I gave a dummy and now feel like sh*t

[Writerwannabe83]

I don't know why I'm writing this post - mostly for reassurance I guess that giving a dummy doesn't make me a failure as a mom because that's how I feel.

DS is coming up 5 weeks and is breastfeed. I always said I'd never use a dummy in the early days (for various reasons) but things have not turned out as I planned. DS has the most horrendous colic and reflux and after days and nights of relentless crying and screaming I asked the HV to come round because me end DH are at breaking point.

She came round and as soon as I opened the door to her I just started crying - I went into total meltdown.

She was brilliant and we spoke for ages and came up with a plan of action and one step is to try a dummy when DS just won't settle. I was apprehensive but she said that we had to try as she could see I'm getting so down and stressed.

An hour ago we gave DS a dummy and I cried. I told my DH that I feel like we have just taken the easy option by 'sticking something in his mouth to shut him up'.

DS is now fast asleep in my arms - the dummy calmed him instantly. He is at the most relaxed now than he has been for over a week. I know that's a positive but I still feel guilty when I look at him and see this big dummy taking up half his little face

Please don't feel guilty about using a dummy to settle. DS is 9 months and has a dummy for sleeping only, he is still breastfed and I know that without the dummy I may of given up in the first few months so it was the right choice for us.

As long as you still feed on demand and can differentiate between hunger and fussiness then I truly believe dummy's and be beneficial to a successful bf relationship.

All three of mine had dummies - ds1 (20), is reading Law, ds2 (18), is reading Applied Maths, and ds3 (18) - they have all grown up to be happy, healthy, well-adjusted people. Dummies are not the axis of evil.

Mine had them until they were about 1 year to 18 months old - by that point they were just for bedtime and times of great sadness, and were easily dropped altogether. Basically we took them to a toy shop and, after surreptitious negotiation with the staff, they got to swap their dummies for a toy (about £10 in value, if I recall correctly).

You are not a bad mother - on the contrary, you are a good mother - one who has assessed her child's need, and found something that meets it. That's a good mother, in my book.

QT, I have forgiven her, yes, but gave her cat bum mouth for at least a month after she told me.

My dd had reflux a dummy really helped her. Nothing wrong with it. Just go with whatever helps you and your baby at this hard time. Just chill about the little things!

Babies don't care that adults don't like the look of dummies.

I don't understand why you would feel like a failure when you are doing what makes your baby happy.

Also, I wasn't even aware dummies were regarded negatively. I don't use them but that is because I did not fancy having to wean a baby off them afterwards.

Your baby is telling you what they want. It is good you are listening.

DD2 was born at 31 weeks and was tube fed for the first few weeks of her life. Once she had developed a bit more, she was given a dummy to help her develop a sucking action so she could feed (I'd been able to express milk and freeze it so was still producing and she'd had my milk fortified with the supplement she needed through her tube.

Dummies have their place and are great at that age for all kinds of reasons.

If you come back in 3 years and say your child is still using a dummy because you can't stand to hear them talking, then there's issues!

Oh Writer, please don't beat yourself up. I was in the exact same situation with my first child. He suffered terrible colic and one night after hours of trying to settle him, I gave him a dummy and he settled instantly.

The world did not end. He was calmer, so was I. When the time came, we said goodbye to the dummy and that was that.

Please don't think you have failed. It will not affect the breastfeeding and you are not a bad mother!

I felt the same about Dummies. 'My Ds will never have a dummie' I said to myself. Then beautiful Ds arrived. With colic, reflux and a lot, and I mean a lot of crying. Also jaundice with trips to the hospital to take blood from his tiny veins (often inexpertly) and his dummie helped him. I still breastfeed for 8 months and his dummy helped him and soothed him. When he was about 2.5 the dummy fairy came and he happly swapped the dummy for a inflatable digger!
When Ds 2 came along I got PND ( again) and I decided to stop breastfeeding after 3 days. And I felt so sad that he wouldn't get the comfort from sucking at the bread that I sent Dh out to buy a dummy as I felt sorry for ds2! And he was a happy contented baby in any case.
So don't beat yourself up. He's luckily to have a mum that loves him so much. Cut yourself some slack.

Please try to be a little easier on yourself, you are doing a great job.
There is nothing wrong with using a dummy for comfort, babies like to suck.
I have used a dummy for my 3rd DC since 5 weeks,exclusively Bf, just likes to suck when going to sleep.
I am also one of those health professionals that isn't well thought of on this site so should know better. A dummy works for us.
You do what suits you and feels right, I am so glad you have had a good HV.

I was opposed to dummies for some unspecified reason (I have no idea now)
Gave DS a dummy around 6 weeks, magic. I kept it for naps and bedtime and was very strict about it, binned at 18 months. It was such a help. Don't feel bad!

Really I second what everyone else said about not feeling bad about this. Just to add, this may well be the first of many things you end up doing, that you said you would never do before your baby came along. We all just find the best ways of getting along that we can, though xxxx

Just to add to everyone else, I gave DS a dummy in very similar circumstances and have no regrets. He didn't give it up till he was three, but by then he had only had it for bedtime for a long time and gave it up easily.

My sibling was very sneery about dummies and very dismissive when I suggested a dummy for DN who started sucking fingers from a young age. There's a teeny tiny part of me that chuckles a little bit inside at their ongoing battle to stop DN sucking fingers. (I'm not a bad person, honest)

Worry ye not. A dummy is not bad. Dd had one til she was about 2.5 and then we let her have it only at night and then she got fixated on one dummy only and I worried about germs and then the dummy fairy came. She is 10 now and has survived perfectly well despite dummies, chocolate buttons, early weaning, the odd fruit shoot etc.

I'm ashamed to say I used to be so judgy and idealistic about dummy's. I never offered a dummy until i was completely frazzled, dd was 5m and too old to be fooled.
I believe I would've avoided her using me as a dummy hourly throughout the night and generally being highly strung had I got her to soothe herself with a dummy.
Enjoy your calmer happier baby.

It's not about shutting them up - lots of babies have a need for non nutritive sucking. dd1 had a dummy. she loved it, it kept her happy when she'd done feeding, and we eventually got rid of it quickly and easily when it suited us all to do so.

dd2 refused a dummy. She sucks her fingers instead, so much that the nail on one is all soft, and she has a permanent sore by the knuckle area where her teeth rub on it. She is rising four, and nothing will stop her sucking her fingers. I really wish she'd had a dummy.

Mine had his "doe" and he loved it. He was reluctant to give it up, but we just let him get on with it. He only had it in the house after a certain age, it was just a comfort thing. I wish more mums would use them instead of leaving babies to get stressed and upset for their "principles"

I was anti-dummy too, until DS was about 4 weeks old, had been crying all night and nothing worked to soothe him. So I gave him a dummy and he went to sleep instantly.

From then, he had a dummy for sleeping only until he was nearly 4. I have absolutely no regrets at all about using a dummy, I honestly think it was one of the best parenting decisions I ever made. It worked really well for soothing him as a tiny baby and as he got older it became an important sleep cue.

He was ready to give it up at 3, so we did the whole Dummy Fairy thing and it was easy. He asked for it at bedtime for 2 nights, was told no, it's gone and he went to sleep with no fuss. That was it.

You did the right thing, IMHO. You are all going to feel better for some rest now, at least.

Dummies are great for refluxy babies. The sucking action helps to keep the milk down in their tummies (this is why they want to feed all the time) It means they can suck without overfilling themselves. I also observed that a new feed on top of a partially digested feed was a disaster and all came back up, so it possibly avoids that too.

My eldest had a dummy - I didn't want to have one but he cried all the time. when he got bigger we just used it for sleep and at some point I forget exactly when he agreed to give it up. Younger two on the other hand were having none of it and insisted on sucking their thumbs instead and won't stop even though they are far too old to need to suck anything and middle one's teeth are affected. How I wish they had taken a dummy!

OP do please be kind to yourself. You have a baby with reflux which is a special kind of torture. You have quite rightly asked for help and your HV has given it. And you have found a way to give your poor baby some comfort - that is just brilliant! You are doing all the right things.

Hope you have a better night tonight.

Please don't be so hard on yourself OP. There is nothing wrong with a dummy, babies suck for comfort and your wee boy will be happy. I wish I had given DD a dummy, instead I now have a thumb sucker and she shows no signs at all of ever giving it up! she is 2.

Would also like to recommend cranial osteopath. Both my Dc had colic and adter four sessions were like different babies x

OP, please be kinder to yourself!!!!!

I was massively anti dummy pre babies, but changed my mind totally after reading it helps with SIDS, so it cannot be anything but a good thing.

Please, please, cut yourself some slack. If your gorgeous, gorgeous baby is happy with a dummy to suckle, then make him happy!!

And be kinder to yourself!!!!!! Hugs from another mum! x

DS1 had a dummy until the age of 3. He was the calmest most relaxed baby because he was readily soothable. He is now 21 with perfect teeth ( never needed orthodontics), clear speech and unharmed by the dummy.
DS2 never fancied a dummy( we did try).
It will be fine- guaranteed!

Wow I must be the most shit parent ever then! My dd had a dummy at a few hours old and sleeps with it every night.

Oh you poor thing, you sound like you are giving yourself a really hard time because you just want the best for your baby. Please know that doing things differently to how you expected doesn't make you a bad mum, it actually makes you a better mum because you are doing whatever it takes. I wanted to post because I actually decided I was definitely going to use a dummy before DS was born.

I had horrible anxiety whilst I was pregnant about SIDS, I realise that this is a fear which we all have but I was losing sleep over it before DS had even got here. I chatted to the midwife and she explained how dummies may be a factor in reducing the risk and from then I decided that I would try it. I think it was the sense of control which helped me and the thought that I was doing everything I could to prevent it.

DS would suck continuously because it brought him comfort, it was a great sleeper and still is now and I think it's because the dummy was an instant comforter. He isn't clingy now at all but does need his dummy to suck now and then in the night although he doesn't need it to fall asleep. The dummy can be an amazing tool and doesn't have to result in delayed speech, bad teeth and severe attachment to it. You control when you give it and it doesn't have to be all day, every day. Plus, you'll still comfort the baby, the dummy will just help him feel more reassured and settled when you aren't holding him which is an important part of development. I don't think I passed up any opportunities for cuddles just because DS had a dummy, it didn't affect our bonding because it wasn't a replacement, it was to use alongside me.

Keep going, you are doing great and we've all had days where things are so hard. But that's what makes the good days seem even better! Congratulations on your newborn.

my pfb was never ever ever going to have a dummy. Until she was born, and was gripey and colicky. When I had baby number 4, I had a couple packed in my hospital bag, much to the midwife's chagrin.

None of the four are still addicted (though the youngest is now ten), none have terribly deformed teeth or anything. I think in these early days the mantra is always 'whatever it takes to get through the day'. It gets easier, I promise. Don't beat yourself up over this.