Has parenting ruined your career ambitions? Does it matter?

[Artyparty]

I love being a mum to my 2 dds but having a down day today.

I recently found out that the woman I employed as my assistant 4 years ago will be my boss when I get back from Mat leave.

She doesn't have kids and has covered both my Mat leaves. Good on her -but Ive just realised, I'll never have the time or energy to take on a bigger role.

Another acquaintance has got a book deal- something I was also persuing until I had my second dd... Now it all seems so impossible to meet deadlines and create space for the focus required.

I really am trying to count my blessings but - call it vanity- there is no public accolade for being a parent. I've lost all my confidence but am still quietly longing for career success , while hanging out the washing & doing the nappies etc.

Has anyone else felt like this?

I don't think that parenting has massively affected either my career or my ambitions. I'm a guilt free working mother and always have been and dh has been the one that has had long stints at home (and enjoyed them).

But I've always worked in fairly family friendly industries (public sector) and been able to have a fair bit of flexibility, and although we've not had family support of a childcare nature we had significant help getting set up so our outgoings have been much lower. That meant when our children were tiny we were able to afford a nanny which was the most wonderful luxury (childcare since they started school was much more complicated and more of a compromise). Now they are teens childcare isn't really an issue any more so no reason not to push hard at work, and with 20 odd years ahead plenty of space to succeed. Also dh and I have always worked together in organizing childcare and domestic life and there has never been an assumption that his career was more important than mine. We've made some decisions to push my career forward and others for his dependent on the circumstances.

I'm due to start maternity leave soon and planning to take a year off to look after my first. I have a good 13 year in career in banking and I know my employer will be very accommodating when I return and won't discriminate if I choose to move up the ladder.....BUT I actually can't see how it'll be possible. I'm the main breadwinner although DH earns a good wage. Nursery hours are 8 to 6 so one of us needs to be at the nursery to pick up DS every day ie leave at 5pm. That will probably fall to me as I have the shortest commute. I work in an industry where working long hours is seen to be the route to success and that won't be possible for me anymore. I accept that's part of the industry I choose to work in mind you. The really successful women I know tend to either a) prioritise their career and/or b) can afford a live in nanny.

Dd1 born 2010. Dd2 born 2yrs later. Dd1 3.5. It's taken me this long to feel comfortable in my new skin.

I'm ambitious and as keen as before but I'm looking for my next niche. It will come. It always does.

when i had my first child in 1993 i was serving in the Royal Navy as was my husband, as his career was more advanced we decided that i would leave work to raise my son, then as we moved every 12 months it was hard to establish any work let alone career. 25 years on i still have no career and any experience is now out of date

I think it's actually quite sad if both parents want to maintain and progress their careers while the kids are young. As others have said, why have kids? One parent it think should take a step down, at least for a while. I have a nanny friend whose employers both have demanding careers and small children and while they have material advantages, private education etc. but friend feels they really miss their parents and play up because of it. Even good childcare can never replace parental involvement. That's my tuppence worth anyway.

Ah, good, the why have kids line. Out it comes.

Because everyone is different that is why. No way of parenting is better (excluding abuse and neglect obviously).

Very interesting. shows there is no such thing as perfect! just we all have to do what we think is best and pray!!!

i'm 6 months pregnant and contemplating how i'm going to juggle returning to work and a baby/child as i work in london and we live 400 miles away so I live in London during the week. OH's job is much more a 9-5 where as mine is often a 8 - 9 (am - pm!) if not later with dinners etc.

i keep thinking 'well if it was the other way round (ie OH works in town) there would be no problem' but it is more about my head.

while exhausting i know i CAN do it (my years of mid-week clubbing have helped I think...!) but it is more do i want to/CIBA? But on the other hand i'm already having to turn down invites to speak at conferences etc which is bringing things home to me...

but without my wage then our house options and general decent quality of life will be majorly compromised. i had hoped to have 14 months off (12 months Mat leave then 2x4 weeks holiday either end) but it is likely to be more like 8 1/2 (inc 6 weeks hol) due to finances. and when i am in town (praying it will only be two days/one night a week...) then OH will do pick ups etc. he is majorly supportive so fingers crossed it will work out... will see!

it doesn;t help that i currently hate my job so returning does not fill me with joy so looking at what options there might be and keeping networking (though now in flat shoes most of the time!). whilst it might not be a man's world any more it is certainly not an easy one for women who want children (and yes want to play with them, take them out, look after them when they are sick etc etc etc) and also actually want something that is for them and will be there when kids are teenagers and want minimal contact with their parents!!!

i'm sure there's lots of non-pc things in this post, depending on what 'camp' you are in but i don't think anyone tries to be bad parents (except those awful 'people' who abuse etc but hopefully none of us are like that!!)

have a good day all. will watch with interest...

Heatherbell1978, I have similar background to yours and all the successful women I met throughout my career did have to compromise their family life to an extent in order to climb the ladder. It's really hard, isn't it? Long hours are given in banking, but it would mean that you basically don't get to see your children at all during the week. Where I worked it would be probably impossible to find a job with less than 60 hours per week, and many work 100 hours per week (they don't have weekends off). That would mean at least 12 hours per day without commute. It's really hard to keep that pace even without children and with them I personally don't see the point of a lifestyle like that. And TBH it would not be my long term (20+ years) lifestyle of choice regardless of family circumstances which was probably why I easily transitioned into another similar but less hectic industry.