How can I give my 11 year old a "childhood" in London. What can we do?

[Quinteszilla]

Please dont get me wrong. I am an adult, I grew up in a different world, in a different time, where kids were kids and roamed free, and where school and homework was a natural part of life. I never questioned things much at that age, I went with "the flow". I also did what my parents told me to do.

I struggle with our 11 year old. We are in London where kids dont roam free, and where you dont just go knock on somebodys door to play or hang out.

I honestly dont know what to do! He comes home from school, is knackered, sits in front of his pc and aimlessly go between minecraft, and youtube videos. He seems obsessed with shooting games, bb guns, guns, and we found him looking at some gory stuff yesterday where people were impaled. He had found a reference to this on a Fails video.

He has a strong will. I cannot "make" him do anything. I struggle to get him to stop playing games, struggle to get him to do homework, he has lost interest in the trampoline, his skateboard, lego mindstorm, wont read books, not interested in good programs on tv. Nothing. Everything is a battle. I fight with him over homework until last minute where he suddenly blows a fuse because he had not done homework. I am incredulous, because I have told him Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday that he has a special homework in for Wednesday, and on tuesday night all hell breaks out because he is frustrated that he has not done it and he will get detention. I tell him he will take the consequences and get detention, and he freaks out.

What am I supposed to do? All weekend was spent on minecraft. I could not get him off that game. In the end I and ds2 went out without him, and just left him at home. He baked an apple crumble on his own, which he eventually binned without letting us have any, because we did not eat it straight away after dinner. We were watching Top Gear together, and he made a point of not watching because we were asking him to join us.
DH took them swimming on Sunday, and he refused to come, so dh left him behind with me. I was supposed to use the time he was away to study, and with ds1 home I couldnt. I tried to get him to do homework, he wouldnt.

He is too big to lift him off his chair and carry him out.

He is refusing to do everything and anything we ask of him, and shouts and screams if we try to restrict his minecraft.

I honestly wish we could afford to send him to boarding school. I have tried so hard to create a happy family life, and I am so drained by him.

I have not bothered to NC, so please go easy on me as I am feeling really fragile about this whole parenting lark.

I recommend spending some time with him on his own and he gets to choose the activity, love bombing, if you will. Even if it's Minecraft. It sounds a bit like he is reacting to change and lack of individual attention, and may be a bit depressed about the friendships. Also hormonal. Also I would ask him if he wants to invite anyone over sometime. And he needs the perspective that everyone feels like they don't fit in sometimes at certain times in their life.

Just remembered re the homework thing.

When my younger son was a bit younger, he went through a spell of not wanting to do it, leaving it to the last minute etc. it was only primary, so not as big a deal really.

However, i said to him to shut his eyes and imagine a world with no homework. I asked him how good it felt etc. I then explained that that's how he could feel all week if he spent an hour on Monday doing all his homework. It sunk in. Not quite the same now I guess as they get given different bits all week, but the principle is the same. get it out the way and enjoy the rest of the evening.

Sea Cadets will be great - I bet they do stuff at the weekends too which will make you more relaxed about him doing Minecraft in the rest of the free time :)

What I allow them to do is to go on line/games etc when they get home from school if they want. We have dinner about 5-5.30 so after dinner they need to do any homework, get stuff ready for the next day and make sure they have done any chores - they can then go back on screens until it's time to go to their activity and then that's that. One evening they get back quite early so they get to watch something on tv for a wee bit before bedtime.

No-one does activities on a Friday night so they can do what they like and sometimes we do a family movie evening but attendance is not compulsary!

My DD is 6 and tells me all the freaking time how boring the Wetland Center is. Until we go there and she has a fantastic time!!!

Sea Cadets (or similar) is a fantastic idea. I did Air Training Corp when I was a young teenager. It provided me with a safe 'adventure' outside of the home, different friends, bit of structure etc.

re the WWW/minecraft, I'm sure it has been said upthread already but Minecraft/game access has to be a reward for completing homework - otherwise it is competing with homework and will ALWAYS win..

Also I believe there is a way via your router you can determine when his IP address accesses the www. You can put this on a timer so he isn't accessing www between hours of 9pm & 7am (for example). If he has www access in his room chances are he is using it in the night and isn't getting enough sleep either. An IT bod told me all this recently - I'm not sure exactly how to go about doing it though (my DC are still too young for unmonitored www access)

He sounds really lonely to me. Badly behaved and definitely heading into sullen teenagerhood but lonely and unhappy too.

Quint, it does sound tough.

The way we sorted out homework was to get DC to do it on the night it's given, not the night before it's due in. Friday nights and one day in the weekend, they don't have to do any homework, so they know they have those days completely hassle free.

When my DC (similar ages) start to remove themselves from family life and get stuck into computer games, I plan something with them. And without battle discuss how to have a better time. Maybe something along the lines: sorry I've been having a go at you so much recently. Let's just have a day off and go and do something nice together. then ask him what he fancies - Chessington world of adventures or London dungeons etc might be mid way between what interests him and what's acceptable to you.

I did wonder if that apple crumble was some sort of teenage version of a peace offering and he chucked it away because you not jumping for joy at it immediately was, in his mind, a rejection. (NOT saying it was a rejection btw, just they can be so sensitive and judgemental at that age.)

As to being in London - I do think it's part of the issue. We're London suburbs too and I have decided this summer to let them find their way around central London alone. Very gradually, starting in sections they know well like South Bank (there's a Warhammer type shop by the station where the geeks all play games at café tables. Quite sweet.) And there's the skate board park under the South Bank centre. if you take him and a mate down there and orientate them, then park yourself in a café nearby and let them roam for a couple of hours, that could be a start to him getting a bit of freedom in London.

Do you let him do slightly independent things, like meet a friend to go to the cinema? I think they are old enough by 11 to be doing that and it gets them out of the house, meeting friends, and having to use public transport etc, even though it is more screen time, ultimately!

I still need to drive a fair bit of their socialising tbh so don't feel that he is behind as that isn't happening automatically for him.

My younger son is away on a trip for a week shortly so I got elder to ask his friends to do something at the weekend and they are all delighted. None of them would have thought to organise it, but once someone does they are happy to join in.

Oh my 3 all tend to whinge loudly when we suggest a trip out. But if we just ignore then after 1/2 hour they have a great time.

We took them away at half term, and two complained they didn't want to go for weeks before. Now they all talk about what a good time they had. (We went to Yorkshire - so not exotic.)

Te socialising for the more social tends to happen about 14- lots are lost before then.

Sea cadets sounds great. A friends son does Air Cadets and its really helped him.

"I am helping him with some of it, and that is why I am so "on to him" about it. I started on Friday evening explaining that if he wants me to help with X piece of homework for Wednesday he needs to factor in that I am taking ds2 to gymnastics on Tuesday, and he has kickboxing on Monday, so really we need to find a time to sit down together on the weekend. I was available for him all weekend. He was too tired as expected after kickboxing, and he knew I would not be around Tuesday night".

You know the bit where you said you were 'available for him all weekend' this is where you are going wrong! You should be insisting he does it not waiting for him to come to you! What 11 year old goes to find mum to help with homework he can't be bothered to do! Even the way that paragraph is worded is wishy washy. My DD get's no choice in matters that have to be done! It's 'right-homework out please'! Choices are for things that don't matter like 'bath or shower' or 'ice cream or a lolly'.

Sea Cadets is an excellent idea - friend's son does it and loves it. There are loads of events and stuff to do as well as the meetings

IME you can set a time to do homework.
You can offer to help with the homework.
You can say "right, homework for an hour then go and get ready for football or whatever

If you have a son like my ds1 he will piss about on Twitter, snapchat, YouTube for 59 minutes and they say he didnt have enough time.

I am wicked though. I say nothing. I let him do that.
And every single time he got a detention for not handing in homework, there was a consequence. It was usually confiscation of his phone. Or not being allowed to go to football.
On the last memorable occasion he got 4 detentions in a week.
I made him go to the match he was supposed to be playing in and watch
And he had to explain exactly why he wasn't playing. And as an added bonus, his team lost.

That was 4 years ago. Never did it again.
Gets his books out and actually works as soon as he gets home.

I think the problem is that he is not LISTENING to me. I can tell him "homework now for an hour" until I am blue in the face, or schedule a time for him to do it, but it does not work.

He is categorically NOT doing as he is told. If he was doing homework when I asked him to, there would be no thread.

It is easy for you all to say "Just" tell him. It does not work.

I suppose next time he has ethics homework I will tell him "I am available for an hour between 10 and 11 Saturday morning. This is your only chance of help from me" And then leave him to it.

my ds1 didnt listen either. I had set homework times, but he just didnt do it.

There is not really anything that matters to my ds, like your ds' football, that I can use as a bargaining tool, though.

I think you just have to stop trying to make him do things. But let him face the consequences. At sometime hopefully he will wake up and realise what those consequences are. But for teens, you as a parent can no longer force them to do most things (all things maybe) as you did when they were a toddler.

Do remember even if you could your aim is for them to be able to function as independent adults eventually. If he does study when you tell him to, and get good grades, and goes to University what will happen then? Will he have learnt the importance of study? Or will he finally rebel and do what he wants? Or will he do what the loudest voice tells him to?

With one of mine I do use subtle manipulation (I tell her to do X, she shout she won't do it, I ignore and then act as if she is going to do X).

You need to run him ragged, (which is what happens at boarding schools). The idea is to be so physically exhausted there isn't much time left over for insubordination and introspection.

My London friends with boys hire a "manny", basically a male babysitter (usually a student) who does stuff - sport, Parkruns, walking borrowed dogs - which parents don't have the time or inclination to do. The going rate is £10 which is loads cheaper than boarding.

Quint it is obvious he is not listening to you. That's why you have to step up a gear. It's not about telling him over and over it's about action. Eg. 'You aren't listening so you have lost PC games this week' etc. Whether he does as he is told is not the issue it's the consequence which must really suck for him, that way he will start to do as he's told but it's an ongoing process and you must be consistant. Find the thing that will really bother him and do it! A loss of authority is a serious problem and it must be tackled! It's so important especially before he gets much bigger.You are giving up! He won't listen to you, so what is the consequence? x

Actually, it is not all homework that is causing so much trouble. It is mostly Ethics, or geography if it is really difficult. He has no problem sitting down to do maths, French, science, art, etc. It is only the homework where he needs help from me, so not sure what is going on. Maybe it is because it require interaction from me that he is causing so much trouble?

thesarus, that is so excellent, it is like a "hire dad", there was recently an email from a mum in school wanting to "hire out her manny" as they are leaving. Maybe I should get him to come and walk my sons and neighbours dog! [

"There is not really anything that matters to my ds, like your ds' football, that I can use as a bargaining tool, though".

yes there is! You said all he does is go on the computer! There's your bargaining tool.

The computer. Yes. How can I restrict minecraft and Youtube at will, and only enable when I want to?

Quint, iir I'm pretty sure I know which school your DS is at. I'm not a stalker (!) but I was on the threads when we're all talking locally about school options for our now Year 7s. Anyway, you said upthread that you don't know other mums at his secondary and you/he need to work on friendships. I agree. PM me if you want me to help. I know a lovely boy in the same year and the mum is pretty great too.

Having said all this, I think this is normal pre-teen/teen angst which is likely to happen to us all at some point. I went through it with DS (just 12) but he's coming out of it now.

Why not try to reboot his brain in the short-term? Five days riding his bike around Centerparcs may be a good way to do this? If money is no object I'd be tempted to invest in a holiday home or static caravan somewhere where there are fields and places to explore. If friendships are an issue I'd probably plump for a caravan park where there are tonnes of kids he can pal up with. I have a 12 old and I'd also say if he's lethargic look at increasing his sleep and food intake. I've done this recently and it's done wonders for ds's mood. They are growqing so rapidly at this age as well as having to deal with all the hormone issues.

His actions are really distracting me, I should be writing a paper on corporate identity and reputation management. Here I am, he is in school, and I still cant get on with what I am supposed to do!

Maybe we just both are emotional and easily distracted, and with difficulty doing what we really should be doing.