is a distant memory. Some people find they are happy to go out without their baby, more than others. There is no right or wrong, just what's right for you.

Dp has a wonderful bond with dd and your dh will, too. At the beginning babies do tend to need their Mums more but that evens out as they get older.

Just keep talking and don't let any resentment build on either side.

Family time is the key. We took dd away for a weekend to a caravan park, when she was 8 weeks old. It coincided with a significant birthday for dp. They are great memories for both of us and I can show dd the photos when she's older!

Well he came back from his Zorb football and said he was going out again as they were going to a pub for lunch and then he'd come home for a bit before going out with them again tonight

I told him how I felt about being tied to DS and needing some respite in some form so he said he'd take DS to the pub with him I explained that I meant I wanted us to do things together, so he invited me to the pub too

Men!!

To cut a long story short he contacted one of the guys and said he wouldn't be meeting them for lunch and we had a nice afternoon together - finished off with him cooks a gorgeous home made shepherd pie for my dinner.

I said I didn't want to stop him having his social life (which hi really don't) and so told him to go out tonight but that he had to get DS bathed and ready for bed before he went - which he did

So some progress has been made as he finally seems to understand how I'm feeling. I told him that he needs to see things from my point of view, that I'm alone with the baby 5 days a week and the weekend is the only time where I can have some 'time off' as he's there to watch the baby and so I find it hard when I'm being left on my own with him at the weekend too.

We have got a nice day planned for tomorrow too now. We will see how things go long term

Excellent

I don't get it, why didn't you just join? Baby is 11 weeks he can just sleep in a sling and be fed in there also.

I would have just all gone to watch the football then all out out for a meal if that's what I would have done without baby.

I don't really understand why babies stop anyone doing things. Small babies are tiny. They sleep, eat, are portable.

Then I guess I'm just a crap new parent because I don't find it that easy.

I wish I found it that easy to carry my portable baby around with me, but I just don't. I'm shattered too, that probably doesn't help my mindset.

Your update sounds positive but I honestly think for your dh and his identity as a father you need to try leaving your ds with him a bit - even just if it's you going to the shop while he stays home or you doing a house or garden job while they go out for a walk.
I know some people are all about the mother and child being attached to each other at all times but I really think that when there's a kind, caring, willing father around that he deserves a chance to try being 'primary carer' for periods of time.

(If it matters, I say that as mum to a 9mo old bf bottle refuser).

Take no notice. I have kids aged 8-13 so have been through the baby stages and had an ECS with number one so understand how overwhelming first time parenthood can be (and I was a nanny so should have sailed through ). In some ways to go out with an 11 week old IS so much easier than a 2 year + old but it isn't just about getting out. It is about feeling comfortable to feed in public, to have confidence that you can settle the baby if they are crying and to be able to enjoy the occasion as well.

I have to go to a lot of appointments with my 2 youngest (8 and 10) and I have got to the stage now where I would rather go twice as much so they go on their own as it got too much.

You have to adapt and do what works for you and your baby and not take any notice of anyone who says they found it really easy and can't understand why you can't just do it. Way to make someone feel useless.

I think you're being a wee bit unreasonable (understandably though) as you aren't prepared to leave the baby at all, so from that point of view it's hardly your DH's fault. And he has made changes - he's no longer captain of 2 of his sports teams, and today sounds like a bit of a one-off? And he sounds very hands on.

It's still very early days. DD (ebf'd for a year, bottle-refuser) settled into a 3-hour feeding routine of her own accord at about 12 weeks, so we knew there was a gap where I could go out, or DH could take DD out. She night-weaned quite early, but even so, as she didn't take a bottle, nights out with NCT friends were always local to me as I was the one that might have to nip home (though that never happened), so again, as your baby gets older you'll be able to do more.

I would try to allow DS and DH more time just the 2 of them, I reckon your DH will absolutely love it, even if you find it a bit hard.

You are alright - I do need to let my DH spend more 1-1 time with him.

I carry a lot of guilt around with me, based on something that happened when I was in hospital having him, and in my head I have a voice that keeps saying if I hand him over, leave him with someone else or feel comfortable with him not being with me then it means I'm a bad mom

It's only week 11. There is years ahead. Who knows how things will look at 6 months, 2 years, and so on. Did you not think of this before making your choices? I have only used paid childcare for the last 10 years no Dh on scene, its my choice to some extent but we have great fun. Time goes quickly.

:( writer - a good mom enables her baby's relationship with their father. You're not abandoning him or doing anything wrong. Allowing your dh some 1:1 time is a good thing for all three of you. Just take some baby steps in that direction as much as you can feel comfortable with.

I feel like I let my DS down during the first few days of his life (my husband doesn't know about this as he doesn't know about the reason for my guilt) and I almost feel like because of my bad start I now have to prove to DS that I love him by never being away from him. I know how absolutely ludicrous that sounds.

I'm of the "do what you used to do, but with modification" mind. Breastfeeding is actually much easier as it makes babies much more 'portable'. I totally understand you wanting to spend all your time with your baby as I was the same. But we still did pretty much the same stuff we used to do - went out for meals, visited friends, went for picnics, went to local live music events etc. I know it depends on your baby, but it depends on having a relaxed approach too. Believe me, it's much easier to do stuff together with a baby who just eats and sleeps than a young child who has a mind of his own and a tendency to do run around and do things requiring constant attention, entertainment and supervision!