I feel like an utterly shit parent

[Lamu]

Dd 2.7 had an accident started peeing in the living room. Dh then picked her up and carried her through the house as she continued peeing. Not her fault at all. I didn't make an issue over it. Was matter of fact about it. I took her pants off and cleaned her up. As I was doing this DD bit me very hard on the arm for a few seconds, long enough to leave a welt. It took me very much by surprise and I smacked her on the thigh. Told her firmly "you do not bite mummy". As soon as I did it I felt awful. She of course was upset, ran back to DH and got a cuddle.

Dh has been quite judgemental about the whole incident. What should I do/have done?

No idea as my dd isn't at this stage yet, but regardless- your dp needs to be supportive.
Hopefully someone will be more use than me, but try and have a giggle about the running with peeing child tonight... It sounds funny!!

If my DD bit me I admit I would smack, I am not a fan of physical punishment but I draw the line at biting. My friend actually bit her DD back after biting her!

dont feel bad, your DD will know not to do that ever again and won't remember it after a day or two anyway!

You are not a shit mother.

I was going to bollock talk to him about that later.

Dd has recently started biting. She then laughs because she thinks it's very funny. I'm not entirely sure if she's getting it from me. I sometimes nibble her toes, not hard, just enough to tickle. Maybe she's getting a little confused iykwim. Anyway I know I shouldn't have smacked her, it was very much a reactionary thing.

I'm just a bit peeved at DH reaction to the whole thing.

Look, it wasn't great parenting, but it happened, and it was a primal reaction to being physically hurt by your DD. You feel bad and your DH being judgemental about it is hardly helpful. You're not a shit parent, you're just an imperfect human being, just like the rest of us. Guilt has no place in effective parenting (or any part of life) - just learn the lesson and move on. Tell your DH to stop being an unhelpful dick, he gets to be judgemental on the day he becomes a perfect parent himself!

Don't feel shit, I would have done exactly the same thing. (Probably would then have written this post! And have someone else tell me not to feel shit!). But actually I think you did the right thing. You can't muck around with biting. She needed to know, immediately, that that is not ever acceptable. A prolonged psychological punishment like time-out I don't think would cut the mustard with biting. Don't feel bad.

YY it was an instant reaction to pain. Not sure I would bite her back. But she's not at the stage where she really understands that mummy feels pain. On previous occasions I've seen it coming and stopped her before she bit down hard.

Anyway DH says I should apologise to her. On one hand I agree, because I really didn't want or mean to smack her. On the other hand I don't think I should.

Anyway we've since had a cuddle, but it's still playing on my mind.

God I feel so fucking clueless to this parenting lark sometimes. I think it makes it harder that DH is often not on the same page as me. And Dd seems to be more aware to this now. Anyway enough rambling from me. all.

Kotinka how did you guess? When he's at home Dd has him well and truly wrapped round her little finger. The whole good cop, bad cop routine seems to be the norm.

You're not shit at all. It was a very natural reaction to something unexpected.

I do think you should stop nibbling her toes though as that might confuse her.

Maybe start tickling her and get her to do that to you instead?

YY the nibbling will have to stop.

Kotinka We've spoken about it numerous times. We seem to agree that we have to be on the same page but then undoubtedly we end up back at square one. I totally get it from his pov too. He's at work 14 hrs a day, so when he's at home he wants to spoil her a little.

He'd probably say that I undermine him too. Especially when I feel he's being too lax, giving in to her demands of chocolate before tea etc. But it's hard when I spend all week at home with Dd, have a set routine only for DH to come and undermine all the work I've put in all week iyswim.

I have done exactly the same thing. Ds is 2 and a real biter. I've been patiently doing the 'we don't bite' for over a year. The other day at nappy change he did a massive bite which took me by surprise and I reacted by slapping him on the thigh. I had no control over it, it was an instantaneous response which I immediately regretted.

Physical punishment isn't something I want to do or condone, and we had a big cuddle and made up. But he is also much less of a biter all of a sudden - he has managed to stop himself a few times since, so whilst I would never have chosen to hit him, it has also had some effect so to offset the guilt, I tell myself it has also improved the situation!

I was very ashamed to admit it to dh but he was very supportive.

Sorry but I agree with your DH.

Children learn by example. Yes, it was a primal reaction which you didn't mean, you just lost control. Yes your DH should support you, BUT you should say sorry to your DD. Explain that you didn't mean to, it just happened before you had time to think because you were really hurt.

IMO she needs to understand that hitting is wrong too and you can't effectively teach that if you smack your child. How can she conceptualise that it's fine for you to smack her but it's not ok for her to smack you/others. It's either ok or it's not.

If my DH smacked one of my kids and didn't apologise, feel bloody awful and promise to try as hard as possible to never let it happen again, he'd be packing his bags.