Has parenting ruined your career ambitions? Does it matter?

[Artyparty]

I love being a mum to my 2 dds but having a down day today.

I recently found out that the woman I employed as my assistant 4 years ago will be my boss when I get back from Mat leave.

She doesn't have kids and has covered both my Mat leaves. Good on her -but Ive just realised, I'll never have the time or energy to take on a bigger role.

Another acquaintance has got a book deal- something I was also persuing until I had my second dd... Now it all seems so impossible to meet deadlines and create space for the focus required.

I really am trying to count my blessings but - call it vanity- there is no public accolade for being a parent. I've lost all my confidence but am still quietly longing for career success , while hanging out the washing & doing the nappies etc.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Oh sorry thought op had posted that msg

Oh nearlyready your post has made me feel so sad... That's just how I remember my mum. Too tired to be involved with our schooling, falling asleep on the sofa. I l

How many hours were they working?

jasminemai you are a tiger mother! Would you say that you CAN have it all then? Do you feel you are missing out on anything?

To your initial question, yes parenting would damaged my career if I had stayed in the profession I had at the time. Mainly because I couldn't have don't all the travelling involved with town young dcs.

As it turns out that company made me redundant before the end of my maternity leave so gave me the opportunity to retrain in something else more child friendly.

That means I now have a career I love, carry on progressing as I want to in an environment better suited to me. So thanks for that!

The key point for me has been to share the work load of parenting two dcs with DH (no family around). The mantra in my house is 'your job is just as important than yours' so DH got all the promotion he wanted when the dcs were little and my work was quieter or I was retraining and now I can concentrate on work when I need to, knowing I can rely on DH.

I was very career focused before DC. Not as much ambitious as hard working and driven. After DC my priorities have certainly changed. Only now, after a few years if combining a career and DC do I feel I can and should and want to accelerate the pace and be more ambitious. I took things a bit easier for a few years and whilst my children have benefitted, it has impacted my confidence and my sense of achievement.

Jasminemai, I believe that there are a few rare individuals such as yourself that can have every minute of their day scheduled and not get burnt out, but most people can't - are you squeezing all those dc activities into the weekend? Are you taking them personally or is your nanny taking them?

And yes it IS important to have your career. You deserve a good job, promotion etcetera just as much as your DH. Being a parent shouldn't stop you from doing that whilst he us carrying as if nothing had changed.

Of course if you take two long maternity breaks it means two years wo working so it will set you back by two years. But after that there is no reason why you can't having the career you want, whatever that is.

This thread is very timely for me as I'm contemplating going back to work after mat leave. I don't want to relinquish any of my job but at the same time I want to see my baby.

If I go back full time then I will be dropping DS off at nursery at 7.30am and not picking him up until just after 7pm. He goes to bed at 7.30pm so I won't see him Monday to Friday. The thought of that depresses me.

To whoever it was who said their career is over because their husband is the higher earner - why should that be? Unless it is financially impossible, one person's career should not be sacrificed for the progression of the other unless both are completely happy with that. Financial independence is very important.

I don't know if I'm lucky or not that my husband will never earn more than £25k a year. On the one hand I won't have the choice of quitting/going part time but on the other I will have no excuse or ambivalence not to do the best I can. I suppose it will have its own rewards and hardships, and I like my job and am reasonably ambitious...

Yes and no, me and dh are splitting child care and parental leave 50 / 50 and both taking a bit of hit career wise during the first yr.

We earn similar amounts and could live on one wage but we both love our jobs so will both slow down a little without one of us making all the sacrifices and ending up potentially resentful.

I'm still studying on top of working ft because I want a promotion. And I realise time will become more scarce as the baby gets older.

My mother worked (4 DC) and although I remember being desperate for her to get home, I now work (2 DC, 5 and 2), and I couldn't consider not working. Not just the financial inependence (I am very aware that I want to be able to support us all if DH gets ill, leaves me, dies) but also, I am a shit SAHM. We have a nanny - hugely expensive and we are in our leanest years since having children - but the girls do everything I would do with them, play dates, activities... And I do 4 days a week. I have to work most evenings, and often am on call on my day off, and it's not perfect but it's the best scenario I can imagine at the moment. I love my job. I moved after dd1 to a different company - huge mistake - and after dd2, my old company asked me back. I think I'm really very lucky because I never doubt that how we are set up is the bet thing for our family. I dont hanker to be at home more than i am. DH does mornings until 8.30, so I can be at my desk by 7 if needs be. He routinely works late (national journalist) so I do evenings. Rambling, but no, my career aspirations are now higher than pre-DC. I agree with previous poster that children aren't a reason to scale back - if you dont want to. It's doable. I read a brilliant report recently published by the 30% club, basically saying the same thing.

That report: 30percentclub.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/30pcClubCrackingtheCodeReport.pdf

Sorry. Rubbish at links.

Not tiger mother just really motivated. DH is 29 and Im 30 so maybe thats the difference my career is just taking off so definitely dont want to stop or slow down. Im always doing stuff with children, and still have time for myself as have dh.

I havent got a nanny or a cleaner personally. Dh and I do all activities ourselves with no family help.

How do you make it work jasmine? Genuinely interested here. What's a typical day look like?

I think it depends on so many factors - I could commute 1hr+ each way when I was childless. I don't want to do that now so my work options are limited due to location. Same with DH actually but moving into London isn't an option for us, nor do we want to.

I may be being made redundant when I go on mat leave in a few weeks and am loving the thought of being home with the children for longer due to the pay-out. I'm also exploring the possibility of freelancing in my field which it feel excited about. It's either that or do 7.30-7 out of the house 5 days pw which fills me with horror.

I remember when DD was about 15months and not yet walking... I picked her up from nursery, put her in the car, got home, put her in the high chair for dinner, ate, sat her in the bath, then put her to bed. I suddenly thought "no wonder she's not walking, I've not given her the opportunity to try, with me, at home". I'm sure this guilt stemmed from some daily mail article saying kids develop better in the company of their parents but it really stuck with me. My employer has been v v flexible do whilst the redundancy money would be great I doubt I'll ever get the same flexibility again.

Both get up at 6am. Dh goes work shortly after then I go, 2 dcs in then I work anywhere between 7.30-6. I also attend lots of meetings/courses in evening which dh or childcare covers for me. Dcs who are 2 and 6 in childcare and oldest is dropped off at school, picked up, fed, homework done. Dc 1 doing 3 hours drama school on sat, tuition on friday evening which dh drops off and picks up, swimming on other day that I do. See friends around our schedules etc.

Im pregnant with 3rd and doing my second 2 week maternity as starting a masters.I did 2 weeks with dc 1 as well.

DH works shifts and my old job pre children was just insane (working in a boarding school, massively unpredictable and long hours/weekends etc). I couldn't have gone back to that without a nanny, and that wasn't financially viable. So I have changed direction by taking a role in a different school, part time but still as Head of Department. The biggest difference I find is that I'm not as interested in the trivial at work anymore, I couldn't care less about gossip etc. I just want to get to work, do my job well and go home. I think longer term I'll have a 'big job' again, but it's not right at the moment, and at least what I'm doing is relevant and is a nice place to be.

I worked long and unpredictable hours with a long commute. The only workable childcare would've been a live in nanny which I had neither the room or the money for. I was in a male dominated industry where a 'thing' was made about how committed and flexible you were and I was too young and naive to see that it was bullshit and I should've stood up for myself. Now the kids are a bit older I am starting from the bottom again but I think I will hash together a decent career, just not the one I imagined.

I am am more ambitious now than before I had children. Don't know why to be honest, I think I just really enjoy my job and the challenge. I love my weekends with the girls but I don't want to be at home all the time.

I have a great nursery, I drop in the mornings and DH picks up in the evenings. I think I'm lucky as I do have lots of energy and capacity for keeping going when I am tired.

I have just had my end of year review and agreed with my manager to go on promotion track for next year, but in the same meeting I agreed to go term time only from next year when my eldest goes to school.

I think if you go back and work hard it can give you options in the long term.

I am a single mum with two dc. My career has slowed down, and there was a point I thought it might disappear completely, but I am working hard to get back on track.

I LOVE being a mum more than I ever imagined but it is a balancing act. I need to provide financially as well as being the one to fit in activities and playdates and so on. I think, for me, I had to accept slowing down a bit for a few years, not helped by really bad separation, but that did not mean stopping, iyswim, just balancing what I was able and wanted to do.

PenelopeKeeling it was me who said my career in this industry is effectively over because DH is the higher earner.

This is the case for a few reasons - he earns substantially more than me, has never had a break in 'service' and is lined up for more promotions.
I am not.
I had a lengthy leave (was very ill after DH was born) and in order to facilitate DH's job I simply can't do the 60 hour weeks I used to do.

I am currently working fulltime but I'm very aware that my chances of progression in the business I am in are tiny.
So I do have financial independence, but I'm realistic in knowing if I want to climb that ladder I need to change career and start from scratch.

I am pg with dc3 and this will be a big hit to things I fear.

I have to limit travel for health already, then did for the two dds anyway and now I think it will be really hard. Travel is important as we run an office in Europe! I work with dh and df though so am very lucky.

At the moment we have a nanny three days a week. On the two days without her I am with the girls but am available on phone and email almost constantly. compromises...

Commute is small - 20 min drive. This and nanny make it all work.

My ambition has probably taken a battering because it is one of many important things now. I try to be as clever aslnd cunning as I can though about keeping my name in the picture in the industry and my contacts open and useful.

The thing I wasn't expecting (naively) was how much I would want to spend time woth my ds. I admire you jasmine for having the dedication to work like you do, but I feel guilty and miss ds when in away from him for long periods. He is still under 1 yr so perhaps things will change, but it is always a wrench. At the moment I try to start work late. Ds is an early riser so we have 5 or 6 hours together in the morning before I start work at 10.30. Then I work for 7 hrs without a break, and also about 2 evenings a week.

I simply can't work the hours I used to. At the moment I feel like I'm doing everything badly - not working enough, not present enough for ds. But I want to have my cake and eat it - I was also sold the lie that you can have it all. I don't earn that much more than a nanny (I am in the creative industries) so it's not just a case of buying in childcare.

I guess the problem is that my ambitions haven't changed, but my lifestyle, choices and access to opportunities have.