If you met someone with a limp

[ilean]

would you comment on it?

The Ouch podcast is still pretty good although it's not the same thing as a messageboard of course.

oh ok

I was just looking at this: www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/ouch

Presumably there was something different that has now gone?

sorry Odd cross post. I will look through the podcasts.

I don't think of myself as someone with a disability. Denial denial denial. Probably painful territory I should explore.

comment on someone's limp?

limp what?

Corus that's really going too far, the dentist's comment, I mean. Not your parents' reaction, which wouldn't have gone far enough IMO!
I think some professionals never switch off. They might want to work on switching on the tact every now and then!

To be clear, I'd only ask a patient rather just anyone I met at work!

I much prefer people asking me (in a non twatish way) than the staring. I'm not sure why people think if they look (stare) at my leg they might figure out what's "wrong" with me.

Although, inevitably when I do tell people what's wrong, it's always followed by "oh I knew some whose baby had clicky hips". They don't limp now.

That's because it's a different bloody thing do DDH.

ilean I don't think of myself as having a disability either. There's certainly people much worse off than me. I can walk and even do a few jumps on the trampoline although my pelvic floor does not appreciate that I would feel like a fraud on the parents with disabilities board.

I broke my leg last year, I have all manner of metal work in there, and have a slight limp still after a year. So far, no one has commented...yet.

So what are we Spotty? some sort of inbetweeners. I suppose that's why it's good to talk here to people who get it. I suppose the defining aspect of my arthritis is it's so variable. Predictable, but really variable, if that makes sense. That makes it so hard to plan life in a way - there are nights I would qualify for a full time bloody carer because I'm screaming with pain to pick up wailing DD (lone parent) and other days when I am bloody supermum . I think that makes it hard for people to understand / offer support. No DLA for me either (that's fair enough). Or even bloody bus pass! (that makes me cross).

lol @ bamboozle

Oooh trampoline sounds fun

I don't consider myself to be disabled really either mostly but guess I am really. When I was younger I didn't want that "label" I guess and now I just say it when I need to eg work fire exit stuff.

The thing that has always frustrated me is access to exercise fitness type stuff. I am too able-bodied for things aimed at disabled people (which IME seems to translate to wheelchair-users / elderly people if we're talking about the physical side) but there is nothing that I can join in with that is aimed at "normal" people - and I have tried quite a few things - always only once!

At school I had to sit out all PE classes, and since then I have periodically looked and checked out new things that come out and so on, but just nothing.

Still it's a minor gripe really as I'm still walking and given the original prognosis that is plenty to be going on with

Oh X-post! Yes in-betweeners. A-bit-disabled.

When I have to explain for whatever reason I describe myself as "a bit sort of disabled I suppose" as I don't feel I'm affected enough to say "disabled" flat out IYSWIM.

Hello again, I promised I'd be back and here I am.

This thread has been playing on my mind all afternoon/evening... I realised that I agree with most things that have been said in reply to me. Not in a 'oh... I never thought of that... ah in that case, I agree now' but rather in a 'yes that's (kind of) what I meant' way. Which means that clearly I worded my earlier posts extremely badly, as what I wrote, or what apparently came across, appears to be the (good as) opposite of what I meant.

I have two remaining questions. Genuine questions.
A number of you have said that you'd rather not be asked if you need help. Not even if you (look like) you are struggling. And I understand the reasonings that have been put forward.
The following analogy is clearly imperfect on several levels but it may help me formulate my thoughts so please bear with me: When i was (visibly) pregnant, I sometimes got really annoyed when people offered me help, or a seat. Usually I didn't need help, and was fine to stand, and people offering just gave me the impression that all they were seeing was my bump, rather than me.
However at times I got really exhausted. And I would stand there in a full train and nearly fall over from exhaustion, and no-one would offer their seat, and I was just so at my limits that I had to focus totally on just hanging on. I didn't have anything left to go asking for help, to confront any of the seated people who must have seen how I was struggling and yet didn't think it would be considerate to offer. At those moments I was sad (I didn't have the energy to be disgusted) that no-one offered.
So what I'm saying I guess, is how should an observer know if this were a situation where an offer of help would be appreciated, or if it were a situation where an offer of help would make the other person feel bad?
If in doubt, should I rather risk making someone feel bad, or should I risk not offering help to someone who really needs it?
My initial hunch would be to offer help, not due to a limp alone, but when someone looks like they are struggling. And I have done exactly that in the past, and that's what I meant earlier when I said that in certain circumstances I would ask questions (such as, do you need any help?) But if you all tell me that i should always wait until someone actually asks for help, I will try to take that on board for the future.

The second refers to when you notice someone is limping, when you hadn't noticed before. Again, a few people on this thread have pointed out how it makes them feel bad when someone suddenly notices their long-standing limp; again, I think I understand where you are coming from. If you have been limping for years and someone only just notices, it kind of means you have been limping worse than normally (or, I'd point out, it might not be about you at all but maybe the other person just became more observant for some reason).
On the other hand, sometimes when someone newly notices someone limping, it's simply due to that person newly limping. It seems most 'limpers' on this thread have been limping for a while, so this would not be you (anymore). I have been in that situation, where I was walking, mis-stepped, hurt my foot, and then had to limp home. Or started to limp due to blisters on my feet. People have noticed, asked if I was alright, offered help/a break/a plaster, and I have appreciated their concern. I wouldn't have thought to ask if anyone had a plaster with them. I can imagine that most people who are in that kind of situation (new limp, most likely of passing nature) would appreciate some concern and maybe help, though I recognise it would be wrong to conclude from myself, how others may feel.
So my question is, if I notice someone limping who I have never noticed limping before (and I might, after this thread, be more observant than before!) - I wouldn't know if I had simply never noticed, or if it was a new limp. Should I ask (as in, 'I see you are limping. Are you in pain?'), risking upsetting someone who has been limping for a long time already, or should I not say anything, risking coming across as terribly inconsiderate if it were indeed a new limp.

I appreciate that it is not any of your jobs to educate me here, so I am grateful if anyone takes some time to engage with my questions! But do understand if not.

Longdistance - I broke my ankle very badly 15 yrs ago, like you have lots of metalwork. I still limp (but only sometimes) arthritis, apparently. Sometimes the pain is so bad I can barely put weight on my right leg, other times I can walk properly on it. I wish it would make up it's bloody mind what it wants to do. I think the main thing is that at times it totally catches me unawares. So I can be walking around normally in M&S, for example, then suddenly the pain comes out of the blue and becomes so unbearable that I'm clutching on rails for support and desperately trying to get back to the car without anyone noticing.

At other times it's just a very slight limp, and friends will always comment. That I don't mind, because I know them, obviously, and they know what the injury was.

If someone I didn't know said something, I don't know how I'd feel - embarrassed, probably.

I have had a very noticeable limp for the past two months and quite a few strangers have commented on in & asked why I was limping. Now I can walk but still can't go up or down stairs and I get asked all the time why I'm stepping up only on my right foot.

It didn't occur to me to be offended - just people being curious and sympathising, I thought. I understand that it must be exhausting to deal with such questions from people every day of one's life, though.

Well I would say if someone looks like they are struggling then yes offer them help. I would have loved to have been offered seats when I was pregnant but I hardly ever was!

No-one has offered me help for limpy reasons though.

I would ask if someone I knew pretty well suddenly started limping - are you OK - as I would assume they had been hurt. I wouldn't ask if they were limping from when i met them or from always.

If someone wants to talk about it they will if eg they have hurt their foot doing DIY or football or something, they probably will mention it as they know they don't normally limp and will explain what's going on!

Honestly don't worry about it too much. Generally though people with ongoing stuff probably don't want to talk about it and if they want to they will start the conversation I would say.

That is just my opinion though

Oh - asking after scars for me - pretty rude and invasive although I don't get them out that often these days!

Ah I don't think I'm an inbetweener any more: I'm all the way there now. But at least my pain is pretty manageable and my family is really supportive. Things could be much worse.

Meita I think if you notice someone you are on talking terms with limping (or similar) then a very general 'how are you doing?' as you would as a greeting to anyone you're saying hello to would be enough of an opening for them to say if they have a blister or whatever.

hey Meita! welcome back. I did get the sense from your earlier post that we are in many ways on common ground - I think various things you said were more directed at a situation where you know someone really quite well. Tinkly's scale in her post at 14:00 I think nails it for most of us. It really is about your relationship with the person (as with any other personal situation).

Your pregnancy analogy is a good one this time (before, I felt it didn't work because pregnancy is temporary and for most people doesn't undermine feelings of worth). The way you describe just hanging on is exactly how I feel when my hip is agony. There are times when I need help and just am not going to get it because that is just how life is. Eg a few times this winter I have stood waiting for a bus in the rain with a tired or getting hungry DD and can't get on the bus because it has a maximum number of prams. So then, what can I do? I'm not going to ask another mother to get off the bus in the rain, though this perhaps makes sense on paper. I cannot fold pram because soreness means I cannot take DD's weight and my bag / shopping. So I walk home in pain, and then the agony hits when I stop. Disaster. The answer is just, this is the life of an inbetweener, as we were just discussing. Not disabled enough for help. Not fit enough (physically) for all life's vagaries. A better answer is, you have to manage your life to try to avoid situations where you so desperately need help. You have to get home before you're in so much pain. You have to ask people to get your shopping for you, because you can't ask people to get off the bus.

That doesn't really answer your question. I think if you ever think someone needs help you should offer it, without comment, and though they might be left with a lingering sense of unease wondering why you though they needed it, for me that is the right balance for this cohabiting business we try to do. Others may disagree. I said earlyish in the thread that if someone ever offers to carry my shopping or whatever, if I really am struggling, I accept and gratefully. But the thread isn't about those (rare) instances. It's about the more common apropos of nothing nosiness.

Your second question: I think that is territory for a person's partner / mother / child / closest friend. This was the conversation I had with my mother that led to my diagnosis when I was 19 and it was hard enough with her! I have never, ever thought someone was not considerate for mentioning my limp. I have railed at people close to me not offering practical support that I clearly need (simple things like a family member taking my child from me).

Echoing previous posters I think you are taking on an extreme and unnecessary level of responsibility for other people's wellbeing. We are adults, after all. What do you imagine that you pointing out someone's limp will contribute? (genuine question).

That is long but I hope helpful.

Thanks to those who have responded to my questions, I do appreciate!

ilean, it's not so much responsibility for other people's wellbeing, but rather responsibility for my own actions. If I discover that I am habitually doing something that is offensive or causes upset, I am responsible for reflecting on my behaviour and changing it. Or I could pretend I never discovered it and continue in my comfortable ways I guess.

In response to your question, I would never 'point out someone's limp' just for the sake of it. I do imagine though that if I ask someone who is limping and struggling 'do you need any help' or even just 'are you ok?' then to that person it would be as good as pointing out their limp. That's the sense in which I would 'point out'. So what I imagine what it would contribute, is that I would be genuinely offering help. I understand now, that not everyone wants to be offered help even if they could do with some, so I will be more careful with when and how I do offer.