How can I stop feeling so angry?

[vanillavelvet]

I have two DDs 3 & 5. They are lovely. Sometimes their behaviour can be a bit challenging, but it is normal 2 & 5-year-old behaviour, nothing out of the ordinary.

So why do I find myself feeling so cross when I can't get us out of the house on time because one of them is refusing to put her shoes on (or to let me do it)? Or when one of them spills her drink across the dinner table for the third time? Or when they both refuse to get into the bath?

I often end up shouting at them after asking nicely two or three times, and then I feel guilty, because they're not bad kids and they don't deserve to have a cross, shouty mum.

I worry that the more often it happens the more likely it is that they will become cross, shouty little adults, and I don't want to do that to them.

Does anyone have any advice? Please.

I find this kind of thing so hard but one thing that helps it to remind myself that they are not doing it deliberately to make me cross. Instead their goal is to have fun and explore their world. It doesn't help with getting things done bit it does keep my anger under control a bit better.

Thanks Sleepy, I do lose sight of that sometimes, and it's only when I reflect on it afterwards that I think "oh, she's only 3...". I'm going to make a concerted effort to remind myself of that at the time!

Do you use that trick of letting them make a choice which is win win to you? E.g. ask which bubbles they want in their bath or which toys they want to bathe that night, then get them to hop in and wash duck or boat or whatever. Sneaky stuff can help.

If they spill drinks a lot, use sippy cups and ignore people who say they shouldn't. We used them until school age and did at night until end of primary. Turned out DS2 was dyspraxic, so he genuinely needed them.

When going out, you could either let them choose footwear or if they refuse, just say, OK, I'll carry your shoes, let me know when you want to put them on. They normally go just a few steps before realising the ground is too cold or uneven. It's not a perfect solution, but it does break the cycle of shouting and stressing.

More sleep! For all of you...

Someone on here said that they imagined a documentary camera crew following them round all day, and it helped them curb the shouting- as it was easier to imagine how it looked to others.

Pick your battles- let some things slide, as long as you're consistent.

And yes, keep muttering 'they're only 3, they're only 3', sometimes we forget

Dont give too many choices, just 2 alternatives that are both acceptable to you

Start dealing in both natural and logical consequences.

If one of them won't get in the bath, then no bath.

If they won't put their shoes on, then they go out without them on. After walking on the pavement for a bit or being shoeless in the car, chances are they will do it willingly.

If they spill their drink, buy them a sippy cup to use until they can earn back using a proper cup.

Don't get angry, just follow through (and then scream into a pillow behind closed doors!).

My LO went to nursery in only pants and a vest the other day because he wouldn't get dressed. He ended up getting dressed in the nursery toilet. He hasn't done that since!

It is hard and they will scream, but they will quickly get the message that you are serious. Threats only work if you follow through and there must be consequences for their actions, not punishments.

Some great suggestions. Thanks.

Loving the film crew idea .

I almost took my 3-year-old to nursery in her pyjamas this morning, but did feel like she should be dressed. Next time I'll just do it

Someone suggested on a similar thread when you start to feel the frustration and anger well up, tell yourself "breathe... one two three". A couple of seconds pause can help you to get control again when you would otherwise be losing it. I struggle with what you have described at times too. You can remind yourself that small children can be annoying, they aren't doing it deliberately to annoy you, that you love them more than anything, and the bigger picture of the values and behaviour you are teaching them is more important than that irritating moment... but when you are about to lose the plot and shout it can be hard to stay calm enough to give yourself a pep talk. I try to remind myself of those things before a situation that I know will be stressful - ds1's swimming lessons, hanging onto dd2 by the side of the pool for 45 mins (shudder) - and it does help, but little tricks to take a breather and pause for a moment work best in the heat of the moment I find.