Has parenting ruined your career ambitions? Does it matter?

[Artyparty]

I love being a mum to my 2 dds but having a down day today.

I recently found out that the woman I employed as my assistant 4 years ago will be my boss when I get back from Mat leave.

She doesn't have kids and has covered both my Mat leaves. Good on her -but Ive just realised, I'll never have the time or energy to take on a bigger role.

Another acquaintance has got a book deal- something I was also persuing until I had my second dd... Now it all seems so impossible to meet deadlines and create space for the focus required.

I really am trying to count my blessings but - call it vanity- there is no public accolade for being a parent. I've lost all my confidence but am still quietly longing for career success , while hanging out the washing & doing the nappies etc.

Has anyone else felt like this?

I get what you mean. I don't feel like it has completely ruined my career ambitions but they are certainly on hold. I stuck it out at my old job for longer than I should have done because I knew DC were hopefully on the cards, so missed a chance at a promotion then. Stayed for over a year after returning from maternity leave before moving to the job I'm in now.

In the interview for this job they did ask why I was applying for it when I should really be going for the next level up - I made up some crap about a better firm and new challenges blah blah, when the reality was just that my old firm paid peanuts, otherwise I might have stayed. But also I knew I don't have the commitment for both me and DP pushing at our careers right now when DD is still a toddler.

I'm struggling at times in this job as the two women who are senior to me are my age and my experience. I'm having to bite my tongue when conversations about policies and decisions come up that I have ideas about or did at my old job, as it is not my place to butt in at the moment. But it's occasionally galling. I could easily do their job, and that's not me being smug.

It's hard sometimes when DP makes comments about going for 'that next job up' - he means well but hasn't really thought it through in terms of childcare. But I try and focus on the fact that I just one of the 'bodies' in this job and if I leave because DD needs me, fine. I don't feel bad.

I think it puts your career on hold for a while, but that doesn't mean it is forever.

My career is definitely on hold if not frozen forever. I work in academia where it's unfortunately all short term contracts at the moment so I've been 'let go' or not had a job to go back to both maternity leaves.
Now with two childcare places to sort and having to find a new job it's not looking promising for my future prospects.
It's okay now but what about when they go to school?

Definitely not. I never get why children are meant to slow your career. You can carry on as before in this day and age as there is so much available childcare.

Ugh. Yes. When I think of my ambitions in my twenties and early thirties, there is no way I could do that now. I don't like thinking about it. It goes against all my feminist sensibilities. I would love to answer like jasmine - no reason to slow down, blah blah - but the simple fact is my priorities have changed. I can't believe I just typed that. I am now that woman that I always swore I would never be.

My priorities definitely havent. Im crazy about my career, but still got a big family for my age and we are planning more children.

I have a fairly big job now, but I had huge huge ambitions and expectations before.

I bought the line that women can have it all hook, line and sinker.

It is bullshit.

Providing you can afford childcare, it is a choice to slow down, one you are entitled to make. I am the breadwinner so I will not be able to slow down.

Its definitely a choice and there is nothing to stop you doing more with your life. A lot of women just use it as an excuse imo. If you dont want to thats fine but its nothing to do with having children imo.

Pre-kids: massive 100-hour weeks, lots of travel, big paycheque, bigger bonus. Glamourous job. Suits and tights and high heels and lipstick.

Now: 40-60 hour weeks, 5-figures, no bonus, hardly any travel. Smart casual, flat shoes, no makeup.....

I need to stop this, I am thoroughly depressing myself!

I have definitely had my career ambitions halted since becoming a mum.

jasminemai the business I'm in (and DH too) is fast moving and unpredictable, we cannot clock off at 5pm (or 6pm or 7pm)
The hours are odd and long and we cannot find a nursery or a minder who is flexible enough to accommodate this.
He is the higher earner, so my career is effectlvely over in this industry.

jasmine you are 100% correct. It is no excuse and I do have all those choices. It's the fact that I don't want it any more that bothers me. How much being a mother has changed me. I never in a million years expected it. Naive old me.

I was promoted after my first child. Worked long hours, put heart & soul into it.

Had ds2 and changed job completely earlier this year because I was not willing to put in the effort in my old job.

No loss imho, New hours mean a much better home life. Worth it for me.
I lost the urge for promotion during the Times away from my first child, maybe it w ill come back, I'm too old now to bother.

I think part of it is that it is very difficult for both parents to go full-out on their career when they have young DC.

I wouldn't say parenting ruined my career ambitions, but it dampened them. So, I guess I could have gone and worked.

When pregnant with dd1 I was offered an amazing job, but turned it down (because my first child was still born, this job was offered 3 months after her death and I was 9 weeks pregnant with an apparent 20% chance of losing dd1). Tbh, my mental health was not in the right place for a very challenging job. I did the job temporarily, but was very much going through the motions.

Before kids, I did always think I could have it all. Children in nursery, I could have a decent job part time and feel fulfilled. However, it just didnt seem important, and financially we could survive on dhs salary just done.

7.5 years on, I've obviously suffered career-wise for this. I previously worked in marketing, not sure i would want to do this again. Am toying with a PGce, and do like the fact that mid 40s I could possibly 'reinvent' myself career-wise. But now with 4 young dcs, it seems like a monumental task....

I was a bank manager pre-dc and went back after ds.
I couldn't do the job effectively any more, my priorities had changed. I wanted to be out the door at 5pm and couldn't be bothered making people sell things to customers who didn't want them.
So now I am a SAHM but I also childmind three days a week for one other little boy. I'm totally skint!
I don't know what I will do once the dc are both in school, I think I have definitely lost my mojo for work.
Hmmm

Before I had dc, I bought into idea that both parents could be high fliers - if i'd wanted to hire a nanny we could both do it, but without any other family input our dcs' lives would be sad. I didn't realise that children need you to be there and paying attention, and even a 40 hour a week is too much. In still clinging onto a 4 day per week job until dc2 arrives but I can't kid myself that in doing anything like what I used to do. I do feel down about it - I don't think you can easily pick things up, some careers aren't forgiving.

I'm soul-searching about this at the moment as I've been approached for a job that would be / would have been perfect - great company and people, interesting work, great salary, with real prospects to move up. I don't think I will ever get such a good opportunity again, it's a unique set of circumstances. But it means quite a bit of travel, some overseas, full-time. And DH's career has also picked up, recently, with more travel. I work freelance part time at the moment, and we're already constantly cross-checking diaries to be sure we're not away at the same time. If I went for the job, I can't see how it would work, even with my youngest starting school in September. My ambition is out-weighed by the thought of the constant logistical nightmare it would involve.

I am struggling with this too! Currently work self-employed so I can fit round kids. It's all the after school activities & play dates they would miss out on if I worked FT that bothers me. They've been to after school club before and don't like it, they must want to come home & play with their pals. However been offered an interview for a FT role I am tempted to go along to. Partly because I know I could be losing a fairly big client, losing a chunk of my income soon (& if they don't go under I'm not sure I actually want to work for them anymore anyway). However my youngest still has 2 years left at primary and I can't help feeling I should stick this out til then.

For me it has not exactly ruined my career ambitions but removed them. Since having my dc I have no desire for career progression whatsoever. When dh and I met, I was considerably senior to him (same job). He has now gone far beyond where I was, but I don't envy him in the slightest. I sometimes think it's a bit odd that I feel that way, but I'm quite happy!

Hmmm So much guilt, divided loyalties and angst isn't there?
I promised myself that I would make my girls know and feel they are my no.1 priority as I didn't feel that from my own mother...

But I hate the nagging feeling of wasted potential within myself.

It would be different there was an extended family to rely upon but there isn't, so the choice is pretty stark.

the assistant-now-boss thing must be hard to swallow!

I think it's all about attitude, YOU are the only person who can change things. Yes, you can sit on your backside and quietly wish you have a great career, or you can sit down, write a feasible plan and KICK YOUR OWN ARSE INTO DOING IT! Like, really. Every time you feel yourself making excuses, give yourself a slap.

I was in danger of slipping into a mire of nappies, but have just become bloody minded about it all. Take advantage of every bit of childcare possible, but also see if you can do both/involve them. It's amazing the places I sneak my kid into and actually, people don't mind (she is well behaved though.)

I thought I wanted it too. There's part of me that still dies I suppose but when I actually sit and think about what that means (longer hours, bigger commitment, more travel, more stress) it feels unrealistic with 2 small children (well, a toddler and a baby arriving in a couple of months) whose little lives I don't want to miss out on.

I want my cake and to eat it. But I want to be around for my children more than I want the pressure of really going for it at work at the moment.

I also naively thought it would get easier when they get to school and even though that's a couple of years away it's dawning on me that it might actually be harder and that they will still need me just as much then. I want to pick them up from school and see their faces when they come out to know whether they are happy or not. I want to have the time and energy to understand their lives. My mother worked FT when we were little and I honestly think we did suffer because of it. She didn't know our school friends, we told her we'd done our homework but often hadn't and she always seemed so tired. I don't remember much if her during my school years at all actually. And I'm fairly sure DB has turned into a bit of a drifter because we didn't have a parent at home more.

So I wish I could have it all but I know I can't. Being the main breadwinner at the mo puts it's own pressure on but DH and I are hoping to re-tilt that balance in the coming year or so.

I'd be better at my job if I could work 5 days a week instead of 4 and could be based in the office instead if at home (don't get me wrong, it's great for us as a family for me to be home-based but it is difficult workwise). I'd make more progress if I could go visit my stakeholders in other countries and go out for supplier dinners and drinks and speak at international conferences. But my family need me around too much for me to be able to that guilt-free.

It depends how you have been brought up. My parents never picked me up as they worked but I want to be justlike them and make something of my life.

In some ways I wish my career ambitions had completely gone, there would be less angst. I am a bit competitive, so need to make sure that I am feeling a sense of ambition that is 'good' - wanting to stretch myself, do something useful - rather than 'bad' - doing it because I feel like I have to keep up with my peers. I've mostly got that one nailed, but I do have to remind myself occasionally!

I think your mum was not very commited mother if she used working full time as an excuse though. I take mineto drama, swimming, extra tuition, they have hourswith their friends etc, attend all parties and social events with me but I still work full time, and still managed it last year working nearly 50 hours a week.