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Parenting

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Original poster

I gave a dummy and now feel like sh*t

80 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 22/04/2014 21:00

I don't know why I'm writing this post - mostly for reassurance I guess that giving a dummy doesn't make me a failure as a mom because that's how I feel.

DS is coming up 5 weeks and is breastfeed. I always said I'd never use a dummy in the early days (for various reasons) but things have not turned out as I planned. DS has the most horrendous colic and reflux and after days and nights of relentless crying and screaming I asked the HV to come round because me end DH are at breaking point.

She came round and as soon as I opened the door to her I just started crying - I went into total meltdown.

She was brilliant and we spoke for ages and came up with a plan of action and one step is to try a dummy when DS just won't settle. I was apprehensive but she said that we had to try as she could see I'm getting so down and stressed.

An hour ago we gave DS a dummy and I cried. I told my DH that I feel like we have just taken the easy option by 'sticking something in his mouth to shut him up'.

DS is now fast asleep in my arms - the dummy calmed him instantly. He is at the most relaxed now than he has been for over a week. I know that's a positive but I still feel guilty when I look at him and see this big dummy taking up half his little face

OP posts:

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Singsongmama · 23/04/2014 10:43

whereisthewitch - why is a baby sucking their fingers worse than a baby sucking a dummy?

Guitargirl · 23/04/2014 10:52

I understand how you feel OP, I was exactly the same although I couldn't explain any rational reason for my hatred of dummies, I was just determined that my children were not going to have one, I can't explain why! DS I think didn't really need one. DD was a very suckly baby, I remember MIL bringing dummies with her when she came to visit and sticking one in DD's mouth. DD was swaddled at the time in white and with the dummy in her mouth, I burst into tears as I thought she looked like Hannibal Lecter . I can only excuse myself by the fact that I was about 5 days post-partum at the time. Once MIL left, I threw all the dummies away and DD basically used me as a dummy for the next 2 years!

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 23/04/2014 10:57

I think acknowledging how much you dislike them but using them anyway says a lot about you. And entirely positive. You recognised your dc had a need for something and you fulfilled it.

Parenting is so full of guilt. From the labour and delivery to struggles with bfing and the choice to introduce a dummy. It all seems to be a dichotomy between the 100% natural and the introduction of the seemingly artificial. And it comes with a great dollop of guilt each time. And you seem to store it up when you're tired and hormonal and then you berate yourself unnecessarily. You have my permission to stop feeling guilty. Responding to your baby's needs and recognising what helps is about as natural as it gets. Applaud yourself for it.

And I tell you all this as somebody who also dislikes dummies in that weird, irrational way that develops.

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RufusTheReindeer · 23/04/2014 11:03

Can't stand dummies

Ds1 ended up with one
Dd found her thumb at 3months
Ds2 ended up with one

I obviously just have sucky babies!

I did feel awful about it especially as we left it too late to wean the boys off easily

All my children are fine with no dental problems (though dd was a bit touch and go)

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/04/2014 11:07

I wasn't desperately keen on dummies either - but I was less keen on screaming babies, so decided they were the lesser of two evils. Not that my dses were evil.

Bumpsadaisie · 23/04/2014 11:24

Oh for goodness sake OP (said in kind voice).

It's a dummy. Mine loved theirs. Whats wrong with a child having something that comforts it? I can't see why there is anything wrong at all with a dummy.

Comfort the child, and sod the aesthetics and appearances! Your son is relaxed and happy, that is great. Some babies just need to suck all the time. He will be more relaxed, you will be more relaxed and everything will be much better for him as well as you. You've done a positive thing!

My little one is 2.5 and still has dummies at night and at times when he might be anxious (i.e. dropping his sister at school, saying goodbye to me when he spends the day at my parents'). It comforts him. I can testify to the fact that it certainly does NOT shut him up!

When he is three or thereabouts, he will be emotionally able to give it up and the dummy fairy will visit.

PS when you see all the other kids thumb sucking at 6 yrs old and having braces as this has bent their teeth out of line, you will be pleased you did!

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 23/04/2014 11:26

Thanks everyone for your continued support - I'm not feeling quite so crazy this morning.

DS decided at some point he didn't want to suck on the dummy and the screaming recommended and continued until 01.00am. We had another really awful night.

We have now started using Gripe Water and Nasal Drops and DS had 3 most disgusting vomits earlier (following his Gripe Water burp) that contained so much phlegm (he's always been quite snotty) that he seems to be much more settled. I imagine having all that crap in his stomach wasn't making him feel too good. He's now fast asleep in his bouncy chair and he's like a different baby.

Hopefully between the saline drops and the Gripe Water we may see an improvement in him but the dummy is definitely on standby for when we think he needs it.

Thanks everyone for all your advice and reassurances

OP posts:

oscarwilde · 23/04/2014 13:56

He's now fast asleep in his bouncy chair Hope you are sleeping too

The vomiting phlegm doesn't sound too nice - didn't you have a CSection? I wonder if there's a link. My DD1 was like this too in the early days (though she was a milk guzzler too and always a bit vomity). She was like a different child after 6 weeks. DD2 was vbac and there was no snuffly phlegmy stage that I recall.

Fingers crossed that your DS is settling down for you. The sleep deprivation and the endless screaming is hateful. It does get better, in about a week, then amazingly better after 12 weeks.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 23/04/2014 19:10

I did have a sleep whilst DH watched DS but unfortunately it just highlighted why I was anti-dummy. I woke up to my breasts being rock hard and painful and when I looked at the clock I'd been asleep for over 4 hours!! My first thought was panic as DS usually feeds every 2 hours in the evening so I was worried something had happened to him. I found him downstairs with DH in his Moses Basket and he was sucking away on his dummy. DH said that DS had started getting grizzly about an hour ago so he'd given him the dummy to get him back to sleep

I explained to my husband about the issues of giving dummies to BF babies in terms of missing feeding cues, reduced feeding and interruption of breast milk supply. I know he did it with my best interests at heart because I was so tired but I've told him to never use the dummy as a pacifier if he thinks the baby is hungry and to always wake me. I made him feel my rock hard boobs to prove my point

I'm currently feeding a very hungry DS and I've never known him to drain a breast so quickly

OP posts:

TheScience · 23/04/2014 19:17

If he was happy to take the dummy and go back to sleep for an hour then he really wasn't hungry.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 23/04/2014 19:21

He wasn't asleep, DH was holding the dummy in wide awake DS's mouth. I do appreciate he wasn't crying though so DH probably thought he was doing no harm

OP posts:

neversleepagain · 23/04/2014 19:27

In the nicest possible way OP, try to relax a bit more. Being a mum is tough and there is no need to put more pressure on yourself.

HolidayCriminal · 23/04/2014 19:30

You can do it, Writerwannabe, hang in there. Things will get better.

TheScience · 23/04/2014 19:31

A dummy has never got me so much as 10 minutes longer from a hungry baby. It sounds like you needed the sleep though OP, and no harm was done.

PenguinsLoveFishFingers · 23/04/2014 19:43

I agree. Neither of mine ever accepted the dummy if they were actually hungry, just if they were grumbly. I remember being stuck in traffic and trying to 'tide over' DD1 with a dummy. God, not a happy experience.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 23/04/2014 19:45

I feel like new woman science

It's the most sleep I've had in 5 weeks - thank you dummy

OP posts:

TheScience · 23/04/2014 19:46

Penguins - I recently discovered it's possible to breastfeed a baby in a car seat while stuck in traffic (I wasn't driving).

TheScience · 23/04/2014 19:48

I have a 7 week old and am still dreaming of 4 hours in a row...

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 23/04/2014 19:49

Blimey science - all sorts of images are going through my head as to what possible positions you could be in. I'm thinking you had your knees on either side of the car seat and leaning forward so your boobs are hanging in front of his face

OP posts:

MinesAPintOfTea · 23/04/2014 20:05

SingSong ds is nearly 2 and one of his thumbs is noticeably smaller than the other because its constantly being sucked. I can discourage of course but its rather frowned upon to take a child's thumb away. Once a child is getting old enough to learn other ways to soothe you can bin the dummy.

Guitargirl · 23/04/2014 20:26

I have bf a baby in a car seat whilst stuck in traffic. Not very comfortable but totally doable!

GingerDoodle · 23/04/2014 20:40

Your baby is content - take their cue and do likewise!

I dislike dummys to the point I actively avoid photos of DD being circulated with one in! That said; she was a few days old and using me as a dummy - not something I wanted my boobs to be so we tried her with one. Didn't really take it for a few weeks but I don't regret it. DD is now 19 months and I only has it for buggy/ car travel and sleep which is fine with me - most of her teeth are through and the dentist says they are fine.

PenguinsLoveFishFingers · 23/04/2014 20:53

TheScience - Yup. I have bf in crawling traffic on a motorway (I wasn't driving either!!). In the back seat and still wearing seatbelt, with baby still in car seat. Thighs of steel It was a proud achievement! Thankfully we have tinted windows.

The time I was thinking of, I was the driver, so limited options

MiaowTheCat · 24/04/2014 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starlight1234 · 24/04/2014 07:46

glad you got some sleep.

Can I let you know this is one of the many things you vowed you wouldn't change when you were pregnant.

We all have these wonderful ideas of how we are going to raise our perfect darlings but you need to not worry about the tiny things so much because it really takes away the enjoyment..

Also my DS was put on a dummy (BF) at 5 weeks after he spent 1 1/2 sucking my boob so it was easier for him to have a dummy than me..he gave his up himself at 3 months..found his finger for a fortnight then got bored of them too.

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